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March 21, 2005THE POWER OF PRAYERRob: Ashley Smith became the most famous piece of white trash in
America this week after she was held hostage for a night by Brian
Nichols, the man who shot and killed a judge, stenographer, and
a court deputy in a successful escape. Apparently, she convinced
Nichols to let her go after reading to him from an inspirational
spiritual book, "Chicken Soup for the Spree Killer's Soul,"
I believe. So, this guy manages to get a gun, shoot his way out
of the courthouse, steal a car and escape detection, and then surrenders
because Bertha Fay there tells him that God wants him to give himself
up? I guess by surrendering he increased his chances of surviving
for another couple of years before the state of Georgia fries him,
but man, he would've been a hell of a lot cooler in jail if he didn't
puss out in the end. Rob: I wonder if Ms. Smith will visit him for prayer meeting in prison. Probably not. She was real nice to him and all, but I imagine a little separation cools off that Stockholm Syndrome. And she'll probably be too busy. I imagine she'll have her own inspirational book coming out, and then she'll have to negotiate the movie rights. If she hasn't been on Oprah yet, I'm sure she will be soon. Actually, I'm kind of curious to hear this woman's story. First of all, as I understand it, she begged Nichols not to kill her because she has a daughter, but the daughter doesn't live with her. And her husband was stabbed to death four years ago. Maybe he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, but from what I've seen, a lot of victims of violent crimes do something to become victims of violent crimes. And then there's the fact that when Nichols grabbed her, it was 2 in the morning and she was going out for cigarettes. I think when all is said and done, we'll find that this woman's life story isn't nearly as uplifting as people think it might be. Jeff: And it looks like her physical peak was ten years ago, so she doesn't even have that going for her. But maybe the experience will make her re-evaluate her life and cause her to live every day to the fullest. Wild Turkey instead of moonshine. Supersize it every time. The biggest "Calvin pissing on a Ford" decal money can buy. And she'll finally enroll in those classes at Blaine. Ashley Smith's new life begins today. YOU GO, GIRLRob: Jada Pinkett Smith angered members of Harvard University's Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian, Transgender and Supporters Alliance this week when she gave a speech that the BGLTSA considered "extremely heteronormative" because she narrowly restricted her discussion of relationship to male/female relationships. I know, I know, this is an easy target. It's a fucking hanging curve if I ever saw one and it's almost unfair to even try to make fun of it. Where to start… I guess they don't like her husband's movies very much, those are pretty damn heteronormative. Well, except for "Six Degrees of Separation," I suppose. But most movies are heteronormative. Does every movie have to include a separate parallel love story as well? Jeff: I wouldn't put too much pressure on that family to be inclusive
of gays. The last time they tried something like that the Fresh
Prince of Bel Air got Carlton. Rob: Carlton wasn't gay. Remember when he got that girl pregnant? Carlton: Actually, that wasn't my baby. I was just letting her say that to cover up for the fact that I was a virgin. Rob: Oh yeah, I remember that now. How the hell was that supposed
to work out, anyway? Anyway, I haven't seen any of Smith's (Pinkett
Smith's? How am I supposed to say that?) response to the controversy
she's whipped up. Maybe she should roll with it and become a conservative
commentator. It would be like Alan Keyes and Ann Coulter had a baby.
