Awesome
Movies of the 1980's
MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE
John: There is a live-action Transformers movie in the works for
2006. It's not necessary. Perfection was achieved in 1986 and its
name is Transformers: The Movie.
For children who grew up watching The Transformers from '84-'86,
Transformers: The Movie was the pinnacle of that cartoon
and, in my case, of my 11 year old life up to that point; a gorgeously
animated, ultra-violent, galaxy-spanning adventure about shapeshifting
robots. The music
and score are unforgettable. The dialogue is remarkably
quotable. The violence remains unmatched for any mainstream cartoon
aimed at children: the characters killed each other early and often.
And most shocking death of all was the death of Optimus
Prime.
To the best of my knowledge, Transformers: The Movie is
the only movie actually set in the year 2005, which makes it the
ideal choice to kick off both 2005 and Back of the Head's Awesome
Movies of the 1980's.
"It is the year 2005. The treacherous Decepticons have
conquered the Autobots' home planet of Cybertron..."
The Plot: The evil Decepticon forces led by Megatron lay siege
to Autobot City on Earth. Autobot Commander Optimus Prime mounts
a heroic rescue mission and saves his fellow Autobots but Prime's
final battle with his arch enemy Megatron ends in his tragic death.
The Autobot Matrix of Leadership, passed on to Ultra Magnus, becomes
the focal point of a conflict sparked by Unicron, a robot planet-eater,
seeking to destroy Cybertron, the homeworld of the Transformers.
Unicron recreates the dying Megatron as Galvatron and charges him
to destroy the Autobot Matrix. With Galvatron's forces on their
trail, the Autobots face their darkest hour and must race across
the stars to save Cybertron before it is destroyed by Unicron. Along
the way, they meet new allies and the Matrix is passed to their
new leader, Rodimus Prime.
KILLING IN THE NAME OF
John: The Transformers is the story of two bands of good and evil
robots locked in a war that has raged for over four million years.
Being weekday afternoon cartoon mainstays, the Transformers and
G.I.
Joe cartoons were violent but famously bloodless for
sagas about armies trying to kill each other. Looking back, Transformers:
The Movie was the transition point between the first set of
Transformers toys that the cartoon was built around (quaintly referred
to as Generation One today) and the next set of toys whose cartoon
would follow the movie's release. The decision was made to literally
kill off the popular old characters to make way for the new. Of
course, at the time, we kids didn't know that. There was no warning
for what we would see when we sat in the theatre to watch Transformers:
The Movie:
Megatron: Die, Autobots!
John: Early in the movie, the Decepticons attack an Autobot shuttle
headed for Earth. Megatron transforms into his gun mode and Starscream
uses him to blow flaming holes straight through Prowl,
Sunstreaker, Ratchet and fan favorite Ironhide. Even now, 19 years
later - Holy shit, dude! Just like that, the Autobots were dead.
Megatron: This was almost too easy, Starscream.
John: No shit. It begs the question why the Decepticons didn't
do that four million years ago. Before the shock of those cold-blooded
murders could sink in, Ironhide, still marginally functional, makes
a last, desperate attempt to stop Megatron and gets his head blown
off point blank by Megatron's Fusion cannon.
Megatron: Such heroic nonsense.
YOU'VE GOT THE TOUCH
Optimus Prime: Megatron must be stopped. No matter the cost.
John: With those words, Optimus Prime launched himself (literally)
into a heroic action that blazed into my subconscious and remains
there to this day. Prime singlehandedly barreling through the Decepticons,
rocketing himself into the air, transforming in mid-air, and then
shooting down every Decepticon in his way is amazingly bad ass.
That action defined the Optimus Prime character for an entire generation
and cemented him as an icon.
John: Optimus and Megatron then had their final confrontation.
Even the dialogue is iconic:
Optimus Prime: One shall stand, one shall fall.
Megatron: Why throw away your life so recklessly?
Optimus Prime: That's a question you should ask yourself, Megatron.
Megatron: No! I'll crush you with my bare hands!
John: And he didn't. This fight was textbook WWE
booking: the heel is totally outclassed by the babyface, the heel
uses foreign objects and cheats to gain an advantage, there's outside
interference, the face overcomes everything to win, but is never
the same after the fight. By "never the same after" I
mean "dies from" (the point where things differ greatly
from the WWE.) Megatron takes advantage of Hot Rod's botched run-in
attempt to grab a laser gun and uses it to mortally wound Optimus
before being beaten to death by the patented Starfleet
double sledge hammer.
