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November 20, 2004
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| Arlen Specter (center) during a 2004 Senate session. |
John: Arlen Specter also really screwed up during the American Gothic Saga when he went toe to toe with the Shadow Creature and ended up teaching it about vengeance before it swatted him like a little bug in green booties and a hoodie cape. Also, I think there was recently a vote that showed the Senate is 100% in agreement that they prefer the Jim Corrigan Arlen Specter to the Hal Jordan Arlen Specter.
Jim Garrison: But that's not even the tip of the iceberg. We lived our own American Gothic Saga when the Warren Commission, rather than admit to a conspiracy, chose to endorse the theory put forth by an ambitious junior counselor, Arlen Specter. One of the grossest lies ever forced on the American people. We've come to know it as the "magic bullet" theory. Yet the government says it can prove this with some fancy physics in a nuclear lab. Well, of course they can. Theoretical physics can prove that an elephant can hang from a cliff with its tail tied to a daisy. But use your eyes, your common sense.
John: Mr. Garrison, it's been 41 years, are you still ranting on about the Kennedy Assassination?
Jim Garrison: Is the government worth preserving when it lies to the people? I say let justice be done though the Heavens fall!
John: Uh, Mr. Garrison...
Jim Garrison: Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left.
Mr. Garrison: That's kinda funny because Mr. Slave likes it back and to the left, too.
Mr. Slave: Jesus Christ!
Jeff: And the people trying to cut Arlen Specter off at the knees don't like it to the left at all. If you can't use views on abortion as part of a litmus test for a judicial nominee, what can you use? Favorite colors? Support for the designated hitter? Number of criminals sentenced to death?
George Bush: Blue, keep it, and not nearly enough. Do I get the job?
Jeff: You have a job.
George Bush: I know what my job is.
CAN YOU DIG IT, SUCKERS?
Rob: The Big Dig has leaks. Awesome. That was $14 billion well spent. I remember when the tunnel was supposed to be five lanes wide, take you straight through the city, cut down on your commute time, and, oh, not fucking leak. It has satisfied none of these criteria. I usually don't approve of the death penalty, but between the cost overruns and the general shittiness of the project, during and after, it seems like the only fair way to deal with the people responsible.
John: The tunnel has leaks? Shut it down and dig another one. And get it right next time, people have to get to work, you know.
Jeff: I love how all the construction companies knew it was happening and didn't say anything about it. As if nobody would notice the water pouring in from the walls. So what would be the cheaper solution, fixing the leaks in the $14 billion dollar tunnel or buying everyone duck boats?
HE'S JUST A SEXY BOY
Rob: People magazine came out with their 50 sexiest men alive issue this week. Being a heterosexual man, I've never read a People magazine, so I'm not sure how that works. Are they ranked in order? Is #35 really quantifiably sexier than #36? And how do you drop from year to year? I can see it if you get into a car accident and fuck up your face or something, but if I was #1 one year, but not the next, I'd be looking for some kind of explanation. Most of these guys I get. Jude Law? Yeah, I'd let him throw it in my ass. But Donald Trump? Seriously?
John: There's only one man I know of who ever developed a foolproof criteria for evaluating a man's sexiness, and that's WWE SmackDown! announcer Tazz.
Tazz: He's a good looking guy, he's got a great body, chicks love him, he's a stud, Cole!
John: See? Fucking foolproof. People Magazine didn't invite Tazz to their gay brunch where they sit around and quibble over whose cleft chin is sexier than whose dimples, which explains why Test has never won Sexiest Man Alive honors. The whole thing is stupid. Call me when Maxim ranks the 100 Sexiest Women in the World. Now, there's something that benefits society. And by 'benefits society,' I mean makes me want to ...you know.
Jeff: And since I consider "society" to be the hand lotion and tissue manufacturers, that's completely accurate. The problem with the 100 Sexiest Women issue would be that people would care. Nobody gives a shit what order the 100 Sexiest Men is in, but if someone ranks Jennifer Lopez above Salma Hayek, I'm heading to their offices with a shotgun.
R.I.P O.D.B
Rob: One of the good ones left us this week as Big Baby Jesus was taken to be with Little Baby Jesus. When a man like Old Dirty Bastard passes away, we should take time to reflect. And then we should make a lot of jokes. Even if they're obvious, it's a sign of respect (or disrespect, whatever) and the effort should be made. Even when it's easy, it's still kind of funny.
Rick James: I'm dead, bitch!
Rob: See what I mean. We owe ODB the same courtesy. He did more than entertain us, he left us words to live by:
"She flew in like calm breeze
Tall brown skin her weave like palm trees
I went coconuts
Dipped my Dunkin' between your Donut
Don't want it if it ain't no slut, bitch!"
John: The first of the Wu-Tang to fall. First soldier down. The news reports say ODB's autopsy was inconclusive. That's probably because the coroner was looking for bullet shells and entry points. When he didn't find any, he probably got confused.
Jeff: It's a shame that Old Dirty Bastard never got to be old.
He tried to make up for it in his short time on Earth by being as
dirty and bastardy as possible, but it's just not the same. The
news coverage was pretty funny since none of the anchors would tell
you what ODB stood for. If I ever do anything newsworthy I'm changing
my name to Shitface Tittyfucker just to see how Dan Rather tackles
it.
