|
|
December 15, 2004
'TIS THE SEASON
Rob: It's Christmas time, and with it always comes my favorite
holiday news stories: the stories about people getting offended
by religious displays on public property and the stories about how
much money retailers are making. And then there's my second favorite
set of stories, the stories about someone being offended over Christmas
displays on public property. You'd think we'd all have the decency
to celebrate Christmas very quietly. Seriously, I'm not one for
sappy shit, but I'd rather hear a million stories about a soldier
just home from Afghanistan in time to celebrate the holiday with
family than one more story about how Wal-Mart is outperforming sales
from last year by 8%, or how the Pensacola City Hall is being sued
because someone came to work in a Santa hat.
Jeff: Worse than that are the stories of people pissed at stores
because their particular holiday isn't getting proper lip service.
Boycotting Bloomingdale's because they told their employees to say
"Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas?"
Jerry Seinfeld: What's the deal with that?
Krusty the Clown: A bunch of kafatka gentiles they are!
Yoda: Like your manner of speech I do.
John: The Christmas story that irritated me this week is the wax
sculptures of the Nativity in London that was first denounced by
the church and then vandalized by some nut. Okay, David Beckham
as Joseph, Posh Spice as Mary, and George Bush as one of the wise
men (I forget the rest of the celebrities who were made into wax
statues) isn't the best case of casting, but is it really such a
big deal? What's the difference between that and an actor playing
those parts in some movie? The worst things about those statues
are that they're stupid and in poor taste. The best thing about
them is that the likenesses are uncanny. Regardless, why destroy
them? Just don't go to the museum and don't look at the fucking
statues. I'm just surprised this happened in London, so apparently
it isn't just the red states in America with Jesus-fueled humorless
intolerance.
HUMVEE FOR HUMVICTORY
Rob: Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld had a couple of awkward
moments in Iraq this week while taking questions from the troops.
A soldier from Tennessee asked him why they had to scrounge around
scrap heaps looking for armor for their Humvees. A flustered Rumsfeld
gave a couple of responses that made him sound like a pretty big
dick. The last thing a bunch of guys stuck halfway across the world
in a shitty desert getting sniped and car bombed every day want
to hear is that they're not the "army you'd like to have."
I don't know much about the armor, but if there's any Humvee shortage
in the military, they should come down to my neighborhood. I live
about a mile away from Marina Bay, an affluent section of a suburb
of Boston where many Red Sox and Patriots live. Seriously, if you
took a look around where I live, you'd think my town was being occupied
by allied NFL-MLB forces.
Jeff: At least Rumsfeld has the support of former military leaders.
General Norman Schwarzkopf: Every facet of the Iraq war has been
a complete disaster. There was no plan in the beginning and no plan
to fix it.
Jeff: Well, I'm sure the Republican party is giving him the big
vote of confidence.
John McCain: I'm willing to work with him.
Jeff: That doesn't sound like a vote of confidence.
John McCain: That's the best that piece of shit is going to get.
Jeff: Ouch. But he definitely has the support of the White House.
The White House: He doesn't wipe his feet before he comes in and
now the stairs up to the Oval Office are stained. What an inconsiderate
bastard.
John: Rumsfeld said something like "you fight with the army
you have, not the army you wish you could have."
Donald Rumsfeld: I wish we had Terminators. They never need food
or rest, their power cores last forever, and they won't stop until
the job is done.
Terminator: What is my primary objective?
Donald Rumsfeld: Fight the war on terror. Defend freedom.
Terminator: What the fuck does that mean?
John: We've all been wondering that for three years now. Rumsfeld
is a dick. Normally, I enjoy watching him be a dick to reporters
at his press conferences, but he could have shown a little more
compassion to those troops who are doing the dirty work the White
House dreams up.
Donald Rumsfeld: Quit your whinin' or none of you are coming home
for Christmas.
U.S. Soldiers: We're already not coming home for Christmas!
Donald Rumsfeld: That's it! Boots on the ground tour of service
extended one more year! Next one who acts up gets two years boots
on the ground!
SCOTTY TOO HOTTY
Rob: Scott Peterson was sentence to the death penalty for killing
his wife and unborn child. I'm not big on the death penalty, but
I'm also not big on killing your wife an unborn child, so I'll probably
not be shedding too many tears for him. More important that Peterson
dying is this story finally dying. Why was this national news for
years? People get killed all the time, more sensationally and horribly
than this too. Lacey was good looking, but so are a lot of girls
who get killed. I'll never figure out why the media latches on to
one particular story over all the others.
Jeff: I have to admit I haven't watched or read even a little bit
about this one. It seems like the coverage of this case was aimed
more toward the Oprah demographic, and that's definitely not me.
I don't even know what Oprah does other than give away cars and
tell women what books to read these days. I haven't seen a second
of her show since I lived with my mom 10 years ago. But I am sure
the housewives who form her cult care very much about a beautiful,
pregnant wife being killed by a cheating husband. If they could
sentence him to death by negative audience reaction, they would.
