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February 28, 2005SO YOU WANT TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE?Jeff: A couple in Alaska recently had an argument about breaking up which somehow led to them having sex and his being handcuffed to the bed. That in turn led to her taking a steak knife, cutting off his penis, and flushing it down the toilet. John Wayne Bobbit: Down the toilet? That’s fucked up. Jeff: The authorities were able to recover the dismembered member from the sewer system and the doctors were able to reattach it. It’s completely ridiculous to claim that this guy was “lucky,” but when something goes down the toilet, I’ve always just assumed it’s never coming back. And being able to have it reattached at that point? Medical science is even more wonderful than I ever imagined. There’s a valuable lesson here to all the guys: never, ever allow yourself to be restrained during make-up sex. One of you might be less willing to make up than they were letting on. Rob: I'd almost not want it sewn back on once it gets into the toilet, but then again, it is his dick, you don't get another one. And really, piss passes through it, so is it being immersed in urine all that bad? I guess it's a lot like throwing it in an unhygenic girl's ass. Except with more bleeding. Unless you haven't used enough lube. Where am I going with this? John: To a good place. I was just watching some scenes from Basic Instinct the other day, you know which scenes, and I was thinking about how that stuff was shocking back then. Tying your lover up in bed and cutting his dick off was relatively knew in terms of mainstream public consumption over a decade ago. Nowadays, I read Jeff's lead in to this story and shrug. I mean, who hasn't had his dick cut off and reattached these days? That is so 1993.
NEEDED: A TICKET TO NEW ORLEANS, SOME BEADS, AND A SIGN LANGUAGE TRANSLATORJeff: Does anyone remember Koko, the gorilla that allegedly knows sign language? She’s back in the news in the center of a lawsuit among her handlers. The two women working closest with Koko claim their boss pressured them into exposing their breasts to the gorilla to satisfy her nipple fetish. Who exactly discovered this one? Why did they teach her that word in the first place? Why didn’t they just tell Koko that she couldn’t see the breasts? And why am I getting such an erection thinking about it? So many questions. Rob: Do you see what happens when we start teaching primates language skills? Charlton Heston: Damn dirty talking apes! Rob: If these women sue, does Koko have to testify? They'll have to have someone there to translate Koko's ASL for the stenographer. It should be illuminating testimony. Koko: "Good nipple Koko ball food." Rob: I couldn't have said it better myself. John: I never quite understood why we're teaching apes to communicate with us. For what? So we can learn the fine art of shit-slinging from them? Why does a monkey need English? The monkey will never master the English langauge, wear clothes, get a job, and contribute to society. We have humans out there right now who still haven't mastered English, gotten jobs, and don't contribute to society. You know who I mean. HOW WILL WE MANAGE?Jeff: Former Prime Minister of Lebanon, Rafik Hariri was assassinated in an enormous explosion while his motorcade rode through the streets of Beirut. The killing hits close to home for the Back of the Head staff. I attended Boston University while Rob and John are current and former employees, respectively. Hariri paid for perhaps the shiniest, most opulent building ever constructed on a university campus to serve as the School of Management. Everything’s made of gold and marble and it’s decorated with million dollar tapestries and sculptures. Donald Trump: That’s class. The only way you could improve it would be to put a giant “TRUMP” in gold letters across the top of it. Jeff: Wouldn’t a “HARIRI” make more sense? Donald Trump: You’re fired. Rob: That is a shame about Mr. Hariri. Now does he get buried in this fabulous masoleum he's constructed at BU? Why did he build BU a building anyway? Did he graduate from BU, did he have a kid attending classes, or was he just showing off? The School of Management building is pretty funny though. My office is in a century-old retrofitted brownstone. The radiator sputters, the paint is peeling off the ceiling, and we've had to issue keys to the mice and silverfish so they'd stop complaining. On the other hand, Zeus and Hera would be comfortable sending their children to the School of Management. The main staircase itself cost a million dollars. I think that a modest $500,000 staircase would've sufficed, with the other half of the million going towards scholarships for Management students who don't happen to be the children of Arabian royalty. John: I worked in the School of Management building. My, those were fine times. I had many a meeting in the magnificent Media Conference Room, which had state of the art projectors and a splendid view of the Charles River. I've been in the elevator with John Silber and felt his contempt at having to share a cramped space with someone like me. As a work environment, I couldn't have asked for anything better. It's a shame I'd never heard of Hariri before he got blown up in Lebanon. But the School of Management building will stand forever, as a testament to Hariri's vision and money. Or until some terrorist blows it up.
