January 31, 2005
RUMBLE, YOUNG MAN, RUMBLE
John: Fans, do we have a treat for you. Normally, we preview every
WWE pay per view. We didn't bother to preview the Royal Rumble.
Instead, we did something better. Using Back of the Head's corporate
account, Jeff and I procured the finest digital equipment and made
the trip to Fresno to witness the Royal Rumble first hand. All to
bring you, our loyal fans, a Royal Rumble review and exclusive photos
you can't see anywhere else.
Jeff: Keep in mind this is all new equipment, and we're trying our
hardest to work out all the kinks. Still, there are a few pictures
that are a little blurry, probably due to the incredilbly fast pace
of the action. Sports photography is a very difficult endeavor and
we have a new found respect for the professionals in the field.
EDGE PINNED SHAWN MICHAELS
John: There must have been some foul ups and miscommunication in
the back. Apparently, Edge didn't get the memo that Shawn Michaels
never gets pinned except by Triple H. I think I prefer Edge bitching
to Edge actually accomplishing his goals, but he scored one of the
biggest wins of his career when he pulled HBK's tights and grabbed
the ropes to keep Michaels' shoulders on the mat for the three count.
John: Michaels opened the match by throwing Edge over the top rope
a bunch of times to illustrate just how easily he could be eliminated
from the Royal Rumble match itself. I guess Edge learned the lesson
well because he ended up lasting until the final four. About midway
in the match, Edge speared Michaels on the arena floor and that
was pretty much it. HBK never quite got it together after he took
that spear. Edge even did a fantastic counter of the Sweet Chin
Music, turning it into an electric chair, which he hasn't used since
he was a deaf mute.
Jeff: The best part about that match was when half
the crowd turned on Shawn Michaels for kicking out after the second
spear. They still love Shawn and hate Edge, but they didn't like
seeing Edge's finisher weakened like that. There's only one man
the fans enjoy seeing that from.
Hollywood Hogan: That's right, brother!
Jeff: But overall, it was a pretty huge night for
Edge. He got the one of the cleanest pins a non-Triple H heel can
get and lasted 40 minutes in the Rumble. He's in great position
to be a challenger for Batista's World Title after WrestleMania.
EDDIE GUERRERO STEALS RIC FLAIR'S WALLET
John: The backstage skits were extremely entertaining all night.
Christian totally served John Cena in their impromptu rapped battle,
until Cena served him back by insinuating Christian and Tyson Tomko
were homosexual lovers in his rap. It's on! Carlito Caribbean Cool
didn't dare spit an apple in Batista's face when he refused to sign
his petition. General Managers Eric Bischoff and Theodore R. Long
hung out together all night, overseeing Christy Hemme and Torrie
Wilson's conducting the number draws for the Rumble, and arguing
over which brand is better (RAW). Gene Snitsky and Heidenreich had
another backstage meeting of the minds. But the best shit was clearly
Ric Flair drawing number 30 and then Eddie Guerrero picking his
pocket for the number and stealing Flair's wallet.
Ric Flair: WHAT?!
Triple H: Give it back, jumping bean!
Jeff: At least he didn't call him a wetback. Although if El Paso
native Eddie Guerrero were to get his back wet, he'd be crossing
the Rio Grande back into Mexico. Anyway, the skits were really good
on the show. Everyone seems to shine when they get to play with
the kids from the other show. If they could just bottle a little
of that mojo and bring it to the Tuesday night TV tapings, Smackdown
might not be so completely unwatchable.
CASKET MATCH: THE UNDERTAKER DEFEATED HEIDENREICH
John: Jeff called it in our last update
and I was in denial about it actually happening, but all the evidence
was there. Heidenreich and Snitsky have been hanging out backstage
at every cross-brand pay per view. When the crowd audibly groaned
early in the casket match, I thought Big Boss Man had risen from
the dead. But no, it was Snitsky, running in to help his new running
buddy Heidenreich out against the Undertaker. It also explained
why the lid of the casket at ringside kept rising up slightly during
Snitsky's run in, as Kane emerged from the casket to even the odds
and fight Snitsky all the way to the back. It really will be Snitsky
and Heidenreich vs. the Brothers of Destruction at WrestleMania
21, damn it.
