THE 2005 WWE DRAFT LOTTERY
WEEK TWO
...................RAW..................................SMACKDOWN!.........
WEEK THREE
...................RAW..................................SMACKDOWN!.........
June 25, 2005
FEELING BLUE
John: As the draft lottery winds down, the general consensus is
that Smackdown is being raped of their best guys and there isn’t
much left to keep the show entertaining.
Muhammad Hassan: You see, this is just what I’m always talking
about! Daivari and I just got here and you’re already discriminating
against us for not being entertaining!
John: Muhammad Hassan on Smackdown is a pretty good move. I like
his schtick and I like Daivari’s even more, and what Smackdown
needs is entertaining characters. Now that Hassan’s ‘never
been pinned on RAW’ cherry has been popped, he has a whole
new show on which he can claim he has never been pinned. Hassan
has United States Champion and Daivari has Crusierweight Champion
written all over them. Hassan and Daivari don’t quite make
up for losing John Cena, Kurt Angle, and Carlito to RAW, but they
are entertaining and Smackdown got two for the price of one.
Butt-Head: Whoa! Two for the price of one?
John: There’s also Chris Benoit and his German suplexes and
Randy Orton, begging for his neck like a stack of dimes to be Tombstoned
by the Undertaker. Smackdown isn’t really doing as bad as it
seems in the draft lottery.
Jeff: I had completely forgotten Randy Orton existed before he
showed up on Smackdown. Out of sight out of mind, I guess. But now
that he's back in plain sight (soon to be followed by his penis,
no doubt), it's a pretty good pickup for Smackdown. One switch I'd
like to see, and I'm sure I'm the only one, is Michelle McCool to
Raw. She's one of those girls who you recognize as hot intellectually,
but she just doesn't make the crotch tingle like, oh, Melina, for
example. And when you're on a show where you'll maybe get one match
in a feud followed by a thousand bikini contests, the girl who's
athletic and charismatic but not bone-jumpingly hot isn't in the
best position to succeed. I say switch her over, teach her to wrestle,
and have her represent the fans' anger against Lita.
VISCERA MAY HIT THE JACKPOT
John: If I started sexually harassing a coworker, sang Barry White
to her, and absconded with her for two weeks, would she end up as
my girlfriend after all, or do I have to be a big fat black guy
for that to work? Luckily for Viscera, he is a big fat black guy
and he’s managed to do what no one else could, make the hot
but previously unattainable Lillian Garcia turn tricks for him.
And his new smoking jacket is pretty sweet. It makes Billy Kidman’s
ring jacket look like a pile of puke. Lillian promised that Viscera
would hit the jackpot in Las Vegas. God, I hope so. Now I’m
living vicariously through Viscera.
Prediction: Lillian having sex with Big Vis might be less gross
than watching X-Pac’s dick rub against Chyna’s
Jeff: I haven't had to turn away from the screen during Raw since
Vince McMahon's last on-screen kiss, but it's getting to that point
with Viscera and Lillian. Seeing her kiss that huge, gross, fat,
gold-toothed, Hefty bag-clad waste of space turns my stomach. Is
it punishment for her not appearing in the Diva magazines eariler?
Punishment for confusing Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho all those
years?
Jim Ross: It's an easy mistake to make, King.
Jeff: Whatever it is, I don't like it.
Prediction: If this turns into a pregnancy angle, I'm done.
VICTORIA VS. CHRISTY HEMME
John: The thing I find most amusing about Christy Hemme is how
her enemies presume they can just beat the shit out of her at will.
Trish even offered to knock her out and let Viscera rape her a while
back. Victoria already gave Christy’s noggin a’floggin
on RAW when she broke a glass vase on the back of her head and busted
her wide open.
The Ghost of Gorilla Monsoon: Right on the external occipital protuberance!
 
John: Christy was out cold for a bit and didn’t know the answers
when the trainers asked her what day is was or what her name is.
That doesn’t mean anything: if you heard Christy on Howard
Stern back in March, she didn’t know who the Vice President
was or who ran against George Bush last November. Seems to me like
she was perfectly normal after the vase cracked her head open.
