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December 12, 2004

THE END IS NEAR

John: Despite what the Bible says, there's an Armageddon every year and it's time once again for another one. When you tune in to a normal SmackDown you can be pleasantly surprised by a good show, like I have been lately. Well, this card doesn't look very good. WWE should probably stop announcing the card for SmackDown pay per views. They might just get more buys out of curiosity. When you actually see the line up, it makes it real tough to say, "$35? You got it!" We'll order it anyway because we're dopes, but not this big a dope:

Dr. Zoidberg: I'll take eight!

TOUGH ENOUGH DIXIE DOG FIGHT: DANIEL PUDER VS. MIKE MIZANIN

John: I'm glad it's nearly over. I hate this Tough Enough contest. I hate Mike Mizanin. I hate shoot fights.

Bart Gunn: Me too. But it's not so bad here in Japan. Here, the name Mike Barton gets respect.

John: I like Daniel Puder as long as he doesn't try to say anything; when he does, his promos always end up being about Jesus.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Hear that, Jesus? Puder talks about you all the time. Thas not cool.

John: I really would like it if Puder knocks Mizanin's block off. I could very happy never to hear his stupid "Hoo-rah" catchphrase and his lame ass attempts to cut promos like The Rock again. And while his promo for this boxing match was the best of the three, considering he's already an independent wrestler and a reality TV personality, it was still terrible.

Reverend Lovejoy: Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word 'butt'.

John: But something tells me even if Puder wins this whole thing, The Miz will stick around. If there's money in the budget for seven hundred Divas, Mike Mizanin is probably here to stay even if Puder uglies up that pretty face of his.
Prediction: Puder uglies up that pretty face of his.

Jeff: I don't hate Mike Mizanin nearly as much as you do.

Mike Mizanin: Thanks, dude.

Jeff: Shut up. I still think he's a total douche, but he's started to grow on me as a performer. The rough pieces of promo skills are there, he seems to be in pretty good shape, and if he's actually been indy wrestling for a while, then he must really love wrestling on some level. You don't kill yourself for $25 a night otherwise. The problems are that Puder seems like a much better person, Puder is definitely the better athlete, and the entire contest had them engaging in real competition, which is the antithesis of the wrestling business. We've never even seen a single bit of any one of them trying to work a match. And we're supposed to vote based on that? Not knowing if they're any good at their job? What the fuck does the fact that Daniel Puder's going to kill Mike Mizanin in a boxing match tell you about who'll be the better professional wrestler? Nothing.
Hindsight: Tough Enough was designed from the beginning to showcase Puder and Mizanin, and I suppose it succeeded.

WWE CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: SPIKE DUDLEY VS. FUNAKI

John: I was genuinely surprised at how many Cruiserweights there still are on this show. I don't watch Velocity so I'd completely forgotten Shannon Moore and Akio were still employees. Also forgotten by the writers was any build up for Paul London's return from injury at the hands of Billy Kidman. I was happy to see Funaki win the Cruiserweight battle royal to get the shot at Spike "The Anvil" Dudley.

Funaki: This is Funaki! SmackDown number one contender!

John: Funaki is one of those guys who's been around forever now and occasionally gets a day in the sun. I guess Sunday is that day. It would be neat if Funaki could beat Spike and become Cruiserweight Ichiban. Probably won't happen.
Prediction: Spike

Jeff: This is one of those matches where you think, "I probably wouldn't pay any attention to this on Smackdown, but now that they have my $35, I guess I should watch it."

Tony Atlas: Boy, they don't deserve that $35.

Jeff: True dat. I suppose it's nice they're rewarding Funaki for his years of steady performances, but not so much that they're doing it at our expense.
Prediction: Spike

HANDICAP MATCH: KURT ANGLE, LUTHER REIGNS & MARK JINDRAK VS. THE BIG SHOW

John: Wouldn't you know it? This match is all about a girl.

The Big Show: No, it isn't! Those three guys shot me with a tranquilizer dart and shaved my head bald! This past Thursday they held me down while Kurt Angle threw the steel steps into my back! Plus Luther Reigns ruined my Thanksgiving feast!

John: Yup, all about a girl. Luther Reigns is starting to grow on me a little. When pitted against any other wrestler, he doesn't look all that intimidating, with his business suit, earrings and big, floppy lips, but when he's asking out or threatening big-boobied Joy Giovanni (which is pretty much the same thing), he takes on a previously non-existent air of menace. And he was pretty funny on Thursday when he booked Mark Jindrak to wrestle Show on the spot. You'd think the three heels would have the advantage over the Big Show in this handicap match, and you'd be absolutely right. It's not like that's the Undertaker in there taking on Angle's crew.
Prediction: Show gets laid out again, Joy still won't go out with Luther.

Jeff: Luther had another great week. As long as we don't see him try and wrestle too often, he's actually pretty entertaining. And I think the big lips and earrings are now enhancing his character, rather than detracting, as they add the proper level of physical repulsiveness.

Luther Reigns: What did you just say?

Ned Flanders: He just meant as a character. I think you're beautiful.

Luther Reigns: What?!

Jeff: Um, anyhow, the announcers have suggested the Big Show might have bitten off a little more than he can chew.

Jim Ross: This announcer didn't say that. I've seen that fat ass cover the floor in drool after seeing the brontosaurus ribs in the opening of the Flintstones. Then he ate an entire side of beef. And he didn't even cover it in my barbecue sauce.

Jeff's Prediction: The Big Show eats them alive.

