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April 21, 2005FEEL A DRAFT IN HERE?John: The post-WrestleMania doldrums we’re in right now ought to be over “in about a month.” Vince McMahon interrupted a Christian promo and made one of his rare crazed and agitated appearances to announce this year’s Draft Lottery. The annual shuffling around of the RAW and Smackdown midcarders and stale acts is almost upon us, fans. Looking over the Superstar rosters at wwe.com as I tend to do when I’m bored at work, I would say that if I had my own “random” lottery, of the main eventers I’d send The Undertaker back to RAW and send Shawn Michaels to Smackdown.
Christian: If I became the number one draft pick for Smackdown, I’d kick Marky Mark’s ass for the WWE Championship, ‘cause that’s how I roll!
John: That sounds pretty good too. Just as good as the title shot at Batista Christian is getting next week on RAW. Also, Tyson Tomko was pretty smart to cover Christian’s mouth with his hand before he could interrupt Mr. McMahon again and get his ass fired. Tomko has evolved into a pretty capable lackey.
Jeff: In the beginning everyone thought Tomko would be able to solve problems in the ring, but that whole wrestling thing isn't his bag. His skill is emotional problem solving, comforting Christian when he's hurt, calming him when he's upset, massaging him when he's tense before a match, and restraining him when he's about to speak before thinking. It's truly a beautiful relationship, one we don't see very often in wrestling these days. THE CHAMP ISN’T HEREJohn Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!!
John: We’re not talking about you yet. The new World Heavyweight Champion Batista hasn’t worn out his welcome. He hasn’t had a chance to since he’s hardly been around. Since winning the title at WrestleMania, Batista seems to show up for the last few minutes of every RAW and does as little as possible. The Internet smarks were bitching and moaning about how they wanted an interview with the new Champion right after WrestleMania, but when we got it last week, it turned out pretty lousy. Emotional, thrilling big money promos aren’t Big Dave’s thing.
Jim Ross: Neither is saving my fat Oklahoma behind from getting my face busted wide open by Triple H.
John: What is Batista’s thing apparently is driving his own limosine around New York when arriving five minutes before RAW ends. Who drives his own limosine around?
Jeff: Dude, did you totally miss Triple H saying he paid off the limo driver to take Big Dave on a ride? Batista was able to take control of the car and get it to Raw just minutes before the end of the show. Jim Ross mentioned it like ten times. Batista's interview wasn't that bad, but it wasn't that good, either. He works better when he's having a conversation with someone, not ranting for 20 minutes by himself.
Triple H: Only 20 minutes? I'd need that just to scratch the surface of how great I am and how stupid everyone who showed up at the show is.
The Ghost of Gorilla Monsoon: It takes him 15 minutes just to warm up!
John: Triple H paid off the limo driver? I didn't know what you were talking about. So I popped in my RAW tape. I'll be damned, there it is. How'd I miss that entire segment? Was I taking a dump or something? Probably.
Mike: Man, you have the RAW tape? You said you didn't tape it anymore.
John: Oh, here we go... THE CHAMP IS HEREJohn: In sharp contrast to RAW, over on Smackdown, we get a lot of face time with new WWE Champion John Cena.
John Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!!
John: Yes, I know. While Cena has been working overtime sucking up to the Chain Gang and debuting an ugly-ass WWE Title spinner belt, former WWE Champion JBL is pretty much going to remain the number one contender despite the series of matches going on to determine Cena’s first opponent. Already, Kurt Angle beat Eddie Guerrero and JBL beat Rey Mysterio with Booker T facing Big Show this week on Smackdown. However, since they never announced a tournament or even a format, we don’t know what happens next after these matches are over.
Jeff: Dude, you really need to start watching the shows with the sound on. Teddy Long mentioned the three way dance the winners will have several times and Michael Cole repeated it every five minutes for the rest of the show.
John: What I really should do is stop watching the Smackdown tape in perpetual fast forward so I don't miss all these details.
