Battlestar Galactica 2x2 – “Valley of Darkness”
WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?
John: Lieutenant Gaeta’s five firewalls may have stopped the
Cylon virus from infecting Galactica’s computers, but when
he killed the network Gaeta should have immediately run an antivirus
program. If he worked in the real world, Gaeta would get fired from
his IT job so fast for a blunder like that. The Cylon virus self-replicated
and knocked out Galactica’s main power so the entire episode
took place in dark, creepy corridors. Cylon Centurions boarded the
ship and started killing every human that bumped into them in the
dark. Apollo and a few Marine fire teams stopped screaming in terror
long enough to mount a defense against the Cylons. Apollo’s
first priority was to check on President Roslin in the brig. When
they heard the gunfire, Roslin yelled at her jittery, religious
guard and got him to let her out of the cell before Apollo even
got there. Apollo gave Billy a gun and told Roslin, Billy, and the
guard to head towards sick bay, away from the gunfire.
Guard: Away from the gunfire? Oh, thank gods!
Roslin: You’re not really cut out for this soldiering thing,
are you?
Rob: To be fair to Gaeta, Galactica hasn’t been able to update
its Norton Anti-Virus for a while. An anti-virus sweep probably
would’ve missed it. The good news is that Gaeta was ultimately
able to purge the virus and restore power. The bad news is that
windows reading “Watch Boomer and Number Six play with themselves
in front of their webcams!” keep on popping up on the computers
on the bridge.
SWEATING BULLETS
John: Relatively safe in Galactica’s command center, Colonel
Tigh figured out that the Cylons were heading in two directions,
to life support and the air locks. The Cylons were planning on knocking
out gravity and oxygen and then venting all the humans out into
space. Wow, good plan.
Boomer: Yeah, we’re good like that.
John: Meanwhile, Apollo and his marines made their way to a weapons
storage locker to get explosive rounds, the only effective weapon
they have against Cylon armor. By the time they got there, the rounds
had been cleaned out and there were only six bullets left. Every
shot needs to be a perfect headshot to take out each Cylon. It’s
a damn shame Starbuck, the best shot in the fleet, isn’t on
the ship. I’d have had more confidence in Starbuck leading
the defense against the Cylons than Apollo.
Apollo: That makes two of us.
Adama: Three.
Rob: You know, Starbuck really has dealt with Cylons more than
anyone else.
Baltar: Hardly.
Rob: Well, physically, she has. I think. I’m still not sure
how that thing with Number Six and Baltar works out. Anyway, Starbuck
would’ve taken out the Cylons and had a good time doing it,
instead of moping around like a gloomy little bitch. And what was
with that little mantra he was chanting?
Apollo: Headshot and reload, headshot and reload.
Rob: Uh, right, you got it Apollo. I don’t think anyone was
instilled with too much confidence by that.
YOU CAN’T GO HOME AGAIN
John: You know, for a guy who spent two months on Caprica running
from Cylons, Helo’s haircut has remained remarkably short.
His sideburns are perfectly groomed. What’s his secret? Anyway,
Starbuck got Helo to admit the perfectly obvious, that he’s
an idiot for letting Sharon the Cylon play him for two months. Starbuck
then took Helo to her old apartment so they could get some rest
and regroup. It’s kind of depressing that Starbuck lives like
my sister does; her apartment is a fucking mess, but Starbuck is
never home so what’s my sister’s excuse? We found out
a little more about Starbuck, she's a slob, a painter, she likes
her dad’s classical piano music, and she’s the type of
person who falls asleep with a lit cigar. It was actually kind of
nice take a break from the bloody horror onboard Galactica and watch
Helo and Starbuck take a peaceful nap. It was a nice respite, but
back to work. Starbuck grabbed the keys to her Humvee and with a
pack of dry noodles, she and Helo set out to get the fuck off of
Cylon-occupied Caprica.
Rob: Wasn’t stealth something of a concern on Cylon-occupied
Caprica? Seemed like Helo was trying to keep a low profile before,
to avoid the Cylons.
Starbuck: Here’s a tip. One good way to avoid Cylons is to
not screw them. Frakin’ dumbass.
Rob: Good point. But I’m still not sure that cruising around
in the H2 is a good way to stay alive, unless it somehow transforms
into a space ship.
Starbuck: We’ll be fine, won’t we Helo?
Helo: Hey, that big silver guy up there is thumbing for a ride.
Let’s pick him up.
Starbuck: Oh, for the gods’ sake…
DOWN BY THE RIVER!
John: Dr. Baltar had another crazy dream where Adama lead a Galactica
rescue team to Kobol and saved him and his fellow stranded crewmen.
Baltar had his and Six’s child in his arms and Adama asked
to hold it. Then Adama took off and drowned the robo-baby in the
river. When Baltar awoke, Six was there to reinforce the idea that
Adama will kill their child.
Captain Gloval: When Max Sterling and Miriya Parino told me they
were getting married, I did not stand in the way of a human marrying
a Zentraedi because I felt, accurately, that such a union would
be a first step in a common bond and peace that could be found between
our two races. When Miriya gave birth to their daughter Dana, I
was delighted that human and Zentraedi DNA are compatible. It certainly
never occurred to me to drown the child in a river, but to each
his own, eh?
