|
|
HOGAN IS HOLLYWOOD
February 10, 2005
Hollywood Hogan: Well you know something, brother, when all the
little dudes here at Back of the Head called up my manager the Mouth
of the South Jimmy Hart and asked if I'd be interested in injecting
this website with a kajillion cc's of stargazing Hulkamania, I had
only one answer for them. I said, "Listen up, you squeaky little
mouse, you tell those dudes that Hollywood Hogan doesn't do anything
for free." I gave those little dudes my asking price per appearance
and I never heard from them again. That was that, dudes, until Nitro
Nick checked out this website one day and he said to me, "you
know what this site needs, brother, is Hollywood Hogan." I
checked it out and saw that this site is twitching around like the
Hod Rod Roddy Piper whenever I drop the big leg on him, brother.
I thought about it for a Hulkasecond and I decided that I would
grace this website with my presence as long as they meet my demandments,
dude. I have Six Demandments now, that everyone on Back of the Head
trains, says their prayers, eats their vitamins, believes in themselves,
and most importantly believes in Hulk Hogan. And the Sixth Demandment
is pretty simple: Hollywood Hogan has to be the guy on top, the
number one spot on this website, brother. So now I want to welcome
all of you Back of the Headites to my new section: Hogan is
Hollywood, brother! Since I see all and know all, I'll be talking
about whatever is going on in the world of pop culture. Helping
me out will be this scrawny little mouse from Back of the Head.
What's your name, brother?
John: I'm John. It's an honor to get to work with you. I've been
a Hulkamaniac since I was a little kid.
Hollywood Hogan: Uh huh. Well, let me tell you something, Jittery
John, why don't you go ahead and feed me some talk about what's
happening in Hollyweird so we can get this thing going, brother?
GRAMMY GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
Hollywood Hogan: What the hell is that, brother?
John: What's what?
Hollywood Hogan: What's this "Grammy Got Run Over By a Reindeer"
gaga, dude? It's not Christmas time.
John: Well, that's what we do on this site. We use funny subject
headings.
Hollywood Hogan: You're gonna have to be a lot more clever than
that, brother. Hollywood Hogan doesn't go for that cutey-wutesy
crap, little dude. Anyway, what about the Grammys, brother?
John: The Grammys are this Sunday. Kanye West leads the pack with
10 nominations including Album of the Year and Best New Artist while
Alicia Keys and Usher have 8 nominations a piece. Green Day has
6 nominations for "American Idiot", including Album of
the Year and Record of the Year. In addition, The Black Eyed Peas,
Maroon5, Franz Ferdinand, and Gwen Stefani and Eve, among others,
will be performing. Gwen and Eve will probably perform their atrocious
song "Rich Girls." That song is vile.
Hollywood Hogan: Let me tell you something, brother, when my daughter
Brooke Hogan was snubbed for a Grammy nomination, my blood was boiling.
I was madder than the time Mr. Fuji threw salt in my eyes so that
nasty, stinky Yokozuna - God rest his soul - could beat me for the
WWF Title, brother. Not only should Brooke Hogan be performing at
the Grammys and blow the entire audience and the millions of viewers
watching on TV away, she should have been a lock to win Best New
Artist, Record of the Year and Song of the Year, brother. She should
be nominated and sweep every single category. Have you heard Brooke's
song, "Everything to Me?"
John: Actually, yes, I hear it all the time in movie theatre lobbies.
Hollywood Hogan: It might be the best pop song ever written, brother.
It even puts Hulk Hogan and The Wrestle Boot Band to shame - there
I said it, brother! I get teary eyed every time I hear it because
Brooke Hogan should be running wild all over the radio every hour
of every day. Since I've been looking out for Brooke's music career
and guiding her to the top of the mountain day by day, I've been
working day and night scouting all her competition. Kanye West,
Usher, Gwen Stefani, they're all talented but none of them are in
Brooke Hogan's league, brother. But Brooke gets snubbed for a Grammy.
Let me tell the Recording Academy something: Whatcha gonna do when
Hollywood Hogan snubs and boycotts you? What else you got, brother?
BABY, I'M AMAZED
John: Well, the Super Bowl was this past weekend, and after the
ridiculous controversy of Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction last
year, Sir Paul McCartney was widely praised for his halftime performance
that was family friendly and 'safe'.
Hollywood Hogan: It put me to sleep, brother. What the Super Bowl
half time needs is some genuine excitement. When 300 billion people
are watching -
John: There aren't that many people on Earth, Hollywood.
Hollywood Hogan: Don't ever interrupt me again, little dude. The
Super Bowl TV signal gets beamed all across the universe, brother.
The last thing all those alien Hulkamaniacs and all my Hulkamaniacs
here on Earth want to see is some geriatric trying to play a young
man's game. A young woman's game, actually, dude. I hate to sound
like a broken record, but if they wanted some excitement for the
half time show, they should have listened to me and booked Brooke
Hogan to perform. She'd electrify audiences young and old and would
redeem pop music, which has gotten a bad rap ever since Janet Jackson
couldn't keep her nasty, stinky pierced nipple in her bra, brother.
