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ENTERTAINMENT April 6, 2007 Bond Girls
Nobody Does Them Better To me, the most important component of the James Bond movies, besides Bond himself, are the Bond Girls. Aston Martins and vodka martinis come and go but a good Bond Girl is forever (until the next movie). If that criteria's good enough for James Bond, it's good enough for me. There have been dozens of Bond Girls over the years. Out of the 22 "official" Bond movies the following are... My Favorite Bond Girls 10) Blofeld's cadre of hot female assassins, specifically Nancy (Catherine Schell)
Posing as "Sir Hilary Bray," Bond infiltrated Blofeld's lair in the Swiss alps and came across over a dozen hot women Blofeld had hypnotized and trained into assassins. Naturally, Bond slept with two of them, including Nancy, the one I think is hottest. He fed them both the same lines, lied to them, and made them call him "Hilly." Mind you, Bond was seeing his future wife Tracy Di Vicenzo at the time, which might explain why "Hilly" took it easy and limited himself to shagging just two. 9) Jill Masterson (Shirley Eaton)
Bond was in Miami and observed Auric Goldfinger cheating his mark at gin rummy, so he decided to head up to Goldfinger's suite and seduced Jill, Goldfinger's bikini-clad accomplice. Goldfinger retaliated by having Jill covered in gold bodypaint so she'd die of skin suffocation. With or without the gold coating, Jill Masterson was quite a sight. Her sister Tilly was also hot. Alas, Tilly failed to avenge Jill's murder and bit the bullet before Bond could double his pleasure with both Masterson sisters. 8) Magda (Kristina Wayborn)
There's not much to say about Magda except she was really great looking. Magda was much hotter than her employer, Octopussy (Maud Adams). Bond slept with them both in the movie so it's up to him to say who was better. Magda's main skill besides seduction was that she was an expert pick pocket. No doubt she found a rocket in Bond's pocket. 7) Melina Havelock (Carole Bouquet)
Hell hath no fury like a raven-haired half-Greek knockout who watched her parents gunned down in front of her very eyes. Melina was the strong, silent type. Her role in For Your Eyes Only mostly consisted of her flashing her patented Glare of Death. Melina didn't say much of anything; she usually let a crossbow arrow in the back do most of her talking. All that was just fine with Bond, who was a lot less interested in talking to her than he was in skinny dipping the Greek temple ruins in the Adriatic Sea with her. 6) Miranda Frost (Rosamund Pike)
Halle Berry got all the attention as Jinx but Jinx sucked. I much prefer Miranda Frost, Olympic fencing champion-turned MI6 agent-turned North Korean collaborator. Bond, knowing that an MI6 agent betrayed him to the North Koreans, took fucking forever to figure out who that agent was, despite the fact that Frost was the only other MI6 agent in the movie. Bond was uncharacteristically dull-witted in Die Another Day, but he was still game enough to have sex with Miranda in an ice castle. Not only was Frost blonde, refined, and lethal but as it turned out, she really liked Asians. Big plus. 5) Dr. Christmas Jones (Denise Richards)
At the end of the 90's, there wasn't a hotter girl in Hollywood than Denise Richards. Fresh off starring as a horny, big-boobied, bisexual high school murderess in Wild Things, Richards was cast in The World Is Not Enough as, naturally, a big-boobied nuclear scientist. This was much less believable than what Bond learned of her at the end of the movie, uttering his immortal line, "I thought Christmas only comes once a year." That's every man's favorite kind of holiday. 4) Solitaire (Jane Seymour)
Long before she was Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, a gorgeous 22 year old Jane Seymour was Solitaire, a clairvoyant tarot card reader indentured to serve the evil Dr. Kananga. Live And Let Die was basically James Bond vs. Evil Black People and when Bond saw this hot young English girl being held as a slave by pimps and voodoo witch doctors, he knew that just wouldn't do. As it turns out, Solitaire was also a virgin and would lose her clairvoyance if she were deflowered. Dr. Kananga was planning on doing the dirty deed himself. Bond got in there first. He did the right thing. Once Solitaire'd gone black, she'd have never come back. So much for the hot bimbos. My top three are the cream of the crop; not only beautiful and sexy but also smart and resourceful. Genuine matches for Bond. Naturally, they were all actually his enemies in some form or another. Bond can't catch a break. 3) Major Anya Amasova/Agent XXX (Barbara Bach)
You never forget your first. The Spy Who Loved Me is the first Bond movie I ever saw so Agent XXX is my prototype Bond Girl. Anya Amasova was Bond's Soviet counterpart and teamed with him to stop Stromberg's plan to ignite World War III. Although she wasn't much help in a fight, Anya was a rare case in the 70's of a Bond Girl who was portrayed as his equal. She was also hellbent on murdering Bond for killing her Russian lover at the start of the movie. Instead, they embarrassed both of their countries when they were caught by their superiors having sex in a luxury lifepod at the end of the movie. Anya Amasova is the only one of my top three who became Bond's ally by movie's end. They could have made a hell of a secret agent couple. Too bad she was a stinkin' Commie Russkie. Speaking of which... 2) Xenia Onatopp (Famke Jannsen)
For Pierce Brosnan's first time as Bond, he got to play opposite Famke Jannsen, the most homicidal Bond Girl ever. Xenia Onatopp was a Russian assassin who prefered to murder men by crushing them between her thighs during sex. It's a hell of a way to go, although Bond wasn't keen on that particular sort of climax for himself. A killer with killer looks, Onatopp was a huge step up from henchmen like Oddjob and Jaws. Onatopp is also the first Bond Girl to visibly orgasm on screen. (We've come a long way, baby.) 1) Vesper Lynd (Eva Green)
Eva Green's Vesper Lynd was the best Bond Girl ever. The term "Bond Girl" is actually derogatory towards her. Vesper was a rarity, a Bond Woman. Vesper was the most emotionally complex and three dimensional female counterpart for Bond in the franchise's history. She had it all. Looks? Vesper has them in spades. Charm? Oh yes.Wit? She more than held her own trading pithy quips with Bond. Intelligence? Definitely. Vesper saved Bond's life no less than twice in Casino Royale, all the while hiding a dark secret that lead to her tragic end. Vesper Lynd is a symbol of Bond's arrival in the 21st century. By falling for a real woman, James Bond at long last became a real man. Noticably absent are the obvious yawners who make the usual lists of Bond Girls, including: Honor Blackman as Pussy Galore (Goldfinger), Ursula Andress as Honey Rider (Dr. No), and Halle Berry as Jinx (Die Another Day). I don't much care for any of these broads. What about Diana Riggs as Tracy Bond (On Her Majesty's Secret Service)? Tracy's off limits. Dude, she was Bond's wife. You don't mack on another man's wife. That's not cool. Bros before hos. Bond is always very protective of his Bond Girls. His pet peeves are betrayal and the Bond Girls trying to kill him, like any man, really. In that regard, Bond has a very cavalier attitude towards their lives, especially since he knows there'll be at least two more Bond Girls waiting for him in the next movie. One of my favorite interactions between Bond and a Bond Girl is in Live And Let Die when Bond confronted Rosie Carver at gunpoint about being a henchwoman of Dr. Kananga. After he'd just nailed her of course. Rosie Carver: "You can't kill me. Not after what we've just done." 5 Women Who Should Have Been Bond Girls When They Were Younger Sharon Stone 5 Women I'd Cast As Bond Girls Today |
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