John: A word about the music. Optimus Prime's theme song "The
Touch" is one of the cheesiest and therefore greatest theme
songs in all of cartoonland. Seriously, what fan of this movie doesn't
hear this song and feel all a-tingle as visions of Optimus Prime
fighting Megatron come rushing back? In 1997, "The Touch"
showed up again in Boogie
Nights. Writer-director Paul
Thomas Anderson tries to pull a fast one: Mark
Wahlberg sings it in a scene set in the early 80's, which
is a blatant anachronism as the song wasn't recorded until 1986
specifically for Transformers: The Movie.
ENTER THE MATRIX
John: From the euphoria of Optimus Prime's heroism we immediately
careen into the unfathomable sadness of his death. Robots and human
children all cried together as Optimus passed away from his injuries,
his metallic frame inexplicably and instantaneously turning to stone
unlike every other Transformer who has died before or since.
Optimus Prime: Do not grieve. Soon, I shall be one with the Matrix.
John: The what now?
Neo: Whoa.
John: The biggest new concept introduced in Transformers: The
Movie is the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, something never before
mentioned at any point in the cartoon but is suddenly the single
most important device in the universe. Apparently, the Matrix is
the nexus of all the accumulated wisdom of the Autobots and the
source of all their power. The Autobot Leaders have this Matrix
encased in their chests and their souls are stored in the Matrix
when they die. The Matrix must then be passed onto the next chosen
leader.
Optimus Prime: Ultra Magnus, it is to you, old friend, I pass the
Matrix of Leadership as it was passed to me.
Ultra Magnus: But Prime, I'm just a soldier. I... I'm not worthy.
John: I'll say. Magnus, voiced by Robert
Stack, proves that throughout the movie.
Ultra Magnus: What do you expect? I'm just a guy who solves Unsolved
Mysteries. Actually, I don't even solve them, I just
point out that they're unsolved.
SIZE DOES MATTER
John: Of all the new characters introduced in Transformers:
The Movie, the biggest, literally, is Unicron, the devourer
of worlds.
Galactus:
There's an original idea.
John: Unicron is a robot planet that eats other planets. Actually,
it seems like Unicron only eats other robot planets since he is
never shown attacking organic worlds like Earth. Which begs the
question of how many robot planets are there in space? There have
to be enough for Unicron to sustain himself. And if there aren't,
what does Unicron plan to do when he eventually eats every robot
planet? So many questions. Unicron also has a secret. Oh, here it
is: Unicron, being a planet, transforms into a really big fucking
robot. A fitting final role for the late, great Orson
Welles. In a way, Unicron is a lot like a giant robot
version of Charles
Foster Kane, though don't ask me exactly how that is.
THE NEW MODELS
John: The original Transformers, now mostly all dead, were redesigned
into Earth-style vehicles and weapons when they crashed on Earth.
In Transformers: The Movie, we meet all new characters, who
are decidedly more futuristic-looking in keeping with the latest
Cybertronian transformable robot designs. For the Autobots, there's
Springer, the wisecracker, Kup, the cantankerous old Autobot with
the wrinkles to show for it (robots get wrinkles when they age)...
John: Blurr talks and moves fast (but only in robot form - he
doesn't drive extra fast as a car)...
John: Arcee, a hot female Autobot (who marked the first - but not
the last - instance of me wanting to have sex with a robot)...
John: And most importantly, Hod Rod, the impetuous youth destined
for greatness and voiced by Judd
Nelson.
John: One big exception that bugs me is Ultra Magnus.
Ultra Magnus: What is it you have against me, son?
John: Nothing, really. But what I don't get is why Ultra Magnus
transforms into a 1980's version of tractor car trailer when he
wasn't with the original group of Autobots that crashed on Earth
four million years ago who were redesigned.
Ultra Magnus: How do you know I wasn't?
John: I guess I don't.
MEET THE NEW BOSS, SAME AS THE OLD BOSS
John: Following their defeat at Autobot City, Starscream egged
the Decepticons to throw all their wounded bretheren out into space.
All he was really after was an easy excuse to get rid of Megatron
and finally become leader of the Decepticons, a job which he'd been
scheming after for four million years.
George W. Bush: It's hard work.
John: After a brief power struggle that really pissed off Astrotrain,
who they were all riding back to Cybertron in, Starscream got his
way and tossed Megatron into the void.
