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ENTERTAINMENT THE BET July 20, 2006
The Big Losers The guy in the baseball cap, Mr. Singer, I'm looking forward to S2: Superman's Always Around (suggested title). He'll get his $300,000,000. He deserves it. The other guy, Mr. Merkin, I'm looking forward to that Pirates DVD, matey. July 16, 2006 I Win the Bet!
THE BIGGEST MOVIE OF It's official. As of this weekend Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest has grossed over $258-million in its first ten days. Having surpassed X-Men: The Last Stand's $230-million gross, Pirates reigns supreme at the box office as The Biggest Movie of the Summer. It could very likely be The Biggest Movie of 2006. This week has been almost-non-stop record making: Biggest non-holiday Monday ever, Biggest Tuesday ever, tied for the fastest ever to reach $200-million. Pirates is a lock to be the first and thus far only movie in 2006 to make $300-million domestic at the box office. $400-million is even a possibility. Arrrr. All this means one simple thing: I win the Bet! I win, I win, I win and it wasn't even close. It was easy. It was no contest. It was as serious an ass kicking as I theorized (see below) when the Bet was made back in May. I was right. Me. I was right. I was right all along. Arrrrr! This fall, this fall, a Pirates DVD for me! Arrrrrrrrrr!! There, that should be enough gloating. Although, in truth, I've been gloating since the $55 million opening Friday was announced. The Bet was over a week ago when Pirates had grossed $132-million for the Biggest Opening Weekend of All-Time benchmark. I didn't declare victory then, nor even when Pirates sailed past Superman Returns during the week. But now, it really is over. Superman is going to struggle to make it to $200-million domestic. I take no joy in Superman's troubles. I have my problems with Superman Returns but I think it's a good movie and I never wished it harm. I just wanted to win The Bet. In the final analysis, I think Superman Returns is a better movie overall than Pirates. However, even with the negative-slanted review I gave it, I still actually like Pirates more than Superman. Superman is a better film, but Pirates is a better summer movie experience. If I could have chosen the ideal outcome for The Bet, I'd have wished for Superman to have grossed $300,000,000 and for Pirates to have grossed $300,000,001. That way everyone gets what they wanted and wins. And I'd still have won The Bet. As it is, I'll just have to settle for the way things played out in real life: Pirates' complete and utter domination of the box office. To some degree, I'd have preferred to write this article in September, after a two month-long slugfest between Pirates and Superman for supremacy. That would have been great. But I guess I'll just have to settle for my horse winning the race early and winning bigger than I ever could have imagined. Personally, I haven't had too great a summer at the movies. May was a rough month for me as I actively disliked (Mission: Impossible 3, Poseidon) or outright hated (X-Men: The Last Stand) the major tentpoles. I only liked The Da Vinci Code, which is no masterpiece, just a good adaptation that worked better as a movie than the novel did for me. June saw some improvement; I saw some movies I liked (Over The Hedge, Click, The Devil Wears Prada), some I really didn't (The Omen, A Prairie Home Companion), and one documentary I think is probably the best thing I've seen all summer (An Inconvenient Truth.) And of course, Superman. This month thus far, I've loved Cars and liked A Scanner Darkly overall. And of course, Pirates. Still, I'm not terribly enthused overall with the summer movies of 2006. Which is why I'm glad Alex and I made The Bet in the first place. The constant taunting and psyche-outs were my primary source of entertainment in May and June. It was a lot of fun fucking with each other. I don't know if we'll make another bet next year (Spider-Man 3 vs. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End? I can't even conjecture which one the public wants to see more). The Bet was all in good fun. I wish the fun could have lasted a little longer and the fight been more even, but we can thank the shit job Warner Brothers did marketing Superman for that. Superman deserves a hell of a lot better than the respectable business it's done. As for the very recently added stipulation that had Superman Returns won The Bet, Natalie Smyka would have gotten naked, well, fuck, man. Even when I win, I lose. July 10, 2006
BIGGEST OPENING WEEKEND July 8, 2006
BIGGEST OPENING DAY IN HOLLYWOOD HISTORY!
