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March 17, 2005
SPRING BREAK!
John: We haven't updated OUR so-called SPORT in three weeks, and
for the next two, I'll be on vacation in sunny, picturesque Maui
hopefully drinking mai-tai's on the beach with Don Muraco and Kona
Crush.
Magnificent Muraco: I'll get you lei'd by Leilani Kai.
Crush: Shaka, brah!
John: Oh no. So anyway, welcome to this special Hulkasized OSCS
with our WrestleMania 21 preview of the card so far. We hope this
will tide all our readers over until we come back in April with
the recap of WrestleMania 21 and the resumption of regular OSCS
updates.
ROCK & ROLL, STRUT & STROLL
John: I can't believe how happy I was to see Marty Jannetty on
RAW. I'd never been happy to see Marty Jannetty before. The Rockers
reunited for one night only to beat La Resistance and it was 1989
all over again. They busted out all the old material: the Rocker
music I can't get out of my head now, the tandem nip ups, the double
planchas, the Rocker Dropper. I only wish Shawn Michaels could have
somehow worn his old Rocker gear to complete the effect. Marty still
has all his tassles, why doesn't HBK?
Jeff: I think it's because Shawn's been wrestling the last 13 years
and he's gotten some new gear in that time. Marty spent his entire
spandex budget on drugs.
John: Marty looked for all the world like he was auditioning
to get his job back. He looked surprisingly good physically and
in the ring. The years of drug abuse and not wrestling haven't substantially
slowed him down, it seems. Now Marty has the task of taking on Kurt
Angle, which makes him the first free agent since the brand extension
to wrestle on both RAW and Smackdown in the same week. Marty's not
gonna beat Kurt, but he has a chance if he can hit the Rocker Dropper
and break Kurt's freakin' neck. But then he probably wouldn't get
his job back. Either way, he's screwed.
Jeff: Aside from the blown nip up, Marty looked pretty good out
there. I was expecting him to look like a worn out shell of himself,
like certain other former wrestlers whom we'll discuss later, but
I was pleasantly surprised. I never realized how much shorter he
was than Shawn, though. Weird. Anyway, it would be kind of neat
to see him stick around and team with Michaels for a while. Stick
Edge and Christian back together, Benoit and Jericho, maybe Kane
and someone, and you'll have an all star tag division for a couple
months.
SNAKE EATER
John: The other big surprise on RAW was Jake "The Snake"
Roberts showing up. If he weren't carrying a 20 foot python in a
bag, I'd have guessed the python was in his stomach. Jake didn't
look so hot and he sounded as good as he looked. Marty Jannetty
has a shot at getting his job back, but no such possibility exists
for Jake. Even then, for a few minutes I wanted nothing more in
the world than to see Jake give Randy Orton a DDT. We had to settle
for Orton taking the world's slowest short-arm clothesline.
Jeff: One of the great mysteries of the last few years
is how Jake Roberts is still alive. The blood in his veins has been
replaced by whisky and his lungs are just as happy to use crack
smoke as oxygen. But there he was on Raw, allegedly carrying a snake
in a bag, confronting Randy Orton. It was like seeing a fat, wheezing,
rambling ghost. And I'll be damned if that fat, wheezing, rambling
ghost didn't have the crowd completely on his side. Fans always
say they want new stars, but given the opportunity they'll cheer
the old men until they can't walk to the ring anymore.
The Ghost of Andre the Giant: Longer than that if you're in Japan,
boss.
THE BIG O
John: Why do I watch wrestling? For orgasms. There were a lot of
orgasms on RAW this week. Christy Hemme and Kurt Angle took part
in a When
Harry Met Sally parody movie where Christy did her
version of Meg Ryan's famous fake orgasm scene.
Linda McMahon: I'll have what she's having.
John: You don't need what Christy's having when you have a genetic
jackhammer at home.
Vince McMahon: Oh yeah! I feel it! Oh yeah!
John: An even better simulated orgasm took place elsewhere on RAW
when Maria mouthed off to Trish Stratus and got her ass royally
handed to her. Maria seems to think that when you get beat up, you
make orgasm sounds. Or maybe literally getting kicked in the ass
and thrown into trash cans really did make her orgasm. Either way,
it was groin-grabbingly delightful.