Jeff: I hate to say, "I told you so." Really, I hate to
say it because I didn't want to be right about that match. At least
Snitsky and Heidenreich are better than Nathan Jones and won't be
written out of the match right before it happens. But when the best
you can say about the team is "better than Nathan Jones,"
it's better not to say anything at all.
John: Heidenreich is shitty but he has better matches with Undertaker
than his boyfriend Snitsky has with Kane. That's not surprising.
You can learn a lot working against the Undertaker. What can you
learn from Kane that you wouldn't forget anyway when Kane drops
you on your head? I kind of like how Heidenreich yells out his name
with every three punch combo.
Heidenreich: Hei! Den! Reich!
John: Yes, you sure are. Undertaker gave Heidenreich the Tombstone
and stuffed him in the casket for a rare Royal Rumble win.
 
John: It's the right finish, but this is the Undertaker and the
Royal Rumble so you never know. His track record at this show is
as lousy as his WrestleMania record is magnificent. Tenryu and Kitao
could have returned to help Heidenreich kill the Undertaker again
and I wouldn't have been surprised.
Jeff: That's what this card was missing: random filler.
The Honky Tonk Man: I know you all want to hear me sing my song!
Jeff: Damn right I do. Now that they're running two promotions separately,
the WWE doesn't need to bring in a Doug Gilbert, Tenryu, or Carlos
Colon to fill out the Rumble, and I think they're weaker for it.
I've always wondered how an international star I've only barely
known of would fare against the WWE's best, and the Rumble was my
chance to find out then quickly forget.
TRIPLE THREAT MATCH FOR THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP: JBL DEFEATED KURT
ANGLE AND THE BIG SHOW
John: Ten thousand run-ins helped drag this thing to the finish
line. Mark Jindrak, Luther Reigns, Orlando Jordan, and the Basham
twins all made appearances to help their respective bosses out.
The only set of twins I wanted to see, belonging to Joy Giovanni,
stayed in the back.
Kurt Angle: You keep your deputy in line next time!
JBL: Orlando is not my deputy. He's the chief of staff. You better
control your neanderthal and your metrosexual.
John: Overall, this turned out to be pretty watchable. Show dominated
the early minutes. Even at a shell of his former self from his numerous
injuries, Angle can still deliver ill-advised feats of Herculean
strength, like Angle Slamming the Show.
 
John: They did two crazy bumps to break down the match to one on
ones. Show did a nasty fall into the Spanish announce table and
later Show speared JBL through the ringside barricade. JBL came
back with the help of his cabinet and scored a clean pin with a
clothesline from Hell.
 
John: JBL continues to maintain his stranglehold on the belt against
all odds. Actually, the odds are usually in his favor since he has
the most guys helping him out.
Jeff: JBL and Kurt Angle have shown the proper way of picking members
of their stable. Quantity's always better than quality if all you
need are flunkies.
Raven: I could have told you that.
Jeff: Triple H made the mistake of surrounding himself with Orton
and Batista, two guys who could reasonably challenge him. Angle
and JBL have no such threat.
Orlando Jordan: What are you talking about, man? I mean, one day,
I might, you know, possibly...
Jeff: No you won't.
Orlando Jordan: I know.
John: The B in JBL still stands for Bradshaw and the Bradshaw in
him came out as he got pretty drunk with his Cabinet celebrating
after the match. Eric Bischoff rightly made fun of Theodore R. Long
for all of the outside interference and Long took his shame out
on the champion. JBL's revelrie ended with the sobering news that
he has to defend the WWE Title against the Big Show in a barbed
wire steel cage match at No Way Out.
