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Nerd Alert!
June 9, 2007
Back in 2002 when WWE did their original brand extension , Rob and I pissed away hours at work with our own drafts for other famous franchises. In honor of the 2007 WWE Draft, Back of the Head presents these classic blasts from the past in the form of our own Drafts.
July 24, 2002
Rob: God, I'm bored.
John: Yep.
Rob: Yep, yep, yep. Bored, bored, bored.
Rob: I want to do a draft.
John: For what?
Rob: I dunno. Let's see, we've done Marvel vs. DC, and 90210. What else? Buffy? Star Trek?
John: Star Trek .
Rob: Okay. I think we should limit it to the three shows that took place in the same time period though.
John: Fair enough. Next Gen, DS9 and Voyager then.
John: You had first pick in the last draft, which was 90210, so I take first in this one.
Rob: Shit. Okay, go ahead.
John: Well, for my number one draft pick I choose the Captain of Deep Space Nine and the Emissary of the Prophets, Captain Benjamin Lafayette Sisko!
Rob: Ah, you suck. Fine then, with my first draft pick, I select Seven of Nine!
John: Wow, an odd choice but I can't fault it. For my number two pick, I choose the Son of Mogh, Commander Worf!
Rob: I choose Data.
John: You'd have been crazy not to. I choose Bajoran liaison Colonel Kira Nerys.
Rob: I choose Doctor Julian Bashir.
John: You fucking asshole.
John: I choose as my Chief Engineer Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge.
Rob: Well, then I'll need an engineer. Miles O'Brien .
John: I choose Constable Odo.
Rob: Fucker.
Rob: I choose Quark.
John: Oh you son of a bitch.
John: I choose Vic Fontaine.
Rob: Oh ho, nice choice. I choose Nog.
John: Damn you. I choose Gul Dukat.
Rob: He's dead, isn't he?
John: Oh that's right.
Rob: If we're choosing dead people, I choose Jadzia.
John: No dead people.
Rob: Sisko's kind of dead too, but that's okay.
John: I'm changing my pick.
John: Sisko's not dead, he can come back any time.
Rob: I buy that.
John: Okay, so no Dukat, no Jadzia, no dead people. I choose Elim Garak.
Rob: I figured that was a lost cause. I choose Deanna Troi.
John: Well, poor Troi's gonna have to turn lesbo because I have Worf and now I choose Commander William T. Riker.
Rob: You know, there is a real, real shortage of hot chicks in Star Trek ? But there's at least one left, Ezri Dax.
Rob: Who I choose, by the way.
John: I figured. There aren't a lot of hot chicks. I wanted Dax myself.
Rob: I'd have prefered Jadzia, but what can you do?
John: I'll get the last hot chick left I can think of, who would be Kes.
Rob: I like Torres. I'll grab her.
John: She'll just have to do without her husband Lt. Tom Paris, because he's coming on my show.
Rob: I need some bad guys. I draft Q.
John: I need bad guys as well. The Dominion are all dead, which leaves my choice, the Borg Queen.
Rob: The Dominion aren't all dead. Odo went to rejoin them in the final episode.
John: I meant guys like Weyoun and Damar.
Rob: Weyoun can't ever really die.
John: Yes he can, he only had seven clones and they all died.
Rob: But they could clone him again, no problem.
John: The Founders probably won't. Your pick.
Rob: All right. Is Gowron still alive?
John: I think he is.
Rob: But he's not still Chancellor, that's it. I choose Martok!
John: I need a doctor so I choose Voyager's Holographic Doctor.
Rob: Good call, I forgot about him. Well, I have a superhuman doctor, so I'm all set with that. If you haven't guessed, I'm pushing Data up to Captain and going with an ensemble cast. So, for another villian, I will choose Data's reassembled brother, Lor.
John: Lore.
John: I need someone to familiarize Geordi with DS9's systems, and there's no one better than Rom.
John: We're at our 13th pick.
