January 9, 2005
The nameplate came home.
Batista's a man of his word. Still waiting on that
face turn.
Six times! Six times! Six times! Six times! Six
times! Six times!
The rest of the show was hard on the eyes and for
Eugene and Lita, hard on the knees.
January 8, 2005
PETITIONS ARE COOL
John: Let’s get a little SmackDown! business out of the way
before we hit the pay per view preview. Carlito Caribbean Cool made
a New Year’s resolution to oust Theodore R. Long from his position
as General Manager. I guess the photographers and ringside crew
don’t much care for Long either since they jumped at the chance
to sign their John Hancocks on Carlito’s petition. If Carlito
wants to get underneath Long’s skin, he should start calling
him ‘Peanuthead.’ It worked 15 years ago.
Carlito Caribbean Cool: Thas kinda racist, meng. Thas not cool.
John: Well, what do you expect? It was a WCW redneck idea. Joy Giovanni
wouldn’t sign Carlito’s petition, probably since Long
was the one who hired her to be Big Show’s pretend girlfriend
on SmackDown! Carlito didn't appreciate Joy being so uncool.
John: Wrestling is the only place where spitting in a beautiful
woman’s face is funny. Well, I guess it’s funny anywhere,
but it’s marginally more acceptable on a wrestling show.
Jeff: I'd like to point out that Joy brings an entirely new meaning
to "MILF." The L doesn't stand for "like" or
even "love," with her it's "would kill to."
Kind of messes up the acronym, but would you look at that? Anyway,
Carlito's biting the apple is one of the best setups to an obvious
act I've ever seen. It takes forever, everyone knows what's coming,
but somehow it doesn't hurt the anticipation of the act at all.
He's also playing the completely self centered heel character to
perfection. To think the WWE probably wouldn't have even offered
him a job if he weren't a second generation wrestler. They'd just
dismiss him as too short and pudgy while giving a million dollars
to some kid who wins a contest.
WEBER OF DECEIT
John: I didn’t much care for angry, serious 2004 Kurt Angle
so it pleased me to see 2005 kick off with a welcome return of a
goofier Kurt Angle. JBL's image consultant Amy Weber tricked Kurt
into walking into Joy Giovanni taking a shower. Actually, all Amy
really did was trick Kurt into thinking Joy’s dressing room
was Amy’s. It was Kurt prerogative to remove his wedding ring,
go into the bathroom, strip down to his tiny green briefs, play
with his nipples, and jump in the shower. Joy ran screaming to her
fake boyfriend Big Show, who gallantly kicked the crap out of Angle,
Luther Reigns and Mark Jindrak. The year is young, but I’d
say we’ve already found the winner of the 2005 Biggest Erection
Award.
Jeff: Is there a profession anywhere else where you have to make
yourself look like an ass more than wrestling? Kurt Angle's always
getting duped and stripped naked. The announcers have to pretend
they have no idea how there could be a mistake. Joy and the Big
Show didn't even take a second to think that they might be getting
their strings pulled. And that's without even mentioning the systemic
retardation inherent in every referee. Everyone except Triple H
is a lot dumber than the audience. And that's very, very dumb.
HAPPY NEW YEAR'S REVOLUTION
John: It's the first pay per view of 2005, the first of the 700
WWE has scheduled. New Year's Revolution is also the first WWE pay
per view to emanate from Puerto Rico.
Chris Candido: No way I'd wrestle on that show. That place is Hell.
I'm never going back. Please don't make me. I'll work for free.
I'll take any booking! Just keep me in the States.
John: Easy, Chris. It is kind of strange that it's the RAW crew
doing this pay per view when SmackDown! has most of the Hispanic
wrestlers in the company. Nidia was released last year and she was
actually of Puerto Rican descent.
Bret Hart: It's a damn good thing Nidia got out of that WWE hellhole
before they forced her to lay down in Puerto Rico. Nidia losing
in Puerto Rico would be like raping the Nidia character.
John: I won't even make the natural follow up joke to that comment.
Anyway, looking at the RAW roster, Lillian Garcia has some Hispanic
in her and there's also Batista, although that's a Cuban name. But
where are Los Boricuas when you need them?
Jeff: If I had to guess, they're stealing someone's hubcaps.
Bobby Heenan: That's my line, humanoid.
