Will Get Nude for Oscar

Will Get Nude for Oscar

July 13, 2006

One of the perks of Back of the Head is that I can use it as a forum to lead the fight for worthy causes.

Recently, rumors swirled and were quickly squashed regarding Natalie Portman nudity in Goya's Ghosts.  Fact is, she ain't getting naked, she used a body double.  Irritating, but whatever.  This site has had its ups and downs with Natalie Portman but we have no wish to reopen hostilities regarding her unfair and irrational stance against getting naked onscreen.

Natalie Portman's frankly crazy views about keeping her private parts private is indicative of a much larger epidemic.

A few days ago, I watched a movie called London starring Jessica Biel.  I couldn't tell you what the movie is about because the few minutes I watched were terrible and I mostly fast forwarded to get to the only reason to see London in the first place: Jessie Biel's sex scenes.  The film in fact opens with one.  Yet absurdly lacking from the sex scenes is any nudity, not counting the body double Biel used for her ass, a move that makes no sense considering she did a nude photo shoot back when she was on 7th Heaven.
Natalie Portman and Jessica Biel are just the tip of the iceberg.  There is a growing legion of actresses between 18-30 who intolerably refuse to get naked on screen.  For every Anne Hathaway, a sweet, wonderful girl who recently got naked for us in Havoc and Brokeback Mountain (and is currently being rewarded with box office love for The Devil Wears Prada), there are far, far more of her peers such as Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Elisha Cuthbert, Mandy Moore, Emmy Rossum, Kirsten Dunst, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Eliza Dushku, Kristen Kreuk, Natalie Smyka, Isla Fisher, Sophia Bush, Maggie Grace, Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, Amanda Bynes, Alexis Bledel, Hilary Duff, and Lindsay Lohan to name a few who are operating under the wildly mistaken assumption that they are somehow too good to get naked in their movies.

These young ladies might be surprised to learn what else, as a result of their deluded stubbornness, they're proving they're too good for:  Academy Awards.

The indisputable facts are that since 1993, the following Academy Award winners for Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress have all done nudity in the roles that won them the Oscar: Holly Hunter, Helen Hunt, Gwyneth Paltrow, Hillary Swank, Halle Berry, Charlize Theron, and Rachel Weisz.

And those are just the Oscar-winners.  The list grows even more impressive when you factor in the following winners and nominees for Best Actress and Best Supporting Acrtress Academy Awards since 1993 who have done nudity in their careers:  Meryl Streep, Annette Bening, Laura Dern, Jodie Foster, Elisabeth Shue, Rosie Perez, Kirsten Scott Thomas, Sharon Stone, Emily Watts, Helena Bonham Carter, Helen Mirren, Julie Christie, Kate Winslet, Julianne Moore, Virginia Madsen, Juliette Binoche, Uma Thurman, Nicole Kidman, Salma Hayek, Diane Lane, Diane Keaton, Naomi Watts, Laura Linney, Chloe Sevigny, Felicity Huffman, Jennifer Connelly, Reese Witherspoon, Michelle Williams, Kate Hudson, Angelina Jolie, and Keira Knightley.   Just to name a few.

So really, young ladies, who the hell do you think you are?  What makes you so goddamn special?  And ask yourselves this life-changing, all-important question:  What list of actresses would you rather belong to?
(Before anyone says something like “But look at Julia Roberts!  She never got naked and she's the highest-paid actress of all time and an Academy Award-winner!” – shut the hell up.  Screw Julia Roberts.  She doesn't count.  Don't ever bring Julia Roberts up again.)

Young misses, the overriding point is that you all want an Oscar.  You all want to be heralded as the best by your peers.  You all want the prestige of being an Academy Award winner.

You will not get it as long as you cling to this abominable idea of clinging to your clothes.  This is a fact.
You won't get an Oscar with the repugnant hiring of body doubles.  Body doubles are among the vilest practices in movies.  Perhaps the most vile.  Yes.  The most vile, no perhaps about it.

When nudity is offered, it is your duty to take the role, like your European counterparts willingly do.  You will do the required nude scene, you will not complain, and you will certainly not demand the scenes be excised during editing.  No, never again can that be allowed.  You will get naked, you will give the paying audience what they want and deserve, and then you will see that while the reward may not come immediately, eventually, you will have your moment to shine in the warm, glowing, warming glow of Oscar.  Perhaps even take one home of your very own.  Then everyone wins.  Everyone is happy.  And that's what movies are all about, making people happy.

Young princesses, I didn't make the rules.  This is the way things are, the way they have been for a hundred years since the dawn of cinema.  Don't you break the rules.   Don't you do it.

The good news is that more and more young actresses have seen the light; have been doing the right thing.  In recent years it's been delightful to see talented young stars such as Rosario Dawson, Katie Holmes, Michelle Monaghan, Claire Danes, Kristanna Loken, Eva Green, Bryce Dallas Howard, Sienna Miller, Mena Suvari, Thora Birch, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Neve Campbell, Rachel McAdams, Rachel Blanchard, and (rumor has it) Amanda Seyfried and Rachel Bilson (love those Rachels – you Jessicas can learn a lot from the Rachels) join the list.  The list of future Oscar-worthy actresses.  (Although, you can all stand to do more nudity.  In for a penny, in for a pound.)

As for all the rest of you, there is still plenty of time for you to do right thing.  For the paying audience that deserves nothing less and for your careers, the two masters you should be serving.
Do it. We're watching you.