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John's HeadNovember 13, 2005 Theatrical: This upcoming holiday season has tons of movies I want to see. It’ll be a packed couple of months. For my own benefit I’m sorting out what I’ll be trudging through the snow and fighting the crowds for over the next few weeks up till Christmas time. November Definites Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (11/18) The biggest Harry Potter movie yet. The kids are older, the safety of their childhood at Hogwarts is ripped asunder, there’s young love, violence, death and Death Eaters. Goblet of Fire will set the stage for the larger Harry Potter universe’s translation to the big screen. Harry Potter is a rare movie franchise where each film improves exponentially upon the previous installment and there’s no reason to expect less than greatness here. Walk the Line (11/18) Joaquin Phoenix as Johnny Cash and Reese Witherspoon as his wife, whose name escapes me. Hey, I don't know much about Johnny Cash. That's why I want to see this. Syriana (11/23) Middle East oil/spy/corporate/espionage thriller starring George Clooney and Matt Damon directed by Stephen Gagnan, the writer of Traffic. Sounds pretty good to me. Maybe Clooney and Damon will knock over a casino in Pakistan in the third act. Maybe Rent (11/23) As much as I just loooove musical thea-tuh I don't know if I could possibly sit through this without the "Everyone has AIDS!" song from Team America: World Police ringing in my head. Everyone has AIDS-AIDS-AIDS-AIDS-AIDS-AIDS-AIDSAIDS-AIDS! No Chance In Hell In the Mix (11/23) A movie starring Usher. Usher! Now, as great as Usher was as the prom DJ in She's All That (and I'll admit "Yeah!" is the best song to dance to at a wedding reception), there is less than an infantismal chance I'd sit through an Usher movie. Just Friends (11/23) Ryan Reynolds was fat in high school but is now a handsome big shot record producer who brings home a Christina Aguilera-like pop star played by Anna Faris, only to find out he still loves Amy Smart, the girl he loves in high school. That summary reads like a checklist of everything I don't want to see in a movie. December Definites Aeon Flux (12/2) In a perfectly clean future world, Charlize Theron jumps around in a black leather catsuit. I never really watched the MTV cartoon so I don't know what Aeon Flux is about, but Hollywood can always count on $10 from me if they put out action movies starring their hottest Academy Award winning actresses. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe (12/9) Another beloved childhood classic that I never read but I'll see in the theatre. It looks pretty good and the movie's title couldn't be longer. Memoirs of a Geisha (12/9) Trish Stratus' favorite book adapted for the big screen by Rob Marshall, director of Chicago. Even though Chinese Zhang Ziyi is playing a Japanese Geisha, who cares? It's all good Asian. Ziyi is just about the most beautiful Asian actress in movies and she's reunited with Michelle Yeoh from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and her co-star is Ken Watanabe from The Last Samurai. Sold! King Kong (12/9) What's this movie about? If it's half as good as The Simpsons' 1992 Halloween parody... Munich (12/23) Senior Spielbergo tackles the massacre of 11 Israeli athletes in the 1972 Munich Olympics. Something tells me he'll be on the side of the Jews in this one. The New World (12/25) It's very likely on Christmas day, I'll be sitting in a movie theatre watching Terrence Malick's take on John Smith and Pocahontas. Sounds boring? Not if Pocahontas sings "Can You Paint With All The Colors of the Wind" it won't. Match Point (12/25) Ooo, a European murder suspense thriller starring Scarlett Johannsen and directed by Woody Allen. Woody Allen?! Is there gonna be an annoying nebbish in the movie? Maybe Brokeback Mountain (12/9) Mama don't want her babies to grow up to be gay cowboys, directed by Ang Lee. Advance word is that the movie is great. Also, very, very gay. If I actually show up in a theatre to see this, let it be known to all, it's only for Anne Hathaway's boobs. Cheaper By The Dozen 2 (12/21) I saw the first movie and I kind of liked it. This one has Eugene Levy as Steve Martin's nemesis. Poor Eugene Levy. Who does he have to kill to get in a good movie? Cheaper 2 also has an emaciated looking Hilary Duff. What the hell happened to her? She looked a lot better with the babyfat. No Chance In Hell The Producers (12/16) The only movie this season possibly gayer than Brokeback Mountain. Will Anne Hathaways boobs be there? No? Neither will I. Fun With Dick and Jane (12/21) Jim Carrey and Tea Leoni? No. A thousand times no. Hostel (12/21) "From the brilliant minds who brought you Cabin Fever." No chance in fucking Hell...
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