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February 13, 2005SAY NOPE TO POPERob: The Pope was released from the hospital after suffering from a bout with the flu. Yup, he's fine now. Except for the Parkinson's disease and the being 84-years old. Actually, 84 isn't even that old these days, but he's a pretty old 84. He's gotten to be the kind of old where you don't even look human anymore. But, he's Pope for as long as he and God want him to be, because no procedure exists for removing the Pope. The Queen Spider: The Pope cannot be fired! Rob: Actually, about five hundred years ago, the French kings did have a way of removing the Pope from power: they killed him and elected their own Pope. But that led to Schisms and Anti-Popes and whatnot, so it's not something the Vatican encourages. Now that I think of it, it would be a lot easier on Americans if we could elect our own Pope. Maybe we could get one that wouldn't be such a dick about birth control and divorce. Dammit, now I wish we had a good French king lying around somewhere. Jeff: I can't believe the Pope made it out of the hospital. There's another $100 I'll never get back from Vegas. The guy's been a frail old man on death's door for years now. He has to go soon, but he just keeps hanging on, getting older and sicker. I'm starting to think he's in the early phases of Monty Burns syndrome, where he has every sickness there is but they all stay in balance because they can't all kill him at once. John: Rob mentioned something that would pretty amazing: The Anti-Pope. Imagine that. A pontiff that stands for everything exactly the opposite of the Vatican. The Anti-Pope: Gay marriages for all who want one! Stem cells, come and get 'em! Want a divorce? I'll perform it myself, then go get yourself a gay marriage while you're at it. I'll perform that too. Did I mention I'm gay? Well, I am. John: Do we have to go to church? The Anti-Pope: No! I like to sleep in on Sundays. By sleep in, I mean all day, so don't bug me. The Sabbath is for me, the Anti-Pope! I have football to watch and young boys to ram. John: Well, now you're sounding like normal Catholic priests. The Anti-Pope: Did I say young boys? I meant young girls. John: I thought you said you were gay. The Anti-Pope: Go to Heaven. CEASE FIRE, VERSION A JILLIONRob: Israel and the Palestinian Authority announced a cease-fire this week. Those always go well. The terrorist group Hamas has already declared that they're not a party to the cease-fire, so Israel can expect fear and bloodshed on only a slightly reduced schedule. Hamas will likely soon be joined by Israeli hardliners who believe that their country should never negotiate with the Palestinian Authority, or really, any Muslims who happen to live on land they want. But it's good to give both sides a chance to catch their breath for long enough to rebuild all their outdoor cafes and transit buses in time for the next round of violent attacks and reprisals. Jeff: Whenever you think things are rough around here, take a look at this picture of a Palestinian demonstrator opposing the ceasefire this week.
Jeff: Even Klan rallies in Texas don't feature that kind of firepower. Have you ever seen anyone walking the American streets with a rocket launcher? I've never even seen a rocket launcher in person. The guy looks like he's trying to play real life Halo. I'm guessing he's not signing onto the ceasefire. John: He looks just like the kind of asshole who would just hang out on the cliff side of Beaver Creek and use that rocket launcher on you from afar rather than face you head on in a fair firefight. I bet even if you did go head to head with him, he'd hop around like a cowardly kangaroo so you can't get a steady bead on him. And then he'd brag about coming in second place when the 15 minutes are up. God, I hate terrorists. START SPREADING THE NUKESRob: So much for nuclear non-proliferation. North Korea has nuclear weapons, and is demanding to talk one-on-one with the US. John: Talk? About what? Kim Jong Il: Well, for starters, that puppet movie from those guys who do South Park was totally slanderous. And what was up with that ending? I'm not some alien insect! Rob: Iran is developing nuclear weapons, and has promised a "scorching hell" for any invading forces. George W. Bush: We reserve the right to invade Iran. Condaleeza Rice: But we're not going to. George W. Bush: We could though. Condaleeza Rice: But we won't. George W. Bush: Unless we feel like it. Condaleeza Rice: Which we don't right now. Rob: Gotcha. Also joining the ranks of world nuclear powers this week was the city of Chelsea, Massachusetts. A container of a radioactive element that was supposed to be shipped from Russia to Texas, somehow ended up in a storage facility in Chelsea, and has been sitting there since last October. While the public was probably never in danger, it still seems wise to keep a fairly close eye on stuff like that. John: That radioactive material should be kept under wraps. Unless you're a twelve year old son of a washed up prize fighter or a rat and four turtles, then they should be liberally doused with the stuff. It'll work out pretty well for them. Jeff: I'm one hundred percent certain that we won't be invading North Korea, but not nearly that