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December 31, 2004
WAVE GOODBYE
Jeff: I’m not sure how many of you have heard
about this one, but an earthquake-induced tsunami killed at least
100,000 people along the shores of the Indian Ocean. Whenever I
hear about something like this, I think about how we’ve managed
to avoid pretty much anything close to that scale here in America.
Is it our more solidly constructed infrastructure? Our geologic
location? Our technological ability to deal with disasters? No,
there’s probably a more simple explanation: Mother Nature hates
third world countries. The people who live there are supposedly
“closest to the Earth,” but those biggest into the spiritual
side of nature always end up getting fucked the hardest by her.
Maybe they need that kind of abuse to be happy in their relationship,
but that’s not very healthy. There needs to be some counseling
and it needs to happen soon.
John: Probably the best thing about living in the Northeast section
of the United States is that rarely, if ever, does the weather try
to kill us here. It gets cold during the winter and we bitch and
moan if it snows a lot, but our section of the planet doesn't seem
to have it out for us. The ground doesn't try to swallow us whole,
the winds don't rip our houses from their foundations, and we never
drown from 20 foot tidal waves greeting us at the front door when
we're getting our morning paper. Such a horrible, senseless tragedy
happened to those people in Indochina. When something like that
happens, it tests one's faith in God. People ask how and why something
like that can happen. How do you put a face on natural disasters?
Here, I'll do it. I blame these guys:
Rob: This type of thing doesn't need to test your
faith in God. When you consider that most of the people killed were
either Hindu, Muslim or Miscellaneous, it's pretty clear that this
was God's judgment on the heathens. Even the vacationing heathens.
Of course, then that also makes you wonder why we in the Northeast
are continually spared God's wrath while people in the Red States
have to deal with hurricaines, floods, mudslides, and Jeff Foxworthy.
It really sucks to be an Indonesian right now though. International
agencies are complaining that the US is being a little stingy with
aid to help the recovery efforts. Well, maybe if they had thought
about developing some weapons of mass destruction before all this
happened, we'd be spending $90 billion on them right now. Tragedies
are tragedies, but there's no excuse for poor planning.
TIME KEEPS ON SLIPPING
Jeff: Doesn’t it seem like the days are getting shorter? If
you said “yes,” you’re right, and extremely perceptive.
The tsunami-causing quake actually rattled the Earth and caused
us to finish a day three microseconds quicker. I’m not losing
any free time on account of some natural disaster, so from now on
I’m leaving the office at 5:29:59.999997 every day whether
they like it or not.
John: Great. I've barely had any time to watch all the DVDs and
play all the video games I got for Christmas as it is. That's three
more microseconds I'll never get back. Thanks a lot, Earthquake.
Rob: Now I have to figure out how to reset my atomic clock. I feel
bad for all the people setting up Times Square. They're going to
have to work that much faster to get everything ready in time.
DEATH SENTENCE
Jeff: Law & Order star Jerry Orbach died this week at the hilarious
age of 69 due to prostate cancer. I hope this serves as a reminder
to everyone to jack
off daily. Just don’t combine the two and masturbate to
Law & Order reruns – that would be creepy.
John: Au contraire. Law & Order had Angie Harmon and then had
Elisabeth Rohm, who used to be Kate on Angel. Two good reasons to
have sex with yourself.
Rob: Yeah, nothing's hotter than jacking off to women in business
suits. They're usually just sitting around during the trials anyway.
You miss your moment, you could be blowing your load all of McCoy's
final summation.
Jeff: I can’t say I ever watched more than a handful of episodes
of the series, but if his autopsy is anything like the show they’ll
find out it wasn’t prostate cancer which killed him at all,
rather another disease that was casually mentioned at the beginning
of the procedure and never brought up again until the conclusion.
Jack McCoy: Wait, the attending physician said Jerry Orbach died
after he left the hospital. How could he have known that unless...Selena,
let's have another word with the good doctor.
John: I was at work and was the one who announced to the girls in
the office that Jerry Orbach died. Now, I've never watched Law &
Order and only knew of him from that, so I was pretty surprised
when my workmates started rattling off all the roles they knew him
from. He was the dad in Dirty Dancing (never saw it) and he was
a candlestick or something in Beauty and the Beast (nope.) Now,
I feel kind of bad I missed out on Jerry Orbach's career all these
years. I don't know if I'll ever get over it.