Sir Paul McCartney's a dinosaur, his time has come and gone, brother.
I laughed out watching him at his piano, wheezing into the microphone
trying to bring back his old glory days. Give it up, Sir Paul. It's
over, brother.
THE SIMPLE WIFE
John: Some news from "The Simple Life" star Nicole Richie,
she's getting married to her DJ boyfriend Adam Goldstein. The couple
hasn't set a wedding date.
Hollywood Hogan: That won't last, brother. I hate to be a pessimist,
but Nicole Richie is a hot, sexy young TV star with a hit show on
FOX. She'll be out on the road hangin' and bangin' with Paris Hilton
while her husband Adam Goldberg will be sittin' at home spinning
his records and waiting for her show to come on so he can find out
where she's been and what she's been doing. That's a divorce just
waiting to happen, if they even make it to the altar, brother.
John: Wow, not too optimistic about their chances.
Hollywood Hogan: I call it like I see it, brother.
LOVE AND MARRIAGE
John: A couple of other famous young married couples are dealing
with rumors of problems in their relationships. Nick Lachey and
Jessica Simpson are constantly being rumored to be nearing a breakup
over the pressures of their MTV show and how they are supposedly
cheating on each other on the side. Now, there are rumors coming
out that Britney Spears is growing less than happy with her new
husband Kevin Federline. Apparently Kevin has been going out on
his own a lot and partying like he's still single, going out drinking
at strip clubs, while he's upset with the huge amount of attention
Britney pays to her three dogs, building them rooms in her house
and decorating them. I can't believe I'm even talking about shit
like this.
Hollywood Hogan: Watch your language, Jittery John. You're here
to feed me the stories and the millions and millions of Hulkamaniacs
that I'm turning into Back of the Headites with every word I speak
are here to find out what Hollywood Hogan has to say. Let me tell
you something about Nick and Jessica, brother. Marriage is hard
work, dude, and when you're world famous superstars, there are always
gonna be people looking to see you fail. The reason I've stayed
on top for forever and a day is because I know how to take a negative
and turn it into a positive. I don't watch "Newlyweds"
but I know Brooke does, and every now and then I catch Nasty Brian
Knobs and Brutus Beefcake parked on the couch watching it with her.
What really gets my do-rag in a knot is when Brooke's out of the
house and those no good, stinky freeloaders raid my fridge and park
themselves in front of my Hulkasized plasma screen TV all day long
watching their "Newlyweds" marathon, brother. Those moochers
are constantly eating me out of house and home. It really gets me
fired up, dude. Now, where was I, brother?
John: Uh, I'm not sure. Nick and Jessica, I think?
Hollywood Hogan: That's right, brother. Nick and Jessica seem to
have their heads on straight, dude. I think they can handle the
pressure and they'll make it all the way, brother. The only thing
that really gets me is that he's 30 and she's 24 and they've been
together for six years, which means that he was 24 when he was coming
after her at 18. If some 24 year old dude came after my teenage
daughter Brooke I'd tear my shirt off, Hulk Up, and show him where
the power lies, brother! I'd rip his arms off, shove them down his
throat and toss him into the ocean to be torn apart by great white
sharks! Brooke is 16! Let that be a warning to all you college age
dudes who think you can get in my daughter's pants! Not on my watch,
brother, never on my watch. As for Britney Spears, what Kevina Federline
needs to do is cut the crap, brother. Not only is he a married man
now, but he's married to Britney Spears, the most popular and famous
pop star in the universe, brother. He should get on his hands and
knees every day and thank the Big Hulkamaniac Upstairs that he won
the lottery of life, brother. He'd be the biggest idiot in the universe
if he messes that up. Hollywood's advice to Kevina Federline: stay
home and stick with your wife, brother!
LIVING IN, LIVING IN HOLLYWOOD'S SHADOW
John: Oh lordy, anyway, before we wrap things up, the last thing
on the agenda is Jessica's sister Ashlee Simpson, who had a very
special cameo in a recent episode of her MTV show: A certain Hollywood
Hulk Hogan.
Hollywood Hogan: That's right, brother. Even though Ashlee Simpson
is competion for my daughter Brooke, and even though she's about
as talented as my nephew Horace Hogan and has a singing voice like
the Macho Man gargling golf balls and razor blades, I still appeared
on her show out of the goodness of my heart, brother. I don't have
the Neilsen ratings handy, but I heard that when I came on the show,
the numbers for that night's "Ashlee Simpson Show" jumped
way up, brother. Usually Ashlee's show does something like a 2.0
in the ratings, but as I understand it, the moment Hollywood Hogan
showed his face, the rating shot up to a 9.3, brother. I put millions
and millions of asses parked in front of the MTV Wednesday night,
brother. I'm waiting for the thank you call from Ashlee Simpson,
so I can tell her that even though she got a taste of the power
of Hulkamania being on her side, she'd better watch her back, jack,
because this is the year Brooke Hogan takes her spot as the biggest
selling young pop star there ever was or ever will be! And Ashlee
Simpson, whatcha gonna do when Brooke Hogan runs wild on you?
|
