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John's
Head
September 22, 2005
Who Wants To Be My New TV Show?
I decided to add a new television program to my weekly schedule.
Currently, the non-WWE shows that qualify as appointment TV for
me are Lost, Veronica Mars, Battlestar Galactica, Nip/Tuck, Arrested
Development, The Simpsons, South Park, and God help me, The
Apprentice. Hmm, that’s a lot already. What the hell am
I thinking?
Anyway, Galactica will be going on hiatus until January.
Of my TV summer flings, The 4400 is gone until next year
and FOX canceled The Inside. Nip/Tuck is only about
15 episodes and new South Park is only on for about six weeks
at a time every five months. I don’t have HBO so I can’t
watch Rome or Deadwood until the DVDs come out, and
Showtime canceled Dead Like Me so I don’t have that
to look forward to anymore.
Every year I say I’ll drop Smallville, but I never
do so this year probably won’t be any different. Every year
I’ll say I’ll watch Alias but I never do so this
year probably won’t be any different (although Rachel Nichols
of The Inside joining Alias is intriguing.) I keep
thinking I ought to watch House but nothing has come of that
thus far, mostly because I don’t like doctor shows, Nip/Tuck
being the garishly sexy exception. I’m less inclined to pick
up a show that’s been kicking around for years than I am in
getting in on the ground floor with one of the brand-spanking new
shows that are clamoring for viewers. I was going to sample Prison
Break, but two things killed that possibility: Executive Producer
Brett Ratner and the fact that it debuted in August without
me realizing it. So screw it, Prison Break’s out.
I made a list of the shows that I might like based on their premises,
checked out their pilots, and evaluated them based on several critical
criteria. One of these will end up as my new TV show. Here are my
findings.
Reunion
Network: FOX
Showrunner: The Guy Who Created Tru Calling
Who’s In It: Alexa Davalos (Gwen Raiden from Angel),
Chyler Leigh (Not Another Teen Movie), four other
people I’ve never heard of.
How Is It?
Pretty crappy. Reunion has a high concept gimmick of a murder
mystery being solved over 20 years with each episode representing
a year. One of six self-centered whiny jackasses who have been friends
for 20 years is dead in the pilot. We don’t know which of the
six it was. We’re supposed to watch how these six tedious losers
spent the last 20 years screwing each other and themselves over
and some how give a shit as to who got killed and what the rest
had to do with it. The attention to detail is spotty at best in
making 1986 in the pilot seem convincing. By the time Chyler Leigh
closed the pilot with the words, “Do you want to hear what
happened in 1987?” to the cop who was arm-wrestling her for
the title of Worst Actor on the Show, I was gone. So far gone.
How’s the writing? Obvious and shitty
How’s the acting? Fucking painful to watch
Could It Be Improved if Cylons Were In It? Doubtful.
Should Chloe
Be On The Show? Getting her away from Clark would be
groovy, but 20 years with these people would be a new kind of hell
she doesn’t deserve.
Will It Be My New Show? No, never, not ever.
Surface
Nextwork: NBC
Showrunner: A Couple of Guys Who Wrote For Battlestar Galactica
Who’s In It: Lake Bell, who’s attractive, that
Russian actor who played the homeless guy Bruce Wayne gave his coat
to in Batman Begins, a hot girl who guess starred on Veronica
Mars last season, a bunch of lousy child actors
How Is It?
By default, it’s the best show about sea monsters I’ve
ever seen, unless The Man From Atlantis counts as a sea monster.
He doesn’t, and Surface isn’t. Sea monsters from
the bottom of the sea are surfacing. This is causing problems. People
are dying. A really shitty child actor who has a hot sister brings
an egg home. It hatches and it wrecks his house. A redneck watches
his redneck brother down when a sea monster drags him to the bottom
of the sea. There’s a sinister Russian scientist who has been
expecting the sea monsters. And there’s Lake Bell, a hot single
mom oceanographer or something who encountered the sea monsters
in a submarine and wants to meet one in person. Her son is actually
the worst of the child actors on this show and that’s quite
an achievement for a little boy. We don’t meet any of the sea
monsters in the pilot. Maybe they’re cool looking, who knows?
