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September 17, 2005WHAT’S BEHIND DOOR #1?Rob: Supreme Court nominee John Roberts’s confirmation hearings continued this week. Notable among his answers to Congress’s questions was his assertion that he believes he should be an “umpire” as regards the Constitution. That’s a lot like how the GZA compares himself to a pitcher in “Clan in the Front” on the Wu-Tang Clan’s first album.
The GZA: How ya sound B? You're better off a quitter
Rob: Okay, so it’s nothing like that. But I’ve always thought those were interesting lyrics, since black people don’t really like baseball very much. Anyway, Roberts also raised some conservative eyebrows when he said that he believed that the Constitution guarantees a right to privacy, the foundation on which Roe v. Wade sits. Some right-wing groups are very concerned about his answers, fearing that they’re going to end up with a more liberal justice than they had hoped, while other voices are assuring them that Roberts is just being cagey and duplicitous with his answers. So, the big question going forward is whether John Roberts is full of shit, or did George Bush make a huge mistake?
Jeff: I have to think it's the latter, but there isn't any other way it could fall out. I have a hard time believing you can progress in your career to the point of being nominated for Chief Justice of the Supreme Court while being a caricature of the liberal or conservative viewpoints of the day. Those caricatures usually end up running for office, doing a radio show, or writing some ridiculous newspaper column.
Rush Limbaugh: Or being an analyst on ESPN's NFL pregame show.
John: Remember when Homer Simpson knew the names of every Supreme Court Justice and had a special loathing for David Souter? He didn’t want Bart turning out like Souter. All this talk about the Supreme Court got me curious as to why that is. So I looked up David Souter in Wikipedia to find some reason why Homer didn’t care for him. There was nothing glaring in his career or voting history that could inspire such ire, until I dug deeper. Turns out David Souter is from Melrose, Massachusetts and is unmarried, a lifelong bachelor. That has to be it; how can anyone be expected to trust someone like that?
DO YOU EVEN HAVE A JOB ANYMORE?Rob: Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney continues to hit the campaign trail, most recently making a big speech about terrorism to the Heritage Foundation in which he advocated wire-tapping mosques. You know, that’s interesting, I never really though about mosques, churches or synagogues as having phones. But why wouldn’t they? In any event, he’s talking about terrorism, and Katrina, and all sorts of stuff that will get him noticed nationally. I don’t know, I just don’t think he’s got a shot. I’d like to think our country would think twice about electing a practicing Mormon to our highest office.
Red State Voter: That’s just what I’d expect out of you Northern liberal elitist types. We should be voting for more devout Christians.
Rob: Dude, look again.
Red State: What the heck? The angel Moroni? What’s this about?
Rob: That’s what I’m saying. There’s a reason we persecuted them all the way to Utah once upon a time. Who knew they’d be part of America eventually. With any foresight, we would’ve kicked them down to Mexico instead.
Jeff: I'm not entirely sure what the consequences of that would have been, but I'm reasonably certain it would have had a negative effect on Mexican food. And there would have been some domino effect on John Stockton's career. There has to be some way of using those supercomputers that simulate formations of galaxies to simulate the effect of sending the Mormons to Mexico. Or how about using Mexican slaves instead of African ones? Would Paul Rodriguez and George Lopez be as important to the history of comedy as Richard Pryor and Chris Rock? Would Rico Suave's career have spanned more than 25 minutes? These are important questions. I need to talk to some of the programming nerds at work to see what they can do about it.
John: A practicing Mormon would have a better chance of becoming President of the United States than Geena Davis. What’s ABC thinking? A woman President? Only on TV. Am I right, fellas? High five. PLEDGE WEEKRob: US District judge ruled that it is unconstitutional to say the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools because it contains a reference to God. The ruling was in a lawsuit brought by Michael Newdew, who’s been trying to do this for years. He started out suing on behalf of his own kid, but the courts ruled that he couldn’t do that because he didn’t have custody of her. So, he found some other people who backed him on this, and he sued on their kid’s behalf. Now, I see what he’s saying, and I’ve never understood why “under God” has to be in the Pledge of Allegiance, but it seems like a weird thing to devote your life to. Is it really bothering this guy that damn much that kids are saying “under God” here and there? If it makes this guy feel any better, nobody really pays any attention to the words when they say the Pledge, they’re just saying them. Kind of like when people say their prayers.
