December 9, 2004
KISS OF DEATH
John: There’s only one way to start this edition of OUR so-called
SPORT off:
John: Dude. Lita didn’t end Trish’s career with the kiss
of death as she promised but she damn well saved her own career
by defeating her for the Women’s Title. Trish and Lita were
given the coveted main event spot on RAW and they delivered big
time. The Divas’ equivalent of Hogan vs. Savage, Trish vs.
Lita was far and away the best women’s match in years. It was
easily the best match of Lita’s career and probably Trish’s
best since she defeated Victoria and Jazz at WrestleMania XIX. Trish
tore off the nose guard and finally stopped wrestling Three Stooges
comedy matches. They ripped into each other, busted out moves they
haven’t used in months, Trish bled a little, and Lita nearly
killed herself a couple of times. But it was all worth it in the
end.
Jeff: If Lita did even more damage to her already repaired neck
with that pathetically blown dive to the outside, it certainly wasn't
worth it in the end. Gravity seems to have a greater effect on Lita
than anyone else in the world. When she dives to the outside or
jumps off the ropes, she gets absolutely no air at all and crashes
straight into the ground. I didn't think she had a chance in hell
of landing the moonsault to finish the match, and had a better than
50/50 chance of landing on her head, but she managed to pull it
off without killing herself or Trish. Maybe almost breaking her
neck again was an in-match wakeup call.
John: Apparently, Lita is said to be fine from her attempted suicide.
She was pretty lucky, considering when she hit the ground her body
folded like an accordion the opposite way it should bend.
Chris Jericho: She should have been in my rock and roll limbo contest,
baby!
John: We'll get to that. I don't know what it is about people who've
had the spinal fusion surgery where they absolutely refuse to protect
their necks. I cringe every time Benoit and Edge wrestle and they
start German suplexing each other over and over. And then Benoit
likes to follow up fifty Germans with the swandive headbutt.
Chris Benoit: Don't worry. My surgically repaired neck is For Real!
Harley Race: Dumbass.
NO VACANCY
John: Trish isn’t the only person on RAW right now who is
a former World Champion.
Lillian Garcia: Please welcome the FORMER World Heavyweight Champion,
Triple H!
Ric Flair: WHAT?! That’s no way to address the REAL World
Champion! Wooo! The greatest wrestler of all time! The best-selling
author! On the cover of RAW Magazine right now! The man with the
greatest, hottest body in the world! A bona fide movie star –
the STAR of Blade: Trinity! The handsomest, bravest, smartest, strongest
and greatest man who ever lived! My mentor! Wooo! Triple H! Get
it right! Wooooo! Back me up, Big Dave!
Batista: He’s okay.
John: Anyway, after the controversial finish in last week’s
Triple Threat match, the World Heavyweight Title was declared vacant
by Vince McMahon. Triple H, Chris Benoit, and Edge all have claim
to the title. Benoit was clearly pinned while Edge clearly tapped.
One would expect that in a case of controversy like that, the title
would be returned to the champion, but Mr. McMahon ruled against
that. Meanwhile, Randy Orton is also back in the title picture.
All this chicanery will fall into poor Eric Bischoff’s lap
when he gets back from his vacation next week.
Theodore R. Long: Eric Bischoff can take a page from the playa
and solve this controversy with a Fatal Four Way, like one taking
place this weekend at Armageddon on pay per view. Balee dat! Holla
holla holla!
Jeff: I was pretty excited to see Edge with the belt at the end
of Raw last week. I've always been a fan of his and I've always
liked the complaing heel character. You know, the guy who's 100%
right about everything he says, but isn't satisfied until everyone
else agrees with him. Like Triple H when he first challenged for
the belt.
Jim Ross: Whatever happened to that guy and his smooth, technical
style?
Jeff: It didn't actually exist, you just said that stuff to keep
yourself entertained while he wrestled X-Pac for half an hour. Speaking
of, I'd rather watch Triple H versus X-Pac in a three hour marathon
match than this abomination.
Jeff: I'll wait a minute while you all vomit. ... Good? Anway,
I'm totally behind Edge in this one. Tapping out requires at least
two taps of the mat, or else it's just moving your hand around.
He didn't hit the mat the second time until after Benoit was pinned,
so it doesn't count. Edge should be your champ. Or give it back
to Triple H. That would be just fine, too.
John: I like Edge's bitching and complaining heel character too.
Which is why I don't want him to get the World Title. What will
he have to complain about if he becomes World Champion? I want to
see how long they can keep Edge from winning the big one while letting
the newer guys like Orton and Batista have it. Edge is this close
to a psychotic meltdown. I say kick him over the edge, pun intended.
