Battlestar Galactica 2x1 – “Scattered”
WHICH WAY DID THEY GO
John: Once again, let’s go over where we stood during the
opening moments of the new season: Commander Adama is dying, President
Roslin is in the brig. All three of Galactica’s top pilots
turned; Apollo is in custody, Starbuck is on Caprica, and Boomer
is a Cylon. This leaves Colonel Tigh in command with some jarhead
as his second. A Cylon basestar attacked Galactica so Tigh ordered
an emergency jump, but in all the confusion, Lieutenant Gaeta failed
to inform the fleet of its new end destination so Galactica went
one way and the fleet went another.
Captain Gloval: This reminds me of the time I ordered the SDF-1
to execute an emergency space fold above Macross City. I intended
to refold near our lunar base to join our orbital defense forces,
but instead we reappeared near Pluto. Oh, and the entire Macross
City ended up in space with us! What a disaster that was. But at
least Lynn Minmei didn’t put two slugs in my chest!
Rob: How do you think the rest of the fleet felt when they emerged
from the jump to find Galactica gone? I’d like to see an episode
about that. Actually, I’d like to see a spin-off series about
the rest of the fleet separated from the Battlestar. They could
call it “Wandering Cylon Meat,” or something like that.
CELL BLOCK BSG
John: Captain Apollo and President Roslin ended up in the brig
together. The shitty situation the President of the Colonies and
Galactica’s CAG found themselves in wasn’t lost on Apollo.
At least they had Billy for company.
President Roslin: Billy, inform Colonel Tigh it’s my birthday
and ask if you can bring me a cake. A special cake, the one we talked
about, with the hacksaw baked inside.
John: Colonel Tigh eventually saw the good sense in letting Apollo
out to lead Galactica’s fighter squadron against the Cylons,
but Apollo has to report to the brig when he’s not on duty
and make no attempt to free Roslin or lead an insurgence. Tigh also
made it a point to visit Boomer in the other brig. By visit, I mean
beat the shit out of. I like the Battlestar Galactica policy of
kicking the crap out of Cylon POWs. Poor Boomer, she didn’t
even know she shot Adama until after it was over. If they’d
just give her a chance, she could explain that when her Cylon side
takes over, she has no control over what she does so it’s not
her fault. They have a bit of a dilemma now. If they execute Boomer
as a traitor, then all her memories will be downloaded to another
copy. But if they leave her in the brig, it’s a total waste
of the hottest Galactica crewmember.
Rob: Just because she’s a Cylon, it doesn’t mean she’s
a bad person. What’s she done wrong, besides the attempted
assassination of Commander Adama? Oh, okay there were the random
acts of sabotage, but is that really worse than holding a gun to
Colonel Tigh’s head? They let Apollo out during the day so
he can go fly, I say they do the same for Boomer. I mean, it’s
only somewhat likely that she’ll betray you to the Cylons.
Let’s not forget that she blew up the Cylon base star before
she shot Adama. I’d say that’s almost a net gain right
there.
YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME
John: Starbuck was right – Helo is really stupid. On Caprica,
Helo stopped Starbuck from killing Sharon the Cylon because she’s
pregnant with his baby. Helo believes her because he saw her throw
up a couple of times and also, he just knows it’s true. In
his defense, he went through a 50 day ordeal with Sharon the Cylon
and he has a bond with her, but think, man, think! She was playing
you all along! Helo keeping Starbuck from poppin’ a cap in
Sharon the Cylon’s hot robot ass gave her time to slip away
and commandeer Starbuck’s Cylon raider.
Starbuck: Bitch took my ride.
John: Starbuck missed a royal opportunity to kick Helo in the nuts.
Maybe next week.
Rob: Looks like another 50 days on Caprica for Helo.
Helo: You know, Starbuck, I’ve always had these feelings --
Starbuck: Don’t even think it.
Rob: I was wondering how they were all going to get off planet
and back to the fleet. That Raider doesn’t look big enough
to fit three people, and I don’t think Starbuck was going to
choose Sharon the Cylon to come with them. Which is too bad, because
the idea of Starbuck and Sharon the Cylon pressed up against each
other in that tiny little Cylon Raider is pretty hot. But if only
one of them could make it out, I’m glad it’s Sharon the
Cylon.
FUTURE DEADBEAT DAD
John: I was mistaken about the vision Number Six was showing Baltar
on Kobol. I thought she was showing him the future child of Helo
and Sharon the Cylon. Turns out, the baby girl in question is going
to be the child of Six and Baltar. Baltar didn’t seem that
excited about being the father of a Cylon-human baby, nor did he
do a terribly convincing job of hiding his lack of enthusiasm, but
Six didn’t seem to notice. Unfortunately for him, he can’t
bail on Six and his future robot daughter like a normal deadbeat
dad would. No other deadbeat dads have the crazy robot mother’s
physically manifesting image implanted into his brain.