John: I'm glad Scott Peterson is gonna fry, or be hanged, or lethally
injected, or beheaded with the guillotine, or however people are
executed in California. I don't believe the world is any better
with him remaining in it so getting rid of him is no sweat of my
brow.
OJ Simpson: I agree. Scott Peterson is a bad man.
John: Aaaghh!! Look out, OJ's loose!
OJ Simpson: No need to be frightened. I'm just looking for the man
who killed my wife Nicole.
John: Uh, yeah, how's that hunt for the real killer been going?
OJ Simpson: Let me tell you, I've been tracking the killer for going
on ten years now. The only thing I'm sure of is that he must be
a criminal mastermind. Why, if they gave out Heinsman trophies for
being a criminal mastermind, he'd have one just like mine.
John: Right. Anything else you learned about the real killer?
OJ Simpson: Well, he's not on the golf courses I play at. Also,
I suspect he's handsome. Other than that, I'm still on hunt.
THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOMELAND SECURITY
Rob: Bernard Kerik removed himself from consideration for the post
of Secretary of Homeland Defense after reports emerged about possible
business improprieties, ties to organized crime, and his failure
to pay Social Security taxes on a nanny who was in the country illegally.
Business improprieties are par for the course in the Bush administration,
and as for organized crime, hey, who doesn't love the Sopranos?
But the nanny thing will bite you on the ass every time.
Lani Guiner: You ain't kidding.
Rob: I don't really see why it's such a big deal though. Sure, you
expect a guy in such a high post to obey the law, and the Secretary
of Homeland Security should probably be tough on immigration. But
does it really affect what kind of job he'd do? Are we afraid that
because of what he's done in the past, he's likely to allow an al-Qaeda
cell into the country to pave his driveway and clean his pool?
Jeff: All those "negatives" look like a whole lot of positives
to me. If the guy responsible for Homeland Defense is into organized
crime and illegal immigrant workers, there could be a whole network
in place for bringing people into the country from Mexico. Huge
transportation inefficiencies would be eliminated, the mafia could
expand into new markets, and there'd never be another dirty dish
or hotel room in the United States.
John: Of course, a mafia-run Department of Homeland Security would
see a wife beater, mattress and piano wire budget rocket skyward.
However, our nation's tollbooths would be well protected. No terrorist
would be able to get through without their car being rammed from
the back and a horde of machine gun toting goombahs jumping out
and shooting them full of holes.
James Caan: Tollbooths? I hate these things.
FACE TIME
Rob: Those crazy Ukranians. Austrian doctors have confirmed that
Ukrainian opposition leader Viktor Yushchenko was the victim of
dioxin poisoning. Dioxin is a toxic substance that causes your face
to look seriously fucked up. I'd be careful if I was the guy trying
to get rid of him. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and
if it messes up your face, chances are you'll start wearing a mask
and become a deranged super-villian bent on revenge. Yushchenko
could easily become the next Dr. Doom, Two-Face or Kane. It won't
be long before Yushchenko stops demanding a recount and starts demanding
that the world bow before his superior might!
John: Wait, was the opposition's plan for Yushchenko to kill him
or just ugly him up? Are the Ukranians that hung up on looks that
they wouldn't vote for a guy with an ugly face? Show me a Russian
leader who could actually be called handsome. Yeltsin was an ugly
old drunk. Kruschev was fat, old, and gross. Gorbachev was not ugly,
but he had that blotch on his head.
Dusty Rhodes: There ain't nuthin' wrong with a little blotch on
a man's body, if you will.
Jeff: Our silly little election problems don't seem so significant
when you look at how fucked up the rest of the world is. John Edwards
is a good looking guy, but you didn't see Dick Cheney slipping some
poison into his water during the VP debates to rearrange his pretty
face. But it does bring up an interesting question, would anyone
be able to tell if John Kerry had been poisoned by dioxin? I'm not
so sure.
MY FINE FEATHERED FRIENDS
Rob: A New York city co-op is facing the wrath of New Yorkers after
it evicted a pair of hawks who have been making their home on the
building for over a decade. I guess everyone loves Hawks...
Ghost of Road Warrior Hawk: Well!
Rob: ..but I'm guessing that everyone loves hawks when they live
on someone else's roof. This is an eight foot nest we're talking
about, I can see how that might be kind of freaky, even if the hawks
aren't hurting anyone. Would people feel different if they were
getting rid of a couple of racoons? Personally, I'd be afraid to
be the one to go up and dismantle their nest. I bet the hawks watched
them the whole time, and as I understand it, they're very good at
that.
Back of the Head House Drummer: <wav>
Jeff: I'm surprised they got rid of the nest. Evict the hawks and
post it on craigslist.org. Cozy, airy, incredible view, heart of
NYC, $2000/month (first, last, security required).
John: Too bad for the hawks they didn't make their nest on Trump
Tower. Not only would they have been reality television stars, but
they'd have a one-man promotional hype machine like no other.
Donald Trump: These hawks are the number one birds in the world
and they have the best, most luxurious nest of any bird in the world.
John: A solid gold plated hawk's nest would be a bit much.
|