Prediction: Victoria knows who John Kerry is.
Jeff: Would it be in bad taste to say that the picture on the right
looks like Todd reached under Christy's skirt on one of those "heavy
days?" Yes? Good to know. It's nice to see Victoria as a heel
again. She was beyond awful as a face. She just needs to move a
little more toward "crazy Vikki" from "bitchy Vikki,"
but it's still a vast improvement. Christy still doesn't know what
she's doing in the ring, but she's cute, she trys, and she has a
lot of spunk, so she's fun to watch.
Prediction: I'll second guess my decision not to make a "spunk"
joke.
INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP
CARLITO VS. SHELTON BENJAMIN
John: The coolest moment of RAW was when Carlito arrived as the
third draft pick and quickly ended Shelton Benjamin’s eight
month Intercontinental title reign with the ol’grab the ropes
while your opponent is rolled up Honky Tonk Man strategy. The second
coolest moment of RAW was when Carlito was interviewed by Maria.
Maria: Carlito, you just beat Shelton Benjamin and ended his Intercontinental
Title reign. How’d you do it?
 
John: I love her. I'm not saying she's dumb or anything but she's
the only person in the world who didn't see that apple spit coming.
Jim Ross: Caribbean Cool Carlito couldn’t have made a bigger
impact on his first night on RAW, King!
Jerry Lawler: I think Caribbean Cool Carlito is as big as any of
the draft picks we’ve had so far!
John: I also liked how Jim Ross couldn’t for the life of him
say “Carlito Caribbean Cool” and Lawler gave up and joined
J.R. in fucking up Carlito’s name rather than correcting him.
Prediction: Shelton could grow an afro as cool as Carlito’s
but he won’t, even though it would get him over.
Jeff: I don't get the microphones in backstage interviews. They're
obviously not even plugged in since everyone can still be heard
without them. I suppose an interview would look really weird without
one, in the same way Carlito looks weird without a sidekick. Someone
has to step up to the plate and make sure he never has to come up
with a finisher of his own.
Prediciton: Snitsky better learn how to properly use an afro pick
John: Edge and Lita got married this week. Lance Jr.’s wedding
was actually classier, although Lance played way more wrestling
themes at his. I like the new slutty Lita. More accurately, I like
how the new slutty Lita’s shows off her breasts these days.
 
John: The Edge and Lita coupling isn’t really doing it for
me, though. I liked Edge a lot more when he was the angry, bitter
nutcase. He hasn’t mentioned how he’s never been World
Heavyweight Champion in weeks, even though he has a guaranteed title
shot and two World Champions to pick from. Instead, he’s dealing
with Lita’s ex-husband Kane, who seems to have gotten over
the heartbreak of his wife screwing Edge behind his back and dumping
him.
Jim Ross: By God, that Lita is a jezebel! How could she treat poor
innocent Kane the way she did?
John: It’s really hard to feel any sympathy for Kane unless
you’re Jim Ross. However, as an aside, I picked Kane for my
roster in this week’s WWE Fantasy game, so I hope he cleans
Edge’s clock, hits him with many foreign objects, and chokeslams
him straight to Hell.
Prediction: Kane is not at all concerned with my fantasy points.
Jeff: Speaking of fantasy picks, I drafted Pedro Martinez, John
Smoltz, Mark Buehrle, and Dontrelle Willis on my fantasy baseball
team this year. If every player were a free agent and I had an unlimited
budget, I'd be an awesome general manager.
George Steinbrenner: I can give you half of that.
Jeff: No thanks. Anyway, I really don't get how Jim Ross can take
Kane's side in this one. He forced Lita to have sex with him, forced
her to marry him, and ended her boyfriend's career. Even if you
ignore all that, Kane set Jim Ross himself on fire a couple of years
ago. I'm used to ignoring the distant and often recent past when
watching wrestling, but this one tests the limits.
Prediction: Jim Ross would get in the ring and lick Triple H's balls
if he ever turned face.
