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January 7, 2005WAVE OF SUPPORTRob: President Bush this week named his father and the guy who whooped his father’s ass to head the efforts to raise money for the victims of the Christmas tsunamis. It looks like kind of a weird choice to me. Isn't this Jimmy Carter's type of thing? Bill Clinton: Hey, when I heard I could get a free trip to Thailand, I signed up. Rob: Okay, now it makes sense. The ex-Presidents might want to act quickly in drumming up money, before the initial horror of the news fades and people go back to not caring about the third world. Seriously, they better move on it before the next big story about a child lost in the woods or a deer caught in frozen ice hits the papers. Jeff: So far The Media Machine has done a pretty good job of keeping America's attention with the tsunami. First was the attention-demanding daily rising death toll. And they still have one card to play in that hand if it hits 250,000. News anchors will be falling all over themsevles to tell us about "the quarter million dead." Then was the sprinkling of semi-survivor stories, the ones involving orphans being the most effective. Now we're in the "continuing horror" phase with stories of kidnappings, looting, and gang rapings, broken up with the feel-good dolphin saga. In the next few weeks, they'll have to start slowly releasing the existing footage of the actual tsunami. That's the tricky part since you don't want to overdo certain scenes and desensitize the viewers. And just when everything starts to fade from the American consciousness, we get hit with the celebrity fundraiser, which could take the form of a TV special, a song, or a fashion accessory (or both). Seeing that all written out makes you realize why it takes two ex-Presidents to keep things rolling. John: One more thing that especially sucks for Indonesia is that
the people of all the countries devastated by the tsunami can't
use it as a rallying point for any greater cause. They were attacked
by nature, if you're a scientist, or God, if you're religious. Even
if they could stand united, united against what? Man can beat nature
if you have the money and the technology, which these countries
don't. But man can't beat God. Best they can do is ignore Him, which
isn't really the style of most of the people of Indonesia. Rob: Adoption advocates, whatever they are, were angered when Fox aired a reality show entitled "Who's Your Daddy?" where a woman was asked to figure out which of six men is actually her father. Pedro Martinez: She should just tip her cap and call them her daddies. Rob: Actually, Pedro, she has to pick one. If she picks the right one, she gets $100,000. Pedro Martinez: It shouldn't be about the money, it should be about the respect. And she should get $50 million, not $100,000. Rob: Some people are calling this the low point of reality television. Those people have never seen The Swan. But enough people in North Carolina were offended by it that a Fox affiliate in that state refused to air the show. Actually, what really happened there was that they saw six guys and one daughter and got confused and thought it was some kind of gay adoption thing. Jeff: Apparently the adoption advocates' main problem with the series is that it trivializes a "very sensitive and personal situation." Well, the girl on the show was adopted and she's made the personal decision to cash in on her sensitive situation. Maybe she only feels comfortable meeting her genetic parents on TV. Who are these advocates to say that's the wrong way to deal with the situation? It might be a little different if Fox sent out a detective team to find her father independently and forced her to appear on the show, but I'm reasonably certain that's not how it happened. Rupert Murdoch: That's what we get for running these damn shows in the States. Those blood-sucking lawyers told me we couldn't do it that way. Next year, straight from China, we'll be showing "The Favorite Son" where parents who've gone over the procreation limits are forced to choose. John: I saw some clips of the end of this, when the girl picked her birth father. She said something like, "Thanks for looking for me," and he said, "I never stopped." Sure, he never stopped when FOX called him and said there'd be some TV cameras and a check waiting for him at the end. Then he got real motivated to find his daughter, and by find, I mean show up where FOX tells him to. Why anyone would give a shit about these two or any of this is beyond me. Apparently, judging from the ratings, most people didn't. Lrrr: But not by enough. AIDING AND ABETTING Rob: A man claiming he had AIDS held up a Brooks and a Dunkin Donuts in Lowell, Massachusetts this week by brandishing a syringe and threatening to infect the cashiers if they didn’t hand over their money. This guy probably doesn’t even actually have AIDS, but I suppose I can't blame the cashiers for being on the safe side. And who really wants to get stuck with a syringe, anyway? It gives me an idea though. I'm going to bust into the Christian Science Center bookstore with a syringe and demand all their money or else I'll inoculate them against polio. Jeff: I once saw a Systems Administrator job listed for the Christian Science Center. I'd imagine the health benefits there leave something to be desired. If I break my arm I'll be needing something a little better than "we'll pray for you." As for the robbery, I'd be inclined to give anyone holding a syringe anything they wanted. Even if you didn't believe he had AIDS, you have to be a special kind of crazy to threaten someone like that. Who knows what someone that crazy put in the syringe? Unless there's a whole lot of saline or clean type-O blood sitting around his apartment, it's something I don't want to be injected with. John: This news item reminds