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APRIL 20, 2005EPISODE IV: A NEW POPE
Rob: All the world is rejoicing at the naming of the new leader of the Catholic faith, the former Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, henceforth to be known as Pope Benedict XVI. Back of the Head has invited noted Revolutionary War general Benedict Arnold to talk a little bit about Pope Benedict’s papacy and the future of the Catholic Church. Thanks for coming, General Arnold.
Benedict Arnold: Thanks for having me, though I’m not sure why you invited me. I don’t really know much about Catholicism.
Rob: But you’re the only other famous Benedict ever.
Benedict Arnold: What about Popes Benedict I through XV?
Rob: I don’t know anything about them.
Benedict Arnold: What do you know about me? And don’t bring up the treason. All anyone ever thinks about is the treason. You know, I did a lot of other important things.
Rob: Oh, I know. You captured Fort Ticonderoga along with Ethan Allen’s Green Mountain Boys.
Benedict Arnold: Damn straight, I did.
Rob: And you invaded Montreal.
Benedict Arnold: Unfortunately, I couldn’t hold it.
Rob: And on April 9, 1779, you married Peggy Shippen, by whom you would have four sons and a daughter.
Benedict Arnold: Ah, my dear Peggy- hey, wait a minute, are you reading the encyclopedia?
Rob: Wikipedia, actually. Sorry. All I knew about was the treason.
Benedict Arnold: *sigh* That’s all right.
Rob: What was that all about anyway? You sure picked the wrong horse there, huh?
Benedict Arnold: Look, it wasn’t so clear back then. The British were looking pretty strong. I would’ve been sitting pretty if they had won.
Rob: So you must have been pretty well respected back in England, huh?
Benedict Arnold: Actually, they held me as beneath their contempt. Can we just talk about the Pope?
Rob: Okay. So, are you excited about having a new Pope named after you?
Benedict Arnold: I don’t think it’s me he’s named after. And to tell you the truth, I’m not particularly excited. First of all, I’m not Catholic, and second, the less people think about me the better.
Rob: What with the treason and all?
Benedict Arnold: Yes, with the treason and all.
Rob: Sorry about that. So, do you think this is the right direction for the Catholic Church, naming a conservative hard-liner to succeed John Paul II?
Benedict Arnold: Sure, for the time being anyway. The guy’s 78, I don’t see him leading the church for too much longer. Though you guys do live a longer than we ever did. What ever happened to man’s three score and ten?
Rob: There have been a lot of medical breakthroughs in the last century. Which leads me to my next question. Pope Benedict has been an opponent of stem cell research, and has taken positions on many other social issues that align him with the political right here in America. With conservative Catholics voting trends increasingly resembling those of evangelical Protestants, what impact do you see this direction of the Church having on American public policy?
Benedict Arnold: It couldn’t be much. How many Catholics meet the property qualifications to vote?
Rob: Actually, there aren’t any property requirements to vote anymore.
Benedict Arnold: Shit, I think I knew that. It’s hard to keep up with politics here.
Rob: Where are you, anyway?
Benedict Arnold: Um, the deepest circle of Hell.
Rob: Oh right, the one reserved for traitors.
Benedict Arnold: Do you really need to keep bringing that up?
Rob: So, who else is there?
Benedict Arnold: A few people. Judas, of course.
Rob: Oh, you don’t belong in the same place as Judas. That’s just not right.
Benedict Arnold: Thank you.
Rob: I mean, he only sold out one guy, not an entire country. And he felt bad enough about it later to hang himself instead of running off to London to enjoy his thirty pieces of silver.
Benedict Arnold: You’re really not making me feel better.
Rob: I’m just sayin’.
Benedict Arnold: Then there’s Juliet and Ethel Rosenburg.
Rob: They’re probably worse than you. They sold the Russians the H-Bomb.
Benedict Arnold: Thank you.
Rob: Of course, in Connecticut, your home colony, they never burned ships, warehouses, and much of the town of New London, a major port for patriot privateers.
Benedict Arnold: Seriously, put the encyclopedia away, or I’m leaving.
Rob: All right, all right. Moving on. With so many Catholics coming from the Third World, many thought that this would be an opportunity for the Church to name a Hispanic or African Pope. Instead, the College of Cardinals named yet another European, this time a German. What do you think of that?
Benedict Arnold: In my day, we didn’t even let Negroes in our churches. And of course, there really weren’t many Hispanics back then. It might have been interesting. I don’t know about German Popes though. Germans are creepy. Have you ever stared down a Hessian mercenary rushing at you with a bayonet?
Rob: No.
Benedict Arnold: Well, it’s no fun. And this guy looks about as creepy as they come.
Rob: He was actually a member of the Hitler Youth and the Nazi Army at one point.
Benedict Arnold: But to be fair to him, he left both of them as soon as he could.
Rob: You might say he turned on them at the first chance. You might even say he betrayed them.
Benedict Arnold: Sure, if you were a jerk.
Rob: Well, I know you have to get going back to your screaming torment, so we’ll wrap this up. One final question, was the original Pope Benedict the one who invented Eggs Benedict, or was that you?
Benedict Arnold: I don’t know who invented Eggs Benedict, but it wasn’t me.
Rob: Do you like Eggs Benedict?
Benedict Arnold: I’ve never had it. We didn’t have
as many breakfast options in my time as you do know. Yours truly
is a world of wonder. |
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