September 18, 2005
DOES ANYONE CARE ABOUT SMACKDOWN?
John: No.
Jeff: No.
UPN: No.
John: Don’t care too much about RAW either right now. But
we gots us another pay per view on Sunday so let’s see what
the folks on the Monday show will trade us for our thirty five dollars.
Jim Ross: The effort will be there, I can assure you.
Jeff: Will the performance?
Jim Ross: Probably not.
John: Three months ago, Chavo Guerrero renounced his Hispanic heritage
and joined middle class white America. What happened next? Kerwin
White was kept on Heat all summer. When was Kerwin White’s
first RAW match? This week. Did he win? No. That’s good booking.
What about Shelton Benjamin? The first half of the year he was the
unstoppable Intercontinental Champion. Now everyone can and has
pinned him. I think I even pinned him once. That’s good booking.
Prediction: The white guy gets the win
Jeff: What's more impressive, your victory over Shelton Benjamin
or the time Rob and I won the USWA southern tag team championship
from the Moondogs? That was a pretty fun week, until they hit Rob
in the throat with that bone and won them back. I can't believe
we fell for that one. Didn't one of the Moondogs die recently? There
were like 50 of them, so it could have been some fat schlub in jean
shorts with a dyed blond beard who claimed he was a Moondog. It's
not something someone would ordinarily pretend to be, but a guy
who looked like he could be a Moondog probably didn't aspire to
be anything more than that. Anyway, Jim Ross is always talking about
the need for tag teams; they should throw together some new Moondogs.
Prediction: No Moondogs appear during this match.
John: I don’t care about this.
Prediction: I will care if Show loses and costs me Fantasy points.
I traded Shawn Michaels for that fat fuck. Don’t ask.
Jeff: Hasn't the Show beaten Snitsky every week for the last month
or so? And wasn't he supposed to feud with Chris Masters? It doesn't
seem fair that Shawn Michaels got assigned to Big Show duty. There
isn't any good reason for this match to happen and no way it could
possibly be any good.
Prediction: After the chokeslam to end the match, the mat will be
stained by the puss from Snitsky's backne.
THE HURRICANE AND ROSEY VS. LANCE CADE AND TREVOR MURDOCH
John: Well, if it ain’t the best booked tag team champions
in history, Hurricane and Rosey. They wrestle in singles matches
every week and get pinned. Then they team for a non-title match
against a brand new team and get pinned. The good news in all of
this is Trevor Murdoch is now my favorite redneck since Buckhouse
Buck. Just look at that beautiful man.
The Ghost of Gorilla Monsoon: You don’t get a body like that
waiting for the bus!
John: Definitely not, since it’s apparently too much effort
for Murdoch to leave the bar. There was something that was bugging
me this week about Trevor Murdoch, something I couldn’t put
my finger on. As I leaned forward towards my TV to soak up all that
Murdoch, I finally figured it out: Murdoch has hairy arm pits. He’s
the only guy on the roster who doesn’t shave his pits.
Nasty Brian Knobs: Take ‘em to Pitty City!
John: That’s good advice.
Prediction: Trevor Murdoch cleans up in OSCS Awards next year.
Jeff: Trevor Murdoch is pretty great. I love the guys who aren't
in anything resembling good shape. To make himself look even more
gross, he should always have a ball hanging out of his trunks. Or
at the very least a couple big tufts of pubes coming out of his
leg holes.
Prediction: The tag team championship belt will look pretty good
around that soft belly.
John: I’ve always had a soft spot and a wet spot for the Divas
and I’m kind of digging this Torrie and Candice heel thing
they’ve got going on. They learned something from being squashed
by Melina and put a little thought and a lot of sluttiness into
their ring entrance. Torrie, Candice and Victoria beating up Ashley
every week was amusing; the whole point of a heel faction is that
any number of them can beat up any one babyface.
Ric Flair: When they mug Ashley in the desert, steal her Rolex
and leave her for dead, then maybe I’ll give a rat’s ass!
Whoooo!
John: Ashley really was the only babyface Diva on RAW for weeks,
unless you count Maria. The good news for Ashley and everyone is
that Trish is finally back.
 
John: I wonder why Trish likes Ashley when she really hated Christy
Hemme?
Bret Hart: There’s something about Christy Hemme I really
don’t like. Something very arrogant, obnoxious, and unlikable
about her.
John’s Prediction: Trish hurts her back again carrying Ashley
and Torrie to something decent.
Jeff: It's nice to have Trish back, but I'm still waiting around
for the rest of her. It looks like she went on the Terri Runnels
diet when she was out hurt. She should have gone on the Matt Hardy
diet, which consists of Ho-Hos and steroids. As for Torrie and Candice,
I'm not sure I understand their heel turn. They resent Ashley for
getting a job by winning a contest, but what the fuck did they ever
do to get their jobs? It's not like they were taking their clothes
off for 25 people at indy wrestling shows for years before working
their way up to the big time. Torrie's first wrestling job was seducing
the camera man posing as David Flair, and Candice just seemed to
show up out of nowhere. At least Ashley had to run through an obstacle
course for her job.