me of that superhero from the original comic book of The Tick, Hand Grenade Man. When confronting criminals, he'd pull out a hand grenade and threaten to pull the trigger and blow them all, including himself, to smithereens. His superpower was his ability to convince others that he really, really was going to detonate that hand grenade. Seriously, he's really gonna do it this time. Is Ben Edlund ever gonna finish The Tick? I've been waiting 14 years to find out what happened with the Evileers. IMPACTFUL Rob: NASA, still waiting on the approval to go ahead and put that man on Mars, is launching a probe to study the comet Tempel 1. The probe, named “Deep Impact,” will launch in January and meet up with the comet sometime in July. Meanwhile, a competing aerospace agency will be launching a probe to study asteroids. That probe, named “Armageddon,” should reach its target at about the same time, and is expected to garner more publicity and attention due to its more star-studded research team. Jeff: While NASA might lose out, the porn industry is understandably excited. Their version of Deep Impact will allow them to use the spacesuits which have been in a closet since Apollo 13". Scientifically, this seems to be one of those "because I can" things. It's fairly easy to study the composition of a comet without running something into it. We're nearly entirely certain what they're made of. On the other hand, running a flying robot into a comet is pretty fucking cool, so I think it's money well spent. John: Deep Impact and Armageddon were two contrasting studies of retarded. Deep Impact was about insipid characters settling their contrived little family issues in the wake of global extinction. Plus they couldn't even stop the asteroid and almost everyone died. Armageddon was even dumber and louder but they did stop the comet. Also, I liked how Bruce Willis heroically dying to save the world made Ben Affleck look like an ineffectual, crying little bitch. Since I'm pro: mankind surviving extinction and pro: making Ben Affleck look bad, I liked Armageddon better. Those are pretty much my politics in a nutshell. SO I GUESS THIS MEANS THE GLBTA CLUB IS OUT OF THE QUESTION? Rob: Parents in Costa Mesa, California are demanding the school officials at St. John the Baptist School expel two students because their parents are gay. The parents contend that since homosexuality is inconsistent with the Roman Catholic Church’s teachings, the students should not be allowed to attend. School officials have countered that divorce, birth control, and marriage outside the church are also inconsistent with the Roman Catholic Church’s teachings, so maybe you should shut up. I feel bad for the kids. Why should they be denied the opportunity to have a priest fondle their testicles just because their parents are gay? Helen Lovejoy: Won't someone please think of the children?! Jeff: Can we get an earthquake around Costa Mesa to give these people something worthwhile to worry about? Why has being gay become the biggest threat to America? There are still terrorists, the economy, a war, baseball's hot stove, health insurance costs, and the midseason television replacements to worry about. I just can't see how a couple dudes fucking jumps to the top of that list. John: The answer, besides a tsunami killing those people, is clearly for the discriminated to start their own school for the children of gay parents. I'm surprised no one has thought to write up the Gay Bible or something where Jesus says, "And two man shalt ass fuck and the Lord shalt not judge for thy Lord doesn't want to see it or know about it." It worked for the Mormons. Writing their own Bible, I mean, not men ass fucking. SNOW JOB Rob: Here in Boston, the first major snowfall of the season has put to the test Mayor Menino's year-old policy of not allowing city residents to use chair, barrels, and other assorted items to save shoveled out parking spaces. This policy was put into place last year after disturbances and violence erupted over saved spaces. While I don't condone vandalism, you do have to be a special kind of dickface to move a cone or a chair out of the way and park in someone else’s spot. However, when I used to live on a street where parking was scarce, if we got an inch of snow, people would put out chairs to save the spots they had 'shoveled,' and keep them there until the very last bit of snow had melted away. That's pretty lame too. Jeff: The problem is setting a line so people can't take advantage of the system. A little snow for one person might be a lot for another, it all depends on how big a pussy you are. Big Pussy: Somone talkin' to me? Jeff: No. And I'm sorry, but I have no idea who you are. Big Pussy: You ever watch The Sopranos? Jeff: I can't really say I have. Well, not without lying. Big Pussy: What kind of Italian are you? Jeff: A pretty bad one, sir. Big Pussy: You make me sick. Jeff: I know. Let's just move on. The other problem with leaving assorted furniture out on the street is that it looks like shit. Nobody wants anything nice left out in the snow to be destroyed or stolen, so they use any piece of garbage. Ghost of Gorilla Monsoon: That piece of garbage! John: Until the day comes when we can push a button and our cars
fold up into briefcases we take with us like George Jetson has,
parking during snow emergencies will always be a huge inconvenience.
I park on the street all year round, and in lieu of using a chair
or a garbage bin to hold your spot, I recommend you do what I do
and write your name in pee on the snow. You can even get creative
and get the kids involved, make it a family affair and write up
fun messages. You're limited only by your imagination and your ability
to produce urine. It's virtually a guarantee no one will take your
parking spot. |
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