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January 21, 2005FOUR MORE YEARSRob: President George W. Bush was sworn in at noon on January 20
for his second term in August amidst controversy over the amount
of money he plans to spend on his Inaugural festivities. Critics
charge that it's unseemly for the President to be spending $40 million
on a party while people are homeless and devastated in Asia and
while US troops are still deployed in the middle of a miserable
desert in Iraq. The complaints do have some merit. The President
of the United States is probably the most high profile person in
the world now that Michael Jordan is out of the public eye, and
it's kind of shitty to rub our ridiculous excess in everyone else's
face. I mean, really, what the hell kind of party do you buy for
$40 million? On the other hand, it's all private money, and is it
really that much? It barely gets you two years of Derek Jeter. I'm
sure the Golden Globes cost more to produce than that. And there's
always going to be something going on that people are going to bitch
about, so when is a good time to have your favorite oil companies
throw you a big ol' hootenanny? Donald Trump: Tell me about it. I've heard the complaints about how the guests at my wedding will sit on solid gold seats and how Melania will throw her 24 karat solid gold wedding bouquet at the reception. I just tune the critics out, or better yet, turn up the TV when season 3 of The Apprentice is airing. Jeff: If those people could have just tasted the champagne caviar at the reception, they'd be hard pressed to argue you could bring more happiness for the money with a couple of water filtration systems for a bunch of Sri Lankans they'll never meet. John: Trump should try a new reality show: The American. Think of it. 18 of the brightest Indonesian people who suffered from the tsunami get to live in Trump Tower for a 16 week INS interview. They perform challenges and each week someone gets deported. The winner gets to stay in the country and work as a janitor for a Trump corporation. Donald Trump: Let me try that out. "You're deported!" I like it. I think you're on to something there. You gonna say anything about the President's inauguration? John: Nah. WE NEED TO PRAY JUST TO MAKE IT TODAYRob: The Supreme Court denied a California man's petition to bar
President Bush from saying a prayer at the Inauguration. What a
jerk this guy is. I'm about as far from being all Jesus-y as you
can get, but I think this is ridiculous. It's not like he's making
us all drop what we're doing and say the prayer with him. I always
thought freedom of religion meant that we're free to have religion
if we so choose. I don't see where the President saying a prayer
is going to harm anyone. You wouldn't get mad at the Pope for reading
the Constitution, would you? John: Most of those world leaders also can't behind the whole "our armies can beat up your army" deal we've got going on. They're also not too fond of our whole "our being right is totally righter than your right." They don't like that at all. But I'll get behind the President on this point: Our God can totally beat up any other god. Ned Flanders: You're abso-diddly, posi-doodly, one hund-dum-diddly percent right on, neighborino! Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh please. I worship an entire superteam of twelve deities. Vishnu has many arms and Ganesh has infinite patience and wisdom. Ned Flanders: Why don't you just worship Hawkman? OVERCOMPENSATIONRob: I understand the need for increased security these days, but
what I don't understand is why that security often takes the form
of ninja-masked, assault weapon bearing commando units. Are M-16's
really necessary to take out terrorists? I suppose they'll come
in handy if a wave of screaming jihadi come swarming down Pennsylvania
Avenue, but if I recall, the last group of terrorists that hurt
us did it with box cutters. And why the face masks? Do we need to
protect the secret identities of the security so Dr. Octopus doesn't
take revenge on their family and friends? John: Dr. Octopus seems unsure of himself, no doubt suffering from
some after-effects of how he drowned in the East River at the end
of Spider-Man 2. I can do without heavily-armed anti-terrorist
commandos hanging around street corners. They're not even like ninjas,
who are totally inconspicuous when they surround a location with
a ninja hedge. But I think the whole point, besides a ready strike
force for the unlikely or inconceivable, is simply intimidation.
Terrorists are a cowardly and superstitious lot. LET ME GET SOME PORK FRIED RICE WITH MY DIRTY BOMBRob: Fear reigns supreme on the streets of the city of Boston after
reports that four Chinese nationals are on their way here to explode
a dirty bomb. Apparently, the FBI received an anonymous tip from
a man who said he helped them cross over the border from Mexico.
He reportedly told officials that they were on their way to Boston
to commit some unspecified acts of terror. Thanks for the tip, buddy,
but how about next time you just don't help them enter the country,
all right? John: This whole story didn't seem all that credible to begin with. Why would four Chinese Nationals want to attack Boston? And has anyone been keeping track of those 100 Chinese kids we went to high school with? I saw one of them working at the CVS Pharmacy in West Roxbury. That was kind of embarrassing, actually. He remembered me from high school and wanted to chat, and I totally drew a blank. I don't even remember his name now. If he'd pulled out a yearbook, I probably still wouldn't remember. Still, his story checks out, he's not a terrorist. IS THERE AN AFTER HOURS DROP-OFF BOX?Rob: If you live in the Boston area and watch The Simpsons
or Malcolm in the Middle on Channel 25 every night, then
you've no doubt seen the commercial for the Baby Safe Haven. The
Baby Safe Haven program lets new mothers drop their kids off at
hospitals if they don't want them, a significant improvement over
the previous program, Baby Dumpster Behind Burger King. That's cool
and all, but some ass clown decided that the best way to publicize
this program is to get a bunch of kids to sing this horrible rap
song explaining the concept behind the Baby Safe Haven. These poor
kids in the commercial look so embarrassed to be on television singing
this lame song. I'm thinking that if I'm a 15-year old kid, this
commercial would turn me off the Baby Safe Haven. I'd rather leave
my newborn in the women's room toilet in the high school gym than
do what that commercial tells me to. John: That Baby Safe Haven rap song is probably the worst example of some middle aged white guy trying to write rap since the Captain Planet theme song: We're the Planeteers John: Ugh. Biggie Smalls is rolling in his grave. TRAIN WRECK TVRob: Apparently American Idol is newsworthy, or so the Fox-25 news
would have me believe. I'm sure if I watch the NBC news on Thursday
night, I'll get complete coverage of The Apprentice. At what point
does entertainment news become simple advertisements? Anyway, it's
American Idol time again, and scores of jackasses around the country
are either being exploited or are intentionally humiliating themselves
for our amusement. This is, of course, the only part of the show
I like. Once they get to the part where everyone is actually good,
I lose interest, but I do like watching people's dreams get crushed.
The best part is that every contestant gets screened before they
actually get to the judges. So, the screeners hear a person sing,
realize they're bad, and if they're bad enough, send them on to
get ripped on by Simon Cowell. These screeners are probably all
going to Hell, but it's all worth it if we get to see a fat girl
who can't sing cry on television. John: I wonder if FOX 25 is going to do another Morning Idol competition?
Sara Colb didn't win last year's, nor did I speak to her when Jeff,
Lance and I saw her while we were eating breakfast in the South
End last summer. Seems like everyone blew it there. |
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