IT’S HARD WORK
John: Since our last update, Randy Orton and Chris Jericho have
had their turns as General Managers of RAW. The last four weeks
of Maven, Benoit, Orton and Jericho as GMs were fun, but man, are
the top RAW babyfaces assholes. They all had one clear agenda: To
get that World Title off of Triple H. Each and every one of them
tried their damnedest to cheat and steal the title from its rightful
owner. They eventually succeeded and ended up causing a bigger mess
because of it, especially Orton, who created the circumstances that
lead to the World Title’s vacancy. Just goes to show that Eric
Bischoff really is a great GM. He has a tough job where chaos could
erupt at any moment, but he makes it seem effortless.
Jeff: I have to admit that Eric's lasted far longer and done a
much, much better job than I ever imagined he would when he first
showed up. Especially since everyone who's ever had anything to
do with him hates him.
Hollywood Hogan: No way, brother! I love Easy E like a brother,
dude!
Jeff: Well, everyone who wasn't paid millions a year by him for
working four days a month.
DDP: Eric's a pretty cool dude, bro.
Jeff: And everyone who didn't fuck his wife.
DDP: Bang!
THE MOUTH OF THE MIDDLE EAST
John: Muhammad Hassan has announced his RAW debut next week. He’s
really, really angry now, but what confuses me is why he even has
a manager. Hassan is already a better public speaker than most elected
officials. Traditionally, especially in the case of foreign wrestlers,
the manager is there to speak for the wrestler, like Jim Cornette
did for Yokozuna after Mr. Fuji inexplicably lost the ability to
speak broken English entirely. Come to think of it, Hassan isn’t
even foreign, he’s a proud Arab-American. Maybe Kosovo Dhavari
is just too good at booking airline flights and hotels to lose as
a manager.
Jeff: I think we need to wait to see what happens when Hassan gets
in the ring before we make a determination on his manager. He could
be an incredible ring strategist. We haven't seen a heel bail out
of the ring every two minutes to conference with his manager in
years. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler can have the classic "there
are no timeouts in wrestling" argument, the face opponent can
whip out a double-noggin-knocker while they're huddling, and Kosovo
Dhavari can prove his skills by managing the Brooklyn Brawler to
a victory. I won't be happy until Raw is indistinguishable from
a 1989 episode of Wrestling Challenge.
The Ghost of Gorilla Monsoon: Muhammad Hassan's taken a lot of
shorcuts since coming under the tutelage of Kosovo Dhavari.
GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS
John: Finally, a big shout out to an old friend of ours,
Lana
Kinnear, who made her totally unexpected RAW debut
and got to join in on Chris Jericho’s limbo contest. Great
to see Lana on RAW.
David McLane: Chris Jericho was smart not to give Lana a live mic.
She’d start rattling on about how she’s the Executive
Producer of RAW. Her voice still gives my rented tuxedo wrinkles.
Or maybe it’s because I sleep in my tuxedo at the bus station.
John: David McLane’s dream of a lot of girls in a wrestling
ring who can barely wrestle is coming true each week in WWE. RAW
is especially bursting at the seams with Divas, would-be Divas,
and wanna-be Divas. I’d like to see the WWE annual financial
report just so I can see the budget allowance for hiring chicks
for no reason. But I don’t mind these lingerie and limbo contests
so much. It’s a respite from all the naked men in tights. We’re
always drooling over Maria, but congratulations to Christy for winning
the limbo contest. Watching her bend and twist under that pole made
me think she’s great at hot jungle monkey sex. I like that
in a woman.
Jeff: I'm wondering where they're going with all these girls on
Raw. With all the originals and the addition of the Diva Search
losers, there wasn't much of a reason to bring in even more just
for Jericho's party, and even less of a reason to fly Lana all the
way across the country just for that. I can't believe they'd bring
in a million girls all at once just for limbo and bikini contests.
There has to be some angle, or show, or magazine coming up that
they're all needed for.
John: If these girls are sticking around, they might as well take
the opposite side of the RAW rampway from the announce booth and
build themselves a grotto. Just keep the girls in bikinis frolicking
in the water for every show. I nominate James Caan for RAW grotto
General Manager.
James Caan: Some guys like a challenge. Not me.
Jeff: If this ends up with as an angle pitting Vince McMahon and
his eight girls against Hugh Heffner and his eight girls, I can
guarantee one thing: it will be the classiest thing ever to appear
on television.
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