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February 16, 2005

IT'S ALL ABOUT YOUR LIFE, AND HOW I SAVED IT

John: Batista is only alive today thanks to Triple H. For this week's entire episode, the threat of JBL arriving at RAW and confronting Batista loomed. "JBL" never showed his face but his limosine nearly ran Batista over at the end of the show. Triple H managed to shove him out of the way into a conveniently placed pile of cardboard just in the nick of time. Maybe now Batista will see that he needs Evolution's help after all. Batista is part of a heel faction and hasn't turned yet but he acts like a babyface. He keeps refusing Evolution backup. He insisted on facing JBL alone and doing everything from tying his boots to hitting on Maria by himself.

John: Batista needs to remember he's part of a team. The best thing for Batista and for Evolution is for him to forget all about this crazy idea of facing Triple H at WrestleMania 21. What Batista needs to do is sign the big money offer with SmackDown! and beat JBL for the WWE Title so that Triple H's plan of Evolution controlling both World Titles can come to fruition. Batista said he'll make his decision next week as to which champion he will face at WrestleMania, but he's coming to SmackDown! on Thursday to face JBL and make him answer for trying to run him over. The beauty of this whole thing, what Triple H is doing, is the utter transparency of it.

Sting: I don't follow.

Jeff: Before we get to Triple H's plan, what's the deal with the new facial hair? He looks like a gigantic Lemmy. He and Batista together almost have a full beard. Anyway, completely transparent plans aren't always transparent when you're in the middle of them. Sometimes it takes an outsider's eye or watching on TV to really see what's going on. But if these wrestlers are anything like me, they don't feel like looking back on anything they've done after the fact, no mooter haw many mistakes they may have made. What's done is done.

A PLAN FIENDISHLY CLEVER IN ITS INTRICACIES

John: JBL hasn't really mentioned how he feels about being constantly mentioned on RAW and now framed for attempted murder. But then, he's been keeping busy with wacky schemes of his own. While over in Japan last week, JBL had planned to shoot Big Show with the same tranquilizer gun Kurt Angle used on him, but thanks to the buffonery of his Cabinet, he ended up taking the tranq himself. JBL then stumbled around punch drunk, slurring his speech, tried to fight an inflatable Godzilla and dropped trou in the ring before Big Show came out for an intervention. And then we learned it was all a trick!

Michael Cole: Wait, so the tranquilizer dart had no effect on JBL?

Tazz: Was he hit by the dart at all?

John: Anyway, the Cabinet jumped the Show who easily handed them all their asses, so that clever deception by JBL didn't work on any level. Neither the fans watching at home nor the live Japanese audience at Saitama Super Arena were terribly into it, and that's saying something since the Japanese fans ate up everything else with chopsticks. Next JBL will get that inflatable Godzilla to take his place in that barbed wire steel cage match with the Show at No Way Out. (Which by the way is on Sunday and only 3 matches have been announced.)

Jeff: So JBL had the gun at the arena, but instead of using it on the Show he came up with a hopelessly complex plan.

Scott Evil: Why didn't he just shoot him?

JBL: It's not so simple. I had to fake getting shot myself so I could trick the Big Show into another four on one situation. It's the most brilliant plan I've ever come up with.

Scott Evil: But you've tried that before and it never works. Seriously, you should have just shot him. Then you'd be able to do whatever you wanted to him.

JBL: You just don't get it, Scott. You just don't get it.

LOST IN TRANSLATION

John: Actually, virtually nothing was as WWE presented all their television from Japan last week. The Japanese fans were completely thrilled to see live WWE and were often as much fun to watch as the wrestlers were. I like Japan. I've never been, besides an hour layover in the Tokyo Airport in 1983, but I think I'd be at home there. High technology, great food, porn everywhere, it seems like my kind of place. Plus they love the WWE. The audience reactions were tremendous. The Japanese women were genuinely worried about Randy Orton's concussion, the men loved seeing the Divas, Big Show facing off with Akebono was treated with reverential awe, and Funaki and Tajiri were treated like superheroes. I think the most enjoyable moment of watching the Japanese audience watching a match for me was when Shawn Michaels slowed down his work tremendously to accomodate Ric Flair. The Japanese were totally into every eye poke and Flair flop from the Nature Boy.

Jeff: I'm surprised they didn't like JBL more than they did. The Japanese usually love big, fat Americans who throw clotheslines. Stan Hansen's like a thousand years old and he's still wrestling over there.

Stan Hansen: I am?!

Jeff: I was going to say some nice things about the Japanese fans and how they've allowed themselves to have more fun at the shows in recent years, but then I saw these dolls. (Extremely office unfriendly link) If that's what this new relaxed, free-thinking Japan comes up with, I'm not so sure they should be allowed to have fun.

THE BRIT-JAP CONNECTION

John: Can you believe it was nearly four years ago when WWF Commissioner William Regal introduced his house boy Tajiri? It's been a long winding road for both men, who have been reunited on RAW and became World Tag Team Champions by beating La Resistance in Japan. As babyfaces, no less. Tajiri got to become tag team Ichiban in front of his family and countrymen in Japan, a pleasant violation of the usual WWE rule of humilating someone who comes home. But maybe that just applies to home towns and not home countries.

