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FROM THE DESK OF
BACKOFTHEHEAD.COM
November 5, 2004
Dear Natalie Portman,
Recently, it has come to our attention that you asked Mike Nichols,
the director of your new feature film Closer, in which you
play a stripper, to remove your nude scenes. Absurdly, he has complied
with your ridiculous request. We quote you in Entertainment Weekly
as saying, "He wants to see my bare ass much less than even
my father would. He's as or more protective of me than my parents
are. So doing sexual, physical stuff for him felt very uncomfortable."
Oh, I see. It was uncomfortable for you and him?
Well, what about us? Huh? What about the public who planned
to pay our hard-earned money to see your movie? Don't we get a say
in this? You play a stripper in Closer. A stripper!
Maybe this wasn't something you necessarily learned while you attended
Harvard, but strippers take their clothes off. Closer is
rated R. R! There is no justifiable reason for your nudity to be
excised from this film.
How could you do this to your loyal fans, Natalie? Haven't we stood
by you all these years? When you debuted in The Professional,
we were enamored with you. But you were so young, only 13. We understood
that and we waited. When you turned 18, we remained patient. Even
when you were at Harvard, we resisted the urge to try and find you.
We dreamed of walking down wind from you, perhaps getting a whiff
of your hair. But there was no need. We didn't do that, Natalie,
what do you take us for? And besides, we knew you needed your space.
We said to ourselves, "Natalie will come through for us. She
knows we're waiting. She'll take care of us when she graduates."
What about those Star Wars prequels? All those scenes you
had to listen to Jar Jar Binks's "meesa weesa" garbage,
we winced alongside you. When you awkwardly proclaimed your love
for that flaming fairy Anakin Skywalker, we didn't buy it anymore
than you did, but we shrugged and went along it. We did it for you,
Natalie. It was all for you.
But clearly, you don't feel the same way about us. You've taken
us for granted. Clearly, you don't care. We asked for one simple
thing from you, a look at your supple, gyrating 23-year old nude
body. You'd already agreed to do it. The scenes have been shot.
But you had them removed from Closer. Why, Natalie, why?
It seems what we want doesn't matter to you. It never mattered,
did it? It's all about you, isn't it, Natalie? What you want, what
you need, what you're afraid of. We see how it is.
Anne Hathaway will be nude next year in Havoc. She will
have full-frontal nudity and perform sexual acts on screen. She
cares about her fans. She is brave and generous, unlike you, Natalie.
Unlike you.
We won't be seeing Closer, Natalie Portman. None of us will.
Your movie will fail at the box office. You've lost our support.
You've disappointed us. You've made us angry. You let us down.
Shame on you, Natalie Portman. It's over between us.
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