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November 30, 2004FOOD FIGHTERSJohn: Another Thanksgiving gone, but thankfully, WWE delivered
its annual food fight. The Big Show and Joy Giovanni hosted a Thanksgiving
feast in the ring for Michael Cole, Tazz, Tony Chimel, and the crew
guys working ringside. Jeff: I'm not following. Anyway, wrestlers in a ring surrounded by food is one of the all time great obvious TV set-ups. Some of the others: Curly's sticking his head in a giant vice for no good reason, Itchy and Scratchy's trip to the fireworks factory, Gilligan's being put in charge of anything, and a black guy in Archie Bunker's house. There should be some sort of system to rank those things, like how retarded you have to be not to see what's coming. WALK, IDIOTS, WALKJohn: While 11 wrestlers were cut a few weeks ago, most of the
Diva Search contestants are back and gainfully employed by WWE in
some form or another. Maria joined Christy on RAW as the new backstage
announcer. She isn't very good yet, the Internet complains, but
who really gives a shit? As long as Maria keeps getting chocolate
milkbaths and rubs her breasts, I won't complain. I'm too busy doing
something else to complain. Jeff: I don't mean to sound like a queer or nothing... Matt Stone: Dude, don't steal my bit. Jeff: But I'm not sure that filling the shows with all these girls is necessarily a good idea. WCW did exactly the same thing in their dying days and it ended up stealing interest in the main women on the roster. As those other girls never wrestled, there wasn't much of a story you could tell with any of them, and they never really developed personalities. And having Pamela Paulshock around every other segment to remind you how much hotter she was than everyone else didn't help, either. It could end up where nobody cares much about any of the new girls and they care less about your older, core group. I suppose if they keep Trish, Lita, and Victoria apart from all the non-wrestlers it could work out okay. Captain A-Rod: I'm probably pretty sure everything will work out okay. Jeff: Me too. UNDER NEW GENERAL MANAGEMENTJohn: It's been a different couple of RAWs since the babyfaces
won at Survivor Series, giving Maven, Chris Benoit, Randy Orton
and Chris Jericho control over RAW for one month. Maven got first
dibs as GM and was offered the opportunity of a lifetime to join
Evolution rather than face Triple H. Jeff: You know what's awesome? Maven wasted his World Title shot, didn't join Evolution, and now he's turning heel anyway. Right after he's squashed by Eugene, he'll be right back to jerking the curtain, except he'll be wrestling Hurricane and Val Venis instead of Steven Richards. Maven: No way, this is a whole new beginning for Maven. Jeff: I really don't think so, man. Maven: You've seen my juiced up muscles, right? My tiny trunks? My freshly plucked eyebrows? Jeff: Yeah, but I've seen you wrestle, too. Maven: You saw that? Damn. But things are looking up on that front, too. I've been studying tapes of Tom Zenk, Joy Maggs, and Jim Brunzell. I've almost perfected the armdrag and the dropkick. EVOLUTION EXPLODES! NO, IT DIDN'TJohn: Chris Benoit got to run the show next and booked himself
in a cage against Triple H for the World Title. But in a cunning
swerve that anyone who either has never seen wrestling before or
is a RAW babyface fell for, Triple H and Batista had a public falling
out. Triple H bitched Batista out all night until the Animal of
Evolution couldn't take it anymore. Batista seemingly laid Triple
H out and stormed out of the arena. Triple H couldn't wrestle Benoit,
so Edge took his place in the cage. Then, since there was still
10 minutes left in the show, it was time for the shocking reveal:
It was all a ruse! Triple H, Ric Flair and Batista were in on it
all along. Evolution is as strong as ever. Sting: Yeah, a word of advice, Batista. If you're in a tag match
and end up wrestling most of it, don't even bother tagging out.
Sting: I don't know... Ric Flair: Whoo! I'll make it up to you, Stinger. We'll tag together. Me and you against Triple H and Batista! Double A can be the ref! Whooo! Sting: That sure seems like another set up, but the Lord's taught me to forgive. Jesus Christ: Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. Anyway, could you tell Vince Russo to stop bothering me? Thanks a bunch. HOW LITA GOT HER GROOVE BACKJohn: After spending most of the year getting raped, pregnant,
married, and losing her baby, Lita's suddenly become an asskicker.
She went on a rampage at Survivor Series, breaking Trish Stratus's
nose and then pinning Molly the next night to cement her number
one contender status. She's got a pretty vicious new rear naked
chokehold as a finisher too. Lita still isn't much of a wrestler
but they're covering it up by having her do less and while Trish
bumps more for her. It seems to be working. The crowd is behind
Lita again, so that's nice. Trish is now running around wearing
a noseguard and is doing her part to help Lita's babyface renaissance
out by constantly showing ass. Sometimes, literally. Craypaper Joe: I'd rather not discuss it. Jeff: Did Trish seem really slow on Raw Monday? She's normally flying around the ring at a million miles an hour, but she was wrestling that tag match at a Kevin Nashian pace. Hollywood Hogan: She looked like she was moving around pretty good to me, brother! Jeff: Maybe it was just me. EACH WEEK HE JUST GETS MADDER AND MADDERJohn: For about a month now we've been seeing Muhammad Hassad's vignettes on RAW. When he came out the first time, he was soft-spoken and sincere about wanting an opportunity to wrestle for the fans. But every week since then, he's been visiting his old neighborhood, his uncle's convenience store, airports, and he's been getting more and more furious at us for the racism we show him and his manager as Arab-Americans. Hassad's already really, really pissed off and he hasn't even shown up at RAW yet. I shudder to think what his demeanor will be when he does show up. One thing WWE does really well is program its fans beforehand how to think about their wrestlers. That said, I expect Muhammad Hassad to get a warm welcome when he debuts. Jeff: He mentions his manager's name every single week and I still
don't remember what it is. If current hiring practices hold, he'll
be fired and replaced by a hot Arab chick soon, so it probably doesn't
matter. But Muhammad Hassan's slowly increasing anger does seem
a little odd. I assume he's been through airports and to his uncle's
convenience store in the last few years, but for some reason it's
really getting to him in just the last couple of weeks. Maybe he's
just never gotten his feelings out and translated into very angry
Arabic properly. The last few weeks have been a catharsis for him
and he'll show up on Raw feeling like a million riyals.
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