Mean Gene Okerlund: What? A barbed wire cage match?! You gotta be
kidding me! Theodore R. Long! I can't believe it!
Jeff: Seriously. Is that any way to treat a wrestling god like JBL?
Trapping him inside a steel cage with the Big Show? It's like David
versus Goliath, except this time Goliath is the babyface. There's
only one explanation for it: Teddy Long is a racist who hates redneck
Texans.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: TRIPLE H PINNED RANDY ORTON
 
John: Heterosexual men, what is your problem with Randy Orton?
Why won't you cheer such a handsome, talented young stallion? What
is it about this good looking, chiseled, successful young stud that
you can't seem to get behind him? Orton had a rough night and most
of the crowd cheering for Triple H was the least of his problems.
Triple H thoroughly had his way with the Legend Killer and sent
him packing. Orton was pretty much dominated by The Game and was
on queer street after Triple H blocked a DDT and the back of Orton's
head collided with the mat.
The Ghost of Gorilla Monsoon: He landed right on the external occipital
protuberance!
John: There wasn't much left in Orton's tank after that. Triple
H brought out the sledgehammer but he didn't even need it. Orton
was as limp as a wet noodle when Triple H stuffed his head between
his legs for the Pedigree.
Jeff: Of course Orton was limp at that point. He'd
already blown his load in the first few minutes of the match. That's
why Triple H is the best, he doesn't jump right on his man to start
things out. He takes it slow and maintains a steady rhythm all the
way through, leaving him with enough left in the tank to explode
all over his opponent for the big finish.
BATISTA WINS THE ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH ITSELF
John: Royal Rumbles are usually really good, but this one was exceptionally
well-written. The show was running long so they went with the 90-second
intervals, which is ideal. The pace never lagged and there were
a ton of mini-stories throughout to keep things interesting.
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
John: Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit were number one and number
two. Tough Enough Champion Daniel Puder had the misfortune of drawing
three. Judging from his ring attire, Luther Reigns gave Puder the
secret combination he has to Goldberg's old locker. At least Goldberg's
gear is seeing action even if Goldberg isn't. Puder had the rank
stupidity to get on the house mic and announce he would win the
Rumble. Puder was in his hometown so as is policy, something terrible
had to happen to him. In this case, the Radicalz and Hardcore Holly
took turns chopping the shit out of Puder's chest. Puder cried like
a baby after every flesh-ripping chop and I can't blame him. Puder
can take solace that he can buy some new pectorals with that million
bucks he won.
Jeff: There are few things more satisfying than seeing a cocky punk
kid get his ass whooped by the old vets.
Daniel Puder: Eh, it's not so great.
Jeff: At least now Puder has a game plan for next year's Royal Rumble:
try not to get chopped a thousand times in the first two minutes.
If he keeps picking up little pieces of information like that, he'll
be the first ever Tough Enough champion to win the Royal Rumble,
in 2015.
Maven: Not if I win the Royal Rumble first!
John: Jackie Gayda has a better shot of winning it before you do.
SMACKDOWN! VS. RAW VS. MUHAMMAD HASSAN
John: WWE finally took the "friendly rivalry" between
RAW and SmackDown! a step further. Once the ring filled up with
some quality guys like Chris Jericho, Edge, Rey Mysterio and Shelton
Benjamin, the GMs showed up at ringside and egged their respective
boys on as the wrestlers divided themselves by show and went at
it.
John: Then in a blatant act of anti-Arab Americanism that was just
sickening, the eight superstars stopped fighting when Muhammad Hassan
entered the Rumble. They swarmed on Hassan, beat the shit out of
him and crowd surfed him over the top rope and onto the floor. Damn
it, he was my pick! Hassan is really gonna let us all have it when
he cuts his promo on RAW tonight. He took some of his frustration
out on poor Scotty 2 Hotty and prevented him from even making it
to the ring.
Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker: I feel for Scotty 2 Hotty.