Mike: Man, you taped Smackdown too?
John: Watching Smackdown is like ordering a pizza with me, I want it done in 30 minutes or less. Nevertheless, JBL deserves his rematch and I’m about to go on a rant I’ve been holding in since WrestleMania.
John Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!!
John: Will you stop? Muhammad Ali: Yeah... knock... ...it.... ...off. John: Anyway, about WrestleMania, the way JBL lost the WWE Title was total bullshit. As lousy as the sumo match and Trish vs. Christy was (and considering what could have been, I thought the latter went better than expected), I believe JBL vs. John Cena was the shittiest match on the show. After all those months of JBL surviving The Undertaker, Big Show, Booker T, Eddie Guerrero, etc. and having the Cabinet pull all those machinations to keep JBL Champion, JBL goes down to one FU? JBL dominated the match, Cena mounts a comeback, hits five moves and it’s over? What a crock of shit. JBL never got a kick out or false finish, had no outside interference, and went down like a bitch. The longest WWE title reign in ten years ended not with a bang but with a ‘what the fuck?’ It was shitty. That’s no way to treat a Wrestling God.
Jeff: John Cena is a shitty wrestler, and that's fine. There have been a bunch of shittier wrestlers who've gotten pushed a lot harder than he has. The problem is they're making him out to be a monster babyface who can crush everyone with his couple weak-ass moves, when that doesn't really fit his style or persona. And it makes everyone he wrestles look like a big pussy when they go down to the world's worst Death Valley Driver. NEW BOYS IN THE NEIGHBORHOODJohn: A couple of old gimmicks, the Hollywood Blondes and Billy and Chuck, were dragged out of the vaults and all of a sudden we have some new tag teams on the shows. I was instantly won over by Smackdown’s new trio, MNM, Melina, Johnny Nitro, and Joey Mercury. See, these guys are what wrestlers should be. Look at them, long hair, furry coats, big stupid belt buckles – they look like assholes. I love it.
The Rock: The Rock says their belt buckles are stylin’!
Carlito: MNM’s belt buckles are cool. The Rock’s belt buckle? That’s not cool.
John: Finally, people got called up from OVW who don’t have the short cropped Randy Orton/Chris Masters hairstyle and who don’t wear dress slacks and button down shirts tucked in. I’m sick of wrestlers looking like admin assistants. Also, there’s Melina, who made Carlito’s jaw drop when she slithered under the bottom rope and woke up my own trouser snake (okay, worm, happy?) in the process. Meanwhile on RAW, we saw The Heart Throbs, a couple of ugly, flaming queers named Romeo and Antonio debut. I think the joke is they don’t know they’re gay. Or maybe they know but think we don’t. How long until the Heart Throbs get married on TV now?
Jeff: Aside from the bandanas, the Heart Throbs look like they came off the usual OVW haircut and hotpants conveyor belt. Oh yeah, the overt gayness sets them apart, too. The rest of them have a more subtle, implied gayness, although you could probably say that about just about everyone involved in professional wrestling.
The Undertaker: What did you just say, boy?
Jeff: I was just talking about how leather pants and spandex are totally sweet.
The Undertaker: Damn right. GETTING VISCERALJohn: The smarks don’t like Lita very much and let her know loud and clear by chanting “Slut!” and “You screwed Matt!” at her during her segment with Trish Stratus. See, Edge had an affair with Lita in real life and somehow Matt Hardy got fired over it. Trish did the best she could to deflect the heel heat onto her and got through the segment, involving Kane and Lita attacking her and Viscera saving Trish and laying out Kane. Trish figured Viscera helping her out is “strictly bidness.” Unfortunately for Trish, Viscera has an agenda of his own, and it includes making Trish wade through his enormous mounds of fat and Stratusfy his penis. Honestly, you can’t blame Viscera for wanting Trish, unless he tries to rape her, at which point, yeah, then you can blame Viscera. I guess Trish has to go on a date with Viscera next week. It should be an unpleasant situation for all of us to endure.
