|
External
|
September 17, 2005WHAT’S BEHIND DOOR #1?Rob: Supreme Court nominee John Roberts’s confirmation hearings continued this week. Notable among his answers to Congress’s questions was his assertion that he believes he should be an “umpire” as regards the Constitution. That’s a lot like how the GZA compares himself to a pitcher in “Clan in the Front” on the Wu-Tang Clan’s first album. CLICK TO READ MORESeptember 12, 2005HOME IS WHERE THE E. COLI ISRob: The evacuation of New Orleans continues, but many residents are refusing to leave their homes. I can understand not wanting to leave the city you grew up in. Where else can you just wade down the street and run into someone you know floating face down in the fetid water? People just don’t want to go outside of their comfort zones. Many of them are also reluctant to take up Governor Mitt Romney’s invitation to relocate to Massachusetts.
Evacuee: Hey, I’ll move to Massachusetts. Who do I get to live with? Johnny Damon? Manny Ramirez?
Rob: Sorry, that’s actually only Curt Schilling who’s doing that.
Evacuee: Oh, well, forget that then. CLICK TO READ MORESeptember 8, 2005Jeff was on IM today!Honestly, we don’t know what to make of this. Jeff’s been on AOL IM all day long. He’s never on IM. Why is he online? What does this mean? We just don’t know. August 31, 2005HEADLINES: NEW ORLEANS GOT F’D IN THE A EDITION
BAD HOODOORob: New Orleans got hit hard by Hurricane Katrina early this week. The good news is that the hurricane hit on a Monday, so no one had to go to work. The bad news is that everyone’s homes have been destroyed, which made it difficult for anyone to enjoy their day off. Luckily for the tourism industry, the French Quarter, otherwise known as the only place in New Orleans worth seeing, actually weathered the storm fairly well, as the French Quarter is located on some of the highest ground in New Orleans. Of course, you’ll have to rent a boat to get there, since about 80% of New Orleans is currently underwater. This is why most people don’t decide to build their cities in hurricane zones below sea level. August 27, 2005MEAN OL’ NASTY ASSASSINRob: Pat Robertson has apologized for calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. That’s probably a good idea. I mean, if we were in Iran, then it’s totally cool for religious leaders to place death sentences on world leaders, but it’s frowned on in America. It also seems a little out of keeping with a man of the cloth, even once as dubious as Pat Robertson. It’s one thing to say that 9/11 was God’s punishment on America for our cultural depravity, at least then he was letting God and His instruments, a dozen Muslim terrorists, do the job. But advocating sending Splinter Cell into Caracas? I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem like the Lord’s work. August 20, 2005UNSETTLINGRob: I had to do a little research on this whole evacuating Gaza thing. I haven't been following the story too closely. I look at Israeli-Palestian stories kind of like I look at Terrell Owens stories. There's some big problem and people are making a big deal about it, but then there's always some big problem, so it's hard for me to get all worked up or interested in any individual one. As I understand it, and keep in mind that I couldn't go back too far, since I don't have the time to research centuries of religious conflict, the Jewish settlements in Gaza are being emptied and demolished because of an agreement to return the land to the Palestinians. You know, here we just try to desegregate neighborhoods. And why do they have to demolish the houses anyway? If I were the Palestinians, I would tried to negotiate leaving them standing. As a guy who's going three hundred grand in debt, I understand the value of a free house. July 8, 2005LONDON’S BURNING
Rob: Thanks a lot Secret Organization group of al-Qaeda Organization in Europe, if that is your real name. You’ve just bought me a shitty commute on the subway for the next couple of months.
John: Mission accomplished. “Kill Westerners? Check. Inconvenience Rob? Check.” Allah be praised! All glory to Allah! June 17, 2005JUST BEAT ITRob: Michael Jackson was found not guilty of child molestation this week. In celebration, his supporters released doves into the air, one for each not guilty verdict. These are some interesting people, these "supporters." They've been hanging out by the courthouse with their doves for months. Don't these people have jobs? CLICK TO READ MOREMay 22, 2005THE POWER OF THE PENRob: Newsweek retracted a story this week that US interrogators had desecrated the Koran while questioning detainees in Guantanimo Bay. The story had set of riots in Afghanistan that resulted in the deaths of over a dozen people. Now, of course Newsweek should have gotten the story right, but I think most of the blame has to go on the rioters here. Maybe I’m not understanding how holy their holy book is, but I don’t see 16 people dying in riots in Alabama if they heard that a Bible was flushed down a toilet. And how the hell did they flush a Koran down a toilet anyway? If I use too much Charmin my toilet backs up, never mind trying to get a whole book down there. In any event, I think it’s fair to say these people overreacted a little bit. April 20, 2005EPISODE IV: A NEW POPE
Rob: All the world is rejoicing at the naming of the new leader of the Catholic faith, the former Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, henceforth to be known as Pope Benedict XVI. Back of the Head has invited noted Revolutionary War general Benedict Arnold to talk a little bit about Pope Benedict’s papacy and the future of the Catholic Church. Thanks for coming, General Arnold.
