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May 22, 2005THE POWER OF THE PENRob: Newsweek retracted a story this week that US interrogators had desecrated the Koran while questioning detainees in Guantanimo Bay. The story had set of riots in Afghanistan that resulted in the deaths of over a dozen people. Now, of course Newsweek should have gotten the story right, but I think most of the blame has to go on the rioters here. Maybe I’m not understanding how holy their holy book is, but I don’t see 16 people dying in riots in Alabama if they heard that a Bible was flushed down a toilet. And how the hell did they flush a Koran down a toilet anyway? If I use too much Charmin my toilet backs up, never mind trying to get a whole book down there. In any event, I think it’s fair to say these people overreacted a little bit.
Jeff: Is the actual book really that holy? I get the symbolism and all, but what if you made a photocopy of the entire thing? Would the stack of copy paper all of a sudden be holy? What about a PDF of the Koran? Would they be pissed if I formatted the hard drive it was stored on? I think we need to get a bunch of Afghans together and test their reactions. RAY OF LIGHTRob: Everybody Loves Raymond finally went off the air after nine seasons. I had no idea it had been on so long until last year when it was announced that this was going to be its final season. It’s amazing how long a crappy sitcom can get by just by being less crappy than every other show. I’ve only seen a couple of episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond in my life, and I never particularly enjoyed it, but after catching a few episodes of Stacked and What I Like About You, Everybody Loves Raymond seems like Shakespeare. Sitcoms are, for the most part, absolute fucking garbage. I’m suspicious of any art form that has to specifically prompt you when you’re supposed to laugh.
Jeff: I can't watch anything with a laugh track. It takes about thirty seconds for it to get to "fingernails on the chalkboard" level for me. That's what's great about Malcolm in the Middle and Arrested Development - they're confident enough in their own material to go without the canned response. But you know what's even worse than a laugh track on a sitcom? A laugh track on a commercial. Those Truth commercials with the ad-executive roundtable are fucking awful. I don't know if they're supposed to be completely unfunny and incredibly annoying, or how that stops the kids from smoking, but I have to either change the channel or distract myself whenever they're on. EVOLUTIONARY WARRob: The Kansas State Board of Education is considering a proposal that students be taught “Intelligent Design,” a theory that states that God is guiding the hand of evolution, or something like that. Actually, there’s nothing wrong with thinking that God has designed everything or that He guides everything along the way. It just doesn’t belong in a science class. And the only reason they’re trying to get it in here is because evolution is a hot button issue. These people don’t actually care about Intelligent Design; ultimately, they want to get Adam and Even and the Garden of Eden taught in the schools. Unfortunately, the reasoned debate over evolution versus creationism has been marred by condescension on the part of those who don’t believe that faith has a place in scientific inquiry. Fortunately, Back of the Head is not involved in any kind of reasoned debate anyway, so I’m cool calling these people a bunch of ignorant hillbillies.
Jeff: I'd second that. When your main argument for something is, "You can't prove the counter to it, so you have to present this side as well, regardless of our lack of evidence," it's tough to take you seriously. I can't prove conclusively that the moon is a solid rock, but that doesn't mean we should tell the kids it's filled with candy. Or maybe we should, those dumb little fuckers in Kansas don't have a future anyway. CHURCH AND STATERob: To continue on with our religious theme, a minister of a Baptist church in Waynesville, NC is under fire for reportedly expelling nine members of his congregation who voted for John Kerry. That’s kind of a dick move. What are all the Kerry supporters supposed to do, go worship Satan? I don’t think God really wants separate Democrat churches and Republican churches.
Jerry Falwell: Of course not. Why would He want any Democrat churches?
Rob: Preachers really should stay out of politics. Leave that to all the qualified people on Fox News. They’ll talk politics, and then the preachers can devote all their time to spreading Jesus’s message of loving thy neighbor, turning the other cheek, and hating fags.
Jeff: Aren't there laws against threatening someone in order to get them to vote in the way you'd like? You're undermining the foundation of democracy. I guess this happened after the election so it's not quite the same thing. But what would they have to do to get back into the congregation? Present legislation to congress to eliminate the presidential term limits and vote for Bush again the next time? REVENGE OF THE NERDSRob: About 200 angry nerds have insistently lined up at Grauman’s Chinese theater in Los Angeles awaiting the opening of Star Wars Episode III, despite the fact that it is not, in fact, playing there. They know this, but they’re sticking around out of protest, or something, I’m not exactly sure what. They think that the movie should play there, because that’s where the original movies opened. Apparently, however, there have been other, newer, movie theaters constructed since 1977, and the new Star Wars movie will be playing at one of them. George Lucas has offered to send a battalion of Storm Troopers to escort them to where the movie actually is playing, which is more than I think they deserve. What if I wanted to line up outside the Mobil station down the street from my house and insisted that they play Episode III? How far would I get?
Jeff: I don't know how far you'd get, but I do know it would be a bad idea to follow any Storm Troopers you happen to see there. I saw two nerds outside the Fenway movie theater last night, dressed in full Jedi robes, each holding what looked like really expensive light sabers. I almost vomited in disgust. But those nerds didn't have any problem seeing the movie at a theater that wasn't around for the originals. What the fuck is wrong with the ones from L.A.? Next they'll want George Lucas to release the first three movies as they were shown originally. THAT’S SO GAYRob: Gay marriage is officially one year old in the state of Massachusetts, and we’re seemingly no worse for wear. Maybe it’ll take a little bit longer for the traditional family to become obsolete, for people to start marrying their dogs, and for Western Civilization to crumble, but for now things seem fine. I’m actually getting married myself in a couple of weeks, and when I went to get my marriage license, they seemed totally cool with me marrying a girl. I have yet to hear a single reasonable argument as to how it hurts anyone else if two guys want to get married. It really doesn’t affect anyone else in any way. And yet, a good number of states (if I wasn’t so lazy, I’d research it and find out exactly how many), have officially outlawed gay marriage. America sure has a love/hate relationship with its gays. They’re great for entertainment on television, flouncing around all flamboyantly and hilariously, but middle America sure doesn’t like the idea of Adam and Steve settling down and adopting a few kids.
Jeff: Middle America doesn't like the TV gays too much, either.
Those "family television" groups immediately categorize
any show as "not for children" if it depicts homosexuality
in a positive manner. I guess they're okay with showing the kids
Cletus & Merle's Fag Bashin' Hour.
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