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August 31, 2005HEADLINES: NEW ORLEANS GOT F’D IN THE A EDITION
BAD HOODOORob: New Orleans got hit hard by Hurricane Katrina early this week. The good news is that the hurricane hit on a Monday, so no one had to go to work. The bad news is that everyone’s homes have been destroyed, which made it difficult for anyone to enjoy their day off. Luckily for the tourism industry, the French Quarter, otherwise known as the only place in New Orleans worth seeing, actually weathered the storm fairly well, as the French Quarter is located on some of the highest ground in New Orleans. Of course, you’ll have to rent a boat to get there, since about 80% of New Orleans is currently underwater. This is why most people don’t decide to build their cities in hurricane zones below sea level.
Jeff: Not only is it below sea level, but there are levees around town that make a giant bowl which traps the water inside, allowing it can rise even higher than sea level. The land is also really swampy, so everything from gas tanks to coffins are above ground and likely to float away during a flood. Oh, and the fire ants are rough, too. Apparently they can walk on water, Jesus-style. It's no wonder everyone there drinks themselves stupid every day. How else would you get through the day?
Rob: Whose idea was it to build a city there anyway? Sure, for the most part it's worked out okay, but this was bound to happen eventually. I'll never understand why people choose to live in the places they do. You know what's always puzzled me? Eskimos. Why did they just stop there instead of heading south to Mexico with everyone else? Afraid of hurricanes, I guess.
Jeff: I don't get that one, either. If you're so surrounded by snow that the only thing you can build a shelter out of is more snow, you might want to think of moving somewhere warmer.
GIMME SHELTERRob: Officials evacuated New Orleans, Biloxi, Gulfport and other surrounding communities, but there’s only so much you can do. There are always going to be people who decide to stay with their homes, and even then, you can only get so many people out in the kind of time frame they had. They did house about 10,000 people in the Superdome, which I thought was kind of neat. You know, if it weren’t for that devastating hurricane going on outside. It made me think of what it would be like if a storm that bad ever hit Boston. The Red Sox would probably throw a roof on Fenway park, make everyone enter a lottery for special “Hurricane Seats,” and then sell you bottles of water for $4 throughout the storm.
Jeff: I found the most amount of food for the smallest price at Fenway recently. You can get three pieces of fried chicken and fries for $8.50. It's absolutely disgusting, but if you're totally starving at the game, you definitely won't feel like eating after that. I saw some pictures of the sheltered in the Superdome and I noticed they had barricades around the field, so the people couldn't get on there. I know you're not allowed on the field at Fenway, but that's natural grass that can be damaged, what's the excuse for them not opening up the artificial turf to those poor suckers who couldn't get out of town? Let the kids pretend to run back touchdowns. Let the shelterees set up camp in the endzone. It's probably the only way most of those people can afford to get into the place; let them have a little fun while they're there.
Rob: It might have been nice to give them full run of the stadium, actually. Let them use the weight room to kill time while they ponder just how badly their lives are ruined. But you'd probably want to keep them out of the home locker room. It was mostly poor people forced to seek refuge in the Superdome, and we all know that poor people are notorious thieves. Though I suppose the sales of authentic, game-worn Deuce McAlister jerseys on eBay would defray some of the costs of the relief aid.
Jeff: Now they're moving them from the Superdome to the Astrodome. They're getting a hands on look at the history of domed stadia in America. And if you listen to any of them, they'll tell you it's God's plan. I don't know if I buy the fact that God wanted 25,000 New Orleansians to be experts in the differences between Astroturf and Nuturf.
YOU CAN’T GO HOME AGAINRob: Things aren’t looking too good for New Orleansians right now. Many of them are trying to get back into the city to return to their homes, or what’s left of them, but their way is being barred by the authorities. There’s no point in letting people back into the city while they’re still trying to figure out where to start cleaning it up. Some officials are saying that it might be as long as a week before people are allowed to return. What do you do in the meantime? Just chill out at your shelter? What’s worse is that you don’t even know if your life is still going to be there when you do get to go back home. Not only could your house be gone, but your job could be gone by the time you get back too. Basically, this is like the suckiest vacation ever.
Jeff: Yeah, if your workplace doesn't exist anymore, it's highly unlikely you'll be getting any paid vacation days for this one. It's probably feels liberating to have no job and no bills. Hell, it's the definition of liberating. Unfortunately, it's also the definition of homelessness. Still, if I were in that situation, I'd be in Vegas or on a ballpark tour already. If you can't fuck around for a few weeks when everything you have has been destroyed, when can you?
Rob: It would be a lot like when there was a fire drill in high school and since we were already out of the building I'd just take off for the rest of the day. Okay, actually, it's not at all like that. But that was pretty cool.
Jeff: It would be just like that if you flooded the school beforehand. But it wouldn't be fair to the people who actually wanted to go to their classes, like me. I had to catch up on my sleep somewhere. A BUTTERFLY FLAPS ITS WINGS AND I GET SCREWEDRob: Amid all the loss and destruction in the Gulf region, people around the country are asking themselves the big question: How does this affect me? And the answer is that you’re going to be paying even more for gasoline, at least for the time being. Apparently, we get a lot of our oil from that area, between the pumping stations and refineries in the Gulf of Mexico to the ports where foreign oil enters the country. I had no idea. Figures, just as I’m about to start driving to work, this stupid hurricane has to come along and drive up gas prices. No one has been hurt by this storm more than me.
Jeff: Speak for yourself. The lead edge of the storm is already bringing rain here. I'm being moved back into my old apartment today and some of my stuff could get a little wet. What insurance is going to cover my couch getting rained on? And the boxes I'm using might get soaked and turn all mildewy. But now that I think about it, I was supposed to give you those boxes when I'm done, so maybe you really are being hurt by the storm more than anyone else.
Rob: Son of a bitch! |
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