Benedict Arnold: Thanks for having me, though I’m not sure why you invited me. I don’t really know much about Catholicism. March 21, 2005THE POWER OF PRAYERRob: Ashley Smith became the most famous piece of white trash in America this week after she was held hostage for a night by Brian Nichols, the man who shot and killed a judge, stenographer, and a court deputy in a successful escape. Apparently, she convinced Nichols to let her go after reading to him from an inspirational spiritual book, "Chicken Soup for the Spree Killer's Soul," I believe. So, this guy manages to get a gun, shoot his way out of the courthouse, steal a car and escape detection, and then surrenders because Bertha Fay there tells him that God wants him to give himself up? I guess by surrendering he increased his chances of surviving for another couple of years before the state of Georgia fries him, but man, he would've been a hell of a lot cooler in jail if he didn't puss out in the end. March 7, 2005BABY GOT BACKRob: We have an early favorite for Most Fucked Up Child Abuse Story of the Year. This one probably beats last year’s winner, the lady who cut her baby’s arms off, by a pretty wide margin. In France this week, the trial of 66 people accused of participating in a child prostitution ring, both partaking and proffering services, began. And we’re not talking about 16 year-old hookers. I think there were some of those too, but we’re also talking about babies. Seriously, dude, babies. Shouldn’t the people who just wanted to nail teenage girls be tried separately from the people who did whatever it is you do sexually with an infant? I mean, neither of those offenses are good, but shit, a baby? That’s in a whole different league. February 28, 2005SO YOU WANT TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE?Jeff: A couple in Alaska recently had an argument about breaking up which somehow led to them having sex and his being handcuffed to the bed. That in turn led to her taking a steak knife, cutting off his penis, and flushing it down the toilet. John Wayne Bobbit: Down the toilet? That’s fucked up. February 13, 2005SAY NOPE TO POPERob: The Pope was released from the hospital after suffering from a bout with the flu. Yup, he's fine now. Except for the Parkinson's disease and the being 84-years old. Actually, 84 isn't even that old these days, but he's a pretty old 84. He's gotten to be the kind of old where you don't even look human anymore. But, he's Pope for as long as he and God want him to be, because no procedure exists for removing the Pope. The Queen Spider: The Pope cannot be fired! CLICK TO READ MOREFebruary 5, 2005THE FUTURE'S SO BRIGHT, I GOTTA WEAR SHADESJeff: President Bush delivered the State of the Union address this week. The union he was talking about was mainly Iraq, but there was a little bit about America in there. Apparently our kids are woefully uneducated and there isn't going to be any money left for those of us under 55 when we retire. There's also been recent news about an upcoming flu epidemic and the expansion of the oceans from global warming, which will destroy most coastal land. Awesome. We may be sick, surrounded by idiots, running from the ocean, and completely penniless in the not too distant future, but at least the Iraqis are free to pick the guy who will be assassinated by insurgents. CLICK TO READ MOREJanuary 30, 2005IF YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKINGJeff: A ten pound meteorite landed in Cambodia, lighting a few hundred hectares of farmland on fire. Some locals called it "a divine omen of peace," while we in the western world prefer to call it "a rock from space." Those on the divine omen side want to build a shrine over it while the farmer wants them to shut the fuck up and help him replant his fields. I think I'm with the farmer on this one. Even if you're a religious freak and think the meteorite is some kind of divine sign, the explosive, fire-starting rock doesn't scream out "peace" to me. January 21, 2005FOUR MORE YEARSRob: President George W. Bush was sworn in at noon on January 20 for his second term in August amidst controversy over the amount of money he plans to spend on his Inaugural festivities. Critics charge that it's unseemly for the President to be spending $40 million on a party while people are homeless and devastated in Asia and while US troops are still deployed in the middle of a miserable desert in Iraq. The complaints do have some merit. The President of the United States is probably the most high profile person in the world now that Michael Jordan is out of the public eye, and it's kind of shitty to rub our ridiculous excess in everyone else's face. I mean, really, what the hell kind of party do you buy for $40 million? On the other hand, it's all private money, and is it really that much? It barely gets you two years of Derek Jeter. I'm sure the Golden Globes cost more to produce than that. And there's always going to be something going on that people are going to bitch about, so when is a good time to have your favorite oil companies throw you a big ol' hootenanny? CLICK TO READ MOREJanuary 7, 2005WAVE OF SUPPORTRob: President Bush this week named his father and the guy who whooped his father’s ass to head the efforts to raise money for the victims of the Christmas tsunamis. It looks like kind of a weird choice to me. Isn’t this Jimmy Carter’s type of thing? Bill Clinton: Hey, when I heard I could get a free trip to Thailand, I signed up. Rob: Okay, now it makes sense. The ex-Presidents might want to act quickly in drumming up money, before the initial horror of the news fades and people go back to not caring about the third world. Seriously, they better move on it before the next big story about a child lost in the woods or a deer caught in frozen ice hits the papers. December 31, 2004WAVE GOODBYEJeff: I’m not sure how many of you have heard about this one, but an earthquake-induced tsunami killed at least 100,000 people along the shores of the Indian Ocean. Whenever I hear about something like this, I think about how we’ve managed to avoid pretty much anything close to that scale here in America. Is it our more solidly constructed infrastructure? Our geologic location? Our technological ability to deal with disasters? No, there’s probably a more simple explanation: Mother Nature hates third world countries. December 22, 2004
|
 |