Back of the Head

Every year one of the big men’s magazines, I’m pretty sure it’s Esquire, does a Women We Love issue. In lieu of Valentine’s Day and the fact that I have nothing better to talk about, I’m gonna steal that gimmick, why not? Most lists of this sort are comprised of models and film actresses and various sex symbols of the day. The usual suspects of those lists, the Brooke Burkes, Jessica Albas, and Carmen Electras won’t be found here. Go read Maxim for that (and loan me your copy when you're through. Help a brother out. I'm not made of lad mags.)

Since I like to dwell on television in my Head, what we have here instead are the women on television (and/or DVD) who in the past year have given me the most entertainment and keep me coming back for more time and again. What they all have in common, besides their disarming physical beauty, is that they are all (or play characters who are) exceptionally bright (…er, with two exceptions…), talented, and each woman is in her own way charmingly cool. Most have comedic chops and they aren't vapid girly girls; they’re all guys' women. All of them are way beyond my league, but a man can dream, can’t he? A man can dream.

Currently in the 13th month of her sixth title reign, the WWE Women’s Champion is the coolest, smartest, most awesome woman in sports entertainment. There isn’t any aspect of the business Trish hasn’t tackled and mastered. As a seductress, an instigator, a comedian, a conniver, or as a hero, a warrior and a champion, Trish is head over heels above all the other WWE Divas. No other woman in WWE is as consistently entertaining on every level and her character is more prominent and important than many of the men in the company. I sound like her storyline sycophant Mickie James but Mickie isn’t wrong, she’s just obsessing over what’s true. Trish really is the best.

Morgan Webb

The co-host of X-Play and the best reason to even look for G4 on your cable, Morgan is the dream girl for the stay at home nerd. Beautiful and smart as a whip with much of the sting, Morgan is the real deal when it comes to video games. Morgan fulfills the fantasy of a gorgeous girl who owns every gaming platform and handheld. She knows what the good games are, she’s hilarious when she rips on the crap games, and she can kick your ass in Halo 2. Who doesn’t envy co-host Adam Sessler for being able to work alongside Morgan every day? Even though she abuses him with wicked glee, you don’t see him complaining.

As Jaye Tyler, fate’s bitch and the smart, surly slacker of Wonderfalls, gorgeous raven-haired Caroline Dhavernas has a million miraculous facial expressions. She can make you believe how much she hates it when funny animal faces who could be the voice of God force her to do things, and when she has to give up the guy she loves because the animals tell her to, she can break your heart as her's shatters. The polar opposite of the callow, Neutrogena models who make up shows like The O.C., Montreal native Caroline should have been a big star in the U.S. We would have been better off if we could have had Jaye Tyler on our television screens for more than three fucking episodes. Thankfully, there are always the DVDs.

My favorite grim reapers. In real life, Ellen Muth races cars and is a member of MENSA. On Dead Like Me, she’s George, smart, angry, totally self-involved and dealing with her afterlife as a reaper after being killed by a toilet seat that plummeted from space. Her foil and best girlfriend is fellow reaper Daisy Adaire, played by Laura Harris. Daisy knows she’s gorgeous and hides her deep sadness with Southern sass. Daisy died on the set of Gone With The Wind in 1938 and has a story about blowing every major star, from Gable to Cooper, from Hollywood’s golden age. They’re both confused, lost, lonely, lovely, and worth dying for.

Kristen Bell plays the cleverest, coolest, toughest, proudest teenage girl on television today, but what makes Veronica Mars even more special aren’t her virtues or her blonde California beauty but her flaws. Veronica is, at her core, angry and disenfranchised; she can be self-righteous, self-important, arrogant, and she needs to know the truth even when it hurts, and it usually does. But in her world of Neptune High, there is no better person to have on your side when you’ve been wronged. Veronica Mars always gets her man, or woman, and God help you if you’ve wronged her. But as Wallace knows since the day she untied him from a flagpole and humiliated his attackers, Veronica Mars is the best friend a guy can have. Or more, if you’re very, very lucky.

Simultaneously the most fragile and most dangerous person on Serenity, Summer Glau portrayed River Tam as a beautiful tortured genius who sometimes transforms into a ferocious fighting machine. A former prima ballerina, Summer let River Tam fight with fluid grace, turning a martial arts battle into a performance, a savage dance of death. But it’s her intellect that made her so prized to the evil Alliance that hunts her. Because she played the schizophrenic River so effectively, Summer gets pigeonholed in roles as a “crazy girl,” such as her guest appearance last year on The 4400, and no one plays crazy/beautiful better.

