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THIS EDITION OF OUR so-called SPORT
IS DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF
CHRIS CANDIDO (1972-2005)
He's fixing his tights after a top rope power
bomb in Heaven now...
May 1, 2005
CHEERIO! PIP PIP!
John: RAW and Smackdown emanated from Birmingham,
England this week.
Carlito Caribbean Cool: De English all loved Carlito until I told
them that they weren't cool.
John: As the only Englishman on the roster, William Regal got
a hero's welcome and had a nice little party for himself with
the Divas and the Page 3 Girls. And being he hometown boy, he
and Tajiri got typically humiliated by losing to Muhammad Hassan
and Daivari in a non-title match. Unlike the Japanese fans, who
love everything, and the Canadian fans, who hate Shawn Michaels
and love Christian, the British fans seem to be more or less identical
to the American fans. They cheer the faces, boo the heels, and
they read the Internet so they hate Edge and think Lita is a slut.
Why fly all the way out there to get the same reactions you do
at home?
Jeff: So you can hear the "asshole" chants with a British
accent? "Aaahhhshole! Aaaaahhhhshole!"
Stone Cold Steve Austin: Sounds to me like you have 12,000 limeys
callin' you an asshole!
Jeff: Usually the international crowds go apeshit for absolutely
any crap you throw out there, but the Brits were more like the
Americans in that there were things they just didn't give a shit
about. I guess you couldn't give them a Koko B. Ware versus Rick
Martel main event like they did in the 80s.
The Ghost of Gorilla Monsoon: What?! That's a main event in any
arena in the world!
HE LIES, HE CHEATS, HE TURNS
John: My favorite type of heel turns happen in tag team matches,
just like what happened with Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio on
Smackdown. It brought back fond memories of Rick Martel walking
out on Tito Santana at WrestleMania V. Or the three dozen times
Ric Flair made Sting wrestle for half an hour, got the hot tag,
and started chopping and putting the boots to him. That never
got old.
Sting: Now that you mention it, that did seem to happen a lot.
I'm sure Ric didn't mean anything by it.
John: I'm glad Eddie finally turned on Rey and they didn't drag
it out any longer. I especially liked that Eddie finally snapped
over something as petty as tag team miscommunication. If Rey were
more careful he wouldn't have flown into his partner and hurt
Eddie's already injured sternum. It's as good an excuse as any
to hang your familia out to dry.
 
Jeff: Tag teams never have so many inadvertant bumps
into each other as they do when they're having problems. There's
a real snowball effect there that probably comes from a lack of
communication. It just goes to show you how important it is to
talk to your teammate in the ring. Or how important it is not
to be booked to split.
ALL HAIL THE WRESTLING GOD
John: JBL is the number one contender to John Cena's WWE Championship
after winning a really good fatal four way on Smackdown. The Cabinet
also made themselves useful and actually showed up to interfere,
unlike at WrestleMania 21 when they were nowhere to be seen.
John: I also like that even though John Cena made himself a new
spinner title belt, JBL continues to hold onto the original WWE
Title belt, but with the attention to detail that it still has John
Cena's nameplate on it. Even though JBL believes that he'll regain
the title from Cena, he won't put his nameplate back on the belt
until Cena's no longer champion. If that isn't honorable, I don't
know what is.
Jeff: Oh sure, that's honorable, but I'd be just as happy, no, far
more happy if they just pretended WrestleMania never happened, took
away Cena's belt, and made JBL the champ again.
John Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!
Jeff: Yeah, but he doesn't have to be. Could they book a show in
Rio De Janeiro sometime this week?
Pat Patterson: I'll get on it right now!
WORLD'S UGLIEST PRETTY BOY MAKES GOOD
John: He didn't beat Batista for the World Championship
on RAW, but the last two weeks have been some of Christian's best.
He cut a killer promo last week opposite Vince McMahon and this
week he was hilarious in throwing Ric Flair out of his locker room
and then groveling to him and Triple H for help when Kane took out
Tyson Tomko. Christian is finally getting some recognition. He's
been stuck at the Intercontinental level his whole career and he's
showing he can entertain in the main events. He'd probably benefit
the most from a trade to Smackdown next month. He's got the mic
skills, he's got the chinlock, and… well, that's it, but that's
more than enough to take out John Cena and become a top card guy
on the Thursday B show.
Jeff: I still can't believe Christian tapped to the chinlock in
the WrestleMania video game you were playing.
Bret Hart: It's like raping the Christian character.
Jeff: Totally. Why don't they just have Ric Flair hit a move off
the top rope? It's strange to use the term "realistic"
to describe a wrestling game, but that's just not close to realistic.
Christian's move to Smackdown? Sounds good to me. I might not fall
asleep during the shows quite as often.
KANE (WITH LITA) VS. VISCERA (WITH TRISH STRATUS)
A DATE WITH DENSITY
Trish Stratus: Have you seen a 500 lb black guy with a white Mohawk
anywhere?
John: He's standing right behind you with a roll of condoms in his
pocket. Isn't that considerate of him? Even though it feels a lot
better to go without, Viscera doesn't want to get Trish pregnant.
Viscera's suddenly becoming interesting goes to show that even the
shittiest character can be salvaged with the right storyline. Big
Vis was pretty funny on his date with Trish. He's upfront about
what he wants from her and he expects to get paid what he deserves
if he takes Kane out for her. Trish is in a tight spot.
