August 21, 2005
CALL HER A DIVA
John: Ashley Massaro is our new RAW Diva. Her round, bouncy breasts,
Avril Lavigne-esque attitude, and gambit of giving away her real
cell phone number made her $250,000 richer. My using six different
computers at home and work to vote for Leyla was all for naught,
but I’m glad it was Leyla and Ashley in the final. I thought
they were the best two from the beginning and that Ashley would
make a better Diva but Leyla was who I wanted to see in Playboy.
Now if she wants to get in Playboy, Leyla will have to do it the
old fashioned way, by banging Hef. Still, I’m glad Ashley won.
She seemed to really want the job and was really happy when she
won. That was nice. If there’s a positive to the Diva Search
it’s that you get to see some authentic emotion when the winner
is announced. Ashley also is training to wrestle so Trish can look
forward to her annual title defense at WrestleMania against the
current Diva Search winner.
 
Jeff: I really thought I was going to be two for two in picking Diva Search winners before the participants were announced. I pegged Christie as last year's winner when they showed the selection highlights and picked Leyla for this one. Remind me not to go to Vegas to bet on the next contest. And remind me not to go to any place in Vegas that accepts bets on things like that. Still, I can understand why Ashley won.
Chris Rock: I understand.
Jeff: She seemed to want it more and will probably be better with the physical side of things. But Leyla is so fucking hot. Look at her. I'm one of those idiots who will do pretty much anything for a hot chick, and it's tough to think of what I wouldn't do if she asked. If I were backstage at Raw and Leyla asked me to kick Triple H in the nuts, I'd hope she'd visit me in the hospital afterward.
John: I’m bummed I’m going to miss Summerslam this year.
Look at this card. I actually want to see most of these matches
for once. There’s never anything going on with my pseudo-filmmaking
career, why does something have to happen now, in conflict with
the second biggest show of the year? This is almost as lame as my
sister getting married on the day of WrestleMania 14 in Boston.
Actually, nothing will ever match that for shittiness.
Jeff: It was so awesome seeing the old HBK's last match. And the first Undertaker versus Kane. Then there was Stone Cold's taking the step up to face of the company and Mick Foley and Terry Funk teaming up for one of the last times. To top it all off, we got to see Mike Tyson live. It was the best WWE show I've ever been to. Man, only an asshole would skip that for his sister's wedding reception.
ORLANDO JORDAN VS. CHRIS BENOIT
John: What the hell is this match doing at Summerslam? After the
shitty fiasco at the Great American Bash when Orlando pinned Benoit,
nothing was made of it for weeks. No promos where Benoit demanded
a rematch, no video packages that would illustrate the need for
a rematch, nothing. Orlando has barely been on Smackdown and Benoit
was diverted to a team with Booker T for half a minute. Now we have
to watch Benoit vs. Orlando again? Why does Benoit, a former World
Champion, even want the US Title?
Chris Benoit: World Title, US Title, I don’t care what title
it is, I want it. I’d wrestle for the Diva Search title if
they’d let me.
John: Well, I think the fact that Benoit, who demolished the entire
RAW roster last year, was pinned by Orlando Fucking Jordan is a
travesty. But not necessarily one that needs to be corrected at
Summerslam.
Prediction: Orlando makes Benoit tap out.
Jeff: I don't give a flying fuck about this match. I suppose, intellectually, I'd want Benoit to win. He's far better at his job and doesn't deserve to lose to Orlando Jordan over and over. But if he doesn't, I probably won't even remember by the middle of the next match.
Prediction: I won't remember either way.
REY MYSTERIO VS. EDDIE GUERRERO
FOR CUSTODY OF DOMINICK
John: Rey vs. Eddie MMXXXVIII is now a ladder match, with Dominick’s
custody papers hanging above the ring. The hallmark of this Eddie
Is Really The Father of Rey’s Son storyline: realistic attention
to detail. The only thing that has amused me about this entire angle
was last week when the social worker said to the midget in a mask
and the swarthy, sleazy guy standing in a wrestling ring that they
were both insane and neither deserved to raise Dominick. But then
just when someone was making some sense, that same social worker
okays them to wrestle for custody of Dominick in a ladder match
on pay per view? Dominick seems like a nice enough kid. He can do
better. He needs a father who knows best.
Prediction: Hulk Hogan becomes Dominick’s father.
