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Battlestar Galactica 2x5 – “The Farm”ABOUT LAST NIGHTJohn: Things got hot and heavy on Cylon-occupied Caprica in the week between episodes. Turned out that sexy pyramid game last week really was foreplay since Starbuck and Anders got it on. Looks like she managed to not call him Lee during sex since Anders was still around the next morning.
Anders: Actually, she did call me Lee. I kind of dug it.
John: You know what the problem would be with dating Starbuck? She’s both the woman and the man in the relationship. She’s obviously a woman, with the breasts and the emotional mood swings, but she’s also the one who blows out of there in the morning before you wake up and she’s a bad ass Cylon-killing fighter pilot. Any guy dating Starbuck would end up being Tony Danza, making sure she eats a hearty breakfast and that her fatigues are laundered and pressed while she’s out shooting robots. Anders seems like he’s up for it, though. Anders asked Starbuck to stick around and train his pyramid team to become real commandos, but she’s got a golden arrow to bring back to Kobol, so they mobilize to take out an airbase and capture a Cylon heavy raider. While they were dicking around trying to work out a plan, Cylon sharpshooters opened fire from the woods, scattering the resistance fighters. Starbuck took a bullet in the gut and dropped unconscious. Lot of gut shots going around these days.
Rob: You'd think the Cylons would know enough about humans to know that head shots are a lot more efficient way to kill humans.
T-800: They need detailed files on human anatomy.
Rob: I wonder what I'd do given the choice of staying on Cylon-occupied Caprica or heading back to the fleet. On Cylon-occupied Caprica, you're slowly dying of radiation poisoning, and you live in fear of the Cylons. Back on your ship, you are not slowly dying of radiation poisoning, but you're still constantly hunted by Cylons. I'm not sure that either place gives you a significantly higher chance of surviving to a ripe old age. It's a lot nicer looking on Caprica, what with the trees and blue sky, if you don't mind the silver robots stomping about. Of course, you get a fair amount of those on Galactica too. It's a tough decision. SIMON SAYSJohn: Starbuck awoke in a converted mental hospital under the care of a doctor named Simon.
Starbuck: Are you a Cylon?
Helo: He doesn’t look like a Cylon to me. No, he couldn’t be a Cylon.
John: See, this is what I love about Starbuck. She’s not stupid. Simon continually pumped her full of drugs and knocked her out, kind of like when Homer Simpson was trapped on The Island as a Prisoner. Simon should have given Starbuck ice cream sundaes with syringes sticking out of them. In the few minutes at a time Starbuck was awake, Simon told her she was in a resistance-converted mental hospital. He said Anders brought her in and died on the operating table. Simon never identified what kind of doctor he is, but he acts like a gynecologist. He got Starbuck up on stirrups and methodically checked her private parts, putting on the hard sell for Starbuck to start birthin’ babies. Pretty creepy bedside manner. Simon also observed that Starbuck was abused as a child. X-rays showed every finger on Starbuck’s hands was broken in her childhood.
Rob: Starbuck really had to wonder why Simon was checking her ovaries when she was admitted for a gun shot wound.
Simon: We Cy- um, doctors, that is, like to be thorough.
Rob: Simon's bedside manner needs a little work. Doctors aren't usually quite so creepy when they make inferences about your past medical history. Especially since there was probably no good reason to X-ray her hands, especially given the elevated radiation levels on Cylon-occupied Caprica. Really, there were a lot of holes in this guy's story, and badgering Starbuck to be a mommy wasn't helping his case at all. O COMMANDER, MY COMMANDERJohn: Commander Adama returned to duty on the bridge to a standing ovation and beaming faces from his crew. Well, everyone except Gaius Baltar was happy to see Adama back in command.
Baltar: Oh good, the man who will murder my unborn human-Cylon child is back. How wonderful.