As Dr. Temperence “Bones” Brennan, Emily portrays probably the most fiercely and proudly intelligent woman on television. She looks like a supermodel but never for one second trades on it and frowns on others who would. Instead, Brennan’s single minded, seemingly arrogant and cold drive towards her work as a forensic anthropologist masks an underlying sweetness, a caring heart and a thirst to see justice done. Her utter lack of knowledge of popular culture is a consistent source of amusement. Never a damsel in distress, she’s more than a match for her partner, macho FBI agent Seeley Booth. Brennan is always the smartest woman in any room and that’s the main reason she’s also one of the hottest.

Usually overshadowed by the Bluth men and their alcoholic shrew of a mother, the two Funke women bring just as much hilarity to Arrested Development. Portia DeRossi’s selfish, heterosexual-sex-starved Lindsay more than holds her own with scene stealers like David Cross, Tony Hale and Will Arnett, somehow making Lindsay cute and loveable, though hardly ever likable. And not enough praise is ever heaped on the most underrated member of the family, movie studio executive Maeby, played by Alia Shawkat with impeccable deadpan timing and a small amount of incest lust for her cousins. In fact, Alia is so good, have I got a role for her. Have your people call my people, Alia.

Despite being forced for five seasons to pine for asshole ingrate Clark Kent and never ever being allowed to have a boyfriend on the show, which is totally ridiculous when Chloe is so hot, Allison Mack remains the only reason to tolerate Smallville. Allison consistently saves every scene she’s in as Chloe, the only relatable, three-dimensional character on the show. The dogged, resourceful Chloe is the cleverest, most competent person in Smallville. She is the loyal friend asshole Clark doesn’t deserve while Chloe herself deserves much better, such as her own show.

The most complicated woman on Lost island, Kate is a fugitive and a murderer. By all rights Kate should be a despicable person. But she isn’t because Evangeline Lilly plays Kate with a wounded sadness, eternally wrestling with the darkness in her heart. Kate is tragic because she desperately wants to be good but believes deep down she is incapable of it. She can be a good friend but her loyalty is to herself and her instincts to run before she hurts anyone she cares about. Evangeline Lilly, with her natural beauty and her taut, athletic body, plays Kate as the ultimate tomboy. She can track, hunt, climb, shoot, and fight, and she’ll strip down and swim in her undies when the work is done. Kate is someone any man would thank their lucky stars for if they were trapped on a magical island with her.

Katee Sackhoff, Grace Park, Tricia Helfer, Kandyse McClure, Nicki Cline, and Mary McDonnell
(and Kara “Starbuck” Thrace, Sharon “Boomer” Valerii, Number Six, Anastasia Dualla, Cally,
and President Laura Roslin)

The women of Battlestar Galactica are the best female ensemble cast ever assembled in science fiction. Katee Sackhoff’s work as Starbuck alone breaks every barrier as both Galactica’s ultimate action hero and a deeply flawed, troubled, alcoholic disaster. Grace Park’s Sharon the Cylon is tragic and sympathetic; you can believe Helo and the Chief can still love her despite being a killer robot spy programmed to facilitate the genocide of humanity. Less sympathetic but far more devious, Tricia Helfer plays Number Six as a ruthless dream girl sex toy and then she pulls an even neater trick in portraying Six’s rape-victim Cylon copy as tortured and vulnerable. Kandyse McClure and Nicki Cline both show heart and range as Dee and Cally, two young kids in over their heads just trying to do their jobs and survive as best they can after their worlds erupted in nuclear fire. Finally, there’s the strength, wisdom and dignity Mary McDonnell brings to Laura Roslin, a woman President long before Geena Davis ever stepped into her Oval Office set, and on whose shoulders the future of the human race rests.

Those are the Women I Love (on television.) As for some honorable mentions, I think Keira Knightley, Rachel McAdams, and Natalie Portman are the three loveliest and best young actresses working in films today. I can’t say enough good things about them so I won’t even try. For their Asian counterparts, I love Zhang Ziyi, Gong Li, and Shu Qi. For music, I think the world of Shakira, who is not only just about the hottest singer around in my eyes, but who also seems to be a smart and worldly person. As far as Playboy Playmates go, Jennifer Walcott is the coolest; she’s above and beyond every other centerfold and no one else is even close. Giada DeLaurentiis is the hottest chef on the Food Network and I hope she clobbers Rachael Ray on Iron Chef America next week. Four more Women I Love are Gwen Sumner, Morgan Albertson, Erika Rush and Avery Davalos. You don’t know ‘em ‘cause they don’t exist in their intended medium yet, but when they do, they'll be worth the wait. And finally, there’s my most recent favorite, U.S. National Champion figure skater and Olympic gold medal hopeful Sasha Cohen, who I first discovered when I mistakenly clicked on news articles thinking she was Sacha Baron Cohen (Ali G and Borat). Now, I’m a big fan. Anyone that hot who can lift her leg straight up over her head deserves a gold medal as far as I’m concerned.

And that’s that. Maybe I’ll do another one of these next year. Or maybe I’ll do one better and get a real woman. That probably would be for the best.

- John Orquiola

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