THE 2005 WWE DRAFT LOTTERY
WEEK ONE
.......
RAW....... SMACKDOWN
June 11, 2005
THE DRAFT IS HERE!
John: WWE Champion John Cena of all people was the first person
drafted to RAW in the draft lottery. I don't think any of us expected
that. Apparently, the title belts aren't the property of the brands
and can be drafted as well because Cena has the WWE Title with him
and it's now the property of RAW. Cena appeared on the Highlight
Reel and was confronted by Christian. Cena delivered his best rap
promo in many, many months, schooling Christian by making fun of
the Brood and calling Tyson Tomko his gay lover.
Lance Jr.: It was off the hook. Cena's rap was tight, yo.
John: Eric Bischoff was beside himself for pulling off this coup
of stealing Smackdown's champion and franchise player. Eric set
up Cena's first RAW match ever for next week: John Cena and Chris
Jericho vs. Christian and Tyson Tomko. Although, I think there was
a bit of a misunderstanding between Cena and Bischoff backstage.
Eric Bischoff: I think you and I are going to have a very good relationship.
Homer Simpson: Is he coming onto me?
Eric Bischoff: No, no, let me clarify: I think we'll make strange
bedfellows.
John Cena: It's 2005 and I don't judge, but I ain't like that.
Eric Bischoff: I don't think we're communicating. Let me put it
another way: I want …to suck… your white, rapping cock.
Jeff: I'm not getting this subtle innuendo. Anyway, I was shocked
when Cena was the first one switched. I guess it makes sense if
they wanted to get Cena away from the network censors and kill Smackdown
at the same time. But Smackdown's loss is Christian's gain, and
the Captain should be able to use the Doctor to grab a spot at the
top of the card. Well, until he goes down like a bitch to Cena's
shitty finisher.
THIS DRAFT IS 4 REAL
John: Theodore R. Long and Smackdown were left up shit creek without
a paddle when Cena took the WWE Title to RAW. Smackdown will remain
without a heavyweight champion until after the end of the draft
lottery, which leaves U.S. Champion Orlando Jordan was the default
top champion. However, Smackdown was able to take a quality main
eventer from RAW in Chris Benoit. Benoit being drafted by the blue
show doesn't offset having no heavyweight championship, but it's
been a year and a half since the Rabid Wolverine fled Smackdown
for RAW so his return is interesting. When Benoit jumped in January,
2004, JBL was still drunken cowboy Bradshaw, Heidenreich's only
friend was "Little Johnny", and Kurt Angle wasn't a gutter
slut-lusting, wife-stalking pervert. Things are a little different
now.
Jeff: We've been saying for months that JBL should have never lost
his championship. And now that Cena's gone they can do the right
thing and pretend it never happened. But what does Teddy Long do
when presented with that opportunity? He decides he'd be better
off with no champion. Dumb. As for Benoit, I suppose he's a good
pickup. Shawn Michaels would be a better option, but he'd probably
retire before he left his traveling buddies, Triple H and Ric Flair.
Heidenreich: Shawn Michaels could be Heidenreich's friend. I'll
even include Jesus in one of my disasterpieces.
CELL MATES
John: This interminable Triple H vs. Batista feud
is still going on. With many indy wrestlers dressed like cops bearing
witness, Triple H and Batista signed to face each other in a Hell
in a Cell match at Vengeance later this month. The tedium of Triple
H's recent string of long, boring promos has been offset somewhat
by the amusing episode of Batista Stinging it up and thinking Ric
Flair was his friend. Batista (and probably Sting, watching at home)
were the only ones who didn't see it coming when Flair thanked Batista
for saving him from a two-on-one beatdown by Christian and Tyson
Tomko. Flair knelt behind Batista while Triple H distracted him
and gave the World Champion a patented nutshot.
Tyson Tomko: At least Flair didn't cock punch him square in the
nuts like he did me a couple of weeks ago. I still have the imprint
of his knuckles on my balls.
