|
External
|
February 5, 2005THE FUTURE'S SO BRIGHT, I GOTTA WEAR SHADESJeff: President Bush delivered the State of the Union address this week. The union he was talking about was mainly Iraq, but there was a little bit about America in there. Apparently our kids are woefully uneducated and there isn't going to be any money left for those of us under 55 when we retire. There's also been recent news about an upcoming flu epidemic and the expansion of the oceans from global warming, which will destroy most coastal land. Awesome. We may be sick, surrounded by idiots, running from the ocean, and completely penniless in the not too distant future, but at least the Iraqis are free to pick the guy who will be assassinated by insurgents. Rob: Thankfully, there are answers to all these problems of our day. No Child Left Behind insures that schools that don't meet national standards will be denied funding, forcing students at those schools to be more resourceful in pursuing their education. People will be able to get low cost flu shots from a federal agency code named "Canada." And as for global warming, a government commission is working around the clock to assemble a team of scientists who can tell us conclusively that global warming doesn't actually exist. George W. Bush: That's right. We just need to put the same stalwart resolve to these problems as we're putting to the problems in Iran- Rob: You mean Iraq, right? Condoleeza Rice: Of course he does. John: I watched the State of the Union address until around the 25th standing ovation, then I had to shut it off. Not because I'm a surly Democrat like the other half of the room that sat on their hands and booed when the President mentioned Social Security, but because it was just ridiculous. Ben Stern (Howard Stern's father): Shut up! Sit down! John: Seriously. Applause for the points the President makes that you appreciate is one thing, but 66 standing ovations? I'm surprised the Republicans weren't high-fiving each other and bouncing a beach ball around. These are the assholes in charge of the country? Maybe we should have given the other assholes a shot. GIRL SCOUT COOKIESJeff: Two girls who surprised neighbors with cookies and cards were sued by a woman who had to go to the hospital because she was so scared by the girls. I know what you're thinking: Are they hot? Yes.
Jeff: And one of them is legal. Why don't girls like that bring cookies to me? It's fucking bullshit. Anyway, I'm sure this woman is completely reasonable and would never overreact to something so stupid. She said she, "just wanted to teach them a lesson." Apparently the lesson is "don't do anything nice for anyone ever, especially an edgy, curmudgeonly, old bitch." Rob: This lady gets to join the guy who's suing Fear Factor because he got sick after watching contestants eat rats as heroes to the tort reform proponents who need to perpetuate the myth that we are an overly litigious society. One or two sensational cases a year don't really convince me that people are sue-crazy, but I happen to think about things critically, a skill in short supply in this country. Speaking of crazy lawsuits, I actually met the grand daughter of the woman who sued McDonalds for serving hot coffee while I was in a bar in Switzerland. Random. Anyway, I kind of wonder why these girls bothered to bring her cookies in the first place. If this woman is the kind of person who'd sue someone for bringing her cookies, I'm guessing she's not the type who's nice to her neighbors. But I just want two questions answered: what kind of cookies were they, and what ever happened to them? Homer Simpson: These cookies you speak of, are they real or metaphorical? John: This is a dumb story. On the plus side, it's Girl Scout Cookie season, isn't it? Oh boy oh boy oh boy. I could use a few boxes of peanut butter patties. A couple of hot girls bringing them to me would only sweeten the deal. I promise I won't sue, but I can't imagine they would reciprocate. SPANKING THE OLD MONKEY, EH?Jeff: Great news out of Canada. The courts have decided that it's completely legal to masturbate in your own living room, even if your neighbors can see in. I know I can't get the job done unless I think my neighbors are looking, so I'm hoping a similar ruling comes out of American courts. The neighbors of a Vancouver man called the police when they saw him jerking off in front of the TV, believing he was using their children as his masturbatory fodder. They moved to different rooms of their house and used a pair of binoculars and a camera to try and get a better look. So what happens when the courts make their ruling and this story hits the media? Mr. and Mrs. Peeping Tom have their names protected while poor Mr. Daryl Clark of 27 Alexander Street in Vancouver, British Colombia has his name plastered all over the papers. Rob: Are you free to jerk off in your living room where your girlfriend can see you even when you thought she was already asleep? Because if it turns out that's legal, then I've got to get a lawyer and get an earlier conviction overturned. John: Thank God we live in America where people are open-minded and non-judgmental about sex. What happened to Mr. Daryl Clark of 27 Alexander Street in Vancoucer, BC is unfair, but it's not like his accusers are anonymous. How many next door neighbors can he have? At most four, if there's a house on all four sides of his. It's the house with the hot daughters. Actually, this is Vancouver so the daughters in any house are likely hot. This bears investigating, I think. Who's up for a fact-finding trip to