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July 23, 2005
Michael Cole: What's gotten into the WWE?
John: Yeah, really. They actually had the entire card for this year's
Bash announced before the show. Now that we can see the card in
its entirety, it makes me sad. Or is that mad? Either way. This
show don't look so good. I also routinely fail to register that
this show is the Great American Bash; I kept thinking it was Vengeance.
When the hell was Vengeance anyway? Was that last month's show?
WWE should just call every single brand pay per view 'Vengeance'.
It'll save me a lot of confusion.
Jeff: I used to call every ECW pay per view "Barely Legal,"
and every WCW pay per view "Crap." Unfortunately, it looks
like the WWE is bringing back WCW's show quality along with the
name for this one.
John: The Blue World Order
challenged the Mexicools on wwe.com and I guess somehow the Mexicools
were able to get ahold of a computer owned by one of the gringos
whose lawns they mow to see it. Anyway, challenge accepted. In their
Internet challenge, Big Stevie Cool claimed the bWo
were the first ones to rise up against the gringos so there's a
lot of pride and bragging rights on the line here.
Prediction: The winners earn the right to mow Vince McMahon's lawn.
Jeff: Did Stevie also mention his partner is the first guy to play
a face and a heel character on the same show? Can the fans still
cheer Supernova after Simon Dean tells them how disgusted he is
to look at them? Would they have done so anyway?
Prediction: Mike Bucci only gets one pink slip next month
John: In light of what's happening to Muhammad Hassan,
this match should have been the number one contender's match to
the World Title. There's nothing too special or interesting in the
buildup surrounding this match. Christian blindsided and thoroughly
kicked Booker T's ass last week so Booker wants revenge. I think
my favorite moment of this past week's Smackdown was Simon Dean
telling Sharmell he didn't respect her because she went to the buffet
line five times, five times, five times, five times, five times.
It's moments like that that remind me why I love wrestling. In few
other walks of life can you insult someone to their face like that.
It's delightful.
Prediction: I'm gonna regret not drafting Christian in the Fantasy
game this week.
Jeff: Christian has never really gotten a chance to be in the main
events. It probably has something to do with his chinlock-heavy
offense and general unlikability, but aside from that he's great.
Anyway, with Brock Lesnar likely coming back soon and also likely
going to Smackdown, Vince McMahon could kill two birds with one
stone, giving Christian a push while punishing Brock a little bit.
I say they bring back Lesnar, put him in the Saba Simba outfit,
and make him submit in three minutes to the chinlock.
Prediction: Christian refers to Sharmell as "Whitney"
at the show
TORRIE WILSON VS. MELINA
SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE: CANDICE MICHELLE
John: Melina's use of the term 'dominant female' has
been making my balls shrivel up with nightmares of Stephanie McMahon
from 2001. However, Melina is clearly the real top girl on Smackdown.
While not facially the prettiest, Melina is the coolest, the funniest,
and the most interesting. I don't know Torrie's record in bra and
panties matches, but it has to be pretty good. Torrie somehow has
the Shawn Michaels clause in her contract - she never loses. It
probably didn't do Melina any favors to attack the special referee
three days before the pay per view.
Prediction: Candice Michelle calls it right down the middle.
Jeff: Yeah, attacking the ref might not have been
the brightest move. But Melina needed to show everyone that she
had the ability to win on Sunday. There have been whispers in the
media about her lack of experience in big bra and panties matches,
but you're not hearing that anymore. The latest odds on the match
in Vegas have actually pulled even in the last few hours and Torrie
Wilson is said to be far less confident since Thursday. All the
momentum is with Melina right now; we'll see if she can take advantage.
Prediction: A one hour time limit draw. A rematch will be scheduled
for SummerSlam, Hell in a Cell: Bra and Panties.
John: This is the Secret Match, where if Eddie finally
is able to beat Rey, he's going to tell the whole world the secret
about Rey's son Dominic. And if he doesn't beat Rey, what, Eddie's
not going to tell the secret? What's to prevent him from doing it
anyway? It just doesn't make much sense. If it turns out Eddie is
Dominic's real father, it'll be the most anticlimactic ending since
Mr. McMahon was revealed as the Greater Power.
Prediction: The secret is Dominic is really Caucasian and his real
father is Kerwin White.
Eddie Guerrero: It was me, Dominic! It was me all along!
Pedro Martinez: Dominic should just tip his cap and call Eddie his
daddy.
