SAVE
CHLOE
The new fall season is upon us, which means despite the fact that
it should have been fucking canceled years ago, Smallville
is inexplicably coming back for a fifth season. We learned our lesson
recapping this turd last season so we won’t be watching, but
it’s easy to conjecture what season five has in store.
This year, Clark remains a selfish tool, Lana remains a hapless
twit, Lex remains in love with Clark, and Lois remains on the show
for no good reason. Also, Clark is starting college in the fall,
and somehow all the kids will end up going to the same college in
Smallville while drinking coffee at the Talon and barging into Lex
Luthor’s mansion at any and all hours. Since every member of
the Superfriends has to go to Kansas and meet Superman when he’s
a teenager, Aquaman will appear on Smallville this season.
Which makes a lot of sense, putting a man who needs to be immersed
in water every 60 minutes in a show set in Kansas, which is devoid
of any major bodies of water. Retarded.
You know who deserves better? Who always deserved better?
Chloe.
Poor Chloe, the only character on Smallville who’s smart and
interesting. She’s supposed to go off to college in Metropolis
and work in the Daily Planet, but that’s a fraud. What will
happen is that she’ll get dragged right back into Smallville
to follow that douchebag Clark around and solve his mysteries while
he treats her like a pair of his soiled red jockey shorts.
Why does Chloe have to be condemned to another year on Smallville?
She belongs on another, better show.
Back of the Head demands that Chloe Sullivan be spared another
season of being forced to be Clark Kent’s lickspittle and placed
on another show where Chloe can thrive and be appreciated.
We suggest:
Chloe on LOST
Yeah, it would be kind of mean to strand poor Chloe on a magical
island with polar bears, robot monsters and Sawyer.
Sawyer: Aw shucks, there’s another Freckles on the island
of mystery.
Chloe would be great on Lost, though. She’d be all
over all the weird shit happening on the island. No one would be
able to keep their maddening secrets from Chloe. She’d be in
everybody’s business. Chloe would have dived head first into
the hatch when it was blown open.
John Locke: We’re not all gonna fit in there.
Chloe: Not all of us, just me.
She’d never leave the French woman alone and she’d have
pestered the Others into telling her everything they know. Plus
she’d have taken a piece of the airplane’s hull and built
up a Wall of Weird so that all of the castaways would have access
to all the mysteries of the island. She would be the centralized
hub of information that’s always been missing on Lost.
Romantically, she’d probably be a little wary given her limited
choices are an enormously fat comic book-loving jinx, an English
heroin addict, a black guy, a bald, fanatical old man, a redneck
grifter, an Iraqi soldier, and Jack, the hunky spinal surgeon. After
playing second fiddle to Lana for years, she’d be smart enough
to avoid Kate’s or Shannon’s ire by not going after Jack
or Sayid. Her best bet would have been Boone, but he’s dead
now and Chloe probably would have been more than a little repulsed
by that whole having sex with his sister thing.
Life on Lost Island might be hard on Chloe, but the best
thing about it is she’d be far, far away from Clark, who let’s
face it, would never bother looking for her anyway.
Chloe on The 4400
Chloe’s talents and interests match The 4400 perfectly.
However, she might have to get used to not being the only one who
believes there’s something strange going on.
Chloe: I have this thing I call “The Wall of Weird.”
I’ve collected newspaper clippings of all the unexplained things
that have happened to the 4400.
Diana Skouris: Actually, we already have a comprehensive database
of all 4400’s, where they live, and if they’ve registered
an ability.
Chloe: Oh, well, that’s pretty good too.
Still, she’d be great on this show. The 4400 could
use an investigative journalist to really stir things up. She’d
have a lot of fun investigating both the 4400 Center and NTAC. And
she’d even have a few guys to choose from for love interests.
Chloe would be better off going after Shawn, who’s earnest
and reliable, unlike douchebag Clark, but if she wants something
a little more like she’s used to, she can hook up with Kyle,
who’s prone to occasional mysterious disappearances.
Chloe on Battlestar Galactica
Chloe might feel a little out of place here. And as bad as things
are on Lost, you could argue that living on a starship desperately
running from a horde of killer robots intent on exterminating humanity
is worse. In any event, either is better than staying in Smallville.
Galactica actually has a pretty active press corps, so she’d
find a place to work on this show. And there are all sort of people
around for her to pester, from Commander Adama to President Roslin
to Gaius Baltar.
Baltar: She really is quite attractive, isn’t she?
Number Six: Don’t even think about it.
It’s going to be a little harder for her to find a love interest
on Galactica. Most of the eligible bachelors are either in
love with Cylons or nailing Starbuck. Still, she might get some
amount of satisfaction from the fact that the hot Asian on this
show is locked away in the brig.
The one thing Chloe would have to be careful about on Galactica
is messing around with the Cylons. She’s gotten used to Clark
sweeping in and saving her life after she gets into her ridiculous
situations. But if she decides she’s going to sneak off and
investigate Kobol on her own, there’s no Kryptonian around
to tackle a Cylon Centurion before it blows a hole in Chloe’s
chest.
|
