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December 28, 2004
IRAQ AND ROLL
John: Silly soldiers. Someone should have told them they didn't
have to go all the way to Iraq to see a WWE show. There are a couple
of hundred shows a year right here in the United States. But since
our troops were there already, it was a great thing for Vince McMahon
to bring a Christmas Smackdown to the troops in Iraq again this
year.
John: The Superstars visited hundreds of troops and criss crossed
Iraq in Blackhawk helicopters to bring the joy of WWE into their
difficult, violent lives, but it was the Superstars who were the
ones touched by our soldiers' courage and heroism.
Internet Smark: That show was terrible! They didn't have any four
star matches!
John: Who fucking cares. The Superstars were up for days and traveled
thousands of miles relentlessly to meet as many soliders as possible.
Then they had to put on a wrestling show to boot. They should be
commended. So what if the wrestling wasn't great. It was about the
troops just being able to see, hear and touch the WWE Superstars.
It was a nice show all around. And you know, I learned something
that day.
Eric Cartman: Oh boy, here we go.
John: I learned that the media has only been reporting one side
of the story in Iraq. True, our reasons for being there are questionable
at best, but politics aside, our soliders are there now and they're
trying to make the best out of a bad situation. They're trying to
rebuild Iraq and help its people begin a new democratic way of life,
all while insurgents shoot at them and try to blow them up every
day. We never see the good things our soldiers do in Iraq, like
help rebuild the schools, mosques and hospitals they helped destroy
during the invasion. But thanks to Vince McMahon and with special
thanks to Creed for allowing WWE to use their music, now I understand
what's really happening in Iraq. I'll spend the next year forgetting
all of this, but I'm looking forward to being reminded all over
again next Christmas when WWE returns to Iraq. But next time, bring
them a RAW show. The troops deserve better than Luther Reigns and
Kenzo Suzuki.
Jeff: Sure, it was a great show for the troops, but they unfortunately
also broadcast it on UPN. I can deal with the shitty wrestling and
divas filler, but the 700th montage of the wrestlers meeting the
troops was a little too much. Yes, we get it, everyone's proud of
everyone else, and all the wrestlers would love to come back if
(ha!) the troops are still there next year, but that's the kind
of thing that's interesting as one or two highlight packages, not
as a bumper before every single commercial break. They could have
at least booked Charlie Haas in a match. The poor guy traveled into
a war zone on the other side of the globe and he wasn't even used.
Charlie Haas: Don't worry about it. Now that I'm single, I was able
to spend my trip cruising the streets of Baghdad chasing some fine
Iraqi tail. And honestly, they're not nearly as hairy as I was expecting.
I'm definitely coming back next year.
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO SMACKDOWN
John: WWE and Santa Claus reached some interesting contractual
agreements this holiday season. For some reason, Santa personally
answered Kurt Angle's gold medal challenge at Armageddon. Unfortunately
for Mr. Kringle, he tapped pretty quickly to the Ankle Lock. There
would be no bringing home gold medals to Mrs. Claus. None of this
stopped Santa Claus from making the long flight to Iraq. That horny
old dog reached into his sack and gave the naughty Smackdown Divas
lingerie in front of the troops. I bet Mrs. Claus didn't like that.
Torrie Wilson: Wait a minute. You're not Santa Claus! You're Mick
Foley!
John: Nothing gets by Torrie, does it?
Jeff: I think this is where I have to make our contractually-obligated
"Xanta Claus" reference. Now that that's taken care of,
I'm left wondering what the idea was for Santa's appearance at Armageddon.
Usually when you have someone dress up and appear as a surprise
opponent, there's someone worthwhile under the disguise.
Randy Savage: I still won't wrestle La Parka to this day. No I won't.
Jeff: But this Santa was just a local jobber. He didn't have anything
useful in the bag, he didn't show any surprising skill, and nobody
came out to bail out jolly old St. Nick. It's like they just happened
to have a Santa suit rented and didn't want it to go to waste. I
suppose when the show's only purchased by 100 people you try not
to waste any money, but I'd suggest it didn't need to be rented
in the first place.