Jeff: "Under God" was put into the Pledge in 1954 to separate America from the atheist Soviet Union. The United States government decided the best way to distance themselves from the brainwashing communists was to force every child in America repeat a pledge to the country and God every morning.
The Foppish Dandy: How deliciously ironic!
Jeff: Indeed. And what's the point of the Pledge anyway? Literally, you're just pledging allegiance to a flag. The flag's representation of America is just implied, but that seems like a lot for a six year old to wrap his head around. Doesn't make much sense to me, but I've never been a fan of compulsory patriotism.
John: Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel. However, this Michael Newdew guy sounds like a douchebag. This and the history lesson Jeff just smacked down got me to thinking as to when the last time was I said the Pledge of Allegiance. At sporting events, they just play the Star-Spangled Banner or America, the Beautiful. At Rob’s wedding the DJ played “God Bless the USA” or whatever that shitty song is called. I think the last time I actually heard the Pledge of Allegiance recited was in that Best of the 1980’s WWE DVD when a bloody Sgt. Slaughter said it after his match with the Iron Sheik. The crowd at Madison Square Garden was really into it too. Huh. Maybe only school children really do recite the Pledge.
WHO CAN SAY?Rob: Gas prices are starting to drop all over the country as we recover from the fallout of hurricane Katrina. This was forecast by most of the people I saw on TV. Of course, I saw a bunch of other people on TV who said that we'd end up paying $5 a gallon before it got any better. I hate it when that happens. It's just like global warming. One group of scientists say greenhouse gasses are heating up the world. Another group says that's all crap. And all of the scientists in both groups know a lot more about this than I do. I guess I should just do what everyone else does and side with the camp that agrees with my pre-determined political views. It's a lot easier to figure stuff out when you've already decided what answer you want to arrive at.
Jeff: That's usually the way to do it, unless the question you're trying to answer is, "Does that girl want me to grope her?" Those pre-determined views just end up costing you your job. I guess that's kind of like the global warming debate, except being wrong on that one will cost us all of our coastal cities. It's time to invest in that houseboat company.
John: Or start a houseballoon company.
Grampa Simpson: Hey, nobody owns the sky. Why don’t we live in a balloon? HILTON HACKERRob: The mischievous little imp who hacked into Paris Hilton's cell phone last year was sentenced to 11 months in a juvenile detention facility. Turns out he was busy doing some other stuff too, like hacking into the databases of a major ISP and a major telephone company. Oh, and phoning a bomb threat into a Florida school, which is weird enough even without the fact that the kid lives in Massachusetts. I wonder what the hell that was about. After he's served his time in juvie, he's subject to two years of supervised release, during which time he's not allowed to own or use a PC, cell phone, or any other device that can be used to access the Internet. I also think he has to wear buckskin clothes and make his own soap. That's a pretty harsh punishment, if you ask me. How's he going to find movie times or check how his fantasy football team is doing? And what's he got to do about porn? They have to make some kind of special allowance for him to access porn. Otherwise, that's just cruel and unusual punishment.
Jeff: That does suck, he's going to have to buy porno mags and DVDs at stores like a barbarian. Could he even go into a Best Buy? How about using an ATM? What kind of jobs can he get? Still, it's better than the daily ass fucking in prison, even if they let him keep a blog about it.
John: I was flipping channels and saw Shannon Elizabeth on Carson Daly’s show. Turns out she was one of the people on Paris Hilton’s cell phone whose number was leaked on the Internet. Daly asked her about people calling her and she told one of the most boring anecdotes I’ve ever heard about the guys who called her phone. I don’t know if she really didn’t have any interesting stories to tell about being prank called by strangers or she’s just a tedious dimwit, but I’m guessing that while the former is true, it’s a lot more of the latter. I’d call her and tell her so myself, but she changed her number. I hope she reads this.
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