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March 7, 2005BABY GOT BACKRob: We have an early favorite for Most Fucked Up Child Abuse Story of the Year. This one probably beats last year’s winner, the lady who cut her baby’s arms off, by a pretty wide margin. In France this week, the trial of 66 people accused of participating in a child prostitution ring, both partaking and proffering services, began. And we’re not talking about 16 year-old hookers. I think there were some of those too, but we’re also talking about babies. Seriously, dude, babies. Shouldn’t the people who just wanted to nail teenage girls be tried separately from the people who did whatever it is you do sexually with an infant? I mean, neither of those offenses are good, but shit, a baby? That’s in a whole different league. Jules Winfield: Different league? That ain't even the same damn sport! Jeff: I don't think I could come up with a more fucked up scenario than the reality of this one. What exactly do you do sexually with a baby? And there are enough people who want to do whatever that is to create a market for it in France? It's naive to think something like this doesn't happen in America, but I think I'll be sticking my head in the sand and pretending it doesn't all the same. John: That's better than sticking your head in some baby's crotch. Jesus Christ, I didn't know about this story and now I wish I didn't. So are these babies being used for sexual acts as they are or were they just being raised in a child prostitution ring so they can grow up to be prostitutes? The former is horrible and sick, latter is marginally better. Either way... Take it, Lenny... Lenny: That's more than I wanted to know! I DID IT ALL FOR THE NOOKIERob: I didn’t follow the story too closely, so I’m not exactly sure how all this worked out, but the hacking of Paris Hilton’s cell phone somehow lead to intrepid computer nerds stealing a brief movie Fred Durst took on his camera phone of him fucking a girl from behind and receiving a blow job. Snoop Dogg: Shit, I’m glad they din’t hack my phone. They coulda seen me mixin’ my white and darks and overloadin’ the washin’ mizzle. Rob: What’s even more confusing to me is my own thought process before I myself saw the scene. I didn’t have to click on the link. What made me think, “Sure, I’d like to watch Fred Durst get head?” At least I don’t have to worry about anything like that. Not only am I not famous, but if anyone hacked into my phone, all they’d get are John and Jeff’s phone numbers and the incorrect time. Jeff: If I may nerd it up for a minute, the media completely misrepresented this entire story. Neither Paris Hilton's nor Fred Durst's cell phones were hacked into. Paris's T-Mobile Sidekick synchronizes its data to a web server. The "hacker" just guessed her username and password to get the phone numbers, technically making him a "cracker." I doubt anyone reading is interested in the difference between the two. Jeff "Comic Book Guy" Albertson: I am extremely interested! Jeff: A "cracker" works around security or copy protection measures, a "hacker" modifies existing programming or machinery. The story with Durst's video is that someone came to his place to fix his computer and stole a video clip he found on there. Maybe I should start doing stuff like that. I could start a computer repair business and try to find good blackmail material whenever I could. It would be called "Jeff's PC Repair & Blackmail." Actually, it might work better without that Blackmail part. John: This is off subject, but I always wanted to know how black people calling white people "cracker" came about. Is it because the white man used to crack the whip on the slaves or is it because they were as white as a saltine cracker? Anyway, I was out last Sunday when all of Paris Hilton's information got posted on the Internet and by the time I got caught up with the story, it was past the point where the phone numbers for her celebrity friends were working. Hundreds of crank phone calls were made to all those celebrities, from Lindsey Lohan to Vin Diesel to Christian Slater. I heard one guy even managed to keep a confused Slater on the line for 40 minutes with a crank phone call. He's either really clever or Slater is exceptionally dumb not to just hang up and turn his phone off. Probably a lot of both. I have to admit, if I had caught those numbers during the period when all the crank calls were being made, I would have been tempted to call a celebrity. I haven't been part of a crank phone call since high school when Tim Robishaw called Dan Rodriguez and pretended to be "Timothy Robert Shaw, Harvard Recruiter." My inner Bart Simpson was definitely intrigued. Unfortunately, Paris Hilton didn't have the phone number to Moe's Tavern.
