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December 22, 2004MY TIMERob: President George W. Bush was named Time magazine’s Man of the Year this week. Apparently this is considered an honor now. As I understood it, it was just sort of an acknowledgment of the figure who made the most news in a given year. I mean, Hitler “won” Man of the Year once upon a time.
The Ghost of Adolph Hitler: Es ist die Schufterie. Rob: Doesn’t a sitting President have kind of an advantage? Who makes more news than the President every year? How does the voting process work anyway? Is it like voting for MVP? There should be a new writers organization like the BBWAA who vote for Man of the Year.
Buster Olney: George W. Bush had all the flashy Electoral College numbers, but John Kerry brings intangibles that don’t show up on a stat sheet.
Jeff: And I hear Kerry led congress in Productive Failed Legislation Percentage. But it's hard to come up with someone who's made more news than the President.
George W. Bush: It's hard work.
Jeff: However, if you asked a sampling of 15-30 year old girls here in Boston who should be Man of the Year, Johnny Damon would be your runaway winner. And thousands of hot, young women can't be wrong.
John: The President as the Person of the Year is a no-brainer. Who else impacted the news more this year? The only other person that might come close would be Janet Jackson, but Time Magazine would really have to give the award to Janet Jackson's right breast. Although if they put her breast on the cover of their magazine, they might sell a lot more copies.
HELL OF A MESS
Rob: The fucked-uptification of Iraq continued this week as a bomb planted by Iraqi insurgents ripped through a mess tent in Mosul, killing 22 people, including 14 US soldiers.
Donald Rumsfeld: Sometimes you can’t keep mess tents from blowing up.
Rob: It wasn’t clear whether the bomb was planted or launched from a rocket, but what is clear is that it fucking blows to be in Iraq. You don’t seem to be safe wherever you are. At least in most wars, you feel better if you’re not on the front lines. But there aren’t any lines in Iraq. And then they clamp down on the town looking for the perpetrators. What are you looking for, Iraqis who don’t want the US in their city? That should be hard to find.
Jeff: Bringing safety and stability to Iraq would be a lot easier without all those Iraqis. All they have to do is look any civilian carrying a weapon and bring them into custody. Once that's done and the entire adult population of Mosul and the majority of its children are under arrest, the troops are sure to have caught the ones responsible and everything will be fine.
Donald Rumsfeld: I like the cut of your jib, soldier.
Jeff: What's a jib?
Donald Rumsfeld: You occupy the country you have, not the country you wish you had.
John: Which country is that?
Donald Rumsfeld: You're standing right on it.
John: I see. More Americans dying this week is tragic, but we can all take solace in the fact that once the democratically elected President of Iraq takes power, this whole mess will be all over with and the soldiers can come right home. The Iraqis will clean up their own house and within a few years will replace Canada as America Jr.
BABY ON BOARD
Rob: What’s funnier than servicemen dying in Iraq? How about someone strangling a pregnant woman and cutting her unborn fetus out of her belly. Jesus. I thought the story about the woman cutting her baby’s arms off was bad, but this is somehow worse. The woman tried to pass of the baby as her own when she got back home. I guess she was upset after suffering a miscarriage earlier this year. Shit, woman, go to the mall or something, there are plenty of unattended kids there. I bet half of them wouldn’t even be missed.
Jeff: Yeah, but she probably wanted a white baby. Ignoring for a moment how completely fucked up the whole thing was, how did she manage to keep everyone she knew convinced she was pregnant? Especially her husband. I understand they might not have had sex once she was allegedly full-on pregnant, but he had to see her naked or nearly so at some point and realized there wasn't a baby in there. She must have been enormously fat, but I've only seen the head shots of the woman and she didn't look like it in those. That's the only explanation I can come up with. Other than that they're all stupid, fucked up trailer-trash.
John: Such a disgusting, horrible, fucked up crime almost defies rationality and explanation. But just look at this woman. There's really only one answer to why she did it.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: She was seduced by the dark side of the Force. POT O’ GOLD
Rob: A well organized Irish gang pulled off the largest bank robbery in Ireland’s history this week, making off with $39 million. I know crime is bad and all that, but let’s put this in perspective. No doubt, the ringleader of this gang is a charming, devil-may-care rogue who would never actually put anyone in danger. And I have no doubt that the bankers the gang kidnapped and forced to help in their scheme were evil plutocrats who were probably getting ready to foreclose on family farms. No doubt they deserved having their families taken hostage.
Jeff: And the money's definitely going to help the poor: the poor, poor people who have had to survive for this long without a competent drug ring in their community. I heard they're actually using the money to finance the movie on which the crime would have been based. Unfortunately, Colon Farrell might be a little out of their price range.
John: You know, I was going to correct your spelling of 'Colon Farrell' to 'Colin Farrell', but after seeing Alexander, I think that spelling is more appropriate. HAPPY HOLIDAYS
Rob: That's right, motherfucker, you heard me, I said Happy Holidays. I don't have any problem at all with people saying Merry Christmas, even if there exists the chance that you may offend a Jew who I'm sure would just be stunned to hear someone mention Christmas, but boycotting stores for saying Happy Holidays is just asinine. Do we really have to be worried that everyone will forget it's Christmas if they aren't reminded that one extra time at the local mall? I know it doesn't snow much in the Red States, but I'm sure it's still pretty clear that it's Christmas time down there.
Jeff: If I were president of one of those stores and received a complaint letter from a group of boycotters, I'd be temped to send back a two word response to all of them, "Fuck Christmas." Nothing stops irrationality better than being a supreme dick. It's working in the war on terror, right?
Pvt. Will N.B. Cominhome: Yeah, it's fucking great.
John: There's nothing wrong with Happy Holidays as a greeting. Christmas is the showstopper, the headliner, the main eventer, the one true icon of the holiday season, but there's also Channukah and Kwanza going on. I'm not sure about Ramadan, but why not? Happy Ramadan to all of our Islamic brothers and sisters. Happy Holidays to everyone!
Woman Who Cut the Baby From her Murder Victim: Even me?
John: No. Go to Hell.
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