May 2, 2006
The Bet There's a great deal riding on summer movie season 2006. More than ever before. Alex Merkin, director of Across the Hall, and I disagree on what will be the biggest movie of the summer. (North American box office only.) Every year we argue and debate which movie will rule the box office, which one audiences will flock to the most. This year, to make things interesting, we decided to make a little wager. What will be the biggest movie of the summer of 2006? The prize, so desirable, so precious: The loser has to buy the winner the special edition DVD of the winning movie. Oh, and there's also bragging rights, which with our crew is worth its weight in Kryptonite. (Which is what Pirates will be to the Man of Steel's box office tally, but I'll get to that in a bit.) Now, our bet is not nullified if another movie grosses more than either of ours. We're still competing between ourselves, even if X-Men: The Last Stand, Poseidon, or The Da Vinci Code somehow out-grosses both of our picks (not bloody likely.) However, we expect (and hope) that doesn't happen. We believe the summer box office champ will be either Superman or Pirates. Superman Returns, you'd think it's the movie to beat, wouldn't you? Sure, why not? It's SUPERMAN after all, the greatest superhero of all. Superman is directed by Bryan Singer, who made the X-Men franchise both financial and popular blockbusters. I've got nothing but admiration for Singer and his work. Children all over the world, of all ages, will go see Superman fly on the big screen once again – and it's said to be a continuation of the story began in Richard Donner 's Superman: The Movie, which is beloved by older fans of the character and is one of my favorite movies of all-time. I'll personally see Superman Returns more than once and sample it on IMAX 3D. I hope Superman Returns is as great as it should be. If it is, I hope it makes a fortune, spawns even better sequels, and re-establishes the Man of Tomorrow as the hero for the children of America as he was for me when I was five years old. I'm on Superman's side. As long as he comes in second. Pirates of the Caribbean is the movie to beat. Pirates is a sequel to perhaps the most beloved movie of 2003. Virtually everyone who saw Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl thought well of it, if not outright loved it. It's one of the few true crowd-pleasing blockbusters of recent years. The very same team that brought you the first Pirates is back for the sequel (and the third movie next summer): Producer Jerry Bruckheimer, director Gore Verbinski, Academy Award nominee Keira Knightley, heartthrob Orlando Bloom. But who cares about them? Most importantly, back as Captain Jack Sparrow – his most famous and beloved role - Academy Award nominee Johnny Depp. There he is, my ace in the hole. Johnny Depp. All ages, sexes and races, everyone in North America, will stampede to their local multiplex this summer to see Johnny Depp delight us all once again as Captain Jack Sparrow. Both movies will have the requisites of a successful summer blockbuster: action, adventure, romance, dastardly villains, special effects. Pirates of the Caribbean shares much of the same across-the-board demographics as Superman Returns is expected to have. Children love Pirates, men love it, adults love it, teenagers love it, the elderly love it. But there is one special demographic riding the Pirates ship: Women. Women love Johnny Depp. Women will flock to Pirates for him. And as we know from Titanic and My Big Fat Greek Wedding, women can drive a mega-blockbuster when they are so inclined. What do women feel when they see Brandon Routh in his tight blue suit, little red shorts and billowing cape? I can't be sure, being a guy, but probably not anywhere near the thrill women feel when Johnny Depp swaggers on screen as a swarthy pirate. Arr. And let's not forget, Orlando Bloom's in the movie as well. Ladies like him too. And for the fellas: Keira Knightley. It's a winning package, unlike what Superman is sporting in his red Hanes over his blue leggings. I'm confident Pirates will rule the seas of the summer box office. Sure, there are hordes of comic book fanboy geeks who are anxiously waiting for Superman to figuratively fly them out of their parents' basements for two hours. But in my informal inquiries on the matter of Superman vs. Pirates, which is hardly comprehensive or scientific but whatever, I sense a distinct blasé about Superman in the general public, while