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December 5, 2004IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO IT RIGHT, DON'T DO IT AT ALLJeff: We'll start off with the biggest story of last week, that is if you're one of the depressingly large number of people who get all their news from Entertainment Tonight. Julia Roberts gave birth to twins and named the boy "Phinnaeus." That does it. Celebrities and black women should no longer be allowed to name their own children. They've been fucking it up for the last thirty years and it's time for the government to step in. All you have to do is look at a random NFL team's roster to see how big the problem is. Plaxico? Duce? Hines? Antwaan? Keydrick? Deshea? And that's just the Steelers. Rob: It would have been better if Julia Roberts had named her kid LaShawn or something. Phinneas? Why does she think it's the 19th century? Well, that's fine, if she can do it, so can I. I'm naming my children Elihu, Philander, and Hiram. Hiram Bocachica: Poor kid. John: I think there is some evident resentment deep down from these
celebrities towards their children; they're making sure right from
the moment they enter this world, their kids have one strike against
them so they can never hope to eclipse their parents' fame. But
Julia Roberts is just the most recent example of celebrities giving
their children stupid names. According to this copy of US Weekly
I ...found somewhere... Gwyneth Paltrow named her baby Apple, and
I think Courtney Cox named her baby something like Coco Buttwipe
Arquette. Kate Hudson named her son Ryder Russell Robinson, which
isn't so bad. RESTOCKING THE CABINETJeff: The Bush cabinet is going through more turnover than the 1998 Florida Marlins. His cabinet members are bailing at an alarming rate, with Tommy Thompson joining Tom Ridge, John Ashcroft, Colin Powell, Don Evans, and a few people you've probably never heard of in blowing out of the administration. So far he's nominated five replacements, but none of them have been nearly as cartoonish as a guy like Ashcroft. Even before he was confirmed, you knew exactly what kind of Attorney General the guy who didn't drink, dance, or approve of nude statues would be. I, like most Americans, would rather make up my mind on someone before they have a chance to actually do anything, so this is a less than ideal situation. Rob: The real fun will be if Dick Cheney decides to resign at some point during the next four years. He's a got a bad heart (and cardiac problems too..oh shnap!), so he might not have the health to continue the strenuous duties of Vice President for too much longer. George W. Bush: It's hard work. Rob: I don't know about that. Seems pretty easy to me. All you really have to do is preside over the Senate and cast a tie-breaking vote in the rare occasions when that's necessary. It's kind of a lame job. Dick Cheney: Yeah? Why don't you go fuck yourself? Rob: I'm rooting for George to nominate Jeb if that happens, just
to see the level of anger up here in the blue states. Then Jeb will
be in prime position to run for President in 2008. Wouldn't it be
great if he could run against Hillary? I don't think we've had quite
enough of the Bushes and Clintons over the past 16 years. VOTE AND VOTE AND VOTE OR DIEJeff: Like election fraud? Care about Romania or Ukraine? Not even a little, huh? Both countries haven't yet figured out that it's a lot easier to deny people the right to vote than it is to bus them all over the country to vote multiple times. That's how we do it here in the U.S. of A. and nobody ever complains. Lost in the court battles and demands for new run off elections is the fact that the two who eventually win have to run Romania and Ukraine. What kind of prize is that? Diamond Joe Quimby: They should use the, ah er, campaign funds to move to a more prosperous country, and, ah, run for president. Rob: The Ukrainians nearly ruined my family's Thanksgiving. We
usually try to avoid discussing politics over the dinner table,
because if there's on thing the Sullivans can't agree on, it's post-Communist
Slavic politics, but wouldn't you know it, my uncle came to dinner
wearing his Yushchenko campaign button. Of course, my mother, a
hardliner with strong ties to Russian nationalists, just couldn't
keep her mouth shut about it. Before you know it, the whole family
is taking sides and now we're barely talking to each other. Let's
just hope they get this one settled before Christmas. And I mean
real Christmas, not stupid, late Orthodox Christmas. THAT'S SO GAY, DUDEJeff: Cottondale, Alabama representative Gerald Allen wants to deny public funds for any books which promote homosexuality as an "acceptable lifestyle" in order to protect children from the "homosexual agenda." Apparently the six gay dudes they haven't managed to run out of Alabama yet are causing problems. But the "agenda" thing is a little far fetched. I work in an architecture firm, so I know a whole lot of gay dudes, and I've never once heard them mention their agenda. I assume there has to be a meeting of some sort to hammer out the details of their plans and what they hope to accomplish, but again, I've never even heard whispers about it. So if someone who works with and lives near a whole lot of homosexuals has never heard of these things, but an Alabama congressman has, I can only come to one conclusion: Gerald Allen is totally gay. Rob: Anyone who want to embark on an anti-gay crusade should be
required to take a good pounding in the ass before they can start.