Jeff: The cock punch is an underutlized move these
days. They're few and far between since the Rock retired. The cock
punch is to the Rock as the atomic drop is to Lex Luger as the piledriver
is to Paul Orndorff as the shitty piledriver is to Big Bryan Adams.
John: Well, well, well, the little promotion that could has come
back from the dead, only they're now owned by a giant, multi-national
corporation. This has been one weirdly promoted pay per view. The
only place the matches were advertised was on wwe.com and there
are no storylines, save for some WWE people vs. ECW. In fact, all
the ECW guys apparently love each other, although they will kill
each other with tables and chairs on Sunday, then they'll have to
band together to fight the WWE Crusaders or whatever is supposed
to happen.
Jeff: What's supposed to happen is that Eric Bischoff's
getting put through a table. How and why they get there is unimportant,
but it will definitely happen.
John: Nonetheless, Sunday will be quite a trip down memory lane.
I know I'll be flashing back to the days when we'd run all around
Wonderland Park following Tommy Dreamer and Brian Lee as they threw
shit at each other. Or what about the time New Jack autographed
Rob's ECW shirt? Or when Mass Transit almost got himself killed?
Good times. Also, nice to see Joey Styles take a WWE paycheck to
do commentary after years of slinging hate towards the company on
1wrestling. OH MY GOD! Joey's a big hypocrite.
Jeff: Hypocrite or not, it would be really weird hearing Michael
Cole call the action at an ECW show. As funny as it was hearing
him say "Balls Mahoney" on Smackdown, it just wouldn't
be right. As for the memories, mine will always be getting a picture
of my dad with New Jack.
THREE WAY DANCE: SUPER CRAZY VS. TAJIRI VS. LITTLE
GUIDO
John: The most interesting thing about this match are the circumstances
surrounding Tajiri's participation. William Regal is very angry
at Tajiri for being part of One Night Stand since he'd signed on
as one of Eric Bischoff's Crusaders. When Tajiri sided with ECW,
Regal may or may not have made the gentlest, politest heel turn
in wrestling history. He scolded Tajiri and walked away disappointed
and angry. Meanwhile, Nunzio is wrestling this match under his old
moniker, Little Guido. Wait, so are all the WWE contracted ECW talent
going by their old names? Is Lita going to be called Miss Congeniality?
Is Rhyno now spelled with an "i" again? Is Tazz just "Taz"?
Will Bubba Ray Dudley stutter?
Prediction: For the first time in years, the Tajiri will be able
to use the Tarantula for more than four seconds.
Jeff: Nunzio's name is very confusing. His name isn't really Nunzio
or Little Guido, but he'll swap between the two. And I have a suspicion
he isn't actually Jamie Noble's cousin, either. Tajiri and Super
Crazy are easier, since Tajiri's been able to keep half his name,
only losing the Yoshihiro in his WWE transiion, and Crazy's disappeared
off the face of the Earth for five years. I hope he's been sitting
around in Mexico getting really fat. There's nothing better than
a fat guy moonsault.
Prediction: Tajiri always wins
MASATO TANAKA VS. MIKE AWESOME
John: This match for the ECW World Title was the main event of
every ECW show for about a year. I never thought I'd have to see
it again, but I guess we lucked out, huh? I don't recall if Tanaka
was ever able to beat Awesome, but there's a first time for everything.
In the last few years, Mike Awesome has traded in his awesome mullet
for an awesome spare tire. We'll have to see if he's gotten back
into shape for One Night Stand. As for Tanaka, as long as his Elbow
is in shape for Roaring, he'll be good to go. I don't know how often
Tanaka's been power bombed through tables in the last few years,
but I hear it's like riding a bike, you never forget how.
Prediction: I'd be the only one to pop if Awesome shows up as That
70's Guy
Jeff: I think a few fat chicks would pop, too, although not literally.
I've found that even if someone looks like a big, round balloon,
they won't pop like one when you stick them with a needle. However,
they may fail to notice if you just poke fat.