CLOCK WATCHERS
John: Ever the innovator, Eric Bischoff's Beat the Clock concept
on RAW provided for some interesting matches and intriguing moments.
Chris Jericho needed over 10 minutes to beat Christian, who tapped
out to the Walls of Jericho faster than Scott Hall did to Bret Hart's
Sharpshooter at Royal Rumble 1992.
Scott Hall: Hey yo. Why you gotta bring that up, meng?
John: Randy Orton easily undercut Jericho's time. In the Battle
of the Tiny Trunks, Orton beat Maven with the RKO in a little over
6 minutes. Randy seemed to bang up his neck pretty good when he
took a tumble from the apron into the ringside barricade and then
he hurt his back when he gave Maven a Russian legsweep on the floor.
Lita: Ouch. I hope Randy's okay.
Jeff: How exactly are you okay after you nearly killed yourself
against Trish three weeks ago?
Trish Stratus: You know what? I wish she did kill herself.
Christian: Who cares about Randy Orton?! What about me?! Did you
see the fall I took when Jericho launched me over the top rope onto
the floor? I could have been killed! How come no one's talking about
that?!
John: Anyway, I thought for a little while Eugene might throw a
monkeywrench into the works and take Edge's spot in the Elimination
Chamber, at least until next week, but all Eugene did was cost Edge
a chance at eclipsing Orton's time and the spot as the last man
released into the Chamber. It was pretty cool seeing Edge bust out
the Figure Four Edgelock to make Eugene tap.
John: Speaking of tapping, Chris Benoit had the unenviable task
of having Viscera's fat ass land on him several times before he
undercut Orton's time by making Big Vis tap out to the Crossface.
Then Batista had his way with Rhyno and made a big show of power
bombing him back to Sunday Night Heat in a little more than 3 minutes.
Triple H: What the hell was that?! He's not supposed to be the last
man in the Elimination Chamber!
Ric Flair: Relax! The big man knows that the only man! Who's gonna
walk out! The World Heavyweight Champion! Is Triple H. Right, big
man?
Batista: <smirks> Sure.
John: Batista is awesome. I think he's my favorite guy on RAW right
now. We're not quite sure what he's gonna do; on one hand, yes,
he wants to be World Champion, but he also repeatedly shows that
he's both loyal to Evolution and that he wants Triple H to stop
being the callow coward he has been recently. I'm dying to know
what Batista's thinking. Though he beat Shelton Benjamin, Triple
H failed to eclipse Batista's time and got even more bad news when
Eric Bischoff announced that the special guest referee for the Elimination
Chamber will be Shawn Michaels!
Jeff: I don't know if anyone keeps track of such things,
but Shawn Michaels has to be far and away the career leader in special
guest referee appearances. Who's even close? Foley? Austin? They're
all a bunch of Lou Brocks to Shawn Michaels's Rickey Henderson.
And just like Rickey, he's still at it. Unlike Rickey, he's not
at it with NWA TNA.
Rickey Henderson: Man, why you got to be like that to Rickey? Rickey
can still run. Rickey can still score. Rickey can still get on base.
Rickey still got that style. Rickey not so interested in playing
left field, but the major leagues are gonna be calling come spring.
Jeff: I can see why Triple H's confidence is a little shaken. Batista's
bigger, stronger, more popular, more confident, and even a little
bit tanner. But at least the Game can take some solace in the fact
that his ring entrance poses are significantly less gay than big
Dave's.
THE GREY MAN
John: I'm liking the new Eric Bischoff a lot. Ever since Eugene
shaved his head grey at Taboo Tuesday, Bischoff has been undergoing
a change of heart. Eric Bischoff Black was strictly a heel GM and
used to get on his knees and blow Triple H every week...
Ric Flair: Who wouldn't?! Wooo! Triple H is the man! Look at that
body! Look at him! He's God's gift to wrestling! My best friend!