Vancouver? To the Back of the Head Mobile! A TITANIC DISCOVERYJeff: Scientists have landed a space probe on Saturn's largest moon, Titan, and found an Earth-like amount of liquid on its surface. There are clouds, rain, rivers, and oceans. Before you book your travel plans, keep in mind it's 300 degrees below zero in the summer and that liquid isn't so much water as it is liquid methane. So it's pretty much like a Canadian auto garage. With that much methane, all you need is some oxygen and the whole thing would blow up. I really think we need to do this. Sure, there's no scientific purpose behind it, but we can spare the oxygen, and blowing up an entire moon would be one of the coolest things ever. Grand Moff Tarkin: Totally. Rob: They might want to weight until the Fourth of July some year, but I'm behind this idea. We should give that Titan what it deserves, like that stupid comet we're pounding with that probe. Those heavenly bodies, they think they're so big. Gigolo Jimmy Del Ray: You don't know how big, daddy. Rob: We should blow up our moon too. What good is it anyway? It just sits there, waxing and waning, waxing and waning all month long. God, it pisses me off so much. John: Blowing up the moon would finally rid us of that werewolf problem that has plagued us for centuries. Titan is a different story; it's hard to say what the mad god of Titan, Thanos, would do if we blew up his homeworld. He could be motivated to get the Infinity Gauntlet together and destroy half the universe again. However, he also might actually help us, reasoning that blowing up his own homeworld might finally impress Mistress Death. He's been wanting to jump her bones, literally, for years now. THAT'S SO GAYJeff: New York City is appealing the state's ban on gay marriages as unconstitutional, and has a powerful ally in Mayor Michael Bloomberg. You might think it's strange for a Republican to come out in favor of same sex marriage, but keep in mind that Bloomberg is a Massachusetts native and a gigantic queer. I'm hoping Las Vegas is next to jump on the bandwagon. When we were checking out the drive through chapels, it didn't seem fair that the gays didn't have the same opportunities to make horrible drunken mistakes as the rest of us. Britney Spears: I couldn't agree more. My backup dancers are so smug and judgmental. Let's see what happens when they have the same temptation. John: They'd probably marry less slovenly looking guys than Britney did. Rob: I always assumed the fight against gay marriage would calm down once people realized that it didn't affect their lives in any way whatsoever. But then Karl Rove used gay marriage as an issue to turn out all the Jesus freaks to the polls and get his guy re-elected. Now all these states have laws against gay marriage, and going to the courts is going to be the only way to get them overturned, since you're probably not going to be able to organize any large movement for having the laws repealed. Sure, gay people will mostly mobilize for it, but not too many straight people will. It's like when they started the Gay-Straight Alliance back in high school. I didn't feel like joining. Was it because I hated gay people? No, I just had other things to do with my life. I'm all for letting gay people do whatever they want, but ultimately, it's not going to affect my life much one way or another. It's kind of shitty that that's how it works, but there you go. John: Dude, joining the Gay-Straight Alliance would have been social death. Unless you had the overwhelming urge to hang out with P.T. Black and such, there would have been no upside to joining. They called it the "Gay-Straight Alliance," but let's call it for what it was, the gays trying to get the rub off the straights. ARRRRRRR, MATEY!Jeff: In their continuous fight against piracy, the music industry has filed suit for illegally distributing songs over the Internet against an 83 year old woman who hated computers. Did I just use the past tense? Oh yeah, she's dead, too. Isn't it about time the RIAA gives it up? They've sued children, people who don't own computers, and now the dead. Their method of determining the identities of song swappers appears to be faulty. And there's no evidence that song sharing actually hurts their sales (many say it helps). So what the fuck are they fighting for? To keep some lawyers employed? Peter Gammons: Send lawyers, guns and money. Rob: Huh? Peter Gammons: I always quote Warren Zevon when someone mentions lawyers, regardless of whether it makes sense or not. Rob: I really miss the old days of free file sharing. Sure, you could call it stealing, but what's important is that I don't care. I always thought that it was okay if I downloaded a song that I was never, ever going to buy. Seriously, does the copy of "Baby Got Back" on my work computer really hurt Sir Mix-a-Lot? John: Is he really even Sir Mix-a-Lot? He had one hit that he may or may not have mixed. We just presume he did the mixing. Furthermore, who knighted him Sir Mix-a-Lot? The Queen of England? Was "Baby Got Back" about her? So many unanswered questions. Sir Mix-a-Lot is a mystery begging to be solved. Rob: The RIAA just likes to files a ridiculous amount of lawsuits because they think it scares college kids out of sharing thousands of files. In that respect, I suppose it works to a degree, but the RIAA do look like paranoid dicks when the file lawsuits against all sorts of crazy people. The next step will be fictional people. When the next list of defendants includes Peter Parker, Cliff Huxtable, and Mayor McCheese, then it's time to pack it in.
|
 |