John: Left in the dark though is poor Rhyno, who tried all last summer to beat La Resistance with Tajiri as his partner. Now he's still on the outside looking in as Tajiri runs around with the World Tag Team Titles. Not that anything can or should come of this little tidbit, but Rhyno deserves better. Maybe that old Hardcore belt should be reinstated so Rhyno has something to run headlong into shopping carts for.

Jeff: Maybe they could just have a segment every week where Rhyno runs into something. Tables, chairs, shopping carts, trees, stairs, glass, oil drums, snowmen. The list is endless. And there really isn't much worry in things getting old. His neck surgeries and year long recovery times will keep the segments fresh.

John: Rhyno would have been a good pick to Gore Batista out of the way of JBL's limo, but then Triple H wouldn't have been the big hero for saving Big Dave's life and Batista would probably have just misunderstood and kicked the shit out of Rhyno. Still, an asskicking on RAW from Batista beats another epic match with Stevie Richards on Heat.

LADY KILLER

John: Randy Orton's health problems haven't impeded his blossoming relationship with Stacy Keibler. I guess girls love it when you're knocked senseless on a regular basis. Stacy must really find a swollen brain hot.

Jerry Lawler: That's not the only swollen thing Orton has that's pretty hot! I mean, who does that Randy Orton think he is? I don't like him anymore.

John: I guess we'll find out next week how Randy and Stacy's Valentine's Day date went.

Jerry Lawler: I hope there's a video of it! Woohoo!

John: Orton didn't have any problems with his ongoing concussion this week, defeating Christian in a really good match, probably Christian's best in a good while. Orton walked out of the ring under his own power for the first time in a month. This is a far cry from when Orton got past Tyson Tomko in Japan last week and Christian gave his noggin' a floggin' in front of all his Jeeps.

Jeff: So the entire point of the concussion angle was to make sure Orton didn't look bad getting beat by Triple H? And then he had to keep it up for a few weeks to make it look good? That seems needlessly complex.

JBL: I love it!

Jeff: And it hurts guys in the future who actually get concussions by making it seem like they're not that serious.

Bret Hart: Randy Orton raped the concussion character.

Jeff: It's not really a big deal, but if the fans ask why the next guy who goes down with a concussion isn't working through it like Randy did, they'd better be happy hearing "because we don't want him to have a stroke and die."

WHO'S YOUR GODADDY?

John: While WWE was coming back from Japan and WWE RAW Diva Candice Michelle was working the Lingerie Bowl, a little commercial for something called GoDaddy.com starring Candice aired during the Superbowl. Then the second commerical was bumped from FOX by the NFL, and the next thing you know, controversy erupts and Candice Michelle was practically everywhere. WWE just got handed an instant quasi-celebrity in the form of Candice, who came off with more charisma in her 30 second commercial than in all the backstage skits, lingerie fashion shows, and rock and roll limbo contests WWE has used her in so far.

Trish Stratus: That's just great. Let's all talk aboot Candice Michelle some more.

John: Well, actually, I'm done. She's pretty much already run her course unless she gets an angle or something to do. I guess I could mention she's pretty hot, plus she has done a lot of nude photowork for Playboy and she appeared nude in a Cinemax movie.

Trish Stratus: So she's a slut, just like next month's Playboy cover girl Christy Hemme. One more 'talented' Diva getting naked in Playboy and trying to steal my spotlight.

Marc Mero: I hear you, Trish. If there's one thing I hate, it's big breasted Divas who pose in Playboy and steal people's spotlights.

Jeff: Candice is hot and it's nice having her around on Raw, but I just can't get very interested unless she's actually doing something. It's like porn. Pictures of hot naked chicks are cool and all, but if I want to jerk off, I'm going to need them to be doing something, preferably with someone else. Now's one of those times I'm hoping my mom never, ever finds this site. We should keep a count of those.

PAYING THE PIPER

John: Big Hall of Fame announcement this week: Rowdy Roddy Piper will be inducted into the Class of 2005. That's an excellent choice, and it reunites the entire heel side of the original WrestleMania main event since Cowboy Bob Orton and Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff will be inducted that same night. Which means, if Hulk Hogan and Mr. T aren't inducted and Jimmy Snuka is in attendance, Piper and his boys will have a pretty easy time smashing another coconut on the Superfly's head.

Jeff: I was looking at the WWE's Hall of Fame site and I can't figure out what they're going for. Picks like Andre the Giant are obvious, but what's a guy like Johnny Rodz doing in there? And how about Harley Race? He certainly has the credentials in his career overall, but not really in his WWE run. If they're going to make it an industry-wide Hall of Fame, they'll need the Funks, the Von Erichs, Nick Bockwinkel, Dusty Rhodes, the Freebirds, and a whole mess of other guys before they induct another Tito Santana. And where the fuck are the Harts? Bret and Stu definitely need to be included, maybe Owen, too. I don't think they've come up with any guidelines for membership or even a well thought out selection process.

John: See, I don't think the WWE Hall of Fame should be industry-wide. Screw everyone else who never worked for WWE.

Vince McMahon circa 1985: I like the cut of your jib.

John: They should really just concentrate on the important people in WWE history. They would have more than enough people to induct to keep them busy for years. Guys like Sting or Kevin Von Erich or Nick Bockwinkel being inducted in the WWE Hall of Fame would be silly. I think they should theme each year's nominations by WrestleMania. Starting with this year, they can induct Hall of Fame nominees who appeared at the first WrestleMania. This way, S.D. Jones can be inducted and they can give him a 9 second speech.