Rob: What do we go to?
John: 30 as usual.
Rob: And fuck you for stealing Rom, by the way.
John: Fuck you for stealing Bashir, Dax, Quark, Nog, and Martok. This is getting ugly.
Rob: Since you took Odo and Worf, I need a good security officer and weapons chief, so I choose the black Vulcan, Tuvok.
John: A good choice.
John: I choose someone who is probably still alive somewhere on Romulus where we last saw him, and feel free to disqualify my choice, Ambassador Spock.
Rob: I see no reason why he'd be dead.
John: Excellent.
Rob: I will choose yet another villian, another old nemesis of Data, Professor Moriarty.
John: It's hard to pick villains. Star Trek actually does a good job of killing off their villains.
John: Though the Maquis have been annihilated, until I see her body, I will assume she is still alive, so I choose Ro Laren.
Rob: Shit, I forgot about her.
Rob: I choose Grand Nagus Zek.
John: I choose Rom's wife, the sexy Bajoran Dabo Girl Leela.
Rob: Fuck!
Rob: Totally forgot about her.
Rob: What was the name of that Ferengi assassin?
John: I know who you mean, I can't remember his name. You want him?
Rob: Hell yeah I want him. I have a plan in mind, it's all coming together.
Rob: Could it have been Lek?
John: Probably.
Rob: Anyway, your pick.
John: I choose First Minister Shakaar of Bajor.
Rob: I choose Chakotay.
John: I choose Jake Sisko.
Rob: What pick are we on?
John: 18
Rob: Wow, we got a ways to go. Okay, not to act as captain, but to be an occasional advisor and make cameos, I choose Ambassador Picard.
John: It was just a matter of time until one of us picked him. I have Sisko, to have Picard too would be ridiculous overkill.
John: Having said that, I choose Voyager's former Captain and now Admiral Kathryn Janeway.
Rob: I figured as much. I don't want to use him as a Captain either.
Rob: I choose Vash.
John: I choose the Dabo Girl played by Lisa Turtle of Saved By the Bell from when she went out with Jake that one episode.
Rob: I choose Luwaxana Troi. Why the fuck not?
John: I chose Ensign Robin Lefler, who was played by Ashley Judd and was Wesley Crusher's girlfriend for one episode.
Rob: Huh, you seem to be cornering the hot women. Fine, then I take the girl who was Data's girlfreind for an episode. I don't remember if she was hot or not, but I bet she was decent.
John: Since you took Quark, there's a space on the Promenade for a restaurant so I choose Guinan.
Rob: I suppose I should pick Keiko O'Brien. Can the kids just come with them?
John: Well, Molly grows into a hot chick, but that's years from now so okay.
Rob: Does she? I don't remember that.
Rob: I have an idea, I'm picking Gowron.
John: Hey, that's great, champ, but it's my pick. Chancellor Gowron.
Rob: That's right. He's not Chancellor anymore though, chump.
John: Whatever, your pick.
Rob: What was that kid's name? The one Worf didn't kill, the son of his enemy?
John: Aw, I don't remember.
Rob: I'll research it. I want him. He'll serve what I wanted from Gowron anyway.
John: Well, since we're picking Klingons, even though Worf had his memories erased, I choose Worf's brother Kurn, Son of Mogh.
Rob: I choose the cute little girl Q that Q took away from the Enterprise . She'll be Q's protégé, eventually taking over for Q by the second season.
John: Amanda.
Rob: Her name is Q now.
John: The less I have to do with Q the better I like it.
Rob: She'll have a thing for Data and torment him like Q used to torment Picard.
Rob: Q's very popular, gets the ratings.
John: I'll beat the Borg into the ground for my ratings.
Rob: That's fair.
John: I choose Rom and Quark's Moogie, who was the mind behind Zek and the true finanicial leader behind the Ferengi Alliance.
John: Hey, which one of us has the Enterprise E?
John: You have Picard, but he's not Captain, and I have Riker, so I would think I have the Enterprise .
