|
|
February 23, 2005
THE HOLE F'N SHOW
John: The Big Show is not the WWE Champion and he has no one to
blame but himself. In their barbed wire steel cage match at No Way
Out, Show chokeslammed JBL through the ring.
John: Rather than cover him for the easy pin, Show chose to take
his sweet time ripping the chain and padlock off the cage door and
ambling down the steps. Meanwhile, JBL proved again why he's a Wrestling
God. He cleverly crawled through the hole in the ring, touched the
ground long before Show did, and retained his WWE Title. The Big
Show proved without a shadow of a doubt he's no Hawk Hana.
Hawk Hana: He didn't move his fat ass when he had to.
Jeff: Nothing exposes the business like a good cage match. You see
guys who usually climb like the offspring of monkeys and Spider-Man
taking a year and a half to scale a ten foot fence. And normally
smart wrestlers always choose to climb over the side of the cage
rather than walking right out the door.
Johnny Cochrane: It don't make no sense.
John: I have a point of contention had Big Show attempted a pinfall.
Would he have had to drag JBL out of the hole to pin him? I maintain
he could have just put his foot on JBL and it would have been a
legal cover. JBL's entire body was still resting on the canvas.
He was still technically on the mat. Therefore, as long as JBL's
shoulders were on the canvas, I believe Show could have scored a
legal pinfall without dragging JBL out of the hole as long as JBL's
shoulders remained on the canvas.
Jeff: I'd like to cite Bam Bam Bigelow versus Taz as a precident
in this case. Any destroyed portion of the ring is no longer a legal
area. You must pull your opponent from the hole and use the remaining
portion of the mat at its original level for a pinfall to count.
Another historical example is Brock Lesnar versus the Big Show.
The entire ring collapsed and since there was no complete ring mat
at the proper level, the match was declared a no contest. Only fully
intact portions of the ring are legal.
John: I dispute the example of Lesnar vs. Big Show.
That match wasn't declared a no-contest because the ring collapsed.
It was declared a no-contest because both men were lying unconscious
from the impact that destroyed the ring. Neither man could rise
to meet a count of ten so the match had to be stopped. Not that
the referee even bothered to count, but if he had, Lesnar was out
cold and Show was sound asleep like he is after eating five whole
turkeys at Thanksgiving breakfast so continuing that match would
have been impossible on that count, not because the ring was destroyed.
Jeff: That's nothing but speculation on your part.
Diamond Donovan Douglas: Quit your fucking speculating!
Jeff: The referee never made his decision known to the ring announcer,
so we can't know exactly why that match was ended. That's another
problem I have with the WWE over the last few years: decisions are
rarely announced. The live crowd is never informed when someone
is elminated in a multi-participant match and if there's a DQ they're
never told who's been disqualified and why. I suppose I could look
those things up in the record books if I really wanted to know,
but I have a feeling they don't actually exist.
RULE OF THUMB
John: Batista finally did what we've all been waiting for him to
do for several months.
Batista: I've known what I was gonna do for a long time.
John: Well, thanks for dragging it out, Dave. Batista finally turned
on Evolution, giving Triple H the same thumbs down he gave to Randy
Orton when Evolution turned on him last summer, and then powerbombing
Triple H through a table.
 
John: Although he had a fun week on SmackDown! smashing
up JBL's limosine and beating the shit out of the Cabinet, Batista
turned down Theodore R. Long's big money offer to jump to SmackDown!
and wrestle JBL and John Cena in a triple threat for the WWE Title
at WrestleMania 21. Instead, Batista chose selfishness over Triple
H's dream of the two of them standing side by side as World Champions
at WrestleMania. And now, because he didn't sign Batista, Theodore
Long might be fired as SmackDown! General Manager.
Carlito Caribbean Cool: That's cool.
Jeff: How exactly did Teddy Long put together a "big money
offer" for Batista to join SmackDown!? Their attendance is
terrible, their pay per view revenue is bad, and if it weren't for
John Cena they wouldn't sell any merchandise, either. There isn't
any money around for a new guy, unless half of the roster isn't
getting paid.
Paul London: Well, they did just start paying me in old Ultimate
Warrior clothing.
Paul Heyman: And I've just been named Chief Financial Officer.