JUST SAY “NO, I HAVE NO REGRETS”Jeff: California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (FYI, ‘Schwarzenegger’ is in the Microsoft Word dictionary) was asked to weigh in on steroids and whether he wouldn’t have taken them if had known about the long term health risks. Arnold gave a diplomatic response, which can be roughly translated as, “Of course I still would have taken them! Are you fucking crazy?” It’s hard to blame the guy. If he didn’t do the steroids, he wouldn’t have been Mr. Universe, he wouldn’t have become an actor, wouldn’t have become rich, and wouldn’t be governor of the most populous state in the nation. Nah, using steroids definitely wasn’t worth it. I’m sure he’d be just as happy as Arnie the Austrian cobbler, proud for never having used those dangerous legal supplements. Jose Canseco: In the future, all politicians will be on steroids. It will make them more effective and entertaining. Rob: At least Arnold isn't as brazenly defiant about it as Barry Bonds. If Arnold's going to be wishing he did anything differently, I would think it would be End of Days. Besides, it's possible that Arnold has his eyes on the Presidency, if they're able to amend that pesky Constitution to allow him to run. Between George W. Bush's DWI's and Bill Clinton's pot smoking and McNugget habit, a history of substance abuse is becoming a pre-requisite for service in the Oval Office. John: The "only Americans born in this country can be President" law is unfair and stupid. First, that's the kind of entitlement that this country was founded against. It's no different from saying that this guy can be King of England because "God appointed his family as royal" centuries ago while you're a commoner so you can't be King. Arnold is an American citizen and in fact, he's even more American in the best sense than the vast majority of people born here in that he worked his ass off to become a successful multi-millionaire, a leader in every profession he chose, and now a public servant. Someone like that embodies the American Dream. The Land of Opportunity would now like to present Governor Schwarzenegger the glass ceiling. He can't go any higher. Stupid. I VOTE FOR TURD SANDWICHJeff: The 2008 Presidential election is still a long ways off, but there are already rumblings about the front runners for each party. The Democrats still haven’t gotten the idea of Hillary Clinton running out of their systems yet and now Mitt Romney’s Jesus-ing it up in an attempt to gain some support from the Republicans. Yowza. That choice is like the fat chick that makes the ugly Bush versus Gore and Kerry elections look pretty good in comparison. Where’s Ross Perot when you need him? Or Hollywood Hogan? Hollywood Hogan: I knew you’d come around on the flat tax, brother! Rob: Hillary's tacking pretty hard to the right these days preparing for 2008. She was on Meet the Press last week with John McCain, and she was sitting on his right. Coincidence? Yes. Especially since from their perspective, she was on his left. Still, she's staking out some conservative positions, which I think is kind of silly. She's never going to win the hardcore right, and bailing on traditional Democratics stances will cost her support from the lower-middle class. Basically, you're left with a Republican who's soft on foreign policy. But I think she could actually win if she were to go up against Jeb Bush, whose last name might hurt him more than help him. Or maybe we could just get away from the fucking Bushes and Clintons for once in the past twenty years. John: Hillary Clinton/Jeb Bush, Decision 2008. Wouldn't that be kick in the nuts?
THE ROCK SAYS...Jeff: Chris Rock ruffled some oversensitive feathers when he said only gays watch the Oscars. What? Mr. Blackwell is all man. The Oscar organizers were a little concerned as they’re paying him to host the show. Rock later amended his comments to say that no straight black man watches. He really didn’t need to do that. I know he doesn’t want to talk for us white folk, but I can assure him that those of us who like chicks have zero interest in the event. His larger point, which was mainly ignored by the media, was that an awards show for art is a ridiculous idea to begin with. He’s right. Do people really need to have their feelings about a movie affirmed by a plurality of the thousand who actually get to vote? There are no objective measures to make comparisons with, so it’s just a popularity contest among an insulated group. I honestly don’t understand the draw. Rob: All this carefully manufactured controversy sure has made me want to tune in for the Oscars. Oh, wait, no, because awards shows are ass-retarded. This is one of the times I'm glad I have a woman who'll watch shit like this. I kind of want to see Chris Rock, but I know I'd vomit in my mouth if I had to watch two presenters fumble over awkward dialogue thirty times in a row, so I'll just sit in the other room and have her tell me when Chris Rock is on. The Oscars aren't as stupid as the Grammies, which are pretty much worthless, but they're pretty bad. To be nominated, it's not really enough that a movie be good; it also has to be either "epic," verrrry moody, plodding and serious, or British. So a movie like Pirates of the Carribbean can't even get a mention. If a well-crafted, intelligent, highly enjoyable movie stands no chance of winning anything, I don't see how the Oscars have any credibility. John: Geez, where do I start with this one? First, Chris Rock is right, award shows for art are pretty stupid. You can argue merit all you want, but it really just comes down to a popularity contest. And since the Oscars are voted on by people within the industry, all you really get is a picture of what the industry thinks of itself and what it chooses to regard as its best output. It's not an accurate reflection of what most moviegoers thought or liked, so they throw bones out like voting The Incredibles best animated movie. Yeah, it was the best in that field, but it was also one of the best movies of the year, period. What was THE best? The truth is, there's no such thing. Million Dollar Baby was terrific in its own right, but I can name a dozen movies in 2004 of equal but different merit. Rock was also right about all of the asinine emphasis placed on fashion. Just this morning, Matt Lauer had to read off the teleprompter: "And now, what everyone else wants to know about besides who won - what were the stars wearing?" Jesus. Can you imagine Walter Cronkite barfing those words out? Walter Cronkite: Fuck you. John: Exactly. I don't care what anyone's wearing. Does Natalie Portman look hot? Does Kirsten Dunst look hot? Yes? Great. Are their breasts popping out? No? Oh well. What designer is Jamie Foxx wearing? I don't fucking care. I don't really care about the Oscars either. It would be different if I were in the industry, because then it would mean something to have your work recognized by your peers. Plus it opens the door for better roles, better scripts, better opportunities in most cases. Cuba Gooding Jr: That's a fucking lie. John: There is value to the Oscars. They can be a helpful guide
to the filmgoer. In most cases, the nominated movies and performances
are usually very good and are worth seeing if you like films. But
there's an unofficial difference between "films" and "movies."
If you just like movies, then you have your own ideas about what
movies are good and the Oscars are largely irrelevant. At the end
of the day, it's all about Hollywood types slapping themselves on
the back and helping themselves get richer while more and more shit
gets shoveled into mulitplexes. If you like that so much that you
want to go out and dress like them, then more power to you, Mr.
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