I'm not sure which governmental agency should be in charge of that,
but anyway, if you get your shit pushed and you didn't like it,
then you get to go on your crusade. But if you liked it, then you
might want to rethink a few things. You know what I don't get? Why
do the moral majority people focus on the gays, when there are many,
many other heinous things going on that they could get all uptight
about? For instance, do they realize just how much porn I can look
at whenver I want? Defense of marriage? I'll tell you what, my marriage
is a lot more likely to be threatened because I've jerked myself
raw looking at Internet porn all night than it is because I think
it would be a good idea to get married to Jeff or John instead of
a woman. REMEMBER THE 80S?Jeff: According to Old Navy and some of the college girls I've seen on the train lately, leg warmers are back. Not getting into how stupid that is (and as someone who appreciates a girl with athletic calves, it's pretty damned stupid), we're currently facing an alarming rate of erosion on our nostalgia buffer. Leg warmers were still in style in the mid to late 80s, which leaves us with less than 20 years of unrepeatable history. We're getting dangerously close to acceptable acid washed jeans and parachute pants, and I hope I'm not alone in finding that to be a terrible vision of our future. Hammer: Whatever, man. You can't touch this. Rob: I think I can live with just about any style of clothing coming back as long as the hair doesn't come back. When I watch old shows from the 80's, I can barely be attracted to the women because of the hair. I hit puberty in the mid-to-late 80's, so I know I must have experienced my sexual awaking to big hair and bangs, but I moved past it at some point. I don't mind 80's kitsch as much, just because it explains why Who's the Boss and Diff'rent Strokes are out on DVD. Arnold: Watchoo talkin' 'bout, Rob? Rob: I just feel better thinking that people are buying those DVD's for their camp value rather than because they actually would enjoy watching them. I THINK I JUST SCOREDJeff: Complaints have been coming in about the friskiness of the random airport security frisking. The vast majority of complaints have come from women, and the TSA can't understand how that is, since there's a pretty even split on those randomly selected to be searched. I think it might have something to do with the fact that men don't give a shit about getting a pat down. We know it's far more humiliating for the guy who has to grope around our balls to check for explosives than for us, and we'll rip on the poor guy the entire time he's trying to do his job. Women seem to think anyone gives a shit about seeing them getting a pat down, not realizing that unless they're hot, nobody will pay it the slightest bit of attention. Rob: I always thought a good pat down was the best part of flying.
I guess women don't like some of the creepier TSA elements laying
their hands on them. Security guards, even security guards who protect
us from those evil folks who hate our freedom, aren't always the
cream of the crop. You don't want the guy at the mall feeling you
up, and the TSA guys are only about a step or two above that. When
you give those people a little bit of power, abuses are sure to
occur. Homeland Security can at least take this to heart - they
have a long way to go before they're worse than the Catholic Church. HOME OF STEERS, QUEERS, AND PSYCHO MOTHERSJeff: And finally, one of the most disturbing things I've heard in recent memory comes from the capital of disturbing stories, the great state of Texas. A woman called 911 to tell them she cut off her baby's arms because it wouldn't stop crying. She joins the fellow Texan mother who drowned her kids and the one who bashed her kids' heads in with a rock in claiming God told her to do it. GOD: WHAT IN MY NAME IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? YOU THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO KILL YOUR CHILDREN? DOES THAT SOUND EVEN REMOTELY LIKE SOMETHING I'D SAY? COME ON! USE YOUR BRAINS FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE. I GAVE THEM TO YOU FOR A REASON. YOU HAD BETTER SHAPE UP, OR I'M CLEARING OUT THE PLANET AND STARTING OVER. Abraham: To be fair, sometimes You get a little weird. Rob: Yeah, but He's mellowed out a lot since the Old Testament.
Killing your baby is still something He'd totally disapprove of.
That's definitely one of the most fucked up things I've ever heard.
I can't really get my head around it. Why cut the arms off? Why
cut both arms off? Wouldn't you think something would click in your
head after the first one? Hell, just shake your baby, if you really
need to. I don't know why I think cutting off a baby's arms off
is worse than any of a million other horrible things that happen,
but it just seems like it's much, much further beyond the bounds
of reasonable behavior than just about anything.
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