John: When he came to, Six showed Baltar a bunch of skulls used
for human sacrifice to the Lords of Kobol, implying that the stories
in the scriptures about humans and the gods living together in harmony
was a cover for the barbarism that went on, perhaps explaining why
the Lords of Kobol disappeared and humanity was banished to the
Twelve Colonies. Let me get this straight, Six is telling us that
the stories in the Bible aren’t really true and were made up
to hide any number of atrocities committed in God’s name?
Mean Gene Okerlund: What? You gotta be kidding me! I can’t
believe it!
Rob: I’m not sure how much we can trust what Six says.
Ghost of Gorilla Monsoon: She’s a fountain of misinformation!
Rob: For all we know, those skulls could be souvenirs from Caprica,
or one of the other eleven worlds we don’t hear much about.
I just remembered that Six was Blossom’s best friend’s
name. I think I heard that the actress who played her is dead now.
Or maybe it was the actress who played Kimmy Gibbler on Full House.
I’m pretty sure one of them is dead. Anyway, whether you can
trust Six or not, it would probably be wise of Baltar to not ask
Adama to be the child’s godfather. Actually, it would be wiser
still to not participate in this crazy scenario where you have a
child with your hallucinated robot lover, but it’s a little
past time to worry about that.
PUT HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY
John: The Galactica crewmembers stranded on Kobol are probably
having the worst time of everyone. I’ve forgotten what the
reason they even landed on Kobol was in the first place. Now, they’re
just desperate to survive while the Cylons hunt them in the forest.
Cally managed to bring Chief Tyrol back from his stupor by calling
him a ‘motherfraker,” and together they brought the medkit
back to Crashdown, Baltar and the last two redshirts. Unfortunately
they were too late to save the redshirt already mortally wounded
and Tyrol had to be the one to perform euthanasia on his crewman.
It’s just one sad, grim development after another for Tyrol
and friends. They could use some good news.
Baltar: Er, I have some good news, everyone. I’m going to
be the father of the first human-Cylon hybrid baby!
Sharon the Cylon: My ass you are.
Rob: I think I missed how the Chief and Cally got away from the
Cylons last week. The Cylons didn’t give chase? You’d
think that’s something the robots have over the humans, they
can run indefinitely until the humans get tired. But I guess they
wouldn’t kill all of the humans on Kobol, they’d probably
leave Baltar alive, right? Seems like they need him. What the hell
are they up to anyway? They have a plan, we know that because it
says so in the opener to the show every week. I have a feeling that
their plan is more half-assed and improvisational than they’d
ever like to let on.
APOLLO’S LAST STAND
John: Roslin and Billy’s team ran into Petty Officer Duala,
who managed to survive when the Cylons came in and slaughtered everyone
in the bathroom. Billy and Duala haven’t been dating much since
Adama had Roslin arrested but all that seems like it happened a
whole season ago. Duala still cares enough about Billy to warn him
about the setting the safety on his gun so he doesn’t blow
his dick off when he tucks the gun into his pants. Their routes
were all blocked and Roslin’s team ended up running right into
the last two Cylons and Apollo’s waiting barricade. Apollo’s
team was able to destroy the Cylons; Apollo even heroically blew
a Cylon’s head off right when it jumped in the air and tried
to give him a Lou Thesz Press. Luckily, no one was killed –
Apollo: Hey! We lost two Marines.
John: No one whose name is in the opening credits was killed. The
jittery, religious guard saw Roslin even has bullet holes in her
clothes but she’s completely uninjured. Thankfully, the crisis
is over. Apollo did a good job and saved the ship. The Cylons failed
their mission to kill everyone on Galactica. They only managed to
kill a lot of people on Galactica.
Rob: I was very impressed with the scene where Apollo blew the
leaping Cylon’s head off. Looks like they had a couple of extra
bucks left over in the special effects budget and decided to do
something cool looking. I’m pretty impressed with how well
the crew of Galactica handled the Cylon raiding party. Imagine how
well they would’ve done if someone had thought to send a team
to meet the ship that barreled through their defenses and crash
landed on Galactica. Next time, I bet they think of that.
A HOUSE DIVIDED
John: While Duala recovers from her concussion and tries to have
sex with Billy without everyone else in sick bay hearing them, Tigh,
Apollo and Roslin are relieved that the doctor is finally on his
way to help Adama. Roslin voluntarily went back to her cell and
so did Apollo, after he and Tigh had words about how neither of
them is fit to wear the uniform based on their past actions. I’d
say based on how they’ve both stepped up to defend the ship,
they should give themselves more credit. But it looks like nothing
will get any better until Adama wakes up and sets everything right.
Adama: I can’t wait to kill that Cylon-human baby.
Rob: I wonder if the other Battlestars in the fleet were crewed
by magnificent heroes and professional military men who would’ve
handled this situation a lot better than those two jack-offs. Also,
it might have helped if someone a little bit higher up on the list
of Presidential succession had survived. Ah well, you play the hand
you’re dealt, I guess.
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