Jeff: One thing that jumped out at me during this entire feud is that Eddie and Rey are both really good actors. I can't think of too many other guys on the roster who could pull the angle off even somewhat believably. I also noticed that they're both fucking gigantic, so steroids don't seem to be deleterious to one's acting skills. Anyway, as much as I like Eddie, and as much as I like seeing Rey lose, I hope Eddie loses this one for two reasons. One, it's really funny that a former world champion can't beat a midget like Rey, no matter what he tries. And two, it's time to end the thing and let both guys go on with their careers. This angle goes back to the Royal Rumble; it's time to try new things.
Prediction: Eddie wins, gets advice from Raven on raising an opponent's son.
John: To me, Edge is the face in all this. Matt Hardy totally shot
himself in the foot a couple of weeks ago when he made his big promo
to explain his angle, fucked it all up by saying he wanted Edge
to die in a car accident, and lost the common fan’s sympathy.
How hard is it to say, “Lita cheated on me with Edge, I got
fired over it, I’m pissed off, and Edge is going to pay”?
Not that hard but Hardy blew it, as Edge pointed out when he totally
schooled Hardy with his promo last week.
xXx666HaloFan69Sinner420xXx: Matt Hardy got OWNED! Nice promo,
noob!
John: Yeah, really. Hardy went from being the avenger who ambushes
Edge every week to getting laid out by Edge last week to not even
appearing on RAW this week to build for Summerslam. Edge is also
right that he is a main eventer and Hardy is riding on his coat
tails. I think it’s pretty clear who I’m rooting for at
Summerslam, and not just because I drafted Edge and not Hardy in
the Fantasy Game.
Prediction: Edge steals Jeff Hardy, makes him his brother
Jeff: Both guys make good points. Matt is being a child, like Edge says. But Edge did take Matt's woman...
Jimmy Hart: He's gonna steal his little girlfriend!
Jeff: and Matt somehow got fired because of it. That has to suck. I just wish Matt could have expressed how much it sucked a little better than he did.
Vince McMahon: As do I.
Jeff: These guys obviously still hate each other, but have to get in the ring, be careful not to injure the other guy, and wrestle a fake match. I have no idea how it's going to work out, but the word "clusterfuck" keeps jumping into my head.
Prediction: Kane spends the match trying to figure out where he fits into the angle.
NO TIME LIMIT FOR THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL
John: It’s amazing how in the year since Kurt
started voluntarily put his gold medal on the line in these hometown
invitationals, psychologically and emotionally, he was completely
unprepared for the possibility of losing the medal. Kurt’s
always been a violent, deranged psycho but nothing has set him off
quite like his life’s work hanging around the neck of a retard.
Sharmell: Kurt Angle’s crazy! I’m just glad I never managed
to win his gold medal.
John: Yeah, Kurt would probably have raped you to death.
Booker T: You didn’t say that. Tell me you didn’t just
say that.
John’s Prediction: Kurt has forgotten how it feels to take
Stunners and Rock Bottoms.
Jeff: I don't like crazy Kurt Angle as much as goofball Kurt Angle, but I like him a lot more than the bored Kurt Angle we had to watch the last couple of years. Two things bugged me about the build-up to this match. First, cheerleader Christie Hemme had a backwards E on her uniform to keep in concert with Eugene's other merchandise. But with the font they chose for it, and without the rest of the letters in his name, it just looked like a 3. It's a minor detail, but it pissed me off whenever I saw it. Second, once Eugene won the gold medals, it seemed like the rules of the Invitational were turned around and his opponents were limited to three minutes in which to beat Eugene. It never really came up, but it was a jarring lack of attention to detail.
Prediction: Eugene totally flips out when Kurt Angle steals his Special Olympics gold medals.
John: Hey! Nothing you can say! Nothing’s gonna make me care
for this match. The right call was made at WrestleMania to preserve
The Undertaker’s perfect streak by having him Tombstone Randy
Orton into the disabled list. Now Orton’s out to get his win
back and he’ll probably get it. On the plus side, Orton does
do a good job playing the scared pussy heel when the Undertaker
shuts off the lights, fills the ring with smoke, and puts “RKO
RIP” on the Titan Tron.
Prediction: Orton learned nothing about how to beat Undertaker by
wrestling Kamala
Lance Jr. Kamala?!
Jeff: Yeah, that was weird. I thought for a second that having Kim Chee out there in the mask would be the perfect opportunity for Orton's opponent to disguise himself and attack during the match. Then I remembered he was wrestling the Undertaker and that would be completely ridiculous.
Randy Orton: I might have noticed if Kim Chee was seven feet tall, didn't pay any attention to Kamala, and was wearing leather pants.
Jeff: That's true. You know what's sucked the most about this feud and every other one the Undertaker has had since his return last year? He doesn't say anything anymore. The occassional "Rest in Peace" worked okay when he was a zombie killer who had Paul Bearer talking for him, but thirteen years later he's just a wrestling mute with Michael Cole translating his pantomimes to the home audience. It's very difficult to build up a story when you can only communicate with smoke machines and video packages.
