Back of the Head

June 17, 2005

JUST BEAT IT

Rob: Michael Jackson was found not guilty of child molestation this week. In celebration, his supporters released doves into the air, one for each not guilty verdict. These are some interesting people, these "supporters." They've been hanging out by the courthouse with their doves for months. Don't these people have jobs?

Lee Elia: Sure as shit, if the jury found him guilty, the fuckers would've torn him a new asshole. Michael Jackson fans, my fucking ass.

Rob: I really can't get too worked up about Michael Jackson walking free. Sure, he's a pedophile, no doubt about it. But he's not a menace to society. It's not like he jumps out of the bushes as little Timmy goes strolling by Neverland Ranch. There are ways to keep your child safe from Michael Jackson. For instance, not using your son in an attempt to set up Michael Jackson so you can extort money from him. That's a good place to start.

Jeff: I hear Michael's getting together with O.J. to find the real child molester. I think it was some Puerto Rican guy.

Linda Stotch: Makes sense to me.

Jeff: I just don't understand the Michael Jackson supporters. How can they possibly be so convinced that he didn't molest that kid? First of all, he molested the kid. And second, the Neverland Ranch is the billionaire freak's equivalent of luring kids into a van with candy (which surprisingly didn't work on Rob as a kid). Sure, we'd all love to have an amusement park of our own, but who would we allow in there if we did?

Eric Cartman: Nobody. Those assholes can suck my balls.

Jeff: Right, but for the rest of us it would be our friends and hot girls. The only ones who'd want to be surrounded by kids are other kids and pedophiles. You can make an argument for either with Michael Jackson, but I'm thinking it's more of the latter.

John: Do think Michael Jackson is looking at the man in the mirror? Is he asking him to change his ways? Could no message have been any clearer? Probably not, but how often does Michael look in the mirror, anyway? When he looks at his disgusting deformed face, does he see something else, like how when Homer Simpson's drunk, he sees a ripped, jacked version of himself? Can I actually make every sentence in this paragraph end in a question mark? Why not?

ARUBA, JAMAICA, OOH I WANNA TAKE YA

Rob: While I was having a wonderful time in Cancun, sitting by the pool and getting a tan, Natalee Holloway was getting raped and murdered in Aruba. Okay, the rape and murder part is just speculation, but she's been missing for two weeks, and she disappeared on an island, so I don't think she's going to show up in New Mexico with a crazy fake kidnapping story. That's gotta be a bitch for the Aruban tourism industry. This story plays every day on every American news outlet, it's going to be a long time before Aruba shakes this stigma. On the plus side, it should mean cheaper hotel rates in the near future for anyone looking for a bargain vacation. Still, I feel bad for all the people who depend on tourist dollars. Oh, and the dead girl and her family too, I'm sure they're all pretty bummed out as well.

Jeff: There's nothing that pisses me off more than when a hot, young girl is raped and murdered. The raping is bad enough, but if they stop there, they'll probably only go to jail for a few years. But these guys freak out about not wanting to be caught and end up killing the girl. The thing is, they always get caught anyway. Always. So instead of a few years, they get life in prison or executed, and the world is robbed of a hot girl. Not only that, but they've made every one of her friends (who are almost definitely as hot as her) terrified of new people for their entire lives, effectively robbing us all of them, too. And it's all because those assholes won't take responsibility for raping someone.

Mike Tyson: I wish I could rape them myself. And their mothers.

John: I followed this investigation into Natalee Holloway's disappearance though TV newscasts and blurbs on the Metro, which made me more confused the more I heard about it. I'm not saying the "reporting" on local TV news is absolutely shitty, but man, the reporting on TV news is absolutely shitty. The Metro, of course, is a piece of garbage. But even besides that, when I cross checked various print, Internet and broadcast reports on this story, it seems like the investigation in Aruba was as incredibly half assed as the reporting on it. I'm not Batman or anything but hard can this be? On a vacation island like Aruba, where most of the people are tourists, there are paper trails for just about everyone. Aruba is a small island, there are only so many potential suspects, and they have a number of them in custody.

Jack Bauer: Where's the girl?! WHERE IS SHE?! WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!

John: Easy, Jack. But he has a point. What exactly is the problem here? The Aruban authorities had the suspects in custody and after interrogation, what did we learn? "Something bad happened" to Natalee Holloway. No shit? Really? Care to clarify? Can we get some more information any time soon?