John: It’s great to see Kurt Angle back on RAW.
Michael Cole: RAW can have that filthy pervert! Good riddance!
John: Yeah, Angle’s reputation has taken a sour turn in the
past few weeks, but gutter-slut humping, wife accosting pervert
or no, one man really happy to have Angle on RAW is Eric Bischoff.
They seem to be getting along swimmingly.
DDP: Not surprising. Eric is all about BANGING other guy’s
wives. Bang!
John: You and Eric gotta tell us all about that one day. Another
guy very happy to have Kurt on Monday nights is Shawn Michaels,
who’s been as jump-up-and-down excited to have the chance to
avenge his loss at WrestleMania as Tom Cruise is about marrying
Katie Holmes.
Prediction: HBK won’t convert Angle to Christianity.
Jeff: Was I the only one who got a real gay vibe from the Bischoff/Angle
meeting?
Mr. Burns: No, they definitely seemed to be having a real gay time
together.
Jeff: Right. Kurt and Shawn put on an awesome match at Wrestlemania,
easily the best one on the card. It's hard to imagine they're both
injured shells of their former selves. But as long as whatever's
holding Shawn's back together holds up and Kurt can feel most of
his extremeties, I'll keep watching them.
Prediction: Shawn never loses.
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
CHRISTIAN VS. JOHN CENA VS. CHRIS JERICHO
John: Not to infer that the draft lottery isn’t random or
anything, but the common consensus here is that whoever is the WWE
Champion after this match will be drafted to Smackdown and take
the title with him.
Theodore R. Long: Ain’t no need for that, playa. I already
have a six elimination man match next week to determine a new Smackdown
Champion! It's gonna have JBL vs. The Big Show vs. Booker T vs.
Chris Benoit vs. The Undertaker vs. Muhammad Hassan, balee dat!
John: Look, we don’t need three World Championships in this
company. It’s getting ridiculous. About the match itself: the
heat Christian spent weeks generating for himself by running down
John Cena died down when Cena was drafted to RAW and schooled Captain
Charisma face to face. Meanwhile, Chris Jericho’s interest
in wrestling has been reinvigorated by the chance to become WWE
Champion again. Either Christian or Jericho would be awesome with
the WWE Title at this point. They both deserve it. The problem is
the two blond Canadians cancel each other out. I’d prefer any
other outcome but I don’t think Cena is dropping his spinner
belt yet.
Prediction: Lance Jr.’s favorite rapper.
Jeff: So you think Teddy Long was walking around Smackdown with
a cardboard cutout in a velvet bag rather than a brand new Smackdown
Championship belt? If any one of the three makes the move, it should
be Jericho. Smackdown lost Carlito's Cabana, so they need the Highlight
Reel now more than ever.
Prediciton: JBL is champion in two weeks
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
BATISTA VS. TRIPLE H
Apollo Creed: Ain’t gonna be no rematch.
John: Don’t want one! This thing between Triple H and Batista
has been going on since the end of 2004 and it has to fucking end.
A half hour of bloody brutality in that demonic, career-shortening
structure ought to do the trick.
Jim Ross: You’re less of a man when you leave Hell in a Cell
than you were when you entered.
John: I don’t need either of their dicks cut off, J.R., I
just want this feud to end. Triple H has never lost one on one in
Hell in a Cell. He’s beaten Mick Foley, Shawn Michaels, Chris
Jericho, and Kevin Nash. Batista has never competed in Hell in a
Cell, but he seems pretty confident nonetheless.
Batista: You’re gonna have to kill me to take this title from
me.
Triple H: You’re gonna have to kill me to stop me.
Batista: You’re gonna have to kill me to stop me from …stopping
you? Is that right?
John: Yeah, we don’t need any more of these two going at it.
Prediction: The big muscle bound guy who wears a suit.
Jeff: I think I've used up pretty much all my Triple H and Batista
jokes over the last six months. If they beat the shit ouf of each
other in the cell, I'll be entertained. If not, not so much.
Prediction: Not so much
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