sure about Iran. What's the difference? Iran probably doesn't have any working nuclear weapons while North Korea does. The lesson for any nation developing nuclear weapons: hurry the fuck up. We'll totally leave you alone if you can defend yourselves. Momar Khadafi: Or you could just give up and stop developing them altogether. Kim Jong Il: You fucking pussy. I SEE LONDON, I SEE FRANCERob: Heroic Virginia state senators killed a bill that would have imposed a fifty dollar fine for anyone wearing their pants low so that you can see their underwear. While I'm not a big fan of guys wearing their pants around their ankles, I would absolutely hate to see a law enacted that would prevent girls from wearing low-riders and showing their thongs. It's not what the Founding Fathers would've wanted. Jeff: Losing the thongs and low riders would definitely be throwing the baby out with the bath water. But if you read the stories closely, you see that visible underwear is the main sticking point. So girls, if you're wearing the low-riders you're going to have to go without underwear. Oh, and get rid of them when you're wearing mini-skirts, too. You wouldn't want to run afoul of the law. John: The Justice League thanks those heroic Virginia state senators. On behalf of Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, the Martian Manhunter, the Green Lantern, Aquaman, and the Flash, the JLA appreciates not having to be fined $50 per superhero infraction of visible underwear if they have to come to your state and save you all from the Shaggy Man or Starro the alien starfish conqueror. As you might suspect, the JLA don't carry money on their persons. Except Batman, who is very rich. Batman: Shut up. No one's supposed to know that. THE DOCTOR IS INRob: Howard Dean is the new chairman of the Democratic National Committee amid controversy among Democrats who think that Dean is too liberal and controversial for the position. Dean thinks that the party should adopt a more progressive, while moderates think that any sharp tack to the left will alienate voters in Middle America. I think it's possible that some people are overestimating the importance of the chair of the DNC. Terry McAuliffe, the previous chair of the DNC for the virtually all of you who didn't know that, didn't exactly leave an indelible mark on the party and the country. Jeff: A progressive Democratic party is a much better idea than their previous two, the anti-Bushes and Republican-lites. "We're not as bad as the other guy" and "we're kind of like him, but different" aren't great rallying cries. And once Middle America realizes that two dudes fucking isn't the biggest problem we have, they might be easier to talk to about all the important stuff. But whatever, Dean's one job as chair is to get donations, and he's pretty good at that. People love giving money to that screaming little fat man. John: Howard Dean has a pretty tough job ahead of him. The Democratic Party needs all the help it can get to regain the ground it's lost as middle America has grown more conservative in recent years. Howard Dean: I'll pretty much be living in red states in the South and West for quite a while. The way to get people not to be skeptical about you is to show up and say what you think. John: Sounds good. What do you think? Howard Dean: YEEEAAAAGGHHH!!!! AAAUUUGHHHH!!!
John: Use your indoor voice, Doctor. SOME DAY MY PRINCE WILL COME, AND THEN HE'LL MARRY ME THIRTY YEARS LATERRob: Prince Charles is finally stepping up to the plate and marrying his long, long, long time mistress/girlfriend Camilla Parker Bowles. In an opinion poll taken after the announcement, an overwhelming percentage of Londoners expressed disapproval of the Prince's marriage to a divorced woman, showing that English people give a fuck about weird things. This move will elevate Bowles from First Tawdry Tart, to Her Royal Highness Duchess of Cornwall. She doesn't get to be Princess of Wales, because Diana was already Princess of Wales. Seems to me that the people of Wales have been without a princess for some time, and would probably appreciate a new one, but I guess that wouldn't be fair to the people or Cornwall, who apparently need a Duchess. They just make this shit up, don't they? Jeff: Someone had to at some point. Those rules seem like something that wasn't thought through too thoroughly. Whether that's because nobody thought it would ever come up or that they didn't think anyone would care is up for debate. What I'm wondering is if the results of that poll would have been different if Camilla were young and hot. I know I'm not so hot on the idea of those two getting together, mainly because imagining them having sex is really, really gross. John: Charles has totally gotten screwed. His damn mother just
won't die. Not that anyone wants Charles to become King of England,
but Charles is no spring chicken and even if Elizabeth dies tomorrow,
Charles has lost most of his quality kingly years. Meanwhile, what
the British people do want, William becoming King, will be that
much further off. The good news is Harry has a pretty clear shot
of becoming Fuhrer if he wants the job, which he seemed to express
interest in a couple of months ago.
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