NEED A LINEUP LINED UP
John: The main events of WrestleMania 21 are set:
Triple H vs. Batista for the World Heavyweight Championship and
JBL vs. John Cena for the WWE Championship. Wow. That sounds...
Er, I want to see one of those matches. So what else you got for
us? Shawn Michaels against Kurt Angle? That sounds pretty good.
Can Kurt move his arm and fingers? What else? Anything? Well, there's
still 40+ days until WrestleMania but it doesn't seem like most
of the wrestlers on either show are advantageously positioned for
WrestleMania. There isn't much that has been set up for matches
that we fans want to see at the biggest show of the year.
Booker T: I got a score to settle with Heidenreich! After what he
pulled at No Way Out, you tell that sucka I'll see him at Wrestle--
John: NOOOOOOOOO!! Dude, I swear to God and I fucking mean it, if
Booker T has a rematch with Heidenreich at WrestleMania I will quit
watching wrestling. By that, I mean I'll quit watching SmackDown!
Jeff: They were running full bore with the Undertaker and Kane versus
Heidenreich and Snitsky match until recently. They may have changed
their minds when the fans reacted to the idea like Chris Benoit
seeing Mae Young's snatch.
Chris Benoit: That vomit was 4 Real!
Jeff: I started to get the feeling a while ago that this WrestleMania
was going to suck. It's in a regular arena instead of a huge stadium,
so it won't look as cool. The main event matches probably won't
be that great and the best upper card guys like Guerrero, Benoit,
Edge, Jericho, and Orton don't have a damn thing to do. I guess
the bookers never saw the last six months' worth of banners, promos,
skits, and commercials for the show.
Eddie Guerrero: When am I gonna turn on Rey Rey so we can have a
match at WrestleMania, ese?
Billy Kidman: Wait in line. I'm still waiting to turn on Rey since
they teased it in 2003.
Eddie Guerrero: Why don't you just forget about that, vato.
Billy Kidman: Where the hell am I, anyway? How come I'm not on TV
anymore? I don't even remember who I was feuding with last. Was
it Chavo or London?
Eddie Guerrero: I think they might be feuding with each other now,
homes.
Billy Kidman: That's just great. Maybe if I wrestled my ring jacket
I can at least get back on Velocity.
Hollywood Hogan: Brother, you and that jacket couldn't headline
the flea market you bought it from!
"Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff: Hey, that wasn't no flea
market, Hogan, that was my yard sale!
CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND
John: They say confession is good for the soul but
coming clean didn't do so much for Triple H. He openly admitted
to Ric Flair that he was the one behind airing the footage of JBL
and Big Show talking smack about Batista and JBL's limosine to trying
to run Batista over.
Triple H: I wasn't trying to kill him or anything. I was just trying
to light a fire under his ass.
John: Triple H shouldn't have confessed all this while the camera
was pointing right at him, but regardless of that, Batista was right
around the corner listening in, confirming all his suspicions. That
was pretty clever of Big Dave. No one has been that smart since
Stone Cold used to run around the back setting bear traps for DX.
The only person who not only didn't know it was Triple H but had
no suspicions about him whatsoever was Ric Flair.
Ric Flair: I had no idea. I had no idea ...that Triple H could be
so brilliant! Woooo! I always said you were a genius! I tell everyone,
Triple H isn't just the greatest wrestler alive today, but he's
a genius! That's the greatest plan I've ever heard in my life! Genius!
Genius! Wooooooo!
Jeff: It was a pretty good plan, and he would have gotten away with
it if it weren't for those meddling camera men. And if Batista weren't
so damned nosy. Triple H should have made it clear to everyone that
he was delivering a soliloquy. Does it count as a soliloquy if Ric
Flair is there to suck your dick? I'm not sure. But those were private
thoughts that should have been shared only with everyone in the
arena and the millions of viewers at home.
A FLAIR FOR ASS KISSING
John: I love Ric Flair's comedy more than most but
he seems to be really way out there now with his being in love with
Triple H.
Ric Flair: Oh my God! Champ! You look spectacular! I've never seen
you look cleaner.