Jeff: It was weird to hear Viscera talking like that. I always kind of assumed Big Vis was still practicing the whole Ministry of Darkness thing. I know that was a long time ago, and several Undertaker incarnations ago, but he's still wearing the Hefty bag and the white contact lenses. Or maybe that's how black guys go goth, they're exactly like regular black guys except for the contacts and the Hefty bag. Anyway, wrestling dates are usually very funny or very, very unfunny. Regardless of how this one goes, I'll be entertained as long as they have dinner at a KFC. FEUD FOR THOUGHTJohn: If you’re bored with the storylines at the top of the card, at least the very talented upper midcarders on both shows are having some interesting feuds with each other. Edge and Chris Benoit have hated each other for months and they’re still trying to kill each other. Benoit has had a lousy few weeks: he got his head lacerated before WrestleMania, then Edge bashed in his left arm with a chair, and he was pinned by Christian last week thanks to Edge. However, even with one arm, Benoit was able to beat Edge two weeks ago and now they’re going to have a Last Man Standing match at Backlash.
John: Meanwhile, the ambiguously face Shelton Benjamin is feuding with Chris Jericho for the Intercontinental Title, but they’ve been focused more on calling each other names than beating the shit out of each other. And on Smackdown, tag team champions Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio haven’t been seeing eye to eye for weeks. They cost each other shots at the WWE Title but neither guy seems eager to turn on the other. Eddie has never beaten Rey and failed again at WrestleMania 21 and it seems like Eddie is biding his time to finally turn heel. It might be cooler to turn Rey on Eddie have the little guy try his hat at being a vicious high-flying heel. Maybe one of them will finally snap if they drop the tag titles to MNM.
Jeff: The King had a tough time on Raw with the Edge/Benoit feud. With the Coach taking over for Jim Ross, he was thrust into babyface mode, and he was struggling to reconcile that with his man love for Edge.
Edge's Wife: That's funny, "man love" is the term I use for Lita's feelings, too.
Jeff: On the whole he did a good job, but it was funny watching a show where the two guys in the announce booth saw nothing wrong with one wrestler trying to break another's arm with a steel chair after losing a match to him. I AM A REAL AMERICANJohn: Shawn Michaels was pretty embarrassed when he was pinned by Khosrow Daivari last week and demanded a chance to take on both Daivari and Muhammad Hassan at once. Instead, Eric Bischoff forced him to choose a tag team partner for a match at Backlash. Knowing full well that he just reunited with his Rockers partner Marty Jannetty a month ago, Michaels made the logical choice: Hulk Hogan.
Marty Jannetty: Kinda felt like being thrown through that plate glass window again.
John: Poor Marty had to sit at home like the rest of us and watch as Hogan returned to RAW and helped HBK clean house on Hassan and Daivari. Michaels then joined Hogan for the requisite ten minute posedown, setting the stage for the historic teaming of Hulk Hogan and Shawn Michaels vs. Muhammad Hassan and Daivari at Backlash. Hogan is no stranger to Hassan as he saved Eugene from a Hassan and Daivari beatdown at WrestleMania 21, continuing his legacy of defending America from all foreign invaders.
Muhammad Hassan: For the last time, Daivari and I are American!
Jeff: I have to say I'm impressed with Daivari. He's put together for a little guy.
The Ghost of Gorilla Monsoon: You don't get a body like that waiting for the bus!
Jeff: Unless it's the bus to the gym, but I get what you mean. He's really fluid in the ring, and he dropped an awesome Michigan Jam on Michaels during their match. All he needs is a nickname. And if we follow the analogy, I would have to suggest "Beautiful" Khosrow Daivari. "Beautiful" Bobby Eaton: I don't mind. Lance Jr. Oh my God! It's the Earl of Eaton! photos (c) wwe.com |
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