Megatron: Wait! I still function.
Starscream: Wanna bet?
John: Much like Futurama's
Bender,
another evil robot who once drifted hopelessly along through space
in the year 3002, Megatron encountered a god of sorts: Unicron,
who summoned Megatron to him for a purpose.
Megatron: Nobody summons Megatron!
Unicron: Then it pleases me to be the first. This is my command:
You are to destroy the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. It is the one
thing, the only thing, that can stand in my way.
John: Megatron, who was in no position to make any demands, bitched
and moaned at Unicron about every little thing. If I were Unicron,
I probably would have just chewed him up and spit him out rather
than deal with any more of his complaining, but Unicron is so afraid
of the Matrix, he'd rather cut a deal with this asshole than do
his own dirty work. You could already see that would be Unicron's
fatal mistake right there. But instead, Unicron uses his crazy robot
superpowers to give Megatron and his dying Decepticons life anew.
Unicron: Behold! Galvatron!
THE KING IS DEAD, LONG LIVE THE KING
John: The first thing Galvatron does is go to Cybertron and put
the Decepticons' house in order. Starscream was in the middle of
the coronation he'd waited millions of years to have for himself
when Galavatron crashed it, transformed into a cannon, and blew
Starscream to kingdom come. Stepping on Starscream's shiny new golden
crown was just extra mean.
Galvatron: Coronation, Starscream? This is bad comedy.
Starscream: Megatron? Is that you?
Galvatron: Here's a hint.
John: I'm surprised Starscream recognized Galvatron at all. Along
with looking completely different, Galvatron has the voice of Leonard
Nimoy. But I guess when you've been kicked around and
held down by your boss for millions of years, you'd recognize him
regardless of what he looked like. Anyway, the fear of also being
disintegrated guaranteed instant loyalty to Galvatron from the rest
of the Decepticons. As my uncle once told me: What breeds loyalty?
Fear. Fucking fear.
THIS I SWEAR
John: Unicron got hungry and destroyed the two moons of Cybertron,
gobbling up several Autobots and Spike, their longtime human ally,
who uttered something totally unexpected as his shuttle was pulled
into Unicron's waiting orifice.
Spike: Oh, shiiiiiiit!!
John: In the scene selection screen of the Transformers:
The Movie
DVD, the scene with Spike saying 'shit' is actually titled
'Swear Word.' Quite an effective warning. Kids, you must heed the
warning and skip over this scene. It will tarnish your fragile little
minds.
FIVE BY FIVE
John: At this point, Transformers: The Movie turns into
a big chase movie where the Autobot forces head off into space to
save Cybertron from this new menace trying to eat their planet.
Galvatron and his shiny new Decepticons are hot on their tails and
force the two Autobot shuttles to separate. Actually, this is where
the movie starts to lose me a bit as the two sets of Autobot heroes
meet annoying new friends.
Wheelie: Wheelie say find friends today.
John: Yeah, you. Hod Rod, Kup, and the Dinobots crash land on the
planet Quintesson and meet Wheelie, a young, presumably male, Transformer.
Yes, Transformer children. Not just Transformer children, but little
orphan Transformer children. This is weirder than it already is.
I'd like Wheelie a lot more if he were more like Tinny
Tim. The heroes also run afoul of the mindless Sharkticons
and their diabolical masters, the five-faced Quintessons.
John: We didn't know it at the time but it turned out the Quintessons
were the original creators of the Transformers. Why did they create
them? And who created the Quintessons? Youngsters, it's best to
discover girls rather than seek the answers to those questions.
DARE TO BE STUPID
John: Meanwhile, Ultra Magnus, Springer, Arcee and Spike's young
son Daniel crash land on the planet Junkion. Who lives there? Holy
shit, more Transforming robots! The Junkions' leader is Wreck-Gar,
voiced by Eric
Idle. Wreck-Gar is quite a curiosity; a robot made of
junk who transforms into a motorcycle, sports the facial hair of
a 19th century Chinese opium lord, and who talks in outdated TV
speak. Actually, now that I think about it, it makes sense; considering
how long it takes a television signal to travel through space, I
guess "And now the news. Don't touch that dial. Film at eleven"
would be something retarded transforming robots who live on a junk
planet would intercept. I still can't reconcile the facial hair.