Rob: I assumed it was Helo and Sharon the Cylon’s baby too.
Maybe it is. Wouldn’t that annoy Number Six, if Sharon the
Cylon swooped in and took the spot of Robot Madonna away from her?
It would probably bother Baltar less. That really sucks for him.
It’s a total rip-off. What’s the point of having a virtual
reality fantasy woman you can have sex with in your mind if you
have to worry about getting her pregnant?
THEY’RE IN THE TREES
John: The stranded scouting party of Chief Tyrol, Cally, Lt. Crashdown,
Baltar and three red shirts are having a miserable time on Kobol.
Crashdown is falling apart from the pressures of command, one of
the red shirts is dying, and they forgot one of the two medkits
at the crash site. Tyrol, Cally, and red shirt #2 went back for
the medkit but started acting like morons on the way back, speaking
in loud voices and not marching in a defensive position. Cylons
attacked and gunned the red shirt down but that idiot deserved it.
The Chief was doing his best to hold the squad together but he’s
starting to crack too. Good thing they weren’t in radio contact
with the Galactica. It’s doubtful the news of Cylon Boomer
shooting Adama, Apollo and Roslin the brig, and Galactica jumping
away to another star system would have cheered any of them up.
Rob: I can’t really fault the Chief and his buddies for getting
ambushed like that. Those big shiny silver robots are practically
invisible in the forest. They’re going to be screwed if the
Cylons keep after them though. What they’ll need to do is befriend
the native race of cuddly teddy bears and enlist their help in driving
the Cylons from Kobol. It’s really their only option.
BACK IN THE DAY
John: Some flashbacks brought some new light to the friendship
between Adama and Tigh. At one point in the past, Bill Adama had
left the Colonial Fleet and met Saul Tigh on a freighter. Adama
was sporting a sweet combed-back mullet and bushy mustache. He hasn’t
looked that good since he was chasing replicants around Los Angeles.
Adama: Too bad she won’t live. But then again, who does?
Tigh: What?
John: Adama was too driven to stay on a freighter and at later
point he married Apollo’s mother, whose father was in the fleet.
Adama got his command back and a few years later, became a Major.
He then reinstated Tigh back in the fleet to the rank of Captain,
and not a moment too soon since a very drunk Tigh squatting in his
underwear was about to light himself on fire. And now, it looks
like Adama might not make it, leaving Tigh with a command he doesn’t
want and isn’t really fit to have, despite what his scheming
harpy of a wife wants.
Rob: What was that all about? He was going to set himself on fire?
Jesus, man, how about shooting yourself in the head or swallowing
pills? Dying in a fire is not the way to go. And how was that girl
on the bed going to make out if you did it? Did you think about
that? The fact that Tigh would rather be dead than leading the fleet
doesn’t instill me with confidence either. It would probably
be best for all involved if Adama had a speedy recovery.
KEEP IT ON THE DOWNLOAD
John: Lieutenant Gaeta came up with a plan to find the fleet by
jumping back to Kobol and networking the computers to calculate
the fleet’s jump coordinates. The Cylons attacked and Apollo
lead the fighters in counter attack. Meanwhile, in the brig, Roslin’s
guard totally lost his shit and asked Roslin to pray with him.
President Roslin: You know, if you let me out of here, there’s
a weird looking black priest on Colonial One I think you’d
really get along with.
John: Gaeta set up firewalls to block the Cylon virus and managed
to pull off the entire gambit before the Cylons could infect Galactica’s
computers. Downloading and firewalls haven’t been this exciting
since the first time I discovered how to block porn websites from
inundating my PC with pop ups while I download dripping wet lesbian
fisting videos. Galactica jumped to the new coordinates and found
the fleet, which means that they can get the doctor on board to
operate and save Adama’s life. If the doctor fails however,
maybe the humans can ask that battalion of Cylon robots that managed
to dock on Galactica during the battle and board the ship.
Colonel Tigh: Eh, they couldn’t be any more disloyal than
Roslin, Apollo, Starbuck, and Boomer are.
Rob: Damn firewalls. All the Cylons wanted to do was check their
Hotmail accounts. Well, I guess they had to do it. Recent studies
have shown that Cylons waste as many as 2 hours a day using the
Internet for personal purposes at work. While the bosses are trying
to exterminate humanity, all the rank and file Cylons are doing
is checking on their fantasy baseball teams.
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