John: Adama implemented a plan to quarantine every ship in the fleet as they search for President Roslin, Apollo, and the black priest. Adama also met with Chief Tyrol, who pleaded Cally’s defense over Cally killing Cylon Boomer last week. Cally is in a smaller cell than Tyrol and Cylon Boomer had in the brig but at least she has a bed and meals delivered to her, as opposed to what Tyrol and Cylon Boomer had: a lot of empty space and Baltar dropping by to poison the Chief. Adama steered the conversation into how Boomer may have been a Cylon but she was also a person who was loved not just by Tyrol but by everyone who knew her. And Cylon Boomer loved them back. Doesn't that love make her more than just a machine? Adama is trying to sort out a lot of issues that have baffled science fiction writers for decades.
Commander Adama: Do androids dream of electric sheep?
Chief Tyrol: Sir?
John: Adama dismissed Tyrol with a warning that they will see Cylon Boomer again. It would have been funny if Adama started playing the piano while he said this.
Commander Adama: There are many copies. And they have a plan.
Rob: I was impressed that the Chief was able to talk Adama into only giving Cally thirty days in the brig.
Number Six: Oh, I see how it is. A Cylon kills a human and they throw the book at him. But a human kills a "toaster" and all she gets is 30 days? That's racism.
Rob: The Chief didn't really seem to want to get into the philosophical implications of his relationship with Boomer. I understand that. It's embarassing enough when you find out your ex-girlfriend cheated on you, never mind finding out she was secretly an enemy of humanity. And the last thing you want is someone pestering you about how you felt about her.
Commander Adama: You loved Boomer, right?
Chief Tyrol: Eh.
Commander Adama: Come on, I saw you, I know you did. Just admit it, Chief.
Rob: That kind of sucks. It is a little weird to see Adama going soft on the Cylon issue though. I'd think it would be easier to think that she was just an unfeeling robot all along than to think she really was a friend and just turned on you.
Sting: Hey, maybe Ric Flair was a Cylon all those time he turned on me!
Rob: No, you're just stupid. KNEEL BEFORE ROSLINJohn: Little does Adama know that Roslin, Apollo, the black priest and Tom Zarek are hiding in a meat locker freezing their asses off. The news Zarek brought that Adama has returned to command the fleet was met with relief but took the wind right out of Apollo’s sails. It’s one thing for him to take on a drunk like Tigh in a battle of wits, but Apollo has no confidence that he can beat his father. Zarek egged Apollo on to make a public address to stir up support, but Apollo couldn’t denounce his father.
Tom Zarek: You pussy. Some Apollo you’re turning out to be.
John: Roslin decided to play the religious card and after figuring out how a cassette player works, made a rallying cry to everyone in the fleet who believes in the prophecy to jump to Kobol with her and wait for Starbuck to bring them the Arrow of Apollo, which will point the way to Earth.
Commander Adama: It’s a bunch of religious crap! No one’s gonna follow her to Kobol. No one’s that stupid.
Jason Locke: I’m afraid you gentlemen are sorely underestimating how much people believe in religious crap.
John: 24 ships, nearly a third of the fleet, jumped to Kobol with Roslin. Roslin, who is no longer legally the President, is starting to have even more influence as a religious leader, despite how uncomfortable she feels when inmates on Zarek’s prison ship dropped to their knees as she enters a room.
Neo: You never really get used to that.
Rob: I don't see what's the big deal about jumping back to Kobol. They destroyed the giant Cylon base star. The Cylons don't have any more of those, do they? Actually, I probably would've followed Roslin too. Yeah, there's a strong chance they'll all get annihilated by Cylons, but what else do you have to do? Wander around space until you die of old age? What is Adama's plan for the fleet anyway? He was lying about knowing where Earth is at the beginning to keep everyone's spirits up, but where is he going now? At least Roslin actually believes in her half-baked plan.
Commander Adama: Yeah, and the Cylons actually believe that their one true God wants them to kill billions of humans and then make robot-human babies. That doesn't make that a better plan.