John: The Autobots and the Junkions have little tussle set to Weird
Al Yankovic's "Dare to be Stupid", one of the
most endearingly inane songs ever recorded. When they were kids,
Jeff and Lance used to listen to the song and try to do all the
stupid things Weird Al describes, like squeezing all the Charmin
they can and sticking their heads in the microwaves to get themselves
a tan. You know, I bet they'd still do it if they hear the song.
I should test that Pavlovian
theory one of these days. Anyway, Galvatron attacks the Autobots
and takes the Matrix from Ultra Magnus, who utters the first swear
word ever heard from a Transformer while trying to use the Matrix
on Galvatron.
Ultra Magnus: Open, damn it, open!
John: You kiss your robot mother with that mouth? Ultra Magnus
finds himself literally blown to pieces by Galvatron, who takes
the Matrix and, taking a cue from Flavor
Flav, attaches a chain to it and wears it around his
neck. In a way, I suppose Galvatron is a robot version of Flavor
Flav.
John: Luckily, Hot Rod and his posse arrive on Junkion. The misunderstanding
with the Junkions is smoothed over thanks to the "universal
greeting."
Hot Rod: Bah weep graaaagnah wheep ni ni bong?
John: Apparently the producers of Transformers: The Movie
decided to end The
Jetsons' cornering of the market on gibberish ("Eep
opp orp ah ah" means "I love you.") Take that, Elroy!
After this meeting of the minds between the Autobots and the Junkions,
they become fast friends. The Junkions repair Ultra Magnus and the
entire band of merry robots spirit off to Cybertron for the big
finish.
USURPER! USURPER!
John: Galvatron, thinking having the Matrix hangin' round his neck
makes him the mack daddy, mouths off to Unicron one too many times
and pees his shiny metal pants when Unicron transforms into the
aforementioned BIG FUCKING ROBOT.
John: How Unicron planned to eat Cybertron while he was standing
on it is something I question. Unicron swallows Galvatron and then
gobbles up the Autobots who had just arrived for the rescue. As
the Autobots fight to survive in Unicron's bowels, Galvatron and
Hot Rod go one on one, and the Matrix gets involved. Hot Rod, the
chosen one, is transformed.
The Voice of Optimus Prime: Arise, Rodimus Prime.
John: Up to this point, I've refrained from discussing Hot Rod
and his hated alter ego, Rodimus Prime. I never hated Rodimus. I
liked him. I had his action
figure. Now, Hot Rod was a cooler character, not just
because he knew my nickname...
Hot Rod: Fish're jumpin' today, huh, Dano?
John: ...But because he was the young rebel who was on the cusp
of becoming a great hero. His sudden transformation into Rodimus
Prime, the successor to Optimus, and the new top dog of the Transformers
was too much for most kids to swallow and they didn't like it one
bit. After all, we'd just met Hot Rod in this very movie, and now
he's supposed to take the place of our beloved Optimus Prime, the
guy we just saw die saving the world? Most kids turned on Rodimus
Prime the way the Madison Square Garden crowd turned on Brock
Lesnar and Goldberg
at WrestleMania
XX. Eventually, they got their way as Optimus came back
from the dead and Rodimus was demoted back to Hot Rod, but the damage
was done.
'TIL ALL ARE ONE!
John: Hang on, we're almost done. Rodimus Prime handlily defeats
Galvatron in battle, tossing him out of Unicron the way Kevin
Nash once used Rey
Mysterio as a javelin on Monday Nitro. And then it was
time for one last bit of crazy robot magic.
Rodimus Prime: Now light our darkest hour!
John: Unicron was already uncomfortable from all the robots fighting
inside him. He probably felt a little like Mr.
Slave does with Lemmewinks
and Paris
Hilton crammed up his sphincter.
Unicron: Jesus Christ!
John: Rodimus opens the Matrix and unleashes its awesome power.
No wonder Unicron was scared shitless of that thing. It was the
only laser light show in the galaxy that could blow up a giant planet-sized
robot real good. And then it's over. The Autobots have won their
greatest victory. The Decepticons have been defeated at last. Unicron
is no more; even though Cybertron's moons are gone, Unicron's head
orbits the planet, presumably correcting any meteorological issues
Cybertron encountered from the loss of its moons. Everything worked
out just great.
Rodimus Prime: Let this mark the end of the Cybertronian wars as
we march forward to a new age of peace and happiness. 'Til all are
one!
John: 'Til all are one what? Transformable robots? I'd love to
be one. Whatever. One thing I do know: Transformers: The Movie
is an awesome movie of the 1980's.
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