How’s The Writing? Not so great. For a couple of guys who wrote
for Battlestar Galactica, Surface dashes the high
hopes pretty quickly. The dialogue is dimwitted; the teenagers in
the show are written like retards. Nobody is interesting. Maybe
when we meet them, the sea monsters will speak like Shakespeare
and will have a lot to teach us about living at the bottom of the
sea and the sea monster condition. The odds of that aren’t
great.
How’s The Acting? The adults know what they’re doing but
don’t do much. I might have mentioned previously that the kids
are unbelievably shitty. You know who would have been great on this
show? Jonathan Brandis. Too bad he’s dead.
Could It Be Improved if Cylons Were In It? You know, it couldn’t
hurt.
Should Chloe Be On The Show? A cute, muckraking college journalist
trying to get to the bottom of the sea monster mystery sounds pretty
good.
Will It Be My New Show? Only if the sea monsters talk like Patrick
Stewart
Supernatural
Network: The WB
Showrunner: Name doesn’t ring a bell
Who’s In It: Jensen Ackles (Jason Teague from Smallville)
and some other guy who can't act as Dean and Sam Supernatural
How Is It?
Executive Producer McG + The WB + “Cool” Soundtrack
= Terrible. Retarded. Obvious. Pandering. And yet Supernatural
has a few things going for it. For one thing, Supernatural,
which is a road show set in America about two brothers looking for
their missing ghostbuster father, is filmed in Vancouver and makes
effective use of all those pretty mountains and forests. The show
looks neat. I’m a sucker for the visuals of the Pacific Northwest.
Another thing Supernatural has going for it is they’re
mining really good guest stars like Amy Acker (Fred from
Angel), who is guest starring soon. And being a WB show cast
in Canada, the girls who appear on the show are abnormally hot.
The pilot dealt with a hot ghost who killed her kids and haunted
unfaithful men. Stupid. The second episode took place in the creepy
woods and featured the brothers saving a hot girl and fighting a
Wendigo. Listen, Wendigo’s are cool. Well, the Supernatural
version turned out to just be a stock monster who eats people,
but ask Wolverine and the Hulk, you can’t go wrong with fighting
a Wendigo.
How’s The Writing? Infuriating. This is a show that dumbs itself
down and trumpets it proudly. The Supernatural brothers aren’t
bright or particularly knowledgeable about the creatures they hunt.
The brothers have their father’s journal about the occult with
them; without it they’d be lost against the monsters they face.
Everything is spelled out nice and obvious-like for the 13 year
old girls watching.
How’s The Acting? Laughable, even by WB standards. Ackles is
an ignorant, sneering dope and his brother is an overwrought clod.
But the effort is there even if the performances don’t manifest.
Also, hot WB girls = bad acting. But still, so hot.
Could It Be Improved If Cylons Were In It? Why yes. It can and was.
In the second episode, the actor who played Doc Cottle on Galactica
appeared and the brothers were lead into the woods by the actor
who played the Cylon President Roslin shoved out of the airlock
in season one. Episode two was much better than the pilot because
of the Cylons. More Cylons = better show.
Should Chloe Be On The Show? That would be confusing. Chloe thinks
Jason Teague is dead. But Chloe chasing after or being chased by
scary monsters would be cool and a she would make a show about two
swaggering brothers easier to sit through.
Will It Be My New Show? Only if there are Wendigo’s and Cylons
every week.
Threshold
Network: CBS
Showrunner: Brannon Braga of Star Trek: Enterprise
Who’s In It? Carla Gugino (mother of Spy Kids),
Brent Spiner, Robert Benedict, Peter Dinklege
the Angry Dwarf from The Station Agent, Roc
How Is It?
S’okay. Threshold has the distinction of being the first
show that made me actually tune into CBS since Newhart was
canceled. It was kind of worth the effort. Aliens are arriving on
Earth. They might be colonizing or outright invading, no one’s
sure. The aliens seem to exist in four dimensions, their DNA is
comprised of a triple helix. Carla Gugino leads a crack team of
experts called Threshold to investigate the aliens and they get
instantly exposed to whatever bio-colonizing the aliens are up to.
Ethan from Lost guest stars as an infected human and wouldn't
you know it, he's crazy and murderous. There are guns and helicopters
and scary dreams of an alien forest made of sharp glass. What’s
it all mean? Threshold is in no rush to explain anything.
How’s The Writing? Not bad. The pilot was written by Braga
and David Goyer of Blade and Batman Begins.