Diamond Donovan Douglas: Right, right. That spare tire on Mike
Awesome should help him out in the match. It'll take a few trips
through the tables to do enough damage to go through the layers
of blubber and get to the individual.
Jeff: This is a match you don't see much of anymore. It's just
two guys beating the shit out of each other for real. Even if you
don't care about them at all (and that's true even for most of the
guys who paid $400 to sit ringside), you can't help but be entertained
by their lack of concern for their own well being.
Prediction: Pain
CHRIS JERICHO VS. LANCE STORM (WITH DAWN MARIE)
John: The Thrillseekers Explode! Rumor has it, if Chris Candido
were still alive, it would have been Candido vs. Storm, renewing
their epic rivalry with Tammy Lynn Sytch and Tammy Lynn Bytch. Instead,
we get the battle of the Thrillseekers. About a dozen years ago,
Lance Storm and Chris Jericho started out together as The Thrillseekers
in Smoky Mountain Wrestling. We'll finally find out which man is
really the better Thrillseeker. This is probably the recently retired
Lance Storm's last match (this year.) This is also probably going
to the be the last time we see hot, skinny Dawn Marie for a year
or so since she's rumored to be pregnant with someone's love child.
I'll miss her.
Prediction: Jericho is late for the show due to his many outside
obligations. Hey, leave the guy alone! He's a busy man. He's allowed
to have a life outside of wrestling.
Jeff: That sucks if the Candido rumor was true. As much as I enjoyed
ripping on him, often to his face at indy shows, he seemed like
a great guy and this show could have gotten him a steady job somewhere.
I blame his fat widow for everything that went wrong in his life.
The Ghost of Kurt Cobain: Me too.
Jeff: Jericho's been trying his best to quietly turn heel lately.
Missing his match and joining the crusaders would easily put him
over the top.
Prediction: He doesn't do that
REY MYSTERIO VS. PSYCHOSIS
John: Who's that limping in the back? R-E-Y! Mysterio! Here we
go! Rey Rey hurt his ankle at a house show a couple of weeks ago,
which is why he's been MIA from Smackdown. This match with Psychosis
is still on, I think. I honestly forget which little Mexican in
a mask Psychosis is. I kind of have a mental image in my head. He's
not La Parka, he's the happy skeleton. I know he's not Juventud,
he's the long haired one on acid. I should pop in my WCW/nWo Revenge
into my N64 and take a look at Psychosis so I can recall which one
he is.
Prediction: I'll be playing Revenge all weekend if I do that.
Jeff: Psychosis is the one with the horns and the crazy 80s glam
rock wig. He later grew his hair out to replace the wig and lost
the mask, so now he's the skinny Mexican with the big nose. You
can catch him and La Parka, who's the biggest megaface in Mexico,
on Galavision Saturday afternoons. Or you can make better use of
your time. Losing Rey would be a killer for the show. Maybe he could
ask RVD to borrow Scotty Riggs/Anton to be Rey's human wheelchair.
Scotty Riggs: Don't I get a say in this?
Jeff: I'm sure there's a hot meal in it for you.
Scotty Riggs: Hot damn! I'm there.
Jeff's Prediction: Rey guts it out and ends up missing as much
time as Curt Schilling.
EDDIE GUERRERO VS. CHRIS BENOIT
John: The Radicalz Explode! It was just a little over a year ago
when Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit were the kings of WWE. The
two World Champions triumphant at WrestleMania XX, ruling the sport
together, a feat they could only dream of when they were both wrestling
for ECW. And now, they've come full circle back to ECW. Kind of
sad when you think about it. Or fitting. Whatever. I'm sure this
match will be great, but I'd be happier if they both had the foresight
to grow out their 1995 mullets to really capture the feel of their
ECW gays.
Prediction: Eddie's sleazy mullet returning would get him more over
as a heel
Jeff: The mullets would be awesome. They both could have also stopped
their "supplement" regimen to deflate to their 1995 size,
too.