JUDGE NOT, LEST YOUR FAMILY GET WHACKEDRob: An Illinois judge who ruled against a white supremacist group in a civil suit five years ago found her husband and mother murdered in the basement of her Chicago home. Authorities are investigating the man she ruled against, Matthew Hale, who denies any involvement in the killings. Matthew Hale: Why is everyone blaming me? I couldn’t have done it, I’m in jail. Rob: Yeah, for plotting her murder. Matthew Hale: Well, sure, but I wouldn’t have done anything to her husband and mother. That’s just wrong. Rob: I always thought this type of thing was something the Mafia would do. Also, I thought it only happened in movies. Shouldn’t we be applying some of our resources in the War Against Terror to this case? Attempting to coerce a judge through violent means seems like terrorism to me. I guess it doesn’t count when it’s Americans doing it. Jose Padilla: Yeah, I wish. Jeff: Here's a pretty good argument for the death penalty, or at least permanent solitary confinement. If you're in prison and still conspiring to kill people, your incarceration obviously isn't having the desired effect. Emeril Lagasse: You gotta kick it up a notch. Jeff: Exactly. Matthew Hale had a pretty good thing going in the state pen, but now he's ruined it. John: Oh, where is the Big Boss Man when you need him? Big Boss Man: I'm dead, punk! John: That's right, but now I wish you were still around so you could go into the prison and dish out some hard time to Matthew Hale. Handcuff him to a fence and beat him with a nightstick. Make him eat his own dog. Without the Big Boss Man, there's no justice left in the world. AROUND THE WORLD IN 67 HOURSRob: Bored millionaire Steve Fossett made history by becoming the first man to fly around the world non-stop, completing the task in a mere 67 hours. When I first heard about this a couple of days ago when he actually took off, I didn’t really think about it, but I assumed it would take him a while. I was surprised to find out that he had already finished. But what exactly constitutes “flying around the world” anyway? Do you have to travel the entire circumference? Or do you have to just get going and keep on in one direction until you’re back where you started? Because it seems like cheating if you don’t start in, like, Ecuador, or something. Otherwise, I could just go up to the North Pole and do a quick circle in a helicopter and say I’ve flown around the world, couldn’t I? Jeff: I was thinking the same thing. Then I thought about how stupid the whole trip is. What's the point of flying around the world without stopping? You're not actually going anywhere. It's like sitting in a little room with a piss bottle for three days, except you're wasting a whole lot of jet fuel. But when you're a billionaire, you're usually too crazy to think about things like that. Now there's a question, does becoming a billionaire make you crazy, or is being crazy a personality trait helps you make that much money in the first place? The Ghost of Howard Hughes: Little bit of A and a little bit of B. John: Billionaires have a long and storied history of pissing their money and resources away on crazy endeavors. When you think about it, who else is gonna do it? Joe Sixpack doesn't have the means or desire to build a superplane and fly around the world or build their own spaceship and go into space. I for one admire the crazy billionaires. They don't have to sit in a cubicle pretending to work while writing for their gay little website - they're out there wasting the money they earned for thrills and danger we can't even imagine. Let's leave the crazy billionaires alone and save our contempt for the people who really deserve it: the worthless children of crazy billionaires. Paris Hilton: That's hot. Wait, huh? THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THIS LIST DOWNRob: The Supreme Court is hearing cases involving suits to force government buildings to remove the Ten Commandments from their walls. Which is kind of funny, because there’s a painting of Moses receiving the Ten Commandments on the walls of the Supreme Court building. The Court is dividing up along the usual lines, with noted cafeteria Catholic Antonin Scalia taking the point defending the Ten Commandments. In my opinion, there’s only one thing to do, and that’s to replace all representations of the Ten Commandments with the Five Demandments. Hollywood Hulk Hogan: That’s right, brother. The Five Demandments are something every American can get behind. Train, say your prayers, eat your vitamins, believe in yourself, and believe in Hulk Hogan. That’s what we need more of in the schools. Jeff: The government can't endorse any specific religion. So kids, when you're following the First Demandment and saying your prayers, you don't have to pray to Hollywood Hulk Hogan, but you probably should. As for the display of the Commandments, I don't see any reason why they should be in a government building, especially