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August 27, 2005MEAN OL’ NASTY ASSASSINRob: Pat Robertson has apologized for calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. That’s probably a good idea. I mean, if we were in Iran, then it’s totally cool for religious leaders to place death sentences on world leaders, but it’s frowned on in America. It also seems a little out of keeping with a man of the cloth, even once as dubious as Pat Robertson. It’s one thing to say that 9/11 was God’s punishment on America for our cultural depravity, at least then he was letting God and His instruments, a dozen Muslim terrorists, do the job. But advocating sending Splinter Cell into Caracas? I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem like the Lord’s work. Jeff: That's what happens when you get Tom Clancy to write the newest book of the Bible. Jesus now turns water into oil and sugar into cocaine. I don't see why it's cool to start a war and blow up a country, but not assassinate a leader. I'm sure the Iraqis would have preferred someone slip Saddam a poisoned Dorito instead of turning Tikrit into a pile of rubble, but that's probably a whole lot harder to pull off than the movies would lead you to believe it is. Rob: You may be right, but I don't think anyone would be too pleased if Robertson called for a full out invasion of Venezuela either. More to the point, it's seems unbefitting a reverend or minister or whatever the hell he is to be calling for specific acts of violence. I think people are taking Pat Robertson a little too seriously, but then, you're taking him too seriously if you listen to anything he says. Jeff: I'd rather see us invade Venezuela than anywhere in the middle east. If we could take over and make it an American colony, we'd take out one of the biggest threats to the United States in next year's Baseball World Cup. I don't even want to think about our boys standing on the mound against Bobby Abreu or in the box against Johan Santana. CIVIL WAR RE-ENACTMENTRob: While doing community service mandated after his arrest for breaking and entering an apartment, a Salsibury, Massachusetts teenager apparently decided that tombs were more his thing and broke into a Civil War veteran’s final resting place. He kicked down the marble door to the tomb, opened the casket, dismantled the skeleton, and posed for pictures with the skull. That’s kind of gross, if you ask me. I’ve never been inside of a tomb, but I bet they don’t smell good. But I don’t suppose I’m really going to be able to wrap my head around this guy’s motivations. Anyway, tip to the judge who sentences this guy for this latest transgression: If you’re going to give him community service, try to make sure you don’t send him to an animal shelter or a nursing home. Jeff: I don't know how much a tomb would smell 140 years later, but I'm not itching to find out. This is one of those stories I hear and say to myself, "That's something I never would have thought to do, and I'm thrilled that's the case." There are some pretty fucked up things that go through everyone's head, but the limits of those thoughts, even before you consider your ability to control them, tell almost everything you need to know about a person. I'm going to go out on a limb with this one and assume the kid involved is fucked in the head and community service isn't going to fix what's wrong. Rob: No, probably not. I guess you could say that he didn't technically hurt anyone, but it's really not a good sign. I doubt this kid is going to end up becoming any more a productive member of society. It's a shame you can't lock people away who are very clearly going to do something bad at some point in their lives. But you got that due process and Constitutional rights and all that. Still, I'd like to follow this kid's life and see what kind of trouble he eventually gets into. His disregard for the law, lack of concern for societal taboos, and flair for the dramatic and macabre should lead him to some pretty interesting situations. The Ghost of Jeffrey Dahmer: Me too. You have to like that kind of potential. THE TRUTH HURTSRob: A New Hampshire woman is filing a complaint against her doctor for calling her fat and telling her she needed to lose weight. I understand her completely. My doctors keep telling me I have psoriasis. That’s bullshit, I don’t want to have psoriasis. I’m going to write someone a letter. Seriously though, wouldn’t the doctor be derelict in his duties if he didn’t tell her she was fat? I’m guessing he probably wasn’t that nice about it, but why bother being nice? There’s no kind way to tell someone their fat, so you might as get your digs in. What he should’ve done was invite the woman’s children into the examination room. Doctor: Yo mama’s so fat her picture takes two frames! Jeff: Oh snap! Doctor: Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, it takes two trips! Jeff: Damn! Rob: The doctor could actually be facing sanctions as extreme as the revocation of his license to practice, but he probably shouldn’t be too worried. Who really takes fat people seriously? Jeff: I have a little rule of thumb I go by when picking sides in an argument: I don't care what it's about or how it started, the fat person is always wrong. I read a couple versions of the story to try and see what the guy said, but the best I could find was, "If you don't lose weight, it's going to kill you." That's true. Fat people almost always die of a fat-related illness. Why do you have to sugar coat it? Well, I know why a fat person would want you to sugar coat everything, but shouldn't a doctor be as clear as possible in explaining a medical situation? Rob: Of course he should. What if he didn't tell an anorexic that she needed to eat because he didn't want to make her feel bad about being skinny? Anorexic Girl: Why would I feel bad about being skinny? I look beautiful! Rob: Yeah, okay, you're a problem for another time. Anyway, to shield themselves against these kinds of complaints, doctors should hire someone who's full time job it is to just rip on their fat patients and let them know that they're going to die if they don't lose weight. I think either one of us would be good for the job. Lance Jr: I could give you a reference. Rob: Besides, I seriously have about fifty more of those "Yo Mama" jokes that I would just love to use sometime. Jeff: Of course you do, since you've heard them all. I mean, yo mama's so fat she wears a tube top that says "Goodyear" on the side! Rob: Oh no you didn't! Jeff: I did.
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