Jeff: Maria's moaning sure got my penis's attention.
I was just sitting there watching wrestling and all of a sudden
he's like, "Hey, what's going on?" I'd usually say that
someone needs to give her some pointers on proper selling, but if
you're going to expose the business, that's the way I want you doing
it.
Vince Russo: Fuck that!!! You should expose the bizness by talkin'
about the writerz in every segment!!! And praising Jezuz!!!
WRESTLEMANIA 21: WRESTLEMANIA GOES HOLLYWOOD
John: In our last
update, we noted that the WrestleMania card was pretty
sparse. They've booked some more matches for the show since then,
and now the only stuff that's mainly missing from the show is most
of the Smackdown talent.
Eddie Guerrero: Orale! When is my match with Rey Mysterio gonna
get booked for WrestleMania, ese?
John: Maybe Thursday, maybe never. That's one rumored match, along
with Orlando Jordan defending the US Title against Booker T and
Chavo Guerrero vs. Paul London for the Cruiserweight Title. Those
sound kind of okay for WrestleMania, I suppose. I don't see the
name Heidenreich anywhere so none of those matches make me want
to throw up.
Jeff: Those sound good enough, I guess. But I don't think there's
anything on the card to keep the fans in New York and Boston from
choosing WrestleMania over opening day Red Sox versus Yankees. Bud
Selig kind of fucked over Vince McMahon this year.
Bud Selig: Bud Selig didn't screw Vince McMahon, Vince McMahon screwed
Vince McMahon.
HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN VS. MUHAMMAD HASSAN
John: As far as rumored matches go, this is the only one I care
about. In fact, if Hogan vs. Hassan happens this is my personal
main event. And if this goes ahead, Hogan should go over. Big boot,
legdrop, pin, 10 minute posedown. Some would question the wisdom
of jobbing a young, upcoming superstar at WrestleMania to a Hall
of Fame inductee who might never wrestle again. Who cares. This
is Hulk Hogan we're talking about. If I had my way, The Rock would
have gone down to the legdrop in Toronto three years ago. In hindsight,
Rock winning was the wrong call. Which one is gone from the company
now and which one is back? Whatever is best for Hulk Hogan is what's
best for wrestling, and the world in general. Job Hassan to Hogan.
It's the right thing to do.
Prediction: I wonder if I've made my position clear enough on this
matter?
Jeff: It's somewhat less likely that Hassan will be off making movies
in three years than it was for the Rock three years ago.
Muhammad Hassan: You're right. Hollywood is just as prejudiced as
the rest of this country. How many leading men are named Muhammad,
or Raj, or Sanjay?
Jeff: I guess Tony Shalhoub doesn't count.
Khosrow Daivari: Fuck Tony Shalhoub!
Jeff: The only way I want to see Hogan going over, and this match
at all honestly, is if they completely recreate Hogan versus the
Iron Sheik, move for move. Actually, leave out Hassan altogether
and just have the Sheik wrestle Hogan. They'll both be there for
the Hall of Fame induction; it would be stupid not to use all the
talent you have on hand.
Prediction: Whatever happens, Daivari gets knocked out with a big
right hand.
PIPER'S PIT WITH STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN
John: Even on what is planned as a four hour show, this seems like
a big waste of time. Neither of these guys have an issue with each
other, nor do they have any storylines that will carry over into
this. I guess they just expect sparks to fly because Austin and
Piper and legends who have such strong personalities. Piper comes
from the old school of incoherent, rambling promos from the 80's
while Austin pioneered the bad ass, trash-talking attitude and beer-fueled
promos of the 90's. The twains should probably never meet, but here
we are.
Prediction: Piper takes a Stunner without breaking one of his hips.
Jeff: Your memory is playing tricks on you. Piper's promos in the
80s weren't nearly as rambling and incoherent. You're just used
what he's become in the last fifteen years and projecting it back.
Jake Roberts is close to following the same path if he shows up
ever again.
Prediction: Piper sets a record by dropping the world's oldest pop
culture reference
SUMO MATCH
John: Here's a match up no one asked for or particularly wants
to see.
Big Show: Tell me about it.