Rob: You want DS9 and the Enterprise ? That's a pretty full show. That's actually okay though, I want a bigger ship. I have a new mission for my crew.
John: You can have Voyager.
Rob: I'm going to build a new ship for my show.
John: I don't need the Enterprise . I have the Defiant.
John: And I have Deep Space Nine, the most important piece of real estate in the Alpha Quadrant.
Rob: That's fine. I'm going to build the Enterprise-F.
John: It's your pick.
Rob: How many picks left?
John: This is 25 for you.
John: I have an amazing new concept where the Borg will try to enter the Gamma Quadrant through the Wormhole and suddenly DS9 and the Dominion find themselves as uneasy allies against the Borg.
John: Starfleet officers and Jem'Hadar fighting side by side and being assimilated.
John: The Borg Queen has discovered a way to assimilate the Founders.
Rob: My Enterprise will be doing something radical. They'll be exploring new worlds and new civilizations. Imagine that. And they'll be competing with Klingon separatists on the frontiers of known space.
Rob: I pick Data's robot mother.
John: Data doesn't have a robot mother.
Rob: Fine, Data's creator's robot wife.
John: You're making this up.
Rob: Nope. Remember she played violin flawlessly, that's how Data realized she was an android.
John: Huh. Okay.
John: I choose Liquidator Brunt. Brunt, FCA.
Rob: I should've grabbed him. I have plans for my Ferengi. Oh well.
Rob: Hmm...
Rob: I choose Mot, the barber.
John: Nice. I choose the guy who ran that covert Starfleet Men In Black, Section 31. The one who tormented Bashir all the time. He will be looking for the rumored traitor who has sold the Federation out to the Borg.
John: Data is captain of your Enterprise , right?
Rob: Yeah, I'm pushing him through the roof.
Rob: I was thinking Tuvok, but that's a lot of logic at the top of the chain of command.
John: Your pick, number 27.
Rob: I know, I know. Not much left, not that I can think of.
Rob: Okay, Barclay.
John: Well, if you must choose him, good luck to you.
John: Can you picture what will happen when the Borg land on Bajor and assimilate the Bajorans? They'll fight harder than they did against the Cardassians but to no avail. Shakaar will barely escape with his life.
Rob: I noticed you haven't picked the Kai yet.
John: Kai Winn is dead.
Rob: That's right, forgot that.
John: I pick Kassidy Yates-Sisko.
Rob: Funny how this is much harder than the 90210 draft.
John: When the Borg assimilate Bajor, Sisko will make the decision to move DS9 through the Wormhole. DS9 will guard the Gamma Quadrant from the other side.
John: I'll create new races and planets from the Gamma Quadrant. This will continue on through the second season when the Borg finally penetrate into the Gamma Quadrant and head straight for the Omarion Nebula, home of the Founders.
John: We are seriously running out of characters.
John: Which is funny considering there are three shows to choose from.
Rob: I know. For a second I considered drafting Wesley.
John: I won't consider that.
John: I guess I'll pick the losers from Voyager to become assimilated Borg.
Rob: I don't even know any more Voyager guys.
Rob: I guess I'll draft Harry Kim. Could always use cannon fodder.
John: Hey, I wanted Harry Kim for cannon fodder.
Rob: Shoulda drafted him higher.
John: Geez, uh... I draft Sisko's dad.
Rob: I draft the sexy genetically enhanced woman from that episode where Bashir had to work with them. I don't remember if she was actually hot, but oh well.
John: Well, last pick as we limp to the finish line.
John: I pick Emperor Kahless.
Rob: I pick Thomas Riker, the Riker clone.
John: He's dead.
Rob: Is he?
Rob: How's that?
John: I think he's dead. Actually, he joined the Maquis and went on a suicide mission. It was a DS9 episode from season 2 or 3.
John: But we'll say he's alive.
John: You want Tom Riker, he's all yours.