Hollywood Hogan: No way, brother! They should follow the third
demandment and get up to my 1985 size, dude!
Arnold Schwartenegger: That's an absolutely fantastic idea! The
whole family will love giant Chris Benoit. They'll love it nearly
as much as my all time holiday classic, Jingle All the Way!
Jeff: Eddie, or Eddy, if we're following the 1995 spelling, is
the only heel on the show. The rest of it is good friends beating
the crap out of each other for our enjoyment, but this one has a
story behind it. And it would make even more sense if Benoit wore
a Rey Misterio Jr. (1995 spelling) mask.
Prediction: Eddy doesn't drive a lowrider into the ballroom
TOMMY DREAMER AND THE SANDMAN VS. THE DUDLEY BOYZ
John: If nothing else comes of ECW's resurgence, the highlight
for me has been seeing the Sandman's giant, Iron Sheik-esque gut
on RAW and Smackdown. I'd say Sandman really let himself go in the
last 4 years, but he was a sleazy slob to begin with so there wasn't
far to fall. He did manage to get a tan in the interim, and he's
the only person allowed to smoke in major sports arenas.
Security #1: Hey, you, no smoking in here!
Security #2: Wait, that's the Sandman. He's okay. He has to smoke,
it's his gimmick.
John: Speaking of gimmicks, we'll be seeing the Tommy Dreamer who
is the Innovator of Violence, and not the guy who eats disgusting
things and impresses no one. And seeing the Dudleys again after
so many months made me realize I didn't miss them while they were
gone. Still, if any match will have kendo sticks, flaming tables,
flying chairs, and a thousand run-ins, this will be the one.
Prediction: The tape of the live pay per view will be a must have
because the DVD probably won't have the Sandman's Metallica theme
on it. Watching Sandman's ten minute entrance set to a Jim Johnston
generic guitar track will be pretty lame.
Jeff: I totally agree about the Sandman. Even if the entire show
is a miserable failure, seeing that smoking, cane-wielding, fat
bastard has been worth it. He has a charisma you just can't teach.
I love that guy.
Prediction: Lung cancer
THE WWE CRUSADERS VS. ECW
John: And now for the reason WWE thinks people will be buying an
ECW pay per view: to see WWE guys! Eric Bischoff and Kurt Angle
are leading RAW and Smackdown's Crusade to wipe out ECW. Actually,
the use of the word "Crusade" is fairly appropriate here.
The WWE Crusaders are traveling to a hostile place to eliminate
a group of people who have a different belief system, ideals and
way of life. This should work out just as well for the WWE guys
as it did for the historical Crusaders. WWE is mounting a force
consisting of Eric Bischoff, Kurt Angle, JBL, Edge, Christian, maybe
Lita, Tyson Tomko, Maven, Snitsky, William Regal, Orlando Jordan,
the Bashams, Carlito Caribbean Cool, and Matt Morgan. Opposing them
will be everyone on the show, plus Paul Heyman, Tazz, Rob Van Dam
with Bill Alfonso, Spike Dudley, Al Snow with Head, Sabu, Balls
Mahoney, Danny Doring and Roadkill, CW Anderson, Rhyno, Joel Gertner,
Axl Rotten, Justin Credible, Kid Kash, Masato Tanaka, Mikey Whipwreck
with Sinister Minister, and the bWo - Big Stevie Cool, Hollywood
Nova, and The Blue Guy.
Prediction: I won't be truly happy unless we see unedited, uncensored,
Kimona Wanalaya dancing atop the Hammerstein Ballroom.
Jeff: When it finally breaks down and the ring fills with wrestlers,
the lights will go out. ECW was always the best at those kind of
surprises and they should be even better with Vince McMahon's checkbook.
I know you shouldn't expect something surprising, but the Sandman
shouldn't smoke in the building, either, and everything's worked
out great for him.
Prediction: Big Dick Dudley comes back from the dead, most are surprised
to hear he wasn't still alive
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