John: Not too excited about this, huh, Show? You probably had to
be Japanese to get your engine running when Show and Akebono had
their big staredown in Japan. I had no idea Akebono was so big;
he does indeed match up favorably with the Show. I'm not sure if
they'll actually sumo wrestle on a sumo mat or if they'll do it
in the ring, but now that I think about it, Show might just appear
in Sumo garb and show everyone his gigantic ass. I would suggest
calling the match off and putting Show's "special friend"
Joy Giovanni in a sumo costume. What's that? Sumos wrestle topless?
I fail to see the problem.
Prediction: Show's ass is whiter than Akebono's.
Jeff: I watched some sumo when Akebono was still active and he was
much, much fatter back then. He was up around 600 pounds and probably
could have gone without the sumo diaper and still had his dick obscured
by his gigantic gut. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Prediction: The contest ushers in a new era of professional wrestling.
All future matches will feature at least one retired sumo participant.
CHRISTY HEMME VS. TRISH STRATUS
John: It's hard to root against Trish when she's consistently one
of the most entertaining people on either show. Also, because she's
been right all along: Christy doesn't belong in the ring with her
and it turns out Lita really is a slut.
Matt Hardy: Matt Fact of the Day: Edge and my girlfriend have been
fucking each other.
Kane: What? That slut!
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Mmm, that's good adultery!
John: Christy is looking for revenge for all the terrible but funny
things Trish has done to her, like painting "SLUT" on
her back and breaking her shoe on Christy's head.
 
John: The wrinkle is that Christy is being trained (though not
very hard) by Lita, the last person who tried to get revenge on
Trish for all the terrible things Trish did to her. That didn't
work out so great for Lita so it's looking like this month's Playboy
cover girl is pretty screwed.
Prediction: Trish takes being Women's Champion to Triple Hesque
levels.
Jeff: Christy was bigger and more athletic than the other Diva Search
girls, but standing next to Trish and Lita it's pretty clear she
needs to gain 10 or 20 pounds of muscle or she's going to end up
killing herself in the ring. Actually, with Lita as her trainer,
she'll probably end up killing herself anyway. When I want someone
to show me how to do something, I usually don't go to the person
who's the worst I know at.
Prediction: Unless she gets a better trainer, Christy will be wearing
a neckbrace in her next Playboy spread.
John: This is the match that could single handedly ruin WrestleMania
for me. I would like nothing more than seeing Undertaker tombstone
Orton's spiky head into the mat and giving him a real concussion.
But I admit, I'm nervous about Orton's chances. Undertaker's perfect
12-0 undefeated streak is in some jeopardy. I'm totally against
Undertaker ever losing at WrestleMania. His streak is the only perfect
record left in wrestling that matters. He should retire unbeaten
at WrestleMania. By that I mean, he should never retire.
Prediction: I'll be so very, very pissed if Undertaker goes down
to an RKO
Jeff: There's no better example of the fans' love for the old guys
than this match. Randy was doing pretty well getting over as a face,
even with the large anti-pretty boy contingent out there, but since
challenging the Undertaker, he's the biggest heel in wrestling.
Nobody wants to see him win. Not the fans, not the other wrestlers,
and definitely not the Undertaker. Sure, it would make his career,
but is Randy Orton's career really that important?
The Undertaker: Hell no. What about my career? Anyone ever think
of that?
Jeff: Seriously. The Taker's only turning 40 this year. If Ric Flair
and Terry Funk are any indication, he has another good 15 years
to go.
Prediction: A riot breaks out if the right guy doesn't win
CHRIS BENOIT VS. KANE VS. CHRISTIAN VS. EDGE VS. INTERCONTINENTAL
CHAMPION SHELTON BENJAMIN VS. CHRIS JERICHO
John: This is called throwing all the midcarders and a ladder in
a pot and seeing what boils over. At the top of the ladder is a
briefcase which has a contract for a shot at the World Championship
on any date the winner chooses up to and including WrestleMania
22. Another World Title run for Jericho would be pretty sweet but
not the likeliest scenario, especially if Batista wins the belt.
Shelton is a dark horse but it's not his time yet. The guy I would
most like to see literally climb the ladder of success and get a
long-deserved World Title shot, Christian, probably has the least
chance of winning this. So I'll go with the obvious choice.