Rob: Excellent.
John: My brand will knock you out.
John: You can even have UPN. I'll go syndicated like Next Gen and DS9 and draw huge ratings.
Rob: My show's going to have everything. Action, intrigue and new and exciting worlds and aliens.
John: My show will have the serialized storytelling and gripping drama that will keep the nerds salivating for more.
Rob: My show will have more gay love and cocksucking than ever seen from the Star Trek franchise.
John: My show will not, and while I feel that I'm letting the gay nerds down, I think I'm going to have to.
The next day:
Rob: I think I'm going to make Torres my first officer.
John: Sisko won't be on the station for the first few episodes of the season. Kira will be in charge but Starfleet will appoint Riker as the new station commander, after a Borg cube destroys the Enterprise-E .
John: I'm going to turn Riker into the bad ass he always should have been. He's also hooking up with Kes.
John: My show is a war show. Crazy war will go on. I want everyone lean and mean and battle ready.
Rob: My favorite aspect of my show is going to be my special Away team unit. They're going to be going into hostile and unknown situations on the frontier, so Starfleet is sending a combat/infiltration unit out with the Enterprise. Chakotay will lead a ragtag unit of combined Starfleet personnel and mercenaries including Lek, Vash, Thomas Riker and Bashir's genetically enhanced girlfriend.
Rob: I think I need my show to be two hours to fit all these people in.
John: Viewers will complain my show is too dark. If they complain too much, I'm taking it off the air and telling them all to fuck off.
John: The first episode will start with the destruction of the Enterprise-E. That is my signal that this is not your father's pussy Star Trek show.
Rob: Good, because my show will start with the unveiling of the Enterprise-F, the largest starship in the history of Starfleet. It's a fucking flying fortress. It'll kick anyone's ass. And it better, because they're going to be on their own out on the frontier. No calling to Starfleet for reinforcements for shit. So, it'll be a badass ship. No Voyager or anything, but badass nonetheless.
Rob: Kind of in the mode of SDF-1, actually. Minus the transformations.
Rob: Violence seems to be the theme for both of our shows. Which is good.
John: That sounds great. I would enjoy watching your show, because mine is about destroying almost everything Star Trek holds dear while putting Sisko over like crazy.
John: I'm finally going to use the Borg right. And since your Enterprise is far off in the edge of space, the Borg can finally conquer the fucking Alpha Quadrant.
Rob: Data won't even know what's going on. He'll be too busy dealing with Klingons who want to carve out a new empire far from known space and ambitious Ferengi who try to subvert his every move and establish their own trade influence. Not to mention Lore and Moriarty , who are trying to kill him and each other.
Rob: I like the idea of a frontier, because I want them to be out there on their own, but still basically in contact with Starfleet. I don't want everything completely all new and all different, like Voyager.
John: Starfleet won't be what you remember it being when the full on Borg War starts.
John: Brunt will end up as a waiter in Guinan's bar. Kes, besides dating Riker, will work as part of the Doctor's medical team. Sisko and Kes will have met in their dual cosmic consciences and materialize in human form on the station. The Prophets will be pissed when the Bajorans are assimilated and Sisko is charged with a grim mission of venegeance that he has to reconcile with his duty as a Starfleet officer who must do his part to rid the Alpha Quadrant of the Borg.
John: Robin Lefler will join DS9 to get revenge on the Borg for killing Wesley.
Rob: I'm going to clone Wesley and send an army of Wesley Crushers to invade the Federation.
John: I'll send them all back assimilated.
Rob: Even better.
John: The big question is who the traitor is. Who is secretly aiding the Borg against the Federation/Dominion Alliance? Who indeed. The answer will shock everyone and rip the heart out of Star Trek .
Rob: Is it Janeway? It's Janeway, isn't it?
Rob: Is it Rom?
Rob: Wait a minute, where has Ro Laren been all these years? Aiding the Borg, no doubt.
John: No, fool.