John: Yeah, things like that are kind of suspect. Ric loves everything
Triple H does. It's not even that Triple H can do no wrong, it's
that anything Triple H does is automatically great. Even Triple
H is starting to get a little wary of Ric. It must be great to have
the legendary Ric Flair sucking your cock all day long, but Ric
is really going off the deep end. He's not too far off from stuff
like this:
Ric Flair: Whooo! My God, that was the greatest crap anyone's ever
taken! That smell! You should bottle it! You did a number on that
toilet! You showed that toilet why you're Triple H! The greatest
who ever lived! Woooo!
Jeff: Nobody does "crazy old man" like Ric Flair.
Terry Funk: What did you just say, you son of a whore?
Jeff: I meant the non-threatening kind of crazy. I think Ric should
be able to work through this one if he gets a little bit of recovery
time in a nice institution.
Ric Flair: Triple A! Asia! Quadruple H! All the gang is back together!
Woooo!
Scott Hall: Hey yo, how come we keep running into
each other in the looney bins?
THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL
John: Ever since he beat Shawn Michaels at the Royal
Rumble, Edge has run into a wall of frustration.. He finally got
the World Title match he's been waiting his whole career for in
Japan and he lost thanks to Batista. Then Batista cleaned his clock
pretty good last week. This week, Edge and Christian reunited but
couldn't recapture the old magic. They failed to hit a conchairto
and went down cleanly to HBK and Orton.
Jim Ross: That was a one-time only reunion for Edge
and Christian, who had a legendary tag team but haven't been together
since.
John: What? They got together a few months ago for the first time.
Remember, Edge threw Christian into the steel steps when they lost?
Jim Ross: I don't recall that, son.
John: Do you recall the teardrop suplex, Shawn Michaels's shitty
old 1992 finisher? Michaels busted it out on Christian. That was
pretty neat.
Jim Ross: You mean that Olympic Slam?
John: Anyway, Edge doesn't have terrific prospects for a WrestleMania
21 match. This will be his first WrestleMania since 2002 when he
beat Booker T for the Japanese shampoo commercial. Now his career
is in the same rough shape as that beautiful head of golden hair
he's got. He keeps pulling on it and yanking out clumps during his
temper freakouts. It's a good thing the Japanese shampoo company
isn't paying him to endorse their shampoo anymore.
Jeff: There's a fine line the bookers have to tread with Edge. His
current character is based on freaking out after getting screwed
over. But if you keep screwing him over and do things like leaving
him off the WrestleMania card, you've gone beyond helping the character
and more toward ruining his career. He has to succeed at something
to keep the fans interested and it has to be something a little
bit out there. I suggest he light Randy Orton on fire. Edge gets
notoriety for attempting to kill a young superstar and Randy Orton
loses those good looks that are preventing him from getting over
with the adult men in the crowd.
Randy Orton: I don't really like that plan.
Kane: I love it. Hey, I thought you had a concussion that was slowly
killing you.
Randy Orton: A what now?
YOU UNVEILED IT. YOU CAN'T UN-UNVEIL IT!
John: I got a good chuckle out of the unveiling of
"The Masterpiece" Chris Masters. A
month ago we prognosticated that this rehash of the Narcissist
gimmick wouldn't be very successful but Chris Masters flopped even
faster than I thought. He was terrible.
Sideshow Mel: Terrible!
John: I know I could never be a wrestling announcer
because I just don't have the DNA of a snakeoil salesman. Poor J.R.
and the King had to sing the praises of Chris Masters while he stumbled
around with Steven Richards. Nor was his physique particularly chiseled
(the photo above of Masters in a most muscular pose notwithstanding.)
On a show with Batista, Randy Orton and Chris Benoit, Masters didn't
look like he had the body that puts them to shame. But his wrestling
ability is shameful enough. You know you're in trouble when you
can't even match any of the standards set by Lex Luger.
Jeff: He matched the black tights and white boots standard. What
were they thinking having him confront Ric Flair and wrestle Steven
Richards, two heels? Masters is supposed to be a heel, right? The
only thing that could bomb worse than he already has is positioning
him as a face. Although it would be an interesting experiment to
see how much you could possibly make a guy bomb. Set him up with
a gimmick that couldn't ever get him over, have him wrestle guys
nobody cares about, and book him completely opposite to how the
fans feel about him. Then you could call the promotion "WCW."
|