Lenny Brisco: I'm over it. Over and out.
Rob: I wasn't that bummed out by Jerry Orbach dying until I found
out he had been working on filming anyother Law & Order show.
I wish I had never found that out, then I could've just let Orbach
rest in peace. Now I'm upset that I'll never get to see him in that
show I never knew was going to exist. The good news is that TNN
is planning to air Law & Order non-stop to honor Jerry Orbach.
True, that involves no change in their programming whatsoever, but
it's still a nice gesture.
DEMOCRACY SUCKS
Jeff: Ukraine had their long-awaited Prime Minister election do-over
and recently poisoned Viktor Yushchenko defeated incumbent Viktor
Yanukovych. In a way, they’re both viktors, but in a more accurate
way, Yushchenko is the victor. Yanukovych is understandably upset,
seeing as how he wasted all that time and money rigging the first
election, but his Supreme Court challenge was denied and Yushchenko’s
supporters are stopping him from entering his offices. You’d
think that would be the end of things, but I have a feeling Yanukovych
might have one card left to play. Check this space next week when
we update you on Ukraine’s civil war.
John: Hmm, I really don't have much to add, so I'll defer to Axl
Rose's "Civil War" circa 1991:
I don't need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
You're power hungry, selling soldiers in a
human grocery store
Ain't that fresh?
We don't need your civil war wah-war-wah-war-woah yeah
John: Yeah. Think about it.
Rob: Things started looking bad for Yanukovych after it was confirmed
that Yushchenko had been poisoned. It reflects dimly upon you when
people think you tried to kill your opponent.
Karl Rove: Hmm, there's an idea for the next campaign I manage.
Rob: You're going to poison your opponent?
Karl Rove: No, I'm going to poison my guy to make his opponent look
bad.
Guinness Ad Guys: Brilliant!
Rob: Speaking of American politics, we might not want to be so quick
to look down our noses at the Ukranians. There are people here still
urging Kerry to contest the Ohio results, giving new meaning to
the words "Move on." And Washington state keeps counting
and recounting, and they still can't come up with a clear winner.
I expect better from the United States of America. We're the best
republic in the world, and we can't keep a little further ahead
of a bunch of people who can't even get it straight whether or not
there's a "the" in front of their country's name?
THE ULTIMATE RESOLUTION
Jeff: New Year’s Day is here and it’s time for us at
Back of the Head to make our New Year’s resolutions. I know
nobody cares about these, but other than the tsunami it was a pretty
slow news week. I resolve to let a joke go by when it’s not
appropriate to make it. I knew I had a problem when I went to my
grandfather’s surprise 70th birthday party this summer. He
arrived wearing those huge Blue-Blocker sunglasses all the old people
wear. He came into the back yard and everyone in the party each
went up to greet him. What was the first thing I said to him? “Happy
birthday?” “Good to see you, grampa?” No, it was
“What happened, did the store run out of welder’s masks?”
Hilarious, yes, but wildly inappropriate. In 2005, I’ll just
think those things, and I’ll be a slightly less offensive person
for it.
John: I resolve to make fewer masterbation jokes on this site.
Or better masterbation jokes on this site. I haven't decided yet.
Check back in a couple of days to see how quickly that resolution
gets broken. Beyond that, I resolve to stop drinking, stop smoking,
stop doing drugs, and stop having promiscuous sex with random women.
Heh. Only kidding. If I did any of those things, I'd actually be
cool and not have a stupid website.
Rob: I resolve to take out the trash when it's full, to put away
my video games when I'm done playing with them, to clean the bathroom
when it's --hey, get off of there, stop typing! Sorry about that,
my fiancée just jumped onto the computer when I wasn't looking.
Anyway, I resolve to stop farting and burping as openly and as loudly
as I have been lately. It's just unbecoming. I resolve to stop threatening
to kill my loved ones (seriously, they write it down every time
I do, I could get in big trouble someday) I resolve to finally watch
that four hour version of the Fellowship of the Ring I got for Christmas
two years ago. And finally, I resolve to teach John how to spell
masturbation correctly.
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