Braga seems happy to be far away from the bridge of the Starship
Enterprise. He and Goyer have a lot of wild ideas grounded in
pseudo-science and technobabble. The main characters are nerds and
thus have interesting things to say. When aliens attack, send nerds.
It makes for good dialogue. Trouble is, they’re also all male
nerds and I know enough of those in real life. Braga and Goyer also
made sure to write a scene where Gugino in a frilly nightie is stalked
around her house by a murderous hybrid. That’s no cause for
quarrel. The pilot was all build up with few answers, which worked
on Lost because the characters’ histories and secrets
were all fascinating, but it’s more frustrating than anything
here.
How’s The Acting? Pretty good. Between Mrs. Cortez, Data, Richard
from Felicity, the angry deviant dwarf and Roc, this is an
accomplished cast for the genre. The weak point is one of the guys
from Whipped! as a government agent. The show could use a
second girl besides Gugino, although she’s plenty woman enough
to headline the whole shebang.
Could It Be Improved If Cylons Were In It? Cylons are mostly hot
women so yes.
Should Chloe Be On The Show? Investigating aliens are right up Chloe’s
alley, plus she’d fill the gaping hole of hot girls on the
show.
Will It Be My New Show? It’s the best of the Lost ripoffs
so far. We’ll see.
Bones
Network: FOX
Showrunner: Hart Hanson, don’t know him but he’s
apparently pretty good.
Who’s In It? David Boreanaz, Emily Deschanel
How Is It?
Pretty good. Deschanel plays Dr. Temperance Brennan, a brilliant
forensic anthropologist who works with Boreanaz’s FBI agent
Seeley Booth. Unlike Dr. McCoy, Brennan doesn’t like being
called “Bones.” The pilot dealt with Brennan and Booth
investigating a murder victim of a U.S. Senator, the second episode
was about hunting an Arab terrorist. Bones hit the ground running
with the chemistry between Boreanaz and Deschanel. In an interesting
reversal for those of us who will forever see Boreanaz as a brooding
vampire with a soul, Booth is the more open character while Brennan
is introverted and obsessed with work. There’s a cool gimmick
for every investigation involving a holographic reconstruction of
whoever the dead victim of the week is. But for those of us who
don’t think forensics are the most exciting thing ever, the
characters are much more interesting in Bones. There’s
an amusing runner about how Deschanel knows nothing about pop culture
and doesn’t catch any reference the other characters make.
The sexual tension between Booth and Brennan is palpable, with even
the supporting cast trying to hook them up. Brennan’s anthropological
team are a bunch of surly nerds and just like in Threshold;
nerds make for interesting dialogue.
How’s The Writing? Better than average. The X-Files
comparison was made in the first ten minutes of the pilot as a throwaway
joke. Even during investigations and interrogations, Booth and Brennan
argue and clearly delineate their characters’ distinct and
conflicting personalities and motivations. The lead characters on
Bones have been the easiest to get to know and like of any of the
new shows this season. Everyone on the show is smart. The investigations
are interesting.
How’s The Acting? Also better than average. Boreanaz gets to
emote more but still does his Angel furrowed brow thing.
He also shoots people instead of fighting with swords and karate.
Deschanel somehow makes a grim, work-obsessed anthropologist vulnerable
and sexy, plus she’s the one know knows karate. The leads’
chemistry carries everything. The supporting cast of nerds and FBI
agents don’t see eye to eye with each other. Just about everyone
is interesting on some level.
Could It Be Improved If Cylons Were In It? Cylons would be kind
of out of place on this FBI forensics procedural show, unless they
wanted to do an episode about Brennan investigating a Cylon’s
bones.
Should Chloe Be On The Show? Yes, but not because Bones needs
an investigative college journalist. Bones is a show about
adults and it would get Chloe far away from that asshole Clark.
Will It Be My New Show? We have a winner! Bones it is. This
is the only one of the new shows I’ve seen I genuinely like.
The pilot was the number 10 show in America last week so FOX might
be less inclined to cancel it like they do every other show of theirs’
I like. You never know with FOX, though, so best to enjoy Bones
while it lasts.
I saw Invasion last night and didn’t care for it. Hurricane
strikes Florida town as a cover for aliens landing. Aliens body-snatch
humans. There is tedious family drama and a fat local conspiracy
theorist. Bad acting. Kind of dull. Not interested. Doesn’t
matter anyway, I found my new show.
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