She could be the black Condoleezza Rice. NUCLEAR WINTERRob: Another story that's just too funny to pass up is the effort of Senate Republicans to change procedural rules to stop the Democrats from filibustering President Bush's judicial nominees. Parliamentary maneuvering cracks me up. Actually, this is a great example of what I consider bullshit politics. If you want to change the rules so you can get what you want, that's fine. And I may even agree with you that this is right and fair. But don't pretend that you're just trying to do what's right. Would Republicans have ever agreed to this 12 years ago? Of course not. And would Democrats have protested that it's trampling the rights of the minority party if someone had suggested it at any point from 1992-1994? No. Any "issue" where the two parties' positions would be reversed if it would be more beneficial to them is a bullshit issue. Jeff: The Senate shouldn't be able to make decisions regarding
their own procedures. There needs to be something above them to
make the call. Peter Angelos: Oh yeah? Well, if any of those fuckers want to get
anywhere near Washington, they better pony up some more cash. Ghost of Kenesaw Mountain Landis: Get that Barak Obama out of there! Ghost of Ford Frick: Robert Taft passed his legislation in a shorter session! I want that noted! Bowie Kuhn: Senators should have to stay in their states forever! Peter Ueberroth: The Senate's problem is that it's not marketing itself correctly. Now, when I ran the 1984 Olympics… Ghost of Bart Giamatti: Tom DeLay is banned for life! Rob: See, look at all the ideas on the table. Jeff: It's good there's already a rule for tie votes in the Senate, because I don't think Bud Selig would be up to the challenge. TOP TEN RANSOM DEMANDSRob: A man who worked as a painter on Dave Letterman's Montana
ranch was arrested and charged with plotting to kidnap Letterman's
16 month old son. First of all, Letterman has a ranch in Montana?
Weird, I wouldn't have guessed that. I can't see him riding horses
and branding cattle. He's had a little bad luck in his life. There
was that crazy stalker lady years ago, and now this. What I don't
like is how he won't exploit his personal problems for humor's sake.
He barely mentions shit like this on his show. If I had a TV show,
you'd hear about every traumatic detail of my life. Like Howard
Stern making jokes about his wife's miscarriage. That's a level
of insensitivity I can really respect. BURN THIS BOOKRob: Prominent Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone- Albert Pujols: He's not that prominent, I don't think I know him. Wait, is he our Rule V draft? Dominican guy, plays shortstop? Rob: Ahem. Prominent Roman Catholic Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone has
denounced Dan Brown's bestselling novel The DaVinci Code as perverse,
manipulative, and sacrilegious. The timing works out great for Brown,
since The DaVinci Code has recently dipped all the way down to number
five on the New York Times Best Seller list. Denunciations usually
don't have the effect on book sales that the denouncers intend.
Why now, anyway? Did this guy have it on hold at the library and
just finally got to the front of the line? I really don't think
The DaVinci Code is having a serious negative affect on Catholicism.
If he doesn't like The DaVinci Code, he should read Pedophiles and
Priests by Philip Jenkins. Of course, that's non-fiction. Rob: Sort of like how I still think that getting a lap dance was worse than talking to another stripper for a half an hour at Lance's bachelor party. I still have a lot to say about this, but further discussion about this with my fiancée is ultimately only hurting myself more. Jeff: You should have told her how you felt bad for the one you talked to for half an hour when you immediately went for a lap dance from someone else when she left. She'd be happy to hear that it was only a psychological connection, not a physical one. NO SPUDS FOR YOURob: President Bush this week snubbed Sinn Fein leader Gerry Addams
this week by not inviting him to the White House St. Patrick's Day
breakfast for the first time in ten years. It was actually kind
of a bummer for him. He had to grab a bagel at Au Bon Pain instead
of eating one of those tasty White House omelets. Bush chose instead
to invite the McCartney sisters, a group of women who have been
outspoken in their criticism of the IRA after members killed their
brother after a bar fight. It really hurts your terrorist cause
when you use the strength of your organization to settle petty scores.
I don't think Osama bin Laden take al-Qaeda along to roll up on
some fool who scuffed his Adidas. Rob: The IRA needs to clean up their image a little. They were romantically viewed as quixotic freedom fighters for years and years, but then all of the sudden no one liked terrorism anymore. Stupid al-Qaeda, ruining it for everyone else. They're white and Christian, so it's not like people treat them like Hezbollah or anything, but it's still a lot harder for them to raise money in the US the way they used to. I've personally never understood how the Sinn Fein link works. They're the "political wing of the IRA." How do you just get away with that? If there was such a thing as the Blue State Militia that went around blowing up government offices and killing Republican politicians, would the Democrats be able to just say, "Hey, we may know all those guys and help them plan their attacks and evade the law, but we're just the political wing, don't blame us?" Jeff: We have the constitutional right to form a militia, but I think the government has the right to destroy our militias. I don't know how the representation works. But I do know 'militia' is a fun word to say. David Letterman: Militia.
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