Prediction: Christian's adulterous brother
Jeff: Eric Bischoff has the best job in wrestling right now. The
Raw writers make him look great, coming up with matches like this
for a bunch of guys who weren't involved in anything else for WrestleMania.
All he has to do is pretend he comes up with everything and he comes
off as the best promoter in the world. Contrast that with the poor
schmucks who've been GM of Smackdown, having to be the figureheads
for the assholes who can't come up with something interesting to
save their lives. It's not their fault they're shitty GMs, but they
lose their TV jobs when the creative staff sucks. The match? The
order of likely victors almost matches up with my personal preference,
swapping Kane and Christian. Edge, Kane, Jericho, Benoit, Christian,
Shelton is how I see it.
Prediction: Edge lets everyone else kill themselves and gets the
contract
KURT ANGLE VS. SHAWN MICHAELS
John: Two legends in a dream match or two borderline cripples past
their primes wrestling over nothing? Either way this looks to be
the best match on the show. If HBK 1996 and Kurt Angle 2001 show
up by some miracle, it could be one of the best matches in history.
Angle will in all likelihood work on making Michaels tap to the
Ankle Lock, eliminating Sweet Chin Music from the equation. Michaels
will probably be preoccupied with not passing out from severe blood
loss.
Prediction: Michaels with a superkick, Angle has to throw his singlet
away since HBK's blood won't entirely wash off it.
Jeff: Shawn should hand out a blade to a random front row audience
member before each match and allow that person to cut him when it
comes time.
Rocky Balboa: Cut me, Mick.
Jeff: It should be interesting to see how this one is booked. Both
Shawn Michaels and Kurt Angle never, ever lose, but there's no good
reason to book a schmoz in a WrestleMania interpromotional match.
Vince McMahon: Or a Survivor Series world championship match.
Jeff's Prediction: A one hour draw
JOHN CENA VS. JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD
John: The Battle of the Johns. How do I get in on this? I'm not
a 15 year old girl, I don't like hip hop, and I'm not Lance Jr.
thus I can't get excited about a potential John Cena title reign.
Ever since his face turn, I just lost interest in Cena. He's no
longer funny, he's not convincingly bad ass, and he doesn't have
good matches. Meanwhile JBL gives the best promos on Smackdown and
busts his ass in his matches but is unappreciated by everyone who
doesn't sign his paycheck. Ultimately, I don't give a crap about
Smackdown so whoever has the belt really doesn't affect me one way
or the other. Cena as Champion, JBL as Champion; it all looks the
same in fast forward.
Prediction: Lance is the only one happy when Cena wins the belt.
Jeff: Cena sucks as a face. Well, that's not entirely true since
he's very popular and sells a lot of merchandise, but he's creatively
worthless as a face. He hasn't done anything interesting or innovative
since he turned. He's just your basic "you embarrassed me,
so I'm gonna kick your ass" face. Terrible.
Prediction: JBL retains
BATISTA VS. TRIPLE H
John: Batista is the people's choice. When presented with the Randy
Orton option, Batista is the guy the fans almost universally told
WWE that they want to beat Triple H and become World Champion. Now,
whether they'll stick with him if they get what they want is another
story. Still, the breakup and rivalry of Triple H and Batista is
the best slow-build to a World Title match in many, many years.
Big Dave's ring work is solid and his charisma is considerable,
but neither have been fine tuned. With Triple H, you know what you're
getting, but we'll see if he can bring the potential out of Batista
and make him a star. Or squash him with a Pedigree and effectively
gut punch the audience. Either way works for me. If Ric Flair can
somehow drop his pants and show his ass, that'd be the icing on
the cake.
Prediction: "Dave" won't be on Batista's title belt nameplate.
Jeff: The people like Big Dave, he cuts a good promo, and he's a
pretty good wrestler for someone his size, but there's just something
missing. I think it's the chase. Triple H tried to fuck him over
a few times, but that was mainly in the last month or so. Most WrestleMania
main events have been the end of a long feud, while this one seems
to be more like the beginning. That's unless Triple H wins, then
it's the end of Batista's main event run before it started.
Prediction: Not quite the Honkey Tonk Man versus the Ultimate Warrior,
and not quite The Ultimate Warrior versus Hulk Hogan, but much better
than The Ultimate Warrior versus Goldust.
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