Tatanka: My people used to communicate with smoke.
Jeff: And they also didn't stuff their faces at every buffet in town, you fat fuck.
Prediction: Randy Orton never mistakes Tatanka for a "legend"
JBL VS. BATISTA
John: Batista let JBL pick the stipulation for this rematch from
the Bash. Hopefully the prospect of using chairs and weapons on
each other will neutralize how incredibly fucking boring it was
the last time these two wrestled. A couple of things are hurting
Batista’s run as the top dog of Smackdown. One, he’s almost
never on the show so it still feels like JBL is the Champion even
without the belt…
JBL: I have a belt. I still have the WWE Championship belt with
John Cena’s name on it.
John: Start carting it around so it will look like there are three
World Champions in the company. Confuse the fuck out of everyone.
And two, Batista totally gets owned by JBL when it comes to cutting
promos. Noob! Batista needs some sort of verbal equalizer to establish
some dominance of personality and get under JBL’s skin.
John Cena: Start calling him JB-Cheap!
John: On second thought, I guess Batista’s doing just fine
the way he is.
Prediction: Batista juices, gets the crap beat out of him, retains,
then throws up in the back like after the Hell in a Cell.
Jeff: That was one boring match they had last time out and they haven't done anything to wash that taste of boredom out of my mouth. It should be neat to see two huge dudes trying to kill each other with tables and chairs, but I'm sure these two will figure out a way to put me to sleep in the middle of that, too.
Prediction: Batista makes a teary phone call after the match to tell Triple H how much he misses him
.
CHRIS JERICHO VS. JOHN CENA
John: Chris Jericho said on Byte This recently it’s inconceivable
that the first Undisputed Champion and a superstar of his caliber
hasn’t gotten a one on one World Title shot in over three years.
He has a point. Jericho really hasn’t been given the respect
he deserves. He’s done a good job being the angry asshole heel
against Cena. Hey, what’s up, Tim?
Tim: I saw John Cena’s show on Lansdowne Street. Cena was
tight, he held it down.
John: Whatever that means. In the battle of rock vs. hip hop, I’m
a rock guy so I'm rooting for Jericho, although I’m not into
the hair metal Fozzy plays.
Lance Jr: Hair metal rules!
John: I thought you liked hip hop now because of Cena.
Lance Jr: I do. Cena’s CD’s off the hook. That shit’s
tight, yo.
John’s Prediction: Jericho and Cena will wrestle for Lance
Jr.’s musical loyalty.
Jeff: Can Stone Cold John Cena overcome yet another obstacle put in place my Mr. Bischoff? Will the Hardcore Legend Chris Jericho become Bischoff's corporate champion? Find out tonight on pay per view, or seven years ago when this angle happened the first time.
Prediction: Bischoff doesn't get his ankle broken by Jericho and Carlito.
John: I gotta say, all my doubts are erased: Heel Shawn Michaels
is back in full force and he’s as despicably entertaining -
and entertainingly despicable - as he ever was. Somehow, HBK was
able to reconcile loving Jesus with being a complete, reprehensible
asshole at work. Shawn’s stripping in the middle of the ring
in Montreal, inciting the crowd and holding them in the palm of
his hand was a Master’s course in how to be the most hated
man in the arena. Nobody does it better. Putting Hulk Hogan in the
Sharpshooter in Montreal was icing on the cake. It’s shame
Earl Hebner was fired. He would have been the candle on the cake.
Leyla: I took care of him when I gave him that low blow for disqualifying
me at Bikini Boot Camp. We won’t be seeing Earl Hebner around
anymore.
Shawn Michaels: We won't be seeing Bret Hart around either. We'll
never, ever, ever see Bret "The Hitman" Hart in the WWE
ever again!
John: Huh. I'm starting to think Bret Hart’s going to show
up at Summerslam and screw Shawn.
Prediction: The DX Bret Hart midget shows up at Summerslam.
Jeff: Let's say that Bret Hart did show up on Monday. What if his return were treated like everyone else's homecoming and he were somehow forced to kiss Vince McMahon's ass in the middle of the ring? Would Vince make it out of the arena alive? How long would the riot have lasted? Anyway, it's nice to see HBK acting like an asshole again, but the ten minutes he took to get everyone in the arena hating him could have been accomplished by humping the Canadian flag for ten seconds. Just saying.
Prediction: Bret Hart shows up and removes his shirt to reveal an nWo t-shirt. Nobody's quite sure what to make of it.
|