DAWN MARIE VS. MISS JACKIE WITH SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE CHARLIE HAAS

John: Shelton Benjamin may be the Intercontinental Champion and a rising star on RAW, but he's got nothing on his former partner Charlie, who's got two chicks fighting over him and still finds the time to get his ass beaten by Heidenreich and Jesus. Dawn Marie has been claiming for months that Charlie shacks up with her even as he plans to marry Miss Jackie. Charlie denies it, but then there are questionable moments like this:



John: Is Dawn Marie telling the truth about Charlie and her? Whatever she's up to, this is mild for Dawn Marie. This is the woman who married Torrie Wilson's father in part as a way to blackmail Torrie into sleeping with her. She then killed Al Wilson by over-fucking him. That's how I'd like to go.

Philip J. Fry: I never thought I'd go like this, but I'd always really hoped so.

John's Prediction: Charlie discovers it's Rico he really loves, but it's much too late. (But not for us. Did you know Rico got a job working security at the Palms in Vegas? We should try to meet him next month.)

Jeff: Cool. Maybe we can get him to ride Lance around the casino, slapping his ass. That would be hot. Now if I know the male mind, and being one for 28 years I have a bit of experience, Charlie's thinking he'd like Dawn to leave them alone, but really, really hoping something happens that ends up with all three of them having sex. He's gone through a million scenarios in his head, and even if the few that could possibly lead to that are so unlikely to happen it's a waste of time to even think about them, he'll do everything in his power to push things that way.
Prediction: The WWE is the place where dreams come true

WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: REY MYSTERIO & ROB VAN DAM VS. KENZO SUZUKI & RENE DUPREE

John: First Tajiri and now Kenzo Suzuki. What is it about Torrie Wilson that makes the Asian guys loose their shit over her? Aren't the Japanese women tall, blonde, with golden tanned skin, incredible bodies, tight, amazing asses and giant breasts, and have appeared twice in Playboy? Hmm. Excuse me, I have go somewhere for a few minutes…

Michael Cole: What's gotten into John?

Tazz: I think what's comin' out of him is the real question. Frankly, I don't wanna know.

John: Ah. Okay, where were we? Tag team title match, right. RVD and Rey Rey have been chasing those tag straps for months and won them in an impromptu match on SmackDown. They're over as a team and have that tandem finisher, the 4:20.

Michael Cole: The 4:20 refers to their four legs and their combined shoe sizes.

Rob Van Dam: Yeah, whatever.

John: There's also an entertaining subplot going on with Hiroko being jealous of her husband Kenzo's lusting over Torrie. Hiroko stripped Torrie to her bra and panties on Thursday and Torrie ran all around the arena, bouncing around almost naked, chasing Hiroko. Hmmm…

Rob Van Dam: Yeah? Then that happened? Hey, dude, finish your prediction.

John's Prediction: Hm? Oh, yeah, uh, RVD and Rey retain on Sunday. Now, where did I put that Playboy?

Jeff: I don't know, but maybe it's for the best that you don't have it.
Prediction: John makes Jesus cry.

Carlito: Hey Jesus, why you care if Juan whacks off, meng? Thas not cool.

STREET FIGHT FOR THE UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP: JOHN CENA VS. JESUS

John: So it was written and now it will come to pass: Jesus is fighting at Armageddon. Weird seeing the name "Jesus" and the words "street fight" in the same sentence.

Matthew: You don't even know, dog. Back in the day, you didn't piss off Lord JC. He all meek and mild, turn the other cheek, but set that nigga off and the Lord could throw down.

Mark: Who you think invented TLC: Tables, Ladders and Crosses, a'it?

Luke: Yea, yea. That's how he do.

The Disciple: Hollywood Hogan rules! Now to do some coke in my MTBA tollbooth.

John: All right, all of you get lost. Christ! Jesus has to take on another guy with the initials 'JC', John Cena, who wants revenge on Jesus for stabbing him in a Boston nightclub and later beating his kidneys down with his gold chain. Last I checked my Bible, there wasn't anything in there about Jesus winning the United States Title at the Armageddon.
Prediction: Cena

Jeff: I think everyone watching this match is waiting for the same thing: when we find out what's on the other end of Jesus's chain. Is it a watch? A wallet? His keys? The mystery will be solved tonight.

Giraldo Rivera: Then we'll find out what's in his vault on live TV!

Jeff: Dude, there's nobody younger than 25 who has any idea what you're talking about.
Prediction: The chain's attached to Carlito's golden afro pick

FATAL FOUR WAY FOR THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP: JBL VS. BOOKER T VS. EDDIE GUERRERO VS. THE UNDERTAKER

John: JBL has put together a nice little Cabinet for himself. Taken individually, the Bashams and Orlando Jordan look like losers. But together with JBL and Amy Weber, who more than any of the other Diva Search losers seems to fit right in with a heel faction, the Cabinet's whole is more than the sum of its parts. Not to say the Undertaker can't rip right through them with relative ease. JBL is pretty upset about this fatal four way, especially since he's beaten all three challengers before.

The Undertaker: He ain't never beaten me, you little asshole.

John: Well, he does feel that his WWE Championship is in danger since you can pin Booker or Eddie and win the title.

Triple H: Yeah, cry me a river.

John: It's been an interesting contrast of styles in how the three challengers have been building momentum towards this Fatal Four Way. Eddie has gotten under JBL's skin by stealing the tires from his white limo. Booker stole JBL's hat. Meanwhile, the Undertaker has thoroughly beaten the shit out of JBL and his entire Cabinet the last two weeks. One method seems more effective than the other two.

The Undertaker: Orlando Jordan, Booker T, Eddie Guerrero, a coupla Bashams, it don't make no difference to me.

John: Me neither.
Prediction: The Undertaker

Jeff: First rule of WWE Championship matches: if there are four or more participants involved, the champion always retains. Second rule: the guy who shows most ass on the show directly before the pay per view always wins. Third rule: the heel who has everyone banned from ringside always finds a way around it and wins. I don't see any of the rules being broken tonight.
Prediction: JBL