MUHAMMAD HASSAN VS. JERRY "THE KING" LAWLER
John: The RAW announce team got their asses royally handed to them
at the Arab-American Debate on Monday. Normally, when J.R. and the
King join forces, they steamroll over their competition. I still
remember them handily whipping Tazz's ass in the summer of 2000.
Tazz: Hey, now, why you gotta bring that up? That's ancient history.
John: Muhammad Hassan is no Tazz, however. Tazz never got anything
over on J.R. and the King. I'd say Hassan and Daivari (great, just
when I learned how to spell Khosrow, they take his first name away)
handily won the debate and they decisively won the brawl after the
debate. So now 50+ year old Jerry Lawler will take on 20+ year old
Muhammad Hassan in Puerto Rico. For the King's sake, I hope Muhammad
has a fatal vulnerability to big right hands and piledrivers, or
else the King's in for a tough night.
Prediction: Muhammad Hassan has been taking his fistdrop and piledriver
vitamins.
Jeff: I've been looking forward to seeing Muhammad Hassan wrestle
for while now. He's a good looking guy, he's in great shape.
Tazz: He's a stud, Cole.
Jeff: Exactly. And he cuts a hell of a promo, reacting to the crowd
exactly as he should. If he can work a match half as well as he
does that, then he's going to be a huge star. Unfortunately, a match
with Jerry Lawler isn't exactly the place to show off your skills.
I suppose he could show off his countering skills by pulling Lawler's
strap back up after he pulls it down.
Prediction: We'll all be having flashbacks to Hacksaw Jim Duggan
versus Yokozuna
KANE VS. GENE SNITSKY
John: Kane and Lita are reunited and it feels so good. Well, actually,
we don't know how Lita feels about Kane. Unless she has a short
memory, which is entirely likely after she landed on her head last
month, Kane saving her from Snitsky and Trish breaking her neck
again probably doesn't even out with raping her and forcing her
to marry him.
 
Gene Snitsky: It's not my fault!
John: Well, Snitsky's right, he had nothing to do with Kane and
Lita getting together. But Snitsky did put Kane out of commission
for three months and he did kill their baby. This is the big rematch
from Taboo Tuesday, which was a really horrible thing to have to
sit through, but memorable only for Snitsky's dominance and Kane's
ineffectiveness. I hope all that time on the DL lit a fire under
Kane's ass for this match.
The Undertaker: Hell, boy, Kane got my number, I'd've lit that
fire personally.
John's Prediction: Kane does his wife and dead baby proud.
Jeff: I don't like Snitsky. He's difficult to look at, listen to,
and watch wrestle. About the only thing he does well is stick a
needle in his ass. Still, the WWE has gotten pretty much everything
out of him they could have ever hoped to, having him step in for
Matt Hardy after he got hurt. There isn't anything else for him
to do, so let Kane kill him and send him off to a lucrative career
of indy appearances teaming with Big Rick Fuller.
Prediction: I don't get my wish
WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: WILLIAM REGAL & EUGENE VS. CHRISTIAN
& TYSON TOMKO
John: I haven't really been paying attention to this. I think Christian's
gotten a couple of wins over Eugene in singles action. Is that how
Christian and Tomko got a tag title shot? Whatever. In other news,
William Regal is secretly a Lindsay
Lohan fan.
William Regal: She's quite a curvaceous little strumpet, isn't
she?
Eugene: She has big boobies!
William Regal: No, no! Think pure thoughts, dear boy.
Jeff: And they're not even as big as they were before.
That's so lame.
John: Eugene may be retarded, but he's shown a healthy interest
in girls. He likes Christy, who seems to like him back, but in that
trying to be friendly way girls have when they just want to be polite,
not in that way where she'd let Eugene… What's the euphemism
I'm looking for? …Ah! …Stick his dick in her.
Prediction: I'm totally right about Christy.
Jeff: For those of you who don't get it, by "dick" John
means "erect penis." I know it's kind of hard to keep
up with the slang the kids use these days. I don't really have much
to say about this match other than that Christian's new ringwear
is pretty sweet.
Prediction: Oh, I don't know. The champs retain, I guess.
INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: SHELTON BENJAMIN VS. MAVEN
John: Maven opened my eyes a little while he was doing color on
RAW. His high-pitched Southern voice and promo delivery kind of
clicked with me. I could see how this heel turn could pay off for
him. Maven's a freshly-scrubbed, pressed trousers, starched shirt
kind of guy, he could probably slowly evolve into a bit of a metrosexual
and get over. In fact, he and Shelton might even be a good fit if
they hung out together. Maven could be the slick talker and the
money and Shelton could be the one with the talent and ability.
They'd balance each other's weaknesses. It could work. What won't
work? This match. Unless it's short, then it won't be quite as noticeable.
Prediction: Maven blows though his four moves early, then he'll
just blow.
Jeff: You can see what the WWE's liked about Maven all these years.
He's a good looking kid who can talk, making him great for live
appearances and such. But by God does he fucking suck in the ring.
He's obviously athletic, but he's shown no ability at all to learn
what goes into working a decent match. I don't know if it's because
he's wrestled nothing but curtain jerker five minute jobs his entire
career or if he just lacks the ability to get it. Either way, he's
so far from being competent it's pathetic.
Prediction: It will be like watching a black Sting wrestle a beige
Tom Zenk.
WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: LITA VS. TRISH STRATUS
John: One thing has become clear since Lita won the Women's Title
from Trish: their half of the Women's Division is much stronger
than the other half. Lita thoroughly squashed Molly a couple of
weeks ago, a far cry from their Survivor Series 2003 match where
Molly shut Lita's comeback from neck surgery right down. Meanwhile,
Trish has pulled a hat trick on Victoria, pinning her on Heat twice
and taking her completely apart on RAW this week. Both women have
tons of momentum going into this big rematch. This is will likely
be the best singles match on this entire pay-per-view. Let's see
if the girls can top themselves.
John: Trish sex-peats.
 
Jeff: The lack of women wrestlers on Raw has become painfully apparent
the last few weeks. If Trish has a match, she's wrestling Victoria.
If Lita's wrestling, it's against Molly. Is that so much better
than when it was just Alundra Blayze and Bertha Faye?
Lrrr: Yes, but not by enough.
Jeff: Exactly. It's nice to have Trish and Lita at the top, especially
since they finally figured out that they can have a much better
match if they slow things down a little, but after this one, the
division's in dire need of some fresh faces.
Prediction: Lita retains
ELIMINATION CHAMBER MATCH FOR THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
WITH SPECIAL REFEREE SHAWN MICHAELS: BATISTA VS. TRIPLE H VS. CHRIS
BENOIT VS. CHRIS JERICHO VS. RANDY ORTON VS. EDGE
John: One of these six men is going to be the undisputed World
Heavyweight Champion. From an experience standpoint, Triple H and
Chris Jericho have an advantage as both men have wrestled in every
Elimination Chamber since its inception. They know their way around
the big steel birdcage. Randy Orton wrestled in the Chamber at Summerslam
2003, so he knows what to expect as well. This leaves Edge and Chris
Benoit at a huge disadvantage, as the only other Chamber virgin…
Ric Flair: Wooo! You know what happens to virgins in the Elimination
Chamber?! They sweat, they holler, and by God they bleed! Woooo!
Triple H! Triple H! My best friend! My mentor! The greatest body!
The greatest of all time!! Make 'em bleed! Wooo!
John: Like I was saying, Batista has never been in the Elimination
Chamber but has the luxury of being the last man to enter the match
since he won Beat the Clock.
Ric Flair: Batista! Batista! Big man, you know what to do! At the
end of the night, your role is to make sure that Triple H! Is once
again! World Champion!
Batista: Sure, Ric. I know what to do.
John: The other X factor in the match is the special referee Shawn
Michaels, the winner of the first-ever Elimination Chamber. Most
of these men hate him and vice versa. What role will he play in
the outcome? Besides counting the three for the deciding fall, I
mean.
Prediction: The World Title comes home to Triple H and everything
is back to normal.
Jeff: The first 20 minutes of this one is just a preliminary to
Batista's being released from his chamber, at which point he'll
go nuts and squash a few people in short order. I'm looking at you,
Edge, Jericho, and Benoit. After they're gone, how will Batista
himself be eliminated? Sledgehammer? Superkick? Both are satisfying
in their own way. I'll be happy as long as it doesn't somehow lead
to Randy Orton as the new champ.
Prediction: The "Triple H" nameplate finds its way back
home.
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