John:
It'll be Spock. Spock! It was Spock all along!
Rob: Spock, it all makes sense. The Borg way of life is very logical.
John: Spock will have been controlled by the Borg for years. Spock will ultimately mind meld with Sisko before dying at the hands of the Borg Queen, leaving Sisko with his essence.
John: That will end season one.
John: Wait until you see Sisko go hand to hand with the Borg Queen.
Rob: Does Sisko still have Prophet powers?
John: Oh yes, but I have to work out his limitations.
John: By the way, Geordi will be set up as the traitor until the shocking revelation is made that it is Spock. I'll put the audience's suspicions on a beloved character before revealing the shocking truth that's really an even more beloved character, ripping the heart out of Star Trek and changing everything forever.
John: Sisko will also have to make a terrible choice at the end of the season: by his actions, either Earth will fall to the Borg or the Wormhole and DS9 will. His answer and the gripping drama will leave millions awestruck.
John: Basically, Earth and the Federation will fall, but DS9 will be the seat of Starfleet during the war. Yet, Starfleet and DS9 will be forced into refuge in the Gamma Quadrant on the other side of the Wormhole and will seek an Alliance with the Dominion and the Founders, who will refuse them at first until a Borg cube penetrates the Wormhole and assaults the Omarion Nebula.
Rob: Will all of Earth be assimilated?
John: Yes.
John: There will be a coalition of Free Planets in the Alpha Quadrant maintained by Starfleet, the Romulans, and the Klingons.
John: However, thanks to Spock, both Earth and Vulcan will fall. Think of it. Think of the tragedy.
Rob: So the Borg aren't just going to be collosal pussies then?
John: Finally, no. No gay time travel escapades. In the Gamma Quadrant, we'll see the Founders actually attack the Borg. Imagine seeing millions of liquid shapeshifters attack a Borg cube. And then imagine the shock when they learn they can be assimilated. The female shapeshifter who tormented Odo will end up as a Borg.
John: The Borg will do what they should have done in the beginning: lay waste to the Federation.
John: My show is going to be fucking awesome.
John: I like that the Enterprise F isn't around (like it wasn't during the Dominion War). It adds to the tragedy that the flagship of the Federation isn't around to defend it.
John: In the midst of all this death and war, I won't ignore human drama. Sisko and his wife and family will always be at the forefront. Jake will save his Dabo Girl from assimilation when the Borg invade Bajor. Kes and Riker will romance, and Robin Lefler will have a big interracial love affair with Geordi. Odo and Kira will find their relationship go through some arduous times.
John: And of course, Vic Fontaine will make it into most of the episodes.
Rob: This all sounds pretty good.
John: I'm keeping Deep Space Nine as a title.
John: But dropping ' Star Trek '.
John: The title 'Deep Space Nine' will come to represent nine free worlds/races fighting against the Borg, their home quadrant of space lost.
Rob: I'm going to play 'Star Trek' up. We're going back to basics, exploring the universe. But I'm keeping what made DS9 cool, a little edge to things, politics, intrigue, interpersonal relationships. The Away team is going to rub the Starfleet crew the wrong way. Chakotay is going to have almost as much pull as Data. And we get to see the further evolution of Data as a real person. I'm going to go easy on the emotion chip though.
John: What's great is that we have two totally different concepts.
Rob: We'll have to start writing fan fiction.
John: That would be great.
Rob: Wouldn't it? Especially since no one would have any fucking idea what we're talking about.
John: I like how I'm planning Rom and Leela to have the first Ferengi-Bajoran baby, but Robin Lefler and Geordi I'm billing as an 'interracial romance.'
Rob: I don't think I have any black people on my show. Maybe I'll explore Data's hidden racist side.
Rob: Ooh, maybe we'll encounter the Nation of Islam's flying saucer.
John: It makes sense you're maintaining the Star Trek name since your show is about a ship going somewhere. My show isn't about a trek at all. My show should be called Star Wars. It's catchy.
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