Jeff: That sure would be a shitty secret. Even telling the kid he
was adopted would be better. Or maybe Rey's wife was doing intravenous
drugs with Eddie while she was pregnant, got AIDS, and passed it
along to Dominic. That's good TV.
Rupert Murdoch: Damn right it is, mate!
Jeff's Prediction: Rey Mysterio wins, the secret is forgotten forever
John: By now, we all know the enormous injustice being
dealt to Muhammad Hassan. UPN is kicking the Hassan character off
of Smackdown because of that stupid terrorist angle a couple of
weeks ago. Hassan might go back to RAW, but WWE will probably just
drop the character altogether, which would suck. All of this leaves
this match kind of moot. This match supposed to be to determine
the number one contender to the World Heavyweight Championship.
Since there's no future for Hassan on Smackdown, that means either
that stipulation is dropped or Undertaker is getting a crack at
Batista for Summerslam, which would be pretty cool.
Prediction: Hassan will cut some scathing, incendiary but truthful
promos in the unemployment line.
Jeff: Not to beat a dead horse, but none of this would have happened
if they didn't dumb down the Muhammad Hassan character. "Angry
American" Hassan doesn't get kicked off UPN, "leader of
masked militants" Hassan does. 1998 Vince McMahon would have
strapped a bomb on Daivari and sent him into the UPN offices to
deal with the problem, but 2005 McMahon isn't dealing from that
position of power. It's probably for the best.
Prediction: Once the terrorists quit bombing London, everything
will forget all about this little blow-up, so to speak.
MNM VS. ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL AND HEIDENREICH
John: Animal had the Tasmanian Devil tattooed on his
left arm about 20 years ago and it turned out to be a self-fulfilling
prophecy. With his stumpy little legs and enormous gut, Animal looks
more like Tasmanian Devil than Tazz does. People got offended when
MNM told Animal they can't wrestle The Road Warriors because Hawk's
dead. What's so wrong about that? They were just stating fact, and
having a chuckle over it. Now, Heidenreich is taking Hawk's place
as the guy whose feet hit the ground before he even connects with
the flying clothesline.
Prediction: Hawk is rolling in his grave - and reaching for a drink.
 
Jeff: Heidenreich's clothesline wasn't that bad. It
was better than Hawk ever did and much, much better than Hawk can
do today.
Animal: Hey!
Jeff: What? One thing Animal and Heidenreich need is a team name.
Heidenreich is looking for friends, and found one in Animal, so
I suggest they call themselves "Beastiality." And to make
it more accurate, Heidenreich should fuck Animal.
Michael Cole: What's gotten into Animal?
Jeff: The same thing that's gotten into you.
Prediction: MNM's not losing to the fat old man and his buddy in
little red panties.
CHRIS BENOIT VS. ORLANDO JORDAN
John: Jesus, this has been a boring pay per view to
talk about. Why am I ordering this again?
Krusty the Clown: Because you're an idiot!
John: Quite right. This match is pretty historic, the first U.S.
Title match with virtually no build up. I don't think Benoit and
Orlando have even been in the same ring together. There's no animosity
between them or anything. They haven't cut promos on each other
or even acknowledged that they have this match coming up for the
Bash.
Prediction: They still couldn't care about this match less than
I do.
Jeff: You've lost any right to make fun of Lance for blowing money
on stupid wrestling crap by ordering this show. You know it's going
to be shit, but you're still happily handing your wallet over to
Vince McMahon for the pleasure of being bored for three hours. The
only reason I'm watching it with you is because my apartment's air
conditioner won't be fixed until Monday.
Prediction: Maintenance doesn't fix the AC Monday
BATISTA VS. JBL
Mike: Man, does Batista look bigger to you?
John: No, totally the opposite. Batista looks like he's dropped
ten pounds. He's much less massive and more streamlined than before.
I guess after four months of wrestling 20 minute main event matches,
he got sick of puking in the back from exhaustion and decided to
focus on his cardio. JBL looked pretty good in Apollo Creed's Rocky
costume.
 
John: Batista made fun of his little outfit but secretly wanted
one of his own, just like Jimbo Jones wanted Bart's little outfit
when the Simpsons lived in a 19th century house.
Jimbo Jones: I wish I had that little outfit.
John: In the end, Batista stole JBL's little outfit for himself.
Prediction: The little outfit looks best on Torrie Wilson.
Jeff: Usually the guy making victory speeches before
the match doesn't win. This is one of those times.
Prediction: I won't feel even a little bit bad about my lack of
effort in this preview.
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