Rob: Good point. Well, I guess we'll just have to see how far the Arrow of Apollo gets them. And Adama and the rest of the fleet better hope that if Roslin does find Earth, she bothers to tell them about it before she takes off. OL’MAC CYLON HAD A FARM, AND ON THIS FARM HE HAD SOME CHICKSJohn: Holy shit, Simon is a Cylon!
Helo: What? I can’t believe it!
John: Starbuck woke up to find a new hole in her midsection that Simon claimed was due to surgery from internal bleeding. Starbuck got sick of the lies and constant druggings and snuck out of her room to catch Simon plotting with a copy of Number Six. What gave Simon away was that he made a point of asking Starbuck what her real name is but then referred to her by her call sign. Starbuck panicked momentarily but got her shit together and stabbed Simon in the neck with a shard of glass.
Starbuck: I never told you my call sign!
Simon: I Googled “Viper pilot Kara Thrace” and found out all about you. You’re pretty famous. That’s how I knew your call sign is Starbuck …is what I would have said if you didn’t just kill me.
John: Starbuck, being, you know, awesome, broke out of prison and found all the women in the resistance being captive and impregnated with Cylon fetuses. Gross. The Cylons have facilities like these called Farms all over Caprica to interbred human women with Cylon babies. At the pleading of Anders’s black friend, Starbuck destroyed the Cylon pregnancy machines, knocked out the copy of Six, and made it outside to run smack into another copy of Simon. Luckily, the resistance lead by Helo, Anders, and Sharon the Cylon in a heavy raider arrived to rescue Starbuck.
Rob: Every episode I see convinces me more and more that the Cylon's plan is going to be revealed to be either incredibly strange or just really crappy. They planned to blow the shit out of every human planet and then round up the survivors for some fertility treatments? Weird. Also weird that the other copy of Simon was wearing a sharp suit. Where did he get that? Do they make them on the Cylon homeworld, or did he pick it up downtown? Do they have Cylon tailers to get the fit just right? I guess that was the copy of Simon that went and got his MBA instead of going to med school. I wonder which copy their Cylon mother is more proud of. MY SHARONAJohn: The division within the fleet forced Adama to question whether what he’s doing is right. He went to Galactica’s morgue and finally broke down in tears over Cylon Boomer’s corpse.
Rob: Say what you want about Roslin, but you won't see her cryin' over no stinkin' Cylon.
John: If Adama had sex with Cylon Boomer’s corpse would that be necrophilia? Is there a word for having sex with a dead robot?
Commander Adama: You’re sick.
John: I know. Back on Cylon-occupied Caprica, where ever Sharon the Cylon disappeared to with Starbuck’s Cylon raider, she returned with an even bigger, more heavily armed Cylon heavy raider. It seats 12 comfortably, which is more convenient than three of them squeezing into the goo of the smaller raider all the way to Kobol. Even though Sharon enabled them to rescue Starbuck, Anders and the resistance were pretty nonchalant about this Cylon who claims to be pregnant with Helo’s baby hanging out with them.
Helo: We’re special. We’re in love.
Starbuck: Oh shut the frak up.
John: Sharon the Cylon claimed she doesn’t know why Simon
drilled a new hole in Starbuck’s stomach. Another problem for
another day, I suppose. Anders had been hiding the Arrow of Apollo
for Starbuck and told her to go back to Kobol and find Earth. Anders
turned out to be a pretty good guy. If he’s not murdered by
Cylons before Starbuck comes back for him, I wouldn’t mind
these two crazy kids getting together. Starbuck, Helo, and Sharon
the Cylon took off for Kobol, although why Sharon the Cylon is coming
with them makes no sense. Starbuck should have shot her in the face
and taken the heavy raider herself, or at least left Sharon the
Cylon on Caprica so Anders can shoot her in the face. But then Helo
would just pout all the way to Kobol.
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