Jeff: Just for that disgusting display of racism, I hope Daivari
finds three microphones at ringside to use during Hassan's next
match. His screams of encouragement should be loud enough to be
heard by the Smackdown crew in whatever city they happen to be in,
permanently etching themselves in the memories of all those who
unfairly targeted a fellow American like that.
John: Actually, they're all taping in the same city tonight. Both
brands are touring the far east this week and are running combined
house show and TV tapings. But I imagine the SmackDown! guys haven't
been enjoying how incredibly loud Daivari is when he sings in the
shower.
HEARTBROKEN
John: I guess the Edge feud is pretty much over. Shawn Michaels
never really hooked up with Edge in the Rumble to get revenge for
his loss at the start of the show. Kurt Angle threatened Nunzio
with bodily harm if he didn't give him his spot in the Rumble, but
Angle had barely even broken a sweat when Michaels superkicked him
out of the match.
John; Angle freaked out, charged the ring, eliminated Michaels,
and then nearly crippled him with the Ankle Lock on the arena floor.
John: If you were Japanese, you saw this coming a
mile away, as it was teased in Tokyo during a press conference,
but it looks like Shawn Michaels and Kurt Angle will take the dream
match spot at WrestleMania 21.
Jeff: I don't remember the last time Shawn Michaels
had a night that bad. Even when Triple H tried to kill him with
a sledgehammer a couple of years ago, he'd already won their match.
He got pretty much squashed by Edge and left beaten and bloody by
Angle. I guess he should have prayed harder.
BE FAIR TO FLAIR
John: When Batista hit the ring, the arena literally exploded.
He made short work of Gene Snitsky and Chris Jericho, but saved
some for Ric Flair, who drew number thirty. Batista annihilated
Chris Benoit, Christian and Jonathan Coachman and then fed them
to Flair to be tossed over. Evolution was on fire and Flair danced
around the ring - before sneaking up behind Batista and failing
to toss him out. Batista looked genuinely hurt at Flair's betrayal,
but if he'd just listen to Ric, I'm sure he has a good explanation
for why he tried to eliminate his Evolution team mate.
Ric Flair: It was Triple H! He told me to it! He's our leader, our
mentor! If he tells me to do something, by God, I've gotta do it!
Jeff: Batista totally overreacted. Flair was just
giving him a good pat on the back for a job well done and somehow
Big Dave thought he was trying to eliminate him. That's the kind
of thing Triple H has been on Batista about for the last few weeks.
Batista's been so paranoid that he can't tell the difference between
motivation and getting stabbed in the back.
Sting: He'll learn pretty quick.
BIG DAVE VS. LITTLE JOHN
John: Edge, John Cena, Batista and Rey Mysterio as the final four
was pretty cool. All four of them are newer guys and they all deserve
a shot at spots at the top of the card. The fans were behind both
Batista and Cena. Cena did pretty well for himself, taking out Kane
and Viscera, while Edge had lasted the longest of the final four
and notched Eddie Guerrero and Ric Flair among his eliminations.
It broke down to John Cena vs. Batista in the final and they did
a flashback to the Royal Rumble 1994 finish where both men flew
over the top rope and the referees each declared a different winner.
Then Mr. McMahon ran out and personally flashed back to New Year's
Revolution by blowing out his knee trying to enter the ring. In
the end, Batista overpowered Cena and won the Royal Rumble, delivering
what everyone expected and wanted to see the most. I'm sure Triple
H will welcome his new number one contender with open arms tonight.
Jeff: And why wouldn't he? They have the WrestleMania
main event locked up as an all-Evolution affair, guaranteeing that
the belt stays within the group. And since Triple H already has
that name plate on it, it really only makes sense for Batista to
lay down for him and leave the belt right where it is. They just
need to come up with the proper farcical match, either a Hogan-Nash
fingerpoke of doom or a Michaels-Triple H slow-mo catch as catch
can classic. I'm sure the fans will love whatever choice they make
as their main event.
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