HATE IS A FOUR LETTER WORD

Rob: Amnesty International recently issued a report outlining concerns about abuses of prisoners in America's war on terror and likening the detainee center in Guantanimo Bay in Cuba to a "gulag." In response, President George W Bush said that the report was issued by "people who hate America." Well then, I guess that settles that, no need to read the report. That type of response really makes me wonder if this administration says simple-minded things just to appeal to simple-minded people, or if they really are simple-minded themselves.

Grandpa Simpson: A little from column A, a little from column B.

Rob: And I'm not making a "Bush is dumb, look at his hilarious malapropisms" joke. I'm just saying that replying to every criticism with, "You hate America," doesn't say to me that you've got a good grasp on the complexities involved in running a nation. Also, it's annoying. What if every time you said that you didn't want onions or peppers as a topping, your friends said, "You just hate pizza?" It gets old.

Jeff: What if every time we went out to dinner, Rob had to get the biggest, most fattening dessert on the menu and finish the whole thing himself? It never gets old. I wish I could participate in that kind of gluttony, but my stomach and brain just won't allow me to. Maybe we can bring "The Black Widow" Sonya Thomas along sometime and get a real competition going. Oh, the Bush thing? Yeah, the "You hate America" excuse is getting pretty annoying. And I'd imagine it's making people who wouldn't normally hate America start hating America. It's one of those self-fulfilling inanities.

John: The word 'gulag' gets a bad rap. In Kingdom Come, when Superman and the Justice League built an enormous prison to hold all of the world's most dangerous superbeings, they called it a 'gulag.' There's no one more American than Superman, and if he likes the word 'gulag' then it's good enough for me.

HOT STUFF, COMING THROUGH

Rob: It's been hot this week. Not just hot, but that special kind of New England muggy, sticky, disgusting hot. The air conditioning was broken on the T this morning, and I was standing there, reading my book, I looked down and noticed that my shoe was all wet. I looked at my arm and realized that sweat was dripping off of me and soaking my shoe. That's too hot. I have a pool in my apartment complex, but after a quick look at the charming little rugrats splashing around and screaming "Motherfucker" to each other at the top of their lungs, I decided I preferred the air conditioning. It's supposed to cool down a bit, but the scary thing is that it's only June. This could be a pretty long summer.

Jeff: And this morning it was fucking freezing and I didn't bring a jacket. Complaining about the weather is one of the lamest things you can do, but when it goes from 95 and humid to 55 and rainy in twelve hours, someone's got some splainin' to do.

Lucille Ball: How'd you know I got the "weather god" job when I died?

Jeff: Lucky guess. The worst part of the heat was having to choose between cooking in my living room and watching baseball in high definition or being comfortable in the AC of my bedroom and watching on a standard definition 27" tube TV like a barbarian. Who says Americans don't have problems?

John: Talking about the weather. Slow news month, huh?

LAST RIDE

Rob: A four year old boy died on the Mission: Space ride at Epcot Center this week. Mission: Space simulates a trip to Mars, and entails g-forces more than twice that of the gravity of Earth. Six other people have been treated for maladies such as nausea or chest pain on the Mission: Space ride. Am I stupid because all of this just makes me want to go on this ride even more? It's kind of like how I thought the Mind Eraser at Six Flags New England was even cooler after I heard about how some people's brains get bruised inside their skulls while riding it. I would almost definitely lose it on the Mission: Space ride.

Lance Jr: Losing it! Losing it!

Rob: But it seems like it would totally be worth it.

Jeff: I was thinking the exact same thing. It's awesome that they opened it right up again the next day. It's like a child's not surviving is considered par for the course with the ride. I have to experience that. I'll even bring someone to give mouth to mouth to the affected children.

Michael Jackson: Mission: Accomplished!

John: It could be worse. That four year old boy could have died riding Space Mountain.

Ric Flair: Wooooo! No way! There's women lined up for blocks waiting to ride Space Mountain ALL NIGHT LONG! By God! Wooooooo!

John: Space Mountain is the oldest ride at the park, but it has the longest line. For 25 years I thought Ric Flair claiming that sounded really cool, but now that I think about it, it's kind of creepy.

Hugh Hefner: I don't see what's so creepy about it.

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