Viscera: That's funny, I'm looking to be in a tight spot myself,
if you know what I mean.
John: Well, good luck with that. Trish has no intention
of literally bumping uglies with Viscera but he's what's standing
in the way of another chokeslam from Kane. If Kane wins, she's getting
that chokeslam. If Viscera wins, she has to weasel out of sleeping
with him and will draw the ire of the big fat black man in a hefty
bag.
Prediction: Viscera gets the face pops, Lita gets all the heel heat
Jeff: They're making us pay to see Viscera wrestle? That's criminal.
Sure, they've made him a more interesting character, but he was
an abysmal wrestler ten years ago when he was challenging Diesel
for the world championship, I don't think he'll be any better wrestling
the fake Diesel today.
Prediction: I'm the first person in the world to come up with the
Mabel/Viscera-Diesel/Fake Diesel connection.
LAST MAN STANDING: EDGE VS. CHRIS BENOIT
John: Mr. Money in the Bank has become a lot more hated for being
Mr. Man in the Box. Edge sure takes a lot of crap from the fans
for stealing Lita away from Matt Hardy in real life. Meanwhile,
the Internet smarks give a free pass to Chris Benoit, who did the
exact same thing not ten years ago when he stole Nancy Sullivan
away from Kevin Sullivan. Where are the "You Screwed Kevin!"
chants at Benoit, huh, fans? What, you like Matt Hardy but you didn't
like the pudgy little midget who invented the Dungeon of Doom?
Dusty Rhodes: Kevin Sullivan also invented the Tree of Woe and the
Footsies to the Belly-Welly, you know what I'm talkin' about, daddy?
Prediction: Kevin Sullivan runs away with Lita and Matt Hardy runs
away with Nancy Sullivan.
Jeff: This is probably the match they've put the most effort into
and will most likely be the best on the card. I'm surprised nobody's
tried to goad Edge into putting his world championship match contract
on the line in a match yet, surprised he's still carrying the briefcase
around, and shocked he hasn't used it as a weapon yet.
Vince McMahon: Anything can happen in the WWE!
Jeff: Indeed.
Prediction: Edge breaks in the briefcase using Benoit's head
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP:
SHELTON BENJAMIN VS. CHRIS JERICHO
John: To illustrate the build up for this Intercontinental Title
Match, we've invited Canada's greatest comedians, Terrance and Phillip:
Terrance: Shelton, you're a dick.
Phillip: No, Chris, you're a dick.
Terrance: No, you're a dick.
Phillip: No, you're a dick.
Terrance: No, you're a dick.
Phillip: No, you're a dick.
John: That aboot sums it up.
Prediction: Shelton has a bigger dick.
Jeff: To be fair, the very start of this feud was Jericho's blaming
his losing streak on his IC title loss to Shelton at um, that pay
per view with the Internet voting. Taboo Tuesday, I think.
Smarky McInternetloser: We all know it's really because Triple H
hates him. Glass ceiling!!!!
Jeff: Whatever. I guess the match will be okay, and I guess I could
care as it's happening, but I doubt I'll think about it for a second
before or after it happens.
Prediction: Jericho cements his spot as the top of the midcard.
SHAWN MICHAELS & HULK HOGAN VS. MUHAMMAD HASSAN
& DAIVARI
John: HBK and Hulk Hogan bringing out Mean Gene Okerlund for their
backstage interview this week was a really nice touch.
Mean Gene Okerlund: When they said, "Gene, you're coming to
England," I said, "you've gotta be kidding me! I can't
believe it!"
John: I don't think you actually were in England, Mean Gene. The
Shawn Michaels and Hulk Hogan mega icon tag team looks to be unbeatable
on paper, there are some notable chinks in their armor. Hogan's
recent hip surgery eliminates the big legdrop from the equation
so Muhammad doesn't have to worry about that. And Daivari already
has a pinfall victory over Shawn Michaels. Daivari and Hassan also
have the momentum from beating the World Tag Team Champions just
days ago. I think everyone is sorely underestimating the chances
of Hassan and Daivari.
Prediction: Including me. Daivari eats a superkick and gets pinned.
Jeff: So you don't think Hogan would agree to come back to lie down
for Hassan and Daivari? As far as "dream teams" go, I
don't think Shawn Michaels and Hulk Hogan fit.
Brutus Beefcake: What about me and Greg Valentine?
Jeff: Not so much.
Brutus Beefcake: Really? Then I have another question for you, do
you have any coke?
Jeff: Someone get him out of here. Hogan and Michaels never had
anything to do with each other and I've never had any desire to
see them in a ring together, either as opponents or on the same
side. I don't know who I'd consider a "dream team," but
that might be because I don't generally dream about wrestling tag
teams.
Prediction: Maria and Trish Stratus form the first ever literal
dream team
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP:
TRIPLE H VS. BATISTA II
John: It's the rematch the world has been waiting for with the
riveting question every single man, woman, child and most every
other type of creature on Earth is dying to know the answer to:
Is Batista afraid of the Pedigree? I lie awake every night pondering
that very question. Thank God we'll finally know on Sunday.
Prediction: The Pedigree is really afraid of Batista
Jeff: I have a better question, who does Triple H
wrestle once Batista goes to play with someone else? What other
faces are out there? Maybe something huge happens and someone big
comes over from Smackdown. Or Triple H leaves Raw. It happened last
year, sort of.
Prediction: The Dudleys will not be involved in a trade this time
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