Pirates is virtually penciled in on nearly everyone's summer calendars. (That's July 7, 2006 – it's not too early to make your plans.) If there's such a thing as a lead in a race of box office numbers for movies that won't even come out for two more months, then I'm definitely in the lead. To be fair to Superman, he's been an absentee hero. Except for the teaser with Marlon Brando 's voice over and John Williams ' score that was released in November, there has been hardly any footage of Superman seen, just a few magazine covers. The media blitz for Superman will take off when the new trailer debuts with Mission: Impossible: III (there's a smart move, attach your trailer to Tom Cruise, the least popular movie star in America.) However, since they're opening a week apart, Pirates will have its own marketing cannons blasting over the next two months, reminding the moviegoers of North America of how much they want to see Pirates. They don't have to be sold, they're already sold. Superman Returns will have the week between June 30 and July 6 all to itself and will rack up bundles of cash over the Fourth of July weekend. Superman and America, it's a winning combination. Superman will no doubt have the most profitable week of his life. Then, on July 7th , the Pirates of the Caribbean will set sail, the dead man will be Superman, because the Dead Man's Chest will be filled with lethal green Kryptonite. Opening weekend box office will be closely watched and will create some bragging rights and psyche-out opportunities, but The Bet is about overall gross and it's a long slog from July to September. When Labor Day weekend ends, the final box office for the summer will be tallied and I'll be counting days until Alex shuffles over to me and hands me my winning booty, the Pirates DVD wrapped in a big bow of victory. Yo ho ho ho, a Pirates DVD for me. God, I want that Pirates DVD, and I'm gonna get it. I'm so totally gonna get a free DVD from Alex. Superman will crash and burn, careers will be ended, studios will go bankrupt, why, irreparable damage could even be done to the quality of filmmaking in Hollywood if Pirates win. But when I get that DVD, hold it in my hands, pop it in the DVD player and make Alex watch the victorious Biggest Movie of Summer 2006 on his own 59” inch Samsung HD LCD, it'll all be worth it. Man, I can't wait. It will be totally super sweet. Even if we all get run over by Cars. 6:00pm
“Superman will nev –“ “WRONG!!” Okay, so I wrote the above this morning. Since then, the Superman Returns trailer has hit the Internet. I like it. I like it a lot. As a Donner fan, it feels right. The comedy caught me off guard, but it feels right. It sounds right. It feels like the Superman I remember, but new, different. Modern. Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor is the highlight here. Twisted, menacing, yet still funny. I'm not sure yet about Brandon Routh and Kate Bosworth . Rather than seeming like adults, they almost seemed like college kids playing adults. And I'm not sure about Lois's kid. I was also a little thrown by Frank Langella as Perry White. That's fucking Dracula. I wouldn't dare call Dracula “Chief.” Everything else seems to fly. I hope it's even better than it seems. Oh, and Perry White says the title of the movie. "Superman Returns." Right there, four stars. 9:15pm
"Summon the Kraken!" Finally got around to seeing the Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest trailer. It took a while to track down mirror sites, but it was worth it. Pirates looks neat, like more of the same as the original, with more monsters and more thrills. Depp is how I remember him, Knightley looks terrific. This movie looks like a lot of fun. But the deal maker: Pirates has a Kraken. A motherfucking Kraken! Anyone who really knows me knows that if there's one kind of monster I love, it's a Kraken. There hasn't been a Kraken in a theatrically-released movie since Clash of the Titans. Ironically, back when I wrote superhero stories for fun years ago, I plotted one out where my heroes battled man-eating Kraken beneath the ocean depths. And now this summer, Superman himself will battle a Kraken, in a way. Think about the irony.
Of course, in my story the superheroes beat the Kraken. I kind of need the reverse here in real life to win my bet. So what about it, North American movie audiences? Who likes pirates and Kraken more than Superman? Okay, I might be in trouble...
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