My mentor! By God, Triple H is the greatest!
John: Eric Bischoff Grey doesn't really see things that way anymore.
Ric Flair: WHAAAT?!
John: Eric no longer sucks up to Evolution and caters to their every
whim. He's no longer a Triple H fan and doesn't think much of him.
Batista: He's not the only one.
Triple H: What was that?
Batista: <smirks> Nothing.
John: However, Bischoff hasn't overtly shown any favoritism to the
babyfaces, except for Shawn Michaels, whom he seems to love now
for some reason. And Eric doesn't seem to care for his old allies
anymore, giving the Coach the icy stare and the cold shoulder.
Jonathan Coachman: Boss, my man! It's me, the Coach!
Johnny Nitro: I'm still his apprentice, right?
Jeff: Did I actually hear some cheering for Bischoff at the beginning
of Raw? I never, ever thought that was possible. His character shift
is a welcome change on Raw. It took them four or five years, but
they finally figured out that the evil owner/comissioner/GM angle
is as stale as, um, a really stale thing.
Jim Ross: I've got a redneck metaphor you can borrow if you need
it, son.
Jeff: What do you have?
Jim Ross: How about "as stale as the bread at a two dollar
steakhouse."
Jeff: I like it.
THE GREAT DEBATES
John: Muhammad Hassan's music is awesome. Normally, to me, Middle
Eastern music sounds like someone scraping a chalkboard with his
nails while rubbing styrofoam together with his feet, only more
unlistenable. Jim Johnston again proved his musical genius by melding
a bad ass beat to the Middle Eastern "singing". Muhammad
Hassan and Khosrow Daivari (Look! We spelled their names right!)
debuted on RAW much like Chris Jericho did five years ago, by interrupting
an established superstar cutting a promo in the ring. Two weeks
ago, Hassan interrupted Mick Foley's shilling for Tales of Wrescal
Lane and Smackdown in Iraq. Foley and Hassan proceeded to have a
spirited debate regarding the cowardace of our soliders and the
treatment of Arab Americans in our current cultural climate. This
week, Hassan interrupted Stacy Keibler's Babe of the Year announcement
before storming the announce booth and smacking some feeling into
the formerly frozen left side of Jim Ross' face.
Jerry Lawler: You're bleeding, J.R.!
Jim Ross: King, when you've been busted open by your best friend
Stone Cold Steve Austin in front of your hometown fans in Tulsa,
a little cut on the cheek doesn't bother me much.
John: Hassan stormed Eric Bischoff's office to continue his constant
complaining and got booked into a debate next week between himself
and Daivari vs. J.R. and the King. But during that little exchange,
the only thing I could think of was: look at the size of Hassan's
ears! The guy has elephant ears. He could probably flap those things
and lift off. You know what they say about guys with big ears.
Jeff: Yeah, they have big pecs. Seriously, Muhammad Hassan is nothing
but ears, pecs, and Arab-American anger.
John: Don't forget his big nose.
Jeff: I'm sure J.R. and the King will do a terrific job representing
their redneck brothers, but I can't say I'm not disappointed that
Scott Steiner is no longer on the Raw roster. Now there was a master
debater.
Scott Steiner: The Big Bad Booty Daddy don't need to masturbate.
Alls I gotta do is find me a freak, put her on a leash, and get
my release.
Jeff: So why did WCW go out of business again?
Donald Trump: It wasn't classy enough. Where was the gold? Where
was the Trump name? Where was the gorgeous mane of orange hair?
Nowhere. And that's where they are.
LOOK OUT, DIANE SAWYER
Maria: Hey Randy, I was wondering what your thoughts were about
competing in the Elimination match at ...New... Year's... Revolution?
John: Ugh, terrible. Giving poor Maria all those weeks
off from backstage interviewing didn't do her any favors. Still,
she's so hot, I can forgive her lack of broadcast journalism skills.