a courthouse. If you're one of those Muslims who are lucky enough to be brought to trial for terrorism charges, how confident are you that you're going to get a fair trial with the Ten Commandments on the wall, the President talking about Jesus all the time, and the Bible being used to confirm you're telling the truth? John: The Five Demandments of Hulkamania aren't a bad answer to America's insistence on ending the separation of church and state. They promote physical fitness, prayer (but without specifying to which diety so it's not exclusionary), proper diet and nutrition, self-determination, and a healthy admiration for Hollywood Hogan. Seriously, you could do a lot worse than taking those five ideas to heart. Even a nasty, stinky towelhead can learn something from the Five Demandments. JUST SHOOT MERob: Euthanasia, it’s cool, everyone’s talking about it, everyone’s doing it! It’s actually been in the news a lot lately. Between Million Dollar Baby winning the Oscar, the Schiavo case in Florida, and my severe clinical depression, I can’t remember the last time I thought about anything else. The Schiavo case is pretty weird. She’s been in a coma for 15 years, and her husband wants to let her die, but her parents are trying to obtain a divorce on her behalf, claiming he’s doesn’t care about her and isn’t acting in her best interests. If he really didn’t care, wouldn’t he just let them worry about her? What would be his incentive to oppose the divorce? And then there’s Million Dollar Baby, which angered conservatives by portraying euthanasia in, well, any light. Rush Limbaugh was so pissy about it, he gave away the ending, which is a pretty dick move. By the way, in case you were wondering, he told his listeners that Clint Eastwood kills Hillary Swank in the end. John: Technically that's true. Limbaugh neglected to mention that Hillary Swank was set on dying because she didn't want to spend the rest of her life as a parapeligic with one leg amputated. She was actually trying to kill herself by biting her tongue and trying to drown from the blood. Eastwood didn't want her to die, but he knew she was going to find a way to kill herself somehow. He is a Catholic and he made the choice to kill her himself at her request and damn his own soul instead of letting her commit suicide and damning herself to hell. John Constantine: Bloody hell, mate, he coulda just tricked Satan into curing her and then flipped him the bird. Jeff: I've heard that in the places where euthanasia is legal and accepted, there's pressure on the crippled or terminally ill to do the deed. That kind of sucks. If I'm 90 years old and a burden on my family, the last thing I want is for every conversation to start with "You know you've had a long life, grampa..." Of course with my personality, I'd take that as a challenge to get even older and sicker. That would show those assholes. OUT OF THE CLUBRob: Turmoil in the world of hip-hop this week, as brotha turned against brotha in the 50 Cent camp. Outraged that his prodigy, the Game, wouldn’t support 50 Cent in any of the feuds against other rappers he makes up for no reason, 50 announced during a radio interview that the Game was hereby banished from the G-Unit, 50 Cent’s posse/entourage/coattail riders. I’m a little out of the hip-hop loop, but I’m assuming that this will only help the Game’s record sales. This was the first time I had heard of him, so obviously it’s not hurting his name recognition. But seriously, are these feuds good for the hip hop world? Haven’t we learned anything from Biggie and Tupac? Tupac: To tell you the truth, they do help your career out quite a bit. Rob: Wait, shouldn’t you be the Ghost of Tupac? Tupac: Yeah, right. I’ve put out three albums and a movie since I “died.” What are you smoking? Jeff: Tupac was shot right on the Vegas Strip and the cops still don't have any leads on who did it. How could that be? I know for a fact there were at least five Mexicans standing on whatever corner they were nearest to handing out ads for escorts. One of them had to have seen something between slapping those little cards together. More than that, I'm surprised there hasn't been a confession somewhere in someone's song. If you're going to shoot Tupac, you're an idiot if you don't manage to get an album deal out of it. John: There was also violence last week over this breakup. 50 Cent was giving a radio interview about The Game's eviction from G-Unit and The Game's brothers in arms went down to the radio station. They ran into 50's gentlemen and violence typically erupted with someone being shot. And in the end, what will happen? They'll all get richer, sell more CDs, buy more Escalades, install more Xboxes in their Escalades, drink more Cristal, get bigger cribs, and more shitty hip hop will permeate the airwaves. Everyone wins except those of us who don't give a shit but have to hear about it anyway. |
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