Prediction: Ashley keeps her job longer than Daniel Puder.
EDGE VS. MATT HARDY
John: Although they had a pretty entertaining street fight a couple
of weeks ago, I’m amazed at how little I’m interested
in the Edge vs. Matt rivalry. Maybe it’s because Matt Hardy’s
been booked like a stupid bitch, getting pinned every week by the
lower midcarders when not failing to exact any revenge on Edge.
Maybe Matt will finally get some satisfaction in the cage, but it
doesn’t really matter because Edge has been right all along
in the eventual outcome: Matt will struggle to keep a spot on the
midcard while Edge will get his Money in the Bank title shot against
John Cena or Kurt Angle. I did like when Lita kicked Matt in the
nuts, though.
Eric Cartman: I will kick you in the nuts!
John’s Prediction: I’d have really loved it if Matt and
Edge would just roshambo each other until one of them wins the feud.
Jeff: It wouldn't surprise me if they did. That's the one thing
I've like about the feud: they haven't done much wrestling at all.
When two guys are supposed to really hate each other, it kind of
takes you out of the match if they do a bunch of moves that require
obvious cooperation. Edge and Matt have been beating the shit out
of each other with real punches and kicks. But if they really want
to do anything with Matt, he needs to get the upper hand in the
feud for more than 30 seconds. He's already a sympathetic character,
leaving him lying in the ring every week is making him a pitiful
one.
Prediction: They really don't want to do anyhing with Matt.
RIC FLAIR VS. CARLITO
John: Speaking of offense centering entirely on the nuts, this
is the only match I really want to see for the comedy that’s
been promised. I could have died laughing from when Ric Flair latched
onto Carlito’s testicles and wouldn’t let go. I expect
nothing less than a focused testicular offense from Naitch if he’s
going to win his first Intercontinental Title.
Ric Flair: Carlito, you think it’s cool to take a bite out
of apples? At Unforgiven, I’m gonna take a bite out of your
ass! Whooo!
John Prediction: I don’t think anything would make me happier
than to see Flair actually do that.
 
Jeff: Ric Flair's been wrestling since before I was born. And I've
been watching wrestling since before Chris Masters was born. Yet
Flair's still the most entertaining guy on the show. I've never
seen anything like Flair's attack on Carlito a couple of weeks ago.
He just wouldn't let go of the poor guy's nuts. I can say without
hyperbole that it was the greatest thing that's ever happened in
human history.
Prediction: I don't care what the over/under on nutshots is in this
one, I'm taking the over.
John: What the fuck happened to Shawn Michaels as a heel? It was
going so well last month but that legdrop from Hulk Hogan must have
done a number on him. Shawn’s promos are still entertaining
when he’s semi-shooting but that’s about the only thing
I can find tolerable about this angle with Chris Masters. Masters
main eventing RAW gave me the kind of nausea that Rob had that one
time we dared him to drink oyster juice. Actually, everything about
this angle kind of makes me sick, from HBK going down twice to the
Masterlock to Masters getting this headlining match on a pay per
view. I’d very much prefer not to have to watch this anymore.
Prediction: HBK will make us wait at least 15 minutes before he
kicks Masters in the face and puts an end to this.
Jeff: To be fair, Shawn did make the Masterlock look totally weak
when he stayed in it for ten minutes. And Masters almost lost to
Ric Flair's figure four, something nobody's done in about a decade.
Masters certainly doesn't deserve his spot on the card, but it would
be a stretch to say he's looked really good in getting there.
Prediction: He looks even worse on the way back down.
JOHN CENA VS. KURT ANGLE
John: Now, my memory of wrestling on a week to week basis isn’t
what it used to be, but watching John Cena wrestle Kurt Angle and
Tyson Tomko in a handicap match, I remembered that they did this
exact angle last month with Chris Jericho and Carlito. Who’s
gonna be in the handicap match against Cena next month, Edge and
Snitsky?
RAW Writers: Hey, that’s a great idea!
John: Spare us. Actually, Angle has a pretty good shot of doing
what the Undertaker did to Stone Cold for Mr. McMahon and taking
the WWE Title from John Cena for Eric Bischoff. If they follow through
with Cena wrestling with an injured ankle, they have an out for
Angle taking the title from him with his heat intact.
Prediction: A bloody John Cena passes out in the Ankle Lock but
never actually submits. The T-shirt of it doesn’t sell quite
as well as the “Blood From a Stone” shirt did.
Jeff: Yeah, and the fans didn't boo Stone Cold nearly as much as
they do Cena. He's a lot more Rock than Austin in fan reaction and
character, yet they're booking him more like the ass kicker than
the trash talker. I have a feeling that's about to change when Angle
squashes him Sunday.
Prediction: Angle doesn't keep the spinner belt.
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