Mean Gene Okerlund: What? You've gotta be kidding me! John Orquiola,
I can't believe it!
John: Hey, weren't you forgiven for when you yelled "Fuck it!"
on live TV after the Summerslam 1990 sign fell while you were interviewing
Ravishing Rick Rude?
Mean Gene Okerlund: What? You remember that? You've gotta be kidding
me!
John: I suspected when Eugene poured chocolate milk over Maria a
few weeks ago, it was a rib for her being a lousy interviewer. If
they want to make a routine of dousing Maria and wetting her down
every time she does a bad job interviewing, I could get behind that.
Here's an even better idea: strip interviewing. Maria has to lose
an article of clothing every time she flubs her lines.
Jerry Lawler: That's a genius idea! I love it!
The Genius: That's not my idea! But if Randy Orton's included in
the strip interviewing game, I could certainly get behind it.
Jeff: Not to get too old school on anyone...
The Undertaker: Watch it, boy.
Jeff: No, I meant in a more curmudgeony way.
Roddy Piper: Preach it, brother.
Jeff: This is what's wrong with modern wrestling booking. There's
no reason at all why that Randy Orton interview had to be scripted.
Sweet, beautiful, little Maria was obviously having trouble remembering
the exact wording of the line she was given, but she couldn't stop
since it was live TV and she ended up sounding like a retard.
Eugene: What did you say?
Jeff: Shut up for a minute. In a situation like that, all you have
to tell the girl to do is ask Randy if he's nervous about not knowing
who his opponent is. Have her put it however she wanted that sounded
natural to her; the exact wording was irrelevant. But someone's
micromanaging every segment and they ended up with sub-public access
level delivery on national television. The same can be said of Orton
(who, after his match with Maven, still seems to be holder of the
World's Smallest Trunks title). Tell him what he should be talking
about, not the words he should say. That's how they did it in the
old days. Wrestlers made their characters their own by coming up
with interview filler by themselves, and since the words came from
themselves, they came across as more believable to the audience.
Seriously, could you ever imagine anyone writing lines for Dusty
Rhodes?
Dusty Rhodes: Lemme tell you something, Jeffy G, Dusty
Rhodes the American Dream listens to no man! When the doctor told
me, "Dream, you gotta cut back on the ribs," you know
what the Dream did? The Dream went out and got hisself a new doctor.
Ain't no man gonna tell Dusty Rhodes how to eat, if you will. I
might be a little bit old, and my back side might be a little too
wide, but the American Dream can still get funky like a monkey,
daddy!
LOTTA STOPPIN' ME NOW
John: J.R. and the King haven't made a big deal out of this at
all, but I'm sure going to: Shelton Benjamin has been jobbing a
lot. He finally knows what it's like to stare up at the lights with
his shoulders on the mat for a three count. Ever since being drafted
onto RAW in April and then pinning Triple H to make his name, Shelton
had gone undefeated, beating the likes of Ric Flair, Chris Jericho
and Christian along the way. But now, finally, Shelton's jobbing
cherry has been popped. Two weeks ago in an otherwise meaningless
tag team match, Shelton, the Intercontinental Champion, was pinned
by Maven. Maven! This week, Triple H finally got back that loss
to Shelton by pinning him with the Pedigree.
Hollywood Hogan: That was good to see, brother. If I could just
get the Big Hulkamaniac in the Sky to send down that fat, stinky
Yokozuna for one more match, I could carve him up into a million
pieces of smelly sushi with the Big Leg, get rid of the one big
blight on my record, and bring all the stars in the sky back into
alignment with the red and yellow, brother!
Jeff: Don't forget about Shelton's old partner, Brock Lesnar. I'm
hearing he might quit the football dreams and come crawling back
to Vince. To teach him a lesson about bailing on the company, Vince
should book him to be squashed by Hollywood Hogan. And to teach
Hogan a lesson about bailing on the company, he should make him
wait until his second pay per view before giving him the World Championship.
It's tough but fair.
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