|
|
Vs. Movies
August 17, 2003
The box office success of Freddy Vs. Jason is made all the
more shocking by the fact that this movie actually delivers as advertised.
The two 1980’s horror icons do battle for much of the movie
in an inventive, prolonged, and hugely entertaining slugfest which
had a victor emerge as the one true bad-ass killer of teenagers
(though, to be fair, there was a bit of outside interference involved
which made for a somewhat disputed finish. A rematch is likely in
the works and is welcome.)
The results of this first franchise fight movie are happy moviegoers,
disgruntled critics, and a lot of money at the box office, which
makes for happy studio executives. And what do happy studio executives
do when they’ve just made a lot of money? They’ll greenlight
more movies exactly like what just worked, hoping they can make
more money.
The Vs. Movies are coming.
Freddy Vs. Jason just opened the floodgates. Superman
Vs. Batman was scrapped earlier this year by Warner Bros., but
they might possibly be reconsidering now. Alien Vs. Predator
has been in the works for years and might just see the light of
day soon.
But you know what? Screw those movies. Superman has fought Batman
in comic books and Alien and Predator have too. What we ought to
see are franchise fights that we have never seen before. Ones we
couldn’t and wouldn’t see anywhere else but in our local
movie theaters.
Here are suggestions to Hollywood for Vs. Movies that would be
sure-fire moneymakers:
Star Trek Vs. Star Wars
Ridiculous? Probably. Does it really matter? For years the Trekkies
and the Star Wars geeks (you guys need a group name) have argued
about which science fiction franchise gives their lives more meaning.
The way I see it, there are two problems with a franchise crossover
here. One, Star Wars is set “a long time ago” while
Trek is set in the future. Two, the casts for both franchises that
everybody loves are really old now, while the younger casts aren’t
very popular. That’s the key to making this idea work. That
and time travel, obviously. Have the nowadays not very popular crew
of Star Trek: The Next Generation (with Data and not B4,
for God’s sake) travel back in time to the days of the Clone
Wars so that they meet the unpopular Anakin Skywalker and get caught
in the middle of the Emperor’s rise to power. Meanwhile, everyone’s
favorite Darth Vader time travels to the 23rd century for some reason
and encounters Kirk, Spock, and the beloved original Star Trek crew,
while the older Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Chewbacca, et al follow
to the future to help stop Vader. What would happen next? There
isn’t a Trekkie or a Star Wars geek who wouldn’t line
up outside a movie theater for two weeks to find out. (Also, I want
to stop right here before I out myself as a Trekkie and a Star Wars
geek. I’ve said too much already. Moving on…)
Rocky Vs. Rambo
A Stallone tour de force! If there’s one thing the tremendous
box office success of Spy Kids 3D: Game Over proves, it’s
that kids can’t get enough Sylvester Stallone. By now, Stallone
is used to green screen work where he plays opposite himself, so
he should have a ball doing this. Here’s the plot: Rocky’s
son from Rocky V is all grows up and joined the military,
where he got captured as a prisoner in some far off country with
a desert or jungle, preferably both. Rambo gets tapped to go rescue
him, but when Rocky learns that the man who has his son is actually
his former arch rival Clubber Lang, who is now an international
mercenary, Rocky takes matters into his own hands and leaves to
go rescue his son. Then for some reason, Rocky and Rambo encounter
each other and fight before teaming up. Okay, you know, the plot
doesn’t really matter as long as there’s a sequence where
Rocky boxes Rambo, and another where Rambo hunts Rocky in the jungle.
That’s really all anyone would want to see. Now speaking of
Rocky Balboa, let’s not leave his friend Apollo Creed out of
the Vs. Movie fun....
Apollo Creed Vs. Apollo 13
This should bring in the older crowd who would feel left out since
most Vs. Movies seem targeted towards teenagers. Given that the
Apollo 13 lunar mission happened in the ‘70’s, this would
have to be a historical docudrama. So the plot would involve Apollo
Creed becoming an astronaut and joining NASA. He wants to go to
the moon and beat the commies there. Meanwhile, a young Ivan Drago
sabotages their rocket, which means they can’t land on the
moon, and possibly can’t return to Earth. Houston, we have
a problem! Of course, Apollo and the Apollo make it home and later,
Apollo turns pro boxer and becomes heavyweight champion. Also, Drago
trying to kill Apollo in the ‘70’s cunningly gives meaning
to why Apollo just had to fight Drago in Rocky IV, and it
foreshadows Apollo’s death in the ring at Drago’s hands.
This one has Oscar written all over it.
Lethal Weapon Vs. Die Hard
To even things out, this would have to have Bruce Willis and Samuel
L. Jackson reuniting from Die Hard: With A Vengeance to take
on Mel Gibson and Danny Glover. An international terrorist coalition
of Dutch, German, South African, and Chinese villains wreak havoc
on Los Angeles, where Jackson and Willis are vacationing. Gibson
and Glover are on the case, but the two sets of ‘80’s
cop movie icons don’t see eye to eye on how to handle this
and get trapped doing battle against each other and the terrorists
in a high rise office building, which of course gets blown up real
good. We’d need to see lots of gun battles, kung fu fights,
cars crashing, and a huge body count. This movie would probably
be pretty great, and I’ll bet Willis, Jackson, Glover, and
Gibson are up to it. They’re not too old for this shit.
Mission: Impossible Vs. James Bond
The plot to this doesn’t really matter; as long as it’s
convoluted and incomprehensible with uninteresting villains, we’re
good to go. What does matter is that Ethan Hunt and James Bond both
drive cool cars and have fancy pants gadgets. Hunt gets to grin
a lot and do crazy acrobatics, Bond gets to wear nice suits and
orders a martini, they fight each other, they go after hot chicks
and bag them, and then at the end they kiss each other. Money in
the bank. As for the hot chicks Bond and Hunt go after, I would
suggest the three Charlie’s Angels and Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.
They really should have a Vs. Movie of their own, but sadly, probably
no one would go see it if they did.
Robocop Vs. Jackie Chan
Robocop 3 contained the line asked by one villain to another:
"I thought your ninja was supposed to take care of Robocop."
I never saw Robocop 3, but it’s clear that the line
implies the ninja was indeed unable to defeat Robocop. Well, what
about Jackie Chan? He knows karate. I bet he could beat Robocop.
